This is a huge deal. Truly. Male loneliness in particular is a swollen lithium battery ready to be poked. I doubt it will be addressed correctly. I have no idea how to fix it and infinite empathy for anyone, male or female, going through this.
Anon is forever alone
Submitted 3 weeks ago by Track_Shovel@slrpnk.net to greentext@sh.itjust.works
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Comments
orbituary@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
red_bull_of_juarez@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
I also wonder what a correct approach would be. When I was young, I was very lonely. It took a long time for me to realize that I was the problem. Actually, now that I think about it, what would probably help a lot is therapy being broadly available to anyone. Talking to other people, especially trained professionals, and listening to their opinions is so incredibly helpful. Only spending time inside your own head or online is super toxic and nothing good ever comes from that.
taygaloocat@leminal.space 3 weeks ago
I know he’s a right-wing nut job now but I found Jordan Peterson really helpful in my youth. “Clean up your room”, “dress like the person you went to be”, “happiness is fleeting, and suffering requires constant meaning”.
His old stuff was simple and straight forward, good lessons for a lost young man
misteloct@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 weeks ago
I know he’s a right-wing nut job now but found Hitler really helpful in my youth. His old stuff was simple and straight forward, good lessons for a lost young man
apotheosical@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
This isn’t a complete solution, but joining groups for interaction is a start. Book clubs, game clubs, sports, movie clubs, whatever it is as long as it’s social and in person. Put up a flyer on community noticeboards for an activity you like, alternatively.
Volunteering can also help. Being part of a community, being seen and contributing can make all the difference to starting the process.
This isn’t a solution to depression or any mental health issue. It’s a possible way to begin creating connection though.
shneancy@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
oh it is not getting addresses correctly.
there’re many grifters out there taking advantage of lonely men - they promise turning into a chad and getting laid… if you just buy this course of mine and oh btw its a subscription model website.
then there’s 4chan and the infinite sea of incels with their various pills pushing people further into feeling like victims oppressed by women (a nifty distraction from the real problem of society’s constant push towards individuality and capitalism’s constant battle to destroy public spaces) and giving up on even trying to get out of their homes. once you see yourself as an incel being pathetic becomes a personality trait, and internalising that can make getting out of that hole incredibly difficult.
women obviously are also affected but their bonds between each other seem stronger, maybe because they are allowed to hug each other without being called slurs.
so yeah, the problem is being address in all the wrong ways. even the talk of man specific societal issues is incredibly rare outside of the grifter spun narratives to get you to buy their courses or reinforce your feelings of being pathetic.
most people are focused on women’s rights - which yeah, they should - but i don’t think those two issues are disconnected. after all, the more lonely the men, the more it’s the “women’s fault”, the more hateful they are towards them, the worse both problems get.
now how do we get out of this pit?
rumba@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
It’s messy AF
Guys are afraid of rejection, but also not great at making themselves more appealing candidates. That whole woman chooses the bear thing is real, even if, in general, we’re not worse than the bear.
From the woman’s standpoint, if they let the guy in and get knocked up, they might end up having to raise the kid and maybe deal with some asshole for 20 years. Statistically, they have more to lose.
It’s even harder when you’re young because you don’t want someone with kids, or issues, or baggage, but then being uncharismatic and mediocre is seriously underrated baggage.
We need male boot camps for loneliness with counselors and coaches. Help people work on their empathy, see what the other side sees and figure out how to work toward improvement to the point where they can find what they’re looking for.
Soapbox@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
The new season of King of the Hill, S14E9 “No Hank Left Behind” nailed that boot camp thing. Starts off as an Andrew Tate parody, ends with Hank teaching a bunch of near incels the error of their ways.
davidgro@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Just recently I was imagining a dating site that doesn’t use profiles, just randomly matches people with compatible age and gender settings (weighted by proximity and how long they have waited for a match) and trying to think through how it might work.
There would have to be a penalty for rejecting a match before setting up a date or for cancelling on them, such as a delay before being able to request another match (and maybe double the delay each consecutive time)
Anyway this would eliminate the whole ‘5% of men get 90% of dates’ thing (whatever the real numbers are) - after requesting a match eventually everyone would get one. There would of course have to be a report system for actual problem people. And likely straight women would get dates much faster (more frequently) than straight men, but still more evenly distributed.
Alcoholicorn@mander.xyz 2 weeks ago
I doubt it will be addressed correctly
Anything you want to talk about, my dms are open.
orbituary@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 weeks ago
Dude, I’m fine. I’m worried for others. Thanks, though!
Quexotic@infosec.pub 3 weeks ago
I think it got poked by the right in the '24 elections and its continually stoked by social media. I hear there’s even a Luddite movement on response to it.
This is of course a vast oversimplification of a complex interplay of factors, but here we are, looking down the barrel of a political movement that’s taking full advantage of our isolation.
I feel for the lonely. I remember being alone.
WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today 2 weeks ago
Simple fix: AI will just be…better than humans, in the sense that it will be predictable and sycopantic to them, so humanity will de-grow fast.
FridaySteve@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Someone who is hardworking and disciplined enough to keep the same shitty job for ten years could easily make a partner happy and get satisfaction from a relationship. Too many people look at what other people have and let it make them feel hopeless when they should be looking at what they have themselves and let it make them feel empowered.
Draegur@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I feel so much better when rather than looking at what others have and wishing i had it too, instead looking at what others lack and seeing if there’s anything I can do to help them attain it.
It helps me appreciate what I do have. There are people I love who want me around. It took so long to recognize, internalize, actually feel and experience that fact instead of just … knowing it in a distant academic sense like ‘sure yeah it stands to reason that this is true i guess but i have no proof’…
Until recently, i ‘knew’ that people cared about me and wanted me around the same way a person born blind can KNOW that the wavelength and frequency of the color Blue are 450 nanometers and about 666 terahertz (heh 🤘) respectively but not have an intrinsic experience of what it’s like to see it.
it’s nice actually being able to FEEL what i only previously just numbly heard about. and now all i truly want in the world, on the deepest level, beyond petty hedonic desires, is for more other people to know what it’s like to feel loved.
RBWells@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Yes, I think being able to be satisfied is a life skill. If this guy can hold a job and be satisfied with it, I agree so very much that indicates he can be happy in a relationship, and can make someone else happy.
I have a sister-in-law with an objectively good life, quit work after her kid was born, my brother makes enough she doesn’t really have to, when she was in Florida she complained it was too hot, they moved to Massachusetts, but then she complained it was too cold, they moved back, in the city complained the house was too small, they moved to a big house in the suburbs well now she complains they are in the suburbs it doesn’t matter what her objective situation is, she cannot be satisfied, it’s just not in her nature.
zebidiah@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
Comparison is the thief of joy
Soktopraegaeawayok@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
This guy is probably asain and his parents probably own the sushi joint, he started after school at 21, and hes required to work and probably won’t get fired.
TipsyMcGee@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
That’s amazing job stability for a waiter in a sushi place, if that’s real.
The cynic in me says that OP being lonely despite being so empathetic and easy to sympathize with is a rhetorical device.
But on face value, on the off chance that it’s real, it’s clear OP was a constant in the couple’s life, and no doubt a positive one since they kept coming back. It’s not just a sad story, because at least OP gets to be someone to someone else, and that’s something.
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
i mean, the japanese steakhouse my dad loved, they had most of the same staff from when they opened til when they closed 20 years later. we got to know the sushi chefs and everything, he was that regular.
MML@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
And now we have shitty corporate places, isn’t it just fantastic.
Soktopraegaeawayok@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Im making assumptions, but this sounds like a guy that started working at his parents sushi place after finishing school.
FiskFisk33@startrek.website 3 weeks ago
actual emotionally mature 4chan take, no way!
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Idk what OP is doing wrong, but in my experience bartenders and service workers are always hooking up - with each other, with patrons, at after work social engagements…
The job sort of requires you to be social, to be friendly, to engage with strangers, and to empathize with other people.
That’s not to say the relationships last. Plenty of drama in the service industry, too. Lots of substance abuse. Lots of cheating. Lots of traveling, boom and bust with the economic tides, and risk taking for better or worse.
But the idea that you’re just a bartender for ten years and nothing is happening in your life is crazy.
Phegan@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
You are missing one crucial aspect.
90%of greentext is completely fabricated.
mavu@discuss.tchncs.de 2 weeks ago
If this is true or not is almost irrelevant, these people exist, male and female.
I might have become one of them if not for just sheer luck.
Neurodiversity can have all kinds of effects and not being able to connect with people can be one of them.Just be kind, to your fellow humans, not everyone can do what they want to do.
CrabAndBroom@lemmy.ml 2 weeks ago
It’s odd that she would avoid alcohol while pregnant but not sushi.
Magnum@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 weeks ago
But are they also gay?
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
It’s Truthy.
Very believable, even if OP is just passing along the story
sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
The only true part is they are alone.
drunkpostdisaster@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
I know a lot of people like that. Likeable, but something just keeps them from forming those kind of relationships even just for a hook up.
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
I know a few, myself. But none of them are up till 4am on a Thursday night hanging out with other hot drunk horny 30 year olds.
Soktopraegaeawayok@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
10 years as a server in a sushi restaurant, from 21 to 31, made me think this is an Asian dude who’s parents own a sushi joint and he is required to work there.
RememberTheApollo_@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
We’ve lost our “village”, those third spaces that provided extended family and friends networks. American “self-reliance” has generated a separated society that has stripped a lot of the support and social network we used to have in favor of a job, a home separate from extended family, and a standalone family unit on their own against the world. Too hard to meet new people, too few clubs, too little money to get into a lot of hobbies, too little free time to spend it on anything other than rest and trying to stay sane.
Track_Shovel@slrpnk.net 2 weeks ago
We are slowly turning into Japan
I think I’m turning Japanese I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so…
FreeAZ@sopuli.xyz 2 weeks ago
Except Japan is at least better than the US when it comes to things like health care, public infrastructure, prison conditions, etc.
We’re getting all the worst parts of other countries without the few benefits, not like that “benefit” is unique to stressful work cultures anyway.
LittleBorat3@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
You are, now work till 8 and get drunk with your boss later.
RampantParanoia2365@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Ironically, it’s social networks that helped kill our social networks.
SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
It was 99% car dependancy
Social media is not a problem when it comes to people being social, despite all of the conjecture with no real links.
BoxOfFeet@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
You’re painting that as if it is a bad thing. I’ve never understood the desire people have to be a part of a larger community.
howrar@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
I don’t understand why you’re commenting if not to take part in this community.
SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
If countries’ leaders weren’t dumb as shit they would offer public dating apps that don’t try to exploit people.
These apps work great when the goal is to match people who would get along, capitalism enshittified them.
It’s obviously how most people want to meet, why not offer people a dating site that isn’t shit to fix isolation?
I honestly think countries don’t want to fix their birthrates at all, none of them do anything significant to help them.
zalgotext@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
I feel like if countries’ leaders weren’t dumb as shit, they’d work to fix healthcare, education, and the economy, as that would have a much larger positive impact than a dating app.
SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
One of these things can be done with a web app for a very small amount of discretionary spending that doesn’t need to be approved.
Batmorous@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
True but companionship/dating definitely helps in a way
Also we would be getting to the future of awesome stuff way quicker than we are now
Batmorous@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
The best way to make it better is supporting Alovoa and Duolicious by developing them further and using them as well. That will help in immense ways to improve dating scene. Also would be interesting if we ever get an AdultFriendFinder open source alternative eventually too
dependencyinjection@discuss.tchncs.de 2 weeks ago
What are these sites you mention? I could search for it but then the info wouldn’t be here for others.
cows_are_underrated@feddit.org 3 weeks ago
Fake: No way hes working for such a long time as a server in a sushi restaurant
Gay: Anon is probably gay in denial and therefore still single.
Corkyskog@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
I thought it was fake because pregnant women avoid Sushi usually.
finitebanjo@piefed.world 3 weeks ago
I'll see your indescribable emotion and raise you another:
I do not and have never empathized with this mindset. I understand wanting to help people and have a support network, but pairing up and breeding, like animals, to create an ever increasing amount of suffering just doesn't do it for me.
phdepressed@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
Life is a lot more than suffering. There is a joy in human connections. Friends, family, partners, and children.
It’s alright if partners and/or children aren’t for you (even family) but its weirder to be entirely unable to empathize with a desire for human connections and life goals (which vary).
finitebanjo@piefed.world 3 weeks ago
I understand desire for human connections and life goals, I just don't understand envy for marriage and children. Those should result from a good thing going on, not be a primary motivator.
Fizz@lemmy.nz 3 weeks ago
Of course you dont empathize because you arent empathizing. YOU think its suffering, but if you empathize with the person do you think they think of it as suffering? Love is beautiful and raising kids can be very rewarding.
gmtom@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Relatable.
I’ve had a friend go through 3 long term relationships, get married and have a kid since the last time I went on a date.
Blackmist@feddit.uk 2 weeks ago
> Works
> Goes home
> Masturbates
> Sleeps
> Works
Why am I single?
reddifuge@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Don’t forget watch Andrew tate and Joe rogan all night.
“Why are women disgusted by me?”
Melvin_Ferd@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
The guy is a fucking bum. Why are so many people here trying to force positivity when the point is realizing he wasted his life. The point isn’t to twist it into some exercise in tolerance to smell your own farts. It’s ok to say “you bum”
Kolanaki@pawb.social 1 week ago
It sucks even when you don’t have any inherent issues; but imagine trying to find a relationship with BPD and you constently self-sabotage yourself because your stupid broken brain says that you’re a fool for believing anyone gives a single shit about you.
RunJun@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
Anyone who is going through this, you have to try. You have to put effort into yourself and get used to rejection. It’s not fun but if it’s important to you then it’s important to show up.
I didn’t have my first kiss until 26. I have a wife and two kids. Just so you don’t think it was easy for me.
PlasticLove@lemmy.today 3 weeks ago
Can’t.
I spent my whole life being told to not be a creep, don’t just go up to women they don’t want random men approaching them etc, they’re at the club for a good time with friends etc.
So that only leaves online dating and I’m not a 10/10 so never get a match.
trxxruraxvr@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Bullshit. That’s just toxic internet culture talking. You may have to put some effort in your profile, but it worked for me and I’m a 6 at best.
manuallybreathing@lemmy.ml 3 weeks ago
So don’t be a creep, meet people as they are, don’t meet people expecting them to have sex with you
Work on yourself, go to therapy, get a hobby or read a book, join a reading group.
You have to be a part of a community to meet people. You can’t just hang out on the internet posting about how unfair it all is, and expect anything to magically change
take care
fckreddit@lemmy.ml 3 weeks ago
Online dating has also been poisoned by creepy dudes. A lady I matched to on Bumble told me that when she matched to some guy and when the dude realized they lived close enough, he wanted to have a quick one night stand with her. Now, this dude was supposedly a surgeon. So, it makes things difficult for all of us, who are looking for something more stable and long term.
FridaySteve@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
You’ve reduced your options to online dating or hooking up with club girls. I’d start by expanding those options.
exasperation@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 weeks ago
I think many people can benefit from understanding how to strike up conversations with strangers generally. If you’re already comfortable making small talk in a line, with your seat neighbor at a bar or communal table at a restaurant, talking to fellow dog owners at the dog park,v or getting to know people during a meet and greet at a conference or happy hour, swinging by a new colleague’s desk just to say hi and get to know them, you’ll get a sense of what types of interactions are comfortable and flow naturally.
If you’re not comfortable approaching men, women who are with their significant others, people clearly outside your dating age range with small talk or simple conversations, it’s hard to build the skill and experience of approaching women you’d like to date if you don’t already have the foundation of approaching people you don’t want to date.
It’s also a great way to address the actual core premise of this post, that there are a lot of lonely people who could use friend making skills too.
cevn@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Play a sport that involves girls. Met many ladies by being above average at badminton. Does require some discipline to get gud first
frostedtrailblazer@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
I highly recommend using friend meeting apps, going to social events like running/biking clubs, or even going to a speed dating event in a city near you. There are countless perfect matches for you out there, but putting yourself in spaces to meet these people is what matters.
Those dating apps flag your account as likely a bot if you’re swiping “like” very often. These apps put you at the bottom of the ‘stack’ on these ‘like lists’ for women, so your account is literally never coming up for them to see you. If what you’re currently doing isn’t working it’s important to try something else, just you might do when out fishing.
BigBenis@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
My advice is to get off the internet and get involved with your community. Go to social events, not with the intent of finding somebody to date but with the intent of making friends and connections. Show up as yourself, don’t try to be somebody you aren’t in an attempt to impress, that’ll only mislead people.
Our society treats dating like job interviews, you get an hour tops to make a good impression on a total stranger. It works for some people who are naturally attractive whether it’s their looks or charisma and because that works for those people other people try to emulate that and get frustrated that it doesn’t work for them. Even if it does, that attraction is often superficial because it’s based on a false version of themselves.
In my experience it’s much easier for attraction to grow naturally between people who interact regularly and is more likely to last when those people are showing up as themselves from the beginning.
parody@lemmings.world 2 weeks ago
!!!
Make conversation with other people at nightclubs!
Those who don’t want conversation will probably say nothing or one word
It’s fine trust!!
MisterFrog@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
The number of upvotes on this is concerning. It means there are a super majority of people who voted on this comment that don’t know how to talk to others, and feel alone.
Mate, similar to how others have commented, you’re in a self-fulfilling cycle. You have to learn to just be relaxed first, talk with people for the sake of it, making friends, having fun.
Randomly approaching a woman, isn’t a great way to strike up a conversation that leads to something more (outside certain more familiar contexts like a party).
If your intentions are only “I’m gonna hit on this woman”, then you’re always gonna be creepy.
Woman are just people. Get to know people in general and you’ll have a much better time.
There are dozens of times a day where you can talk to people: in line, at work with colleagues, on public transport (if someone happens to mention something you know about and it’s not a private feeling conversation), hospitality staff, etc.
These are not suggestions of how to find a partner, but of low-hanging opportunities for conversation.
You may still be unattractive, which depending on why, you may or may not be able to work on, but this STILL doesn’t stop you from making friends or generally enjoying being around others.
The way you’ve commented is learned helplessness, and I truly wish you the best, and hope you take steps to pull yourself out of it, with the support of those around you (and professional help, if it’s something available to you).
All the best friend.
pineapplelover@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
I find it hard to find people though. I do my regular activity and hobbies and go about my life, I make friends but they’re mostly guys. I’m also not the type to ask every cute girl out. Idk, I still got one more year at school so maybe something will happen
fuckwit_mcbumcrumble@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
School is a great place to meet people organically. Talk to your class mates. Even if they’re not a girl you want to talk to maybe they know someone.
Outside of school sadly dating apps are the only way to meet people. And they’re not good.
MeThisGuy@feddit.nl 3 weeks ago
be the change you want to see in the world, and yourself
baines@lemmy.cafe 3 weeks ago
yea but have you done the sex?
Denvil@lemmy.ml 3 weeks ago
Idk about you all, but I do the sex SO often, I have an entire drawer full of magnum condoms because I use them so often I need a stockpile
Corridor8031@lemmy.ml 3 weeks ago
how did you meet?