Open Menu
AllLocalCommunitiesAbout
lotide
AllLocalCommunitiesAbout
Login

JeSUS

⁨1052⁩ ⁨likes⁩

Submitted ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨LifeLemons@lemmy.ml⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

https://lemmy.ml/pictrs/image/1175a8ce-8d6c-46ac-a9fb-841fff5efa60.jpeg

source

Comments

Sort:hotnewtop
  • Battle_Masker@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    This post comes up every so often, and every time either I, or someone else, reminds people that one of the Bible’s biggest stories is that of Jesus washing Mary Magdalene’s feet. Mary Magdalene was a “street walker” at the time, which is old times speak for hooker, thus making him a feet guy

    source
    • FourPacketsOfPeanuts@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      He washed all the disciples feet ;)

      source
      • A_Union_of_Kobolds@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        No, washing feet was a common thing - they wore sandals or walked barefoot most of the time, it was a common hygiene practice. It was just a task for “submissive”-classed people - the wife would wash the husband’s feet, and so on.

        Jesus was subverting social norms in multiple ways.

        source
        • -> View More Comments
    • MissJinx@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Agree he had an obsession with washing peoples feet. As I see it, as a evolved and enlightened human he was probably a pan sexual with a feet washing fetish

      source
      • bstix@feddit.dk ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        There are claims that the translation of the bible is wrong on this though.

        bycommonconsent.com/…/weird-ot-euphemisms-uncover….)

        In short, feet might mean genitalia. I really have no opinion on it, but it makes a lot of sense. The purpose of even describing the submissive act of washing feet aligns well with the old Greek teacher and pupil relationships to present Jesus as a stand up guy who will go down on anybody, men or women, regardless of their status. He took your sins and such.

        The message is the same anyway, so I suppose it has been whitewashed a bit throughout the years.

        The reason why I want to believe it is that it would also explain why he was so popular that contemporary writers would bother writing anything about him.

        source
        • -> View More Comments
    • Snowclone@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      You gotta be careful though, because the Bible basically called every woman that is featured in it a whore. A lot of this is actually more modern translation stuff, clerics of the dark ages loved adding whore to ever female description

      source
      • HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        clerics when they see a woman:
        hooors

        source
      • spireghost@lemmy.zip ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        clerics of the dark ages loved adding whore to ever female description

        Holy shit they were based in 500 AD?

        source
    • frezik@midwest.social ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      There’s nothing that points to Mary Magdalene being a prostitute. She’s conflated with another character who was, but they aren’t directly connected.

      source
  • I_Has_A_Hat@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Well there are several stories in the Bible about Jesus riding an ass, but none about Jesus riding boobs. So I think it’s safe to say Jesus was an ass man.

    source
    • Gork@lemm.ee ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      This logic is sound. Concur.

      source
    • prowe45@lemm.ee ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Granted, you’d have to find some way to harness together quite a few boobies in order for them to be able to pull anything much, since they’re not huge birds. But if you get enough of them, maybe you could fly.

      source
      • MelodiousFunk@slrpnk.net ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        It’s a simple matter of weight ratios.

        source
      • SatansMaggotyCumFart@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Are we taking about an African or European booby?

        source
  • FourPacketsOfPeanuts@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    As the WORD of God he’s the source of Proverb and Song of Solomon so…

    Dark am I, yet lovely, because I am darkened by the sun - Song of Solomon 1

    so… tanned

    works with eager hands… her arms are strong for her tasks - Proverbs 31

    … toned forearms …

    Like an apple[c] tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste - Song of Solomon 2

    … not opposed to oblique references to pre-marital fellatio …

    strengthen me with raisins

    … … … nutrition aware(?) …

    I am … a lily of the valley … My beloved … browses among the lilies

    … not opposed to oblique references to pre-marital cunnilingus …

    Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead. 2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. 3 Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely - Song of Solomon 4

    … mysterious eyes … flowing hair … no missing teeth (lol) … red lips …

    Your breasts are like two fawns

    … young(?) breasts …

    You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water

    … looks at camera …

    Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere

    … …

    My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. - Song of Solomon 5

    … (authoris of erotic lit take note, this is your lord and god speaking) …

    I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley, to see if the vines had budded or the pomegranates were in bloom. - Song of Solomon

    … pubescent? hey, could be worse …

    Your graceful legs are like jewels - Song of Solomon 7

    … legs guy! …

    Your breasts are like two fawns

    … breasts again! …

    your breasts like clusters of fruit

    … breasts mention number 3 …

    May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine

    … #4 …

    breasts … like towers - Song of Solomon 8

    … #5 …

    I think you can draw your own conclusions.

    Thank you for coming to my TED talk

    source
    • qyron@sopuli.xyz ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      I want to commend for some sort of prize. I can’t upvote twice but I would if I could. Nice!

      source
    • frezik@midwest.social ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      By my very fundamentalist upbringing, this was all supposedly a metaphor for God’s love of the nation of Israel. Which is exactly the sort of “reading between the lines” that they said you weren’t supposed to do.

      It’s not that complicated. Solomon was horny, someone a long time ago decided his hornyness should be canon, and now biblical literalists have to deal with it and don’t know how.

      no missing teeth (lol)

      Harder than you think without modern dental care.

      source
      • FourPacketsOfPeanuts@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        It’s not that complicated. Solomon was horny, someone a long time ago decided his hornyness should be canon, and now biblical literalists have to deal with it and don’t know how.

        hans landa: that’s a bingo

        also, not even necessarily horny, just far far less prudish, all the sensory stuff associated with sex was just far more normal

        source
      • doingthestuff@lemy.lol ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        I’m 51 and haven’t had any dental care as an adult. I still have all of my teeth, and no pain etc. They could use a cleaning but a lot is genetics and diet. Not all of my genetics are great though, I’ve had autoimmune issues since I was a kid.

        source
        • -> View More Comments
    • MonkderVierte@lemmy.ml ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.

      Guess that was considered beautiful, millennia ago.

      source
      • FourPacketsOfPeanuts@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.

        Guess that was considered beautiful, millennia ago.

        This is probably the imagery… (except dark mountain goats)

        …vecteezy.com/…/a-flock-of-sheep-and-goats-walk-i…

        Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone.

        Cares for personal hygiene, i guess?

        More likely good health and youth to be honest…

        source
      • AutistoMephisto@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Well, in those times they didn’t really have dentists, so having all one’s pearly whites in a adulthood was not common.

        source
  • MedicPigBabySaver@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    He was homosexual based on all his male buddies he liked to have dinner with. So, definitely an ass lover.

    source
  • GreenKnight23@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    [deleted]
    source
    • DreadPirateShawn@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Unsurprising, he was hung too.

      source
      • Kitathalla@lemy.lol ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        His best buddy was super hung. You can’t tell me the J-man didn’t know about his fellow J’s swinging.

        source
    • SynopsisTantilize@lemm.ee ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      He did carry around some pretty large wood.

      source
    • uriel238@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      More resigned to it. Has to close his eyes and think of England.

      source
  • kboy101222@sh.itjust.works ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Well, Christ came riding upon an ass, so I think this is an easy question to answer

    source
  • dragonfucker@lemmy.nz ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    This is aphobic. Asexuals are human too.

    source
  • Kolanaki@yiffit.net ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Cock.

    He was a fisher of men, after all. 😏

    source
  • Worx@lemmynsfw.com ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    TIL ace people aren’t “fully human”

    source
    • Apytele@sh.itjust.works ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
      [deleted]
      source
      • thebigslime@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Unless they’re clergy

        source
    • Slovene@feddit.nl ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      They’re cyborgs.

      source
      • Opisek@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Arguably better

        source
  • python@programming.dev ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    He seemed like the kind of guy who’d be into thighs tbh

    source
    • rockSlayer@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Definitely a member of the thighdeology sect

      source
      • severalkittens@ani.social ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        We call it thighentology around these parts

        source
  • baggachipz@sh.itjust.works ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Long hair, glamorous face, skinny ripped body? Jesus was a twink.

    source
    • Flocklesscrow@lemm.ee ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Not Korean Jesus. He’s swole af. Turns water into pre-workout.

      source
  • altima_neo@lemmy.zip ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Considering this is the middle ear were talking about, he’s be an ankle/feet man

    source
    • usualsuspect191@lemmy.ca ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      That’s why he always wanted to wash them

      source
  • RattlerSix@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    [deleted]
    source
    • Cataphract@lemmy.ml ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      I second the boob analysis (ass myself). The whole having his feet washed and with their hair means he was probably looking down the shirt. An ass man would have them washing their own feet. Of course, it could be neither and just a foot fetish thing instead.

      source
    • cows_are_underrated@feddit.org ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      The last sentence got me.

      source
    • TheEighthDoctor@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      tells about a fragment of a manuscript of an apocryphal gospel that says

      Aren’t those Gnostic texts and therefore not Christian cannon?

      source
  • vga@sopuli.xyz ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Obviously a feet man. Further evidence that Tarantino is Jesus.

    source
    • CanadianCarl@sh.itjust.works ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      I am not religious, but I found this. I think you are correct.

      source
  • zxqwas@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Was there not a passage about how he washed feet or something?

    source
  • BudgetBandit@sh.itjust.works ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    He loves them both, since non should be excluded.

    source
  • introvertcatto@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    He could be asexual who doesn’t experience sexual desire at all. I mean just possibility

    I know asexuality is spectrum and not everyone experiences sexual desires same way.

    source
    • zea_64@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Assuming the Catholic you’re talking to recognizes asexuality exists. It’s funny that accepting asexuality is a way out of blasphemy here though.

      source
      • Maggoty@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Funnier that they demand their priests be celibate but don’t recognize asexuality. Like, what do they think is happening with priests who aren’t getting caught in sex scandals? Sure some of them probably just have more willpower, but I’m willing to bet money that many of them are just asexual and never had to think about it or identify that way because they were instead celibate for their faith.

        source
        • -> View More Comments
  • wreckedcarzz@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Boobs? Ass? Ew. He was clearly a dong man. That whole bit about parting the sea? He actually just whipped out his gigantic cock and created a bridge with it.

    source
    • OutlierBlue@lemmy.ca ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Pretty sure that was a different guy. Both had giant dongs they could part water with, but the Red Sea was definitely Moses.

      source
    • BreadOven@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      I thought “parting the Sea” was a euphemism for spreading some bussy?

      source
  • Maggoty@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Could he not have been ace?

    source
  • SPRUNT@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    It’s a tough question, to be sure. I mean, we can look through the book for hints about it here and there, but I think the best way is to look at the followers who are closest to him. That said… Pedophile. Jesus was definitely a pedophile.

    source
    • Omnipitaph@reddthat.com ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      I’m not criticizing your conclusion, I just want to know how you got there xD

      source
      • hemko@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Priests fucking altar boys

        source
        • -> View More Comments
  • LodeMike@lemmy.today ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Asexual people exist, dude.

    source
    • IrateAnteater@sh.itjust.works ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Those are just the disguised lizard people.

      source
      • lugal@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        You got it slidely wrong. They secretly rule the world but not because they are lizards, that would be absurd, but because they are the only ones who have time to do so because they don’t think about sex all the time.

        source
      • CarbonIceDragon@pawb.social ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Dont I wish, but no, don’t even get scales…

        source
    • RememberTheApollo_@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Asexual doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate aspects of the human body.

      source
  • uriel238@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    I’m pretyy sure Paul had the celibacy fetish and introduced the sex=bad element to the dogma. Some scholars even suggest that was his thing since the other gods were sex positive. (At least toward men getting laid.)

    Post biblcal Christianity was informed, in part, by Hellenic philosophical traditions, which were apollonian in nature. Women’s sexuality was on the dionysian side.

    source
  • Slovene@feddit.nl ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    It doesn’t matter ‘cause it would be a miracle if he brought a lady home.

    Because while Jesus was prayin’

    Fuckin’ Craig was layin’

    Every lady in the testament

    You know what I’m sayin’

    source
    • Retreaux@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      HES FUCKING CRAIG

      craig christ

      source
      • Kitathalla@lemy.lol ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        I wouldn’t die for your sins,

        but if you got a little sister then there’s room at this inn!

        source
        • -> View More Comments
  • Siegfried@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Jesus was a boob man. boobs are bearer of nourishment and a symbol of motherhood.

    The ass is from the devil.

    source
    • khonager@lemmy.one ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Amen

      source
  • JoMiran@lemmy.ml ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Homie travelled alone with twelve guys that he loved and they truly loved him back. He never made a pass at Mary Magdalene, and when Judas sold him out he sealed Jesus’s fate with a kiss.

    Jesus was definitely an ass man.

    source
  • Flax_vert@feddit.uk ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Lust is sinful, and Jesus was without sin, though

    source
    • bigschnitz@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Ergo he exploited the poophole loophole, thus our brother in Christ was (is?) an ass man.

      source
      • hakunawazo@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        The whole “camel through eye of a needle” allegory is a hidden clue for anal obsession /s

        source
  • JusticeForPorygon@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Dick. Jesus was gay.

    source
  • ininewcrow@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Most carpenters I’ve ever known were more boobs men

    source
  • k0mprssd@lemmy.zip ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    jesus is an ass man. seen stickers making this statement.

    source
  • BonesOfTheMoon@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Breasts, there’s a lot of art made of Christ being breastfed.

    source
-> View More Comments