This Is Why I Sit Down To Pee Pee

Comments

• MutantTailThing@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  I used to have this problem, but I somehow got over it by imagining to piss in the face of the queen of England. Something about unloading in her face while she’s sitting there all prissy like makes me laugh which relaxes my muscles enough to piss.

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  • HappyCatLuvs_U@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    So thankful the internet still says infinitely more hilarious and baffling things on a daily basis than AI could ever manage.

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    • Honytawk@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Why do you think this couldn’t have been written by AI?

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  • officermike@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    But what do you do now that there’s no queen?

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    • Grail@multiverse.soulism.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Obviously the answer is to imagine Margaret Thatcher

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  • djdarren@piefed.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Are you Irish, by any chance?

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    • MutantTailThing@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Nope I’m Dutch .

      Also y’all think I’m joking but I’m dead serious

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  • hemko@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    I tried this, but got a boner instead

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    • olafurp@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      This is what I stay on Lemmy for

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  • usualsuspect191@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    The Queen and peeing reminds me of this

    youtu.be/pdE83FX-Mto

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    • diaphragmwp@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      You think someone will follow a youtube link in the context of peeing on the queen’s face?

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    • Vespair@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Pure cinema

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  • syaochan@feddit.it ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    I don’t think this will help me, but thanks for the laugh

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  • Anarki_@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    In the end she’ll be sitting there all pissy.

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  • 87Six@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    One of those comments that comes like a slap in the face with a hand full of cold water, in the morning

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  • FreshLight@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Thank you very much for sharing

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  • yoru77@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    tenor.com/…/gem-alert-gem-magnifying-glass-magnif…

    What is opposite of this image/gif? That’s how I feel rn

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  • socsa@piefed.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    This is how I’m going to potty train my children. I’m sure it will work out fine.

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    • MutantTailThing@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Keep em’ away from posh elderly ladies otherwise there’s gonna be lawsuits out the wazzoo.

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• I_Has_A_Hat@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  Pro tip: If you have a shy bladder, you can just go into a stall to pee.

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  • testaccount789@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Doesn’t work for me, must be different room.
    In high school I was sometimes late because I had to find empty restroom, which sometimes meant switching between different buildings (4 of them).

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    • socsa@piefed.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      I had a buddy who got a Doctor’s note that let him pee and poop in the nurse’s office.

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    • pineapplelover@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Damn, that sucks. You ever pee outdoors? Is that better

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  • hirihit640@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Old guy from the comic presses his ear to the door “Hey! I don’t hear shittin! This guys just pissin in there!”

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    • BlackPenguins@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Now I need an extra panel with him sliding under the stall like a mechanic under a car.

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    • JcbAzPx@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      That guy is way too interested in other people’s evacuations.

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  • Drusas@fedia.io ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Women/girls also frequently suffer from a shy bladder even though stalls are the norm.

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    • 0x0@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      It’s almost like humans have a biological expectation of privacy when peeing that modern American construction fails to meet.

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  • Logarrhythmia@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    I already do that. Urinals dont’t have tp for pp.

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    • okwhateverdude@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      You mean you don’t vigorously shake piss droplets all over the place?

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• Schal330@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  This reminds me of one night where a group of friends went out drinking. Just before we were going to leave the pub to go to one further down the road one friend said he needed to take a piss. It triggered something in a bunch of us as most of us realised we needed to go.

  The toilets were really busy; that situation where you’re pissing in what is basically a trough with your elbows touching the elbows of other guys next to you. Immediately on trying to go it just wasn’t happening. I stood awkwardly for about a minute, zipped up, washed my hands and went outside.

  Everyone gathered round and we started walking. We were walking in silence for about a minute when one guy said “Did anyone else manage to actually pee?” To which loads of us burst out laughing. Turns out we all did the same thing, even though we needed to pee, we all failed to do so.

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  • Ursapharm@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    That’s a real group of bros

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    • Janjko@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      More like a group of betas!

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  • Bipauler@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    One time I was in line to piss before watching a Mastodon concert, and I really had to piss, and I stood in line with like 50 dudes waiting for ye olde washroom, and there was like two urinals and a stall. Well fuck me the stall was taken, so not wanting to be a rude dick to every other dude in line I tried to use the urinal. So I whipped out mah johnson, and it was pretty much like the comic, got pee shy, held it for like 30 I don’t know 45 seconds or something. Nothing. I’m like looking over my shoulder at this massive line of of dudes behind me. Fuck. So I just she pretended shake it shoved it back into my pants and was miserable having to piss the whole Mastodon set.

    I fucking hate having to piss in public around people. It’s so terrible.

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• gigastasio@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  Image

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  • tanisnikana@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    That’s Neil Kohney! Can recognize them testicular chins anywhere.

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• QuinnyCoded@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  that guy looks like the dad from cloudy with a chance of meatballs lol

  Image

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  • bcgm3@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    I don’t get fishing metaphors!

    Thought the same thing.

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• stopforgettingit@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  The comic for the women’s bathroom is two girls in stalls waiting for the other one to leave so she can shit.

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• smuuthbrane@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  Great, now I’m not going to be able to pee all day.

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  • schwifty_squanch@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Try counting to ten while you pee.

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    • smuuthbrane@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      That doesn’t work if I can’t start peeing!

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• EggInDisguise@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  I used to sit because it was more comfortable.

  Now I sit for… Different reasons lmao

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  • Sadbutdru@sopuli.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    All right then, keep your secrets.

    frodo.gif

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    • catsarebadpeople@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      There are some clues though

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  • GalacticSushi@piefed.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    I used to sit because it avoided any splash and is supposedly better for you.

    But if we’re both being honest, we were always sitting for eggy reasons.

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  • kbobabob@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Anybody that has actually cleaned a toilet will be aware of the benefits of sitting

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  • RickyRigatoni@piefed.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Penis gnomes.

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  • Axolotl_cpp@feddit.it ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    I guess you should change your name mmh

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  • lemmyman@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Because you might unexpectedly shit too, I presume

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  • yoru77@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Ha! I bet you don’t have balls to tell the reason! /s

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  • riquisimo@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Sitting is also nice because you don’t have to worry about potentially wiping the seat.

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• catsarebadpeople@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  I sit down when I pee. There nothin that crazy bout me.

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  • JimVanDeventer@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    In the urinal? Like, facing forwards?

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    • HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      sidesaddle, like a prim and proper lady, all shipshape and bristol fashion

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    • catsarebadpeople@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Like planking face down

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  • RagingRobot@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    You’re sitting down but You’re not making brown?

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    • catsarebadpeople@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      This guy gets it

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• Vespair@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  So I don’t really worry about getting caught “not peeing” or whatever, but I do often take a moment or two to get started… and I also frequently attend concerts.

  I never worry about being watched, but boy do I feel like a jackass sometimes taking thrice as long as everyone else when there’s a line out the door between bands…

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  • shroomato@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    What makes it especially hard is when the guy next in line is breathing down your neck

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• Abyssian@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  Hah, I’ve literally been there. Imagine a 9’x9’ prison cell with two men, steel bunk “beds”, and a solid steel toilet. Also, you’re high on suboxone because there’s not much else to do in prison.

  You’re a grown man, standing facing the toilet with wiener in hand, with another grown man’s head like 3 feet behind your ass. Standing there for what feels like eternity. And you’re thinking “Oh shit. He’s going to think I don’t know how to piss or something. This is weird. His head is way too close to my ass. Fuck, I’d better not fart. I forgot how pain killers and shit can make you unable to piss. It’s got to be the sub I took. I have to go so bad but I don’t know how to make it work. I did forget how to pee!”

  And as you panic, your bunkie finally says something like “What the fuck, dude? Did you forget how to piss?” and all of your fears come true.

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• infinitesunrise@slrpnk.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  I could write a lengthy essay about how the design of modern western public bathrooms reflects our social hypocrisies, inconsistencies, and social ills. In fact I have been gathering thoughts for a while now with plans to do so.

  And I too opt for a stall whenever possible, I’m a cis-presenting man but I still don’t feel safe enough at a urinal for the pee to flow.

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• myszka@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  This is one of the reasons why I don’t understand how other men use pissoirs. Like how do you manage the absolute lack of privacy?? And I’m not even talking about hygiene (you don’t use toilet paper when uaing a pissoir)

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• TootSweet@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  I’ve got this trick. Basically, I start relaxing the muscles on the way to the restroom. Not enough that there’s any chance I’ll piss myself before I get there. Just enough that by the time I’m in front of the urinal, it’s not difficult to start the stream quickly.

  There was this one time I felt kindof bad about. went to the restroom where I worked (back before I was working remotely) and used “the trick” as usual. I get there, and there’s a guy at one of the urinals already. I peed, flushed, washed my hands, and left the restroom before he produced a drop.

  Of course, in all likelihood, “the trick” won’t continue to work so well as my beard grows grayer, and some day I’ll be the other guy.

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• UltraGiGaGigantic@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  I w8sh u could sit down when I pee, but my dick and balls are so long they get dunked when I do so. 😔

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• dream_weasel@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  I always thought this comic was upvotes because the absurdity of it is funny, not because it’s a thing that people are actually anxious about and therefore relate to.

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• MeatPilot@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  I feel this, also if I just can’t squeeze anything out there is this additional awkward thought process.

  When do I put it away? Will they know I didn’t pee? Should I shake it to pretend I peed? Oh God there is a child next to me. Now everyone will think I am pretending to pee to see this child’s weiner. I can’t step away now. I’ll just have to wait until the room is empty.

  the bathroom never empties out, I die there.

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• HieroProtagonist@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  The solution to this problem is simple: Just don’t use a public bathroom… the world is a giant, enormous shitter with endless and diverse opportunities to more or less hide behind something and let it flow.

  Why let yourself be trapped and domesticated? Your Dick wants FREEDOM!

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• Pringles@sopuli.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  Ok, since the solution to this problem hasn’t been provided in this thread, here it is:

  Start calculating the fibonacci sequence in your head once you can start to pee: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, etc…

  The reason why this works is because the calculations use the exact same part of the brain that also causes pee anxiety. Just gove it a try, it works incredibly well. Usually I have a solid flow before I get to 34 and I’ve been using this technique for years so I go through the sequence quite quickly.

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• Valmond@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  Sit sit sit on the urinal!

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• GelatinGeorge@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  Here’s some advice I received years ago for this very situation: if you’re struggling to piss due to stage fright, imagine pissing on the head of someone you hate. Really imagine it. Imagine micturating all over their hair (or their scalp), the aghast expression, then them spluttering while trying to mouth ‘What the fuck?’ it does work. I don’t know why it works - and I most definitely don’t want to know - but it does work.

  You’re all most welcome :)

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• JackbyDev@programming.dev ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  Imagine me opening Lemmy during my pre movie piss at the urinal only to see this. I hate how accurate this is, but it’s amazing. I get nervous pee sooooo bad. It’s like everything just freezes up lmao.

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• corvi@piefed.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  Start holding your breath when you walk into the bathroom. Breath out and start your flow.

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• fennesz12@feddit.dk ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  Pissing with shy bladder protip: Do some multiplication tables in your head. What’s 7x6? 8x6? 4x12?

  Takes up enough concentration that it easily starts to flow. Made this trick up years back and it has never failed me.

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• Zacryon@feddit.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  So what? Everyone needs to be held once in a while, including my weener. It’s very comforting.

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• riquisimo@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  This makes me think about when women talk about going into the bathroom and casually chatting, and don’t understand why guys don’t do the same.

  The feeling inside a bathroom is fundamentally different depending on the door sign. I kinda wonder if there’s a culture shock for trans people.

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• affenlehrer@feddit.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  I never had this problem when I was younger. Until the day I had a medical examination to be drafted and they wanted me to give them a urine sample and I couldn’t. They offered me lots of water (which I drank) but still I couldn’t pee for what felt like an hour. Ever since I had problems relaxing.

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• WoodScientist@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  I solved my issues with urinals by simply removing my ability to use a urinal.

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• cRazi_man@europe.pub ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

  The wise learn from the knowledge of their elders. Heed my words younglings: Don’t push too hard to try to start. It might push out a massive noisy fart… Or worse

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