Well there are several stories in the Bible about Jesus riding an ass, but none about Jesus riding boobs. So I think it’s safe to say Jesus was an ass man.
JeSUS
Submitted 4 months ago by LifeLemons@lemmy.ml to [deleted]
https://lemmy.ml/pictrs/image/1175a8ce-8d6c-46ac-a9fb-841fff5efa60.jpeg
Comments
I_Has_A_Hat@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Gork@lemm.ee 4 months ago
This logic is sound. Concur.
prowe45@lemm.ee 4 months ago
Granted, you’d have to find some way to harness together quite a few boobies in order for them to be able to pull anything much, since they’re not huge birds. But if you get enough of them, maybe you could fly.
MelodiousFunk@slrpnk.net 4 months ago
It’s a simple matter of weight ratios.
SatansMaggotyCumFart@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Are we taking about an African or European booby?
FourPacketsOfPeanuts@lemmy.world 4 months ago
As the WORD of God he’s the source of Proverb and Song of Solomon so…
Dark am I, yet lovely, because I am darkened by the sun - Song of Solomon 1
so… tanned
works with eager hands… her arms are strong for her tasks - Proverbs 31
… toned forearms …
Like an apple[c] tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste - Song of Solomon 2
… not opposed to oblique references to pre-marital fellatio …
strengthen me with raisins
… … … nutrition aware(?) …
I am … a lily of the valley … My beloved … browses among the lilies
… not opposed to oblique references to pre-marital cunnilingus …
Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead. 2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. 3 Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely - Song of Solomon 4
… mysterious eyes … flowing hair … no missing teeth (lol) … red lips …
Your breasts are like two fawns
… young(?) breasts …
You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water
… looks at camera …
Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere
… …
My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. - Song of Solomon 5
… (authoris of erotic lit take note, this is your lord and god speaking) …
I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley, to see if the vines had budded or the pomegranates were in bloom. - Song of Solomon
… pubescent? hey, could be worse …
Your graceful legs are like jewels - Song of Solomon 7
… legs guy! …
Your breasts are like two fawns
… breasts again! …
your breasts like clusters of fruit
… breasts mention number 3 …
May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine
… #4 …
breasts … like towers - Song of Solomon 8
… #5 …
I think you can draw your own conclusions.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk
qyron@sopuli.xyz 4 months ago
I want to commend for some sort of prize. I can’t upvote twice but I would if I could. Nice!
frezik@midwest.social 4 months ago
By my very fundamentalist upbringing, this was all supposedly a metaphor for God’s love of the nation of Israel. Which is exactly the sort of “reading between the lines” that they said you weren’t supposed to do.
It’s not that complicated. Solomon was horny, someone a long time ago decided his hornyness should be canon, and now biblical literalists have to deal with it and don’t know how.
no missing teeth (lol)
Harder than you think without modern dental care.
FourPacketsOfPeanuts@lemmy.world 4 months ago
It’s not that complicated. Solomon was horny, someone a long time ago decided his hornyness should be canon, and now biblical literalists have to deal with it and don’t know how.
hans landa: that’s a bingo
also, not even necessarily horny, just far far less prudish, all the sensory stuff associated with sex was just far more normal
doingthestuff@lemy.lol 4 months ago
I’m 51 and haven’t had any dental care as an adult. I still have all of my teeth, and no pain etc. They could use a cleaning but a lot is genetics and diet. Not all of my genetics are great though, I’ve had autoimmune issues since I was a kid.
MonkderVierte@lemmy.ml 4 months ago
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.
Guess that was considered beautiful, millennia ago.
FourPacketsOfPeanuts@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.
Guess that was considered beautiful, millennia ago.
This is probably the imagery… (except dark mountain goats)
…vecteezy.com/…/a-flock-of-sheep-and-goats-walk-i…
Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone.
Cares for personal hygiene, i guess?
More likely good health and youth to be honest…
AutistoMephisto@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Well, in those times they didn’t really have dentists, so having all one’s pearly whites in a adulthood was not common.
MedicPigBabySaver@lemmy.world 4 months ago
He was homosexual based on all his male buddies he liked to have dinner with. So, definitely an ass lover.
GreenKnight23@lemmy.world 4 months ago
[deleted]DreadPirateShawn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 months ago
Unsurprising, he was hung too.
Kitathalla@lemy.lol 4 months ago
His best buddy was super hung. You can’t tell me the J-man didn’t know about his fellow J’s swinging.
SynopsisTantilize@lemm.ee 4 months ago
He did carry around some pretty large wood.
uriel238@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 months ago
More resigned to it. Has to close his eyes and think of England.
kboy101222@sh.itjust.works 4 months ago
Well, Christ came riding upon an ass, so I think this is an easy question to answer
dragonfucker@lemmy.nz 4 months ago
This is aphobic. Asexuals are human too.
Kolanaki@yiffit.net 4 months ago
Cock.
He was a fisher of men, after all. 😏
Worx@lemmynsfw.com 4 months ago
TIL ace people aren’t “fully human”
Apytele@sh.itjust.works 4 months ago
[deleted]thebigslime@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Unless they’re clergy
Slovene@feddit.nl 4 months ago
They’re cyborgs.
Opisek@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Arguably better
python@programming.dev 4 months ago
He seemed like the kind of guy who’d be into thighs tbh
rockSlayer@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Definitely a member of the thighdeology sect
severalkittens@ani.social 4 months ago
We call it thighentology around these parts
baggachipz@sh.itjust.works 4 months ago
Long hair, glamorous face, skinny ripped body? Jesus was a twink.
Flocklesscrow@lemm.ee 4 months ago
Not Korean Jesus. He’s swole af. Turns water into pre-workout.
altima_neo@lemmy.zip 4 months ago
Considering this is the middle ear were talking about, he’s be an ankle/feet man
usualsuspect191@lemmy.ca 4 months ago
That’s why he always wanted to wash them
RattlerSix@lemmy.world 4 months ago
[deleted]Cataphract@lemmy.ml 4 months ago
I second the boob analysis (ass myself). The whole having his feet washed and with their hair means he was probably looking down the shirt. An ass man would have them washing their own feet. Of course, it could be neither and just a foot fetish thing instead.
cows_are_underrated@feddit.org 4 months ago
The last sentence got me.
TheEighthDoctor@lemmy.world 4 months ago
tells about a fragment of a manuscript of an apocryphal gospel that says
Aren’t those Gnostic texts and therefore not Christian cannon?
zxqwas@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Was there not a passage about how he washed feet or something?
BudgetBandit@sh.itjust.works 4 months ago
He loves them both, since non should be excluded.
introvertcatto@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 months ago
He could be asexual who doesn’t experience sexual desire at all. I mean just possibility
I know asexuality is spectrum and not everyone experiences sexual desires same way.
zea_64@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 months ago
Assuming the Catholic you’re talking to recognizes asexuality exists. It’s funny that accepting asexuality is a way out of blasphemy here though.
Maggoty@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Funnier that they demand their priests be celibate but don’t recognize asexuality. Like, what do they think is happening with priests who aren’t getting caught in sex scandals? Sure some of them probably just have more willpower, but I’m willing to bet money that many of them are just asexual and never had to think about it or identify that way because they were instead celibate for their faith.
wreckedcarzz@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Boobs? Ass? Ew. He was clearly a dong man. That whole bit about parting the sea? He actually just whipped out his gigantic cock and created a bridge with it.
OutlierBlue@lemmy.ca 4 months ago
Pretty sure that was a different guy. Both had giant dongs they could part water with, but the Red Sea was definitely Moses.
BreadOven@lemmy.world 4 months ago
I thought “parting the Sea” was a euphemism for spreading some bussy?
Maggoty@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Could he not have been ace?
SPRUNT@lemmy.world 4 months ago
It’s a tough question, to be sure. I mean, we can look through the book for hints about it here and there, but I think the best way is to look at the followers who are closest to him. That said… Pedophile. Jesus was definitely a pedophile.
Omnipitaph@reddthat.com 4 months ago
I’m not criticizing your conclusion, I just want to know how you got there xD
LodeMike@lemmy.today 4 months ago
Asexual people exist, dude.
IrateAnteater@sh.itjust.works 4 months ago
Those are just the disguised lizard people.
lugal@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 months ago
You got it slidely wrong. They secretly rule the world but not because they are lizards, that would be absurd, but because they are the only ones who have time to do so because they don’t think about sex all the time.
CarbonIceDragon@pawb.social 4 months ago
Dont I wish, but no, don’t even get scales…
RememberTheApollo_@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Asexual doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate aspects of the human body.
uriel238@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 months ago
I’m pretyy sure Paul had the celibacy fetish and introduced the sex=bad element to the dogma. Some scholars even suggest that was his thing since the other gods were sex positive. (At least toward men getting laid.)
Post biblcal Christianity was informed, in part, by Hellenic philosophical traditions, which were apollonian in nature. Women’s sexuality was on the dionysian side.
Slovene@feddit.nl 4 months ago
It doesn’t matter ‘cause it would be a miracle if he brought a lady home.
Because while Jesus was prayin’
Fuckin’ Craig was layin’
Every lady in the testament
You know what I’m sayin’
Retreaux@lemmy.world 4 months ago
HES FUCKING CRAIG
craig christ
Kitathalla@lemy.lol 4 months ago
I wouldn’t die for your sins,
but if you got a little sister then there’s room at this inn!
Siegfried@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Jesus was a boob man. boobs are bearer of nourishment and a symbol of motherhood.
The ass is from the devil.
khonager@lemmy.one 4 months ago
Amen
JoMiran@lemmy.ml 4 months ago
Homie travelled alone with twelve guys that he loved and they truly loved him back. He never made a pass at Mary Magdalene, and when Judas sold him out he sealed Jesus’s fate with a kiss.
Jesus was definitely an ass man.
Flax_vert@feddit.uk 4 months ago
Lust is sinful, and Jesus was without sin, though
bigschnitz@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Ergo he exploited the poophole loophole, thus our brother in Christ was (is?) an ass man.
hakunawazo@lemmy.world 4 months ago
The whole “camel through eye of a needle” allegory is a hidden clue for anal obsession /s
JusticeForPorygon@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Dick. Jesus was gay.
ininewcrow@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Most carpenters I’ve ever known were more boobs men
k0mprssd@lemmy.zip 4 months ago
jesus is an ass man. seen stickers making this statement.
BonesOfTheMoon@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Breasts, there’s a lot of art made of Christ being breastfed.
Battle_Masker@lemmy.world 4 months ago
This post comes up every so often, and every time either I, or someone else, reminds people that one of the Bible’s biggest stories is that of Jesus washing Mary Magdalene’s feet. Mary Magdalene was a “street walker” at the time, which is old times speak for hooker, thus making him a feet guy
FourPacketsOfPeanuts@lemmy.world 4 months ago
He washed all the disciples feet ;)
A_Union_of_Kobolds@lemmy.world 4 months ago
No, washing feet was a common thing - they wore sandals or walked barefoot most of the time, it was a common hygiene practice. It was just a task for “submissive”-classed people - the wife would wash the husband’s feet, and so on.
Jesus was subverting social norms in multiple ways.
MissJinx@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Agree he had an obsession with washing peoples feet. As I see it, as a evolved and enlightened human he was probably a pan sexual with a feet washing fetish
bstix@feddit.dk 4 months ago
There are claims that the translation of the bible is wrong on this though.
bycommonconsent.com/…/weird-ot-euphemisms-uncover….)
In short, feet might mean genitalia. I really have no opinion on it, but it makes a lot of sense. The purpose of even describing the submissive act of washing feet aligns well with the old Greek teacher and pupil relationships to present Jesus as a stand up guy who will go down on anybody, men or women, regardless of their status. He took your sins and such.
The message is the same anyway, so I suppose it has been whitewashed a bit throughout the years.
The reason why I want to believe it is that it would also explain why he was so popular that contemporary writers would bother writing anything about him.
Snowclone@lemmy.world 4 months ago
You gotta be careful though, because the Bible basically called every woman that is featured in it a whore. A lot of this is actually more modern translation stuff, clerics of the dark ages loved adding whore to ever female description
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 4 months ago
clerics when they see a woman:
hooors
spireghost@lemmy.zip 4 months ago
Holy shit they were based in 500 AD?
frezik@midwest.social 4 months ago
There’s nothing that points to Mary Magdalene being a prostitute. She’s conflated with another character who was, but they aren’t directly connected.