The new testament was written like a hundred years after Jesus died. Its entirely bullshit.
.đ¤¨.
Submitted â¨â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago⊠by â¨OriginEnergySux@lemmy.world⊠to â¨[deleted]âŠ
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Comments
UnspecificGravity@piefed.social â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Itâs an oral history whose earliest written accounts are dates between 60-150 years after the events in questions.
No more âbullshitâ than any number of other 2000 year old transcribed histories.
LodeMike@lemmy.today â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Yes the other stories are also 100% bullshit
rockSlayer@lemmy.blahaj.zone â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
My favorite part of the Bible is Matthew 21:33-45; basically killing landlords is cool and the people who do the work deserve the reward
33 âListen to another parable: There was a landowner who planted a vineyard. He put a wall around it, dug a winepress in it and built a watchtower. Then he rented the vineyard to some farmers and moved to another place. 34 When the harvest time approached, he sent his servants to the tenants to collect his fruit.
35 âThe tenants seized his servants; they beat one, killed another, and stoned a third. 36 Then he sent other servants to them, more than the first time, and the tenants treated them the same way. 37 Last of all, he sent his son to them. âThey will respect my son,â he said.
38 âBut when the tenants saw the son, they said to each other, âThis is the heir. Come, letâs kill him and take his inheritance.â 39 So they took him and threw him out of the vineyard and killed him.
40 âTherefore, when the owner of the vineyard comes, what will he do to those tenants?â
41 âHe will bring those wretches to a wretched end,â they replied, âand he will rent the vineyard to other tenants, who will give him his share of the crop at harvest time.â
42 Jesus said to them, âHave you never read in the Scriptures:
"âThe stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone; the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyesâ[h]?
43 âTherefore I tell you that the kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to a people who will produce its fruit. 44 Anyone who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces; anyone on whom it falls will be crushed.â
45 When the chief priests and the Pharisees heard Jesusâ parables, they knew he was talking about them. 46 They looked for a way to arrest him, but they were afraid of the crowd because the people held that he was a prophet.
AdolfSchmitler@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Dude, my favorite is 2Kings 2:23:24
âThen he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, âGo up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!â When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number.â
God kills 42 kids for calling someone bald LOL
rockSlayer@lemmy.blahaj.zone â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
That verse is funny as fuck, definitely up there with some of the best. Along with killing all of the pigs being raised for food in a village, because they were all apparently possessed by an army of demons
Leviathan@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Jesus: socialism
Pharisees: time to kill him
History just repeats itself forever.
Mulligrubs@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Oh, I didnât know that Socialism means murdering everyone who wonât worship you.
Which is what Jesus promised to do when He returns at the head of a Holy Army.
Learn something new every day
ivanafterall@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Yeah, but also Jesus, also in Matthew, just 4 chapters later:
âFor it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his masterâs money. Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, âMaster, you delivered to me five talents; here, I have made five talents more.â His master said to him, âWell done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.â And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, âMaster, you delivered to me two talents; here, I have made two talents more.â His master said to him, âWell done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.â He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, âMaster, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here, you have what is yours.â But his master answered him, âYou wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.ââ
Jesus was kind of a dick.
Buddahriffic@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
The stories contradict each other to the point that my top guess is they were written by different people. Either that or one person gathered a bunch of different stories attributed to Jesus and just wrote them all down rather than checking if the messages contained within were consistent or not.
Iâd bet that that passage was added during the Roman times, between Constantine adopting it and the fall of the western empire, when Rome was crumbling under the weight of its corruption but the beaurocracy still functioned.
TheDoozer@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
I feel like youâre taking a very different lesson from that. Heâs saying God is the landlord, and the pharisees are the tenants, and when God sent them person after person to get them to behave right, they mistreated them, and then prophesizes his own death by them. Then he says the Kingdom of God will be taken from them (the bad tenants) and given to the rejected (which is a regular theme for Jesus, chilling with the social rejects and talking shit to the religious leaders).
Basically, heâs not applauding the tenants. Heâs saying the Landlord (God) is going to kick them out of his vineyard (his kingdom) for being assholes.
rockSlayer@lemmy.blahaj.zone â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Eh, if christofascists can claim Sodom and Gamorrah is about homosexuality and not disrespect for God, then we can take this verse
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Jesus doing far-left radical anti-government extremist propaganda. If Donald Trump had been Caeser, heâd have done something about it
Mulligrubs@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Jesus says render unto Caesar that which is Caesarâs, and that any rulers are there because God selected them.
He selected Donald Trump, friend.
FreddiesLantern@leminal.space â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Hey now donât oversimplify it!
We all know about Joseph Smith and the stones in a hat.
fyzzlefry@retrolemmy.com â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Wait, what?
dual_sport_dork@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
The origin of the Mormon religion is practically a parody of itself. Itâs also a sterling example of why education is so important in developing peopleâs critical thinking skills so they arenât all credulous morons.
Furbag@pawb.social â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
In case you are unaware of the story of the origins of the Mormon faith that Mormons actually believe, go look up the South Park episode titled All About Mormons. It gives a pretty brief overview of everything, including the stones in the hat.
Itâs quite a funny episode, tbh.
jestho@lemmy.zip â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Dum dum dum dum duuum
ceenote@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
The part where Moses describes his own death is also pretty trippy.
Semi_Hemi_Demigod@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Mine is when the Israelites slaughtered entire cities and then they made kids sing about it at Bible Camp.
robomuffin79@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
They still do it to this day
Mulligrubs@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
⌠and so do does Islam and Christianity, itâs crazy!
what do they all share in common? Itâs a pickle
Etterra@discuss.online â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Mine is the part where Moses went up the mountain, tripped balls for a while, write down some laws, came back down and threw a fit because the people had relapsed into their old religion, and smashed the law tablets like a dumbass.
lugal@sopuli.xyz â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Can you cite these passages? Because from my memory, when heâs praying alone, the content of his prayer isnât recorded and that barely happens at all. There are other things that show that the gospels arenât historical but please stick to the facts
adjectivenoun@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Also notable:
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruished
- Brannigan 3:5
smeenz@lemmy.nz â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Death by snoo snoo!
selokichtli@lemmy.ml â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Disclaimer: Iâm an agnostic. Also, the Evangelists are supposed to write as if God himself was in control of their writing, so, effectively, it would be God himself writing those words.
cranakis@reddthat.com â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Youâve got the apologetic perfect on this one.
âSee God told me this, in my head.â is what that boils down to though. Imagine if we started living by the sayings of everyone who had that experience.
TigerAce@lemmy.dbzer0.com â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
My favorite part is how well it can be used to light a fireplace. Just tear out some pages, put some wood over it and light it. Secundair use is rolling paper when youâve run out.
FistingEnthusiast@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Iâm still annoyed that it has never been printed in two-ply
fodor@lemmy.zip â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
It does not work well as toilet paper. But in a a pinch give it a try. Consider your ass warned, though.
TigerAce@lemmy.dbzer0.com â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
No no no, cleaning your ass is what holy water is for. At the entrance of every church they have a bidet for that.
ChanchoManco@lemmy.zip â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
My father once threw my motherâs bible to the fireplace and because it was closed it didnât burn, my mother took that as a holy sign, Iâve never had the heart to explain her why it didnât burn.
TigerAce@lemmy.dbzer0.com â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Physics explanations usually arenât welcome anyway.
frog@feddit.uk â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
God spoke to the writers of the gospels and told them to write down the story.
I mean I have no idea why each version of the same story is different. Maybe different timelines, dimensions?
God works in mysterious ways. đ¤ˇââď¸
bitjunkie@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Different idiots.
CalypsoGirl@lemmy.today â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Religion is such a mindfuck. And life-fuck.
fuck_u_spez_in_particular@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
And society-fuck.
Newhere@lemmy.ml â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
some_kind_of_guy@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
đą
Acid_Burn@lemmy.dbzer0.com â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
I still think itâs wild that no one really talks about how the order of the books after the gospels is shortest to longest with Revalation (some truly crazy ass shit) tacked on at the end.
some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
The best part, in my opinion, is the extra ending in Mark. This was the original ending, which is an absolute banger:
When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesusâ body. 2 Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb 3 and they asked each other, âWho will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?â
But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. 5 As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.
âDonât be alarmed,â he said. âYou are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. 7 But go, tell his disciples and Peter, âHe is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.'â
Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.
This is in later versions, likely because someone copying the text found the ending to be insufficient:
When Jesus rose early on the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had driven seven demons. She went and told those who had been with him and who were mourning and weeping. When they heard that Jesus was alive and that she had seen him, they did not believe it.
Afterward Jesus appeared in a different form to two of them while they were walking in the country. These returned and reported it to the rest; but they did not believe them either.
Later Jesus appeared to the Eleven as they were eating; he rebuked them for their lack of faith and their stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen him after he had risen.
He said to them, âGo into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.â
After the Lord Jesus had spoken to them, he was taken up into heaven and he sat at the right hand of God. Then the disciples went out and preached everywhere, and the Lord worked with them and confirmed his word by the signs that accompanied it.
But remember, kids: the bible is all true and infallible and the word of god and whatever other crap they tell you.
Criticism aside, Iâm a hardcore atheist and reading about the history of early christianity (first ~300 years) was absolutely fascinating and Iâd recommend checking out the subject to others who oppose organized religion. Bart Ehrman would be a good starting point, though can you go down quite a rabbit hole beyond his writing. This might be a good jumping off point: How Jesus Became God
humanspiral@lemmy.ca â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
is there a story over why Jeususâs body was entombed with a big rock? Was the big rock put there by people who loved Jesus or Zombie panicked haters of Jesus?
humanspiral@lemmy.ca â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Better title for that book would be How Jesus became do onto others with full righteousness of being the chosen people. The common matter declaration by Constantine (not even the pope) at Nicea, became Mosesâs whoever doesnât support the emperorâs wars is a heretic to be put to death. P.S. Santa Claus was a dick.
chmod755@feddit.org â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Yes, the book of Revealation is insane
humanspiral@lemmy.ca â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
written about 90AD, fyi
magnolia_mayhem@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Just the fact that he needed to talk to him is a problem enough. I was raised with the understanding that they were the same person.
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Wait no I changed mine itâs when they put Jesus in a hole, then put a giant wheel of cheese in front of the hole.
The reason Jesus ainât come back is he needs our help to eat all that cheese and get out of the hole
[now that I think about it I might be able to start a cult around cheese. I told my wife no more cults, but I didnât promise. Plus, cheese. Maybe she wants to join this one]
NABDad@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
What you donât realize is the holy spirit was spying on them, recorded the conversation, and sold it to the local tabloid.
human@slrpnk.net â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
I saw a movie several years ago (name below to avoid spoilers) that was âbased on a true storyâ and involved two people stranded in a dangerous situation with no way to communicate with anyone. I watched this whole movie, invested in the characters and the story, and then at the end they died, bodies never recovered. I was so annoyed. I get that biopics take a lot of liberties, but how tf could they say anything but the first ten minutes were in any way âbased on a true storyâ?
Tap for spoiler
I think it was Open Water
FinjaminPoach@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
He came back after getting crucified prolly told them about it then
agent_nycto@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
I hate it when I go and do something and then tell someone about it and they are like âno one else was there so it didnât happenâ.
Iâm not saying Jesus is real or anything but like, he coulda just donât stuff and went back to his boyfriends and been like âhey wild shit I prayed and good was like what upâ
Ichiro_kun@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Well thats what happens when ur books gets updates faster than ur phone⌠;-)
expletivedeleted@lemmy.zip â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
What a worthless world view you have. You just had to write all of that to justify holding onto your ego, when it is so easy to let go.
tigermountain@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Instagram has some wonderful clips of Christopher Hitchens absolutely destroying religion.
20cello@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Makes sense
weps@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
new testament is obviously bullshit
the old testament has some really great stories but itâs unfortunate the Jews rewrote all the stories to fit their narrative
still not a bad book
7/10
ekZepp@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
The note-guy name was Bob. But he was quite shy so you wonât find many notes about him in the text.
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Mine is when this guy, you know his name, hitched his ass to a tree and walked a mile.
Mulligrubs@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Official explanation: The Holy Spirit narrated to the author. This can be quite removed, some books were written many years after the event, some were passed down. Then the Council of Nicea went through all of these tales and said âThis is real, we can tell, were putting this in the Bible.â
They also resolved a pressing issue for the new church. âStop cutting off your balls, this is a metaphor, not literal instructions. Even though He said that they were instructions, that was also a metaphor.â
You probably think Iâm joking⌠but sadly, no.
tomi000@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
You mean the four authors who all wrote the same story but slightly different?
Holy spirit talking to people must have been common back then. Strange how it just stopped.
spankysalmon@fedinsfw.app â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
It didnât stop, we just understand it as psychosis these days.
Mulligrubs@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Oh, it hasnât stopped, friend.
Go to any Assembly of God church on Sunday; they are inspired my the Holy Spirit, and speak in tongues! Holy Spirit talks to all who will listen.
The Bible teaches that when you accept Christ, the Holy Spirit infuses you with magical wisdom and intellect. This is why you can be sure that your thoughts are legitimate and righteous.
im_fine_sandy@nord.pub â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Some of the other writings that didnât make the cut for the canonical bible are wild.
LillyPip@lemmy.ca â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
I feel cheated that they cut the version of the nativity where Jesus was born in a cave and fought a literal dragon, after which the dragons and some lions bowed down to him (apocryphal Gospel of James).
That would have been a much better scene under the Xmas tree.
bitjunkie@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Well, he didnât say you canât rape little boysâŚ
jim_v@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
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Mulligrubs@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
No, thatâs death penalty!
Oh, wait, it says âmanâ, canât lay with a âmanâ, not boy. Hmm. Best to ask for forgiveness just to cover your ass.
Itâs certainly okay to murder a boy if he has been disrespectful or disobedient. (Please note that this is not my personal view, this is Biblical, I didnât write it please donât call ICE on me).
18 If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, 19 his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. 20 They shall say to the elders, âThis son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.â 21 Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid. ~Deuteronomy 21:18-21
Beatings are also fine from a Bible perspective, but not too much⌠but donât spare the rod (Proverbs 13:24)! Read your Bible for further details (I recommend King James 1611).
neuracnu@lemmy.blahaj.zone â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Flagging for best-of-lemmy
VindictiveJudge@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Didnât that one come later because certain members of the clergy were having kids and functionally turning their positions into hereditary fiefdoms?
HK65@sopuli.xyz â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
IiRC it was more so that the Church got actual fiefdoms and wanted control so that potential priestly families wouldnât just distance themselves into secular noble houses, taking lands with them.
Fiefdoms and related duties originated from kings, so the church wanted similar parallel rights over their vassal priests.
Mulligrubs@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
This is what i was referring to, but it may have been a later council? I am finding conflicting claims
ceiphas@feddit.org â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
The celibate came in the middle ages and wasnt a law before the begin of the 20th century
PapaStevesy@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
I guess theyâre no longer celibate thenâŚ
Mulligrubs@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
This is what I was referring to.
⌠and celibacy has been part of Christianity for longer than it has been called Christianity⌠including forced celibacy through castration.
Salamanderwizard@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Wait what? Really? I mean I figured. JustâŚit was basically like that?
Squirrelanna@lemmy.blahaj.zone â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
I read this in the voice of Bill Wurtz, jingles included.
Someone could make a religion out of this.
scathliath@lemmy.dbzer0.com â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
To be fair, the âYou canât get marriedâ issue happened seven hundred years later under Gregory the Seventh, and at the time, the other patriarchs who remained following the rise of Islam thought the Archbishop of Rome, the Pope, was nuts too. Which is why Coptic and Greek Orthodox priests can marry, along with Protestant priests. All arguing âChrist never said you needed to absolutely forgoe sex, that was Paul and Peter.â
Mulligrubs@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
âThis great synod absolutely forbids a bishop, presbyter, deacon or any of the clergy to keep a woman who has been brought in to live with him, with the exception of course of his mother or sister or aunt, or of any person who is above suspicion.â
This is what I was referring to, from the First Council of Nicaea.
ImWaitingForRetcons@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
The Council of Nicaea did not decide the books of the canon, it decided on whether Jesus was equal to God or notâŚ
Mulligrubs@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
It decided many things other than âJesus was equal to God or not.â
You should read about it!
tkk13909@sopuli.xyz â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
FYI, the council of Nicea had nothing to do with biblical canon. Thatâs a common misconception.
Mulligrubs@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
Feel free to correct me with any source! I am interested.
www.papalencyclicals.net/councils/ecum01.htm
jimmy90@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
thereâs a whole section of the library called fiction
itâs going to blow your mind
M137@lemmy.today â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
âThis can be quite removedâ
What? Iâm not sober so itâs very possible Iâm just bring stupid and not understanding the words, they just make no sense to me at the moment and I canât figure out what you were trying to write (in the case of me not being dumb right now).
historicaldocuments@lemmy.world â¨2⊠â¨weeks⊠ago
âQuite removedâ in terms of time.
It means that the church failed to destroy records about how the stuff they peddle wasnât written anywhere near the events they supposedly describe. Youâre supposed to spend years studying the book upon threat of physical violence or death until you reach a point where youâre too invested in the mythos to bother questioning it. Youâre supposed to NOT study all the figures that we have written records of that predate the jesus myth:
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