Submitted 3 weeks ago by feelthepop@sh.itjust.works to [deleted]
You don’t. I feel for him. He just needs time and you have to understand some people need their privacy and there is no amount of time spent together that can change that. I’m one of those people. I’d be equally tense with a friend’s family or my in laws if I had them, no matter how much I like them, no matter how well we get along.
I don’t know where the 4 weeks and 30 days comes from since now it is June and they met in January . The rest are all true.
It comes from OP: “We met in January and have been dating since last month.” (Emphasis mine.)
You replied to the wrong comment I believe
Ask your parents to sleep in the same bed as you two for the first few nights. It’ll calm everyone down and help build trusting relationship bonds. If you need a bigger bed, I recommend the California king or Sultan bed size.
Yes, I've seen this one before. You start with a nice safe game of "who's in my mouth?" And then once everyone is warm, you work your way up to ranked competitive sex. Before you know it everyone is too tired to be embarrassed.
California king is smaller than a regular king actually! Alaska king is bigger though
It’s a California Kong, which is two California kings tied together with gorilla leather.
It’s taller, but not as wide.
For us tall people the California king is bigger in all the right places
Diddy king is best of all! Didn’t forget to remind daddy to bring some hallucinogenic laced baby oil. This helps build rapport and loving bonds of familial love and respect! Diddy Kiddy King!
I have been with my wife for thirty years and we’re still not comfortable having sex with her parents in the house.
Is that the only place you’re not comfortable having sex with her parents?
The car isn’t that great either if I’m being honest.
You can read that sentence a number of ways.
Like, with the parents listening, or with them reciting it with you?
This is like dealing with a fart. Force to hard and you’ll shit your pants. Best to let it work itself out.
Is there any situation for which a fart is not a perfect metaphor?
You’ve been dating a month? I’d say what you can do to “help” him is date him for about 6 months and see how things stand then.
You should really move out or stay at his place when you want to fuck. He doesn’t need to regress into your childhood.
This is going to be more common as people won’t be able to afford to move out.
Sure is.
Doesn’t change the issue.
No one said anything about sex?
I guess the “private stuff” they’d be doing with her parents home isn’t sex then.
It was heavily implied at the end that that’s part of the issue
Agree on this. But if the boyfriend already feels uncomfortable staying at her parents house for just a meal, sleeping and having a shit, then something more is going on with him.
People who downvote and don't comment why they disagree are cowards in my book, btw.
Take sex off the table for the first few times of him staying over. he might be more comfortable if he knows theres no expectation of boinking.
Then when he’s more relaxed with the idea of staying over down the road you can reintroduce the idea. don’t pressure tho
Put sex on the floor. Less squeaky
It sucks that what you both want isn’t compatible, but you don’t really have much of a choice but to respect his boundaries. A gentle nudge in the right direction as others have suggested probably wouldn’t hurt, but just make sure you check in with him about it and he knows you’re not nagging or trying to pressure him to do something he isn’t (yet) comfortable with.
Absolutely this. Patience and respecting boundaries.
It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to sleep over at your parents’ house after only a month of dating. To be honest, it’s reasonable to not ever want to do that. It’s weird sleeping in someone else’s house period.
But especially after just a month of dating, your parents may as well be strangers to him. He likely doesn’t have any sense for any cultural differences between how he was raised and your family, like what behaviors are considered faux pas to your parents, etc.
To be honest I think you’re really getting ahead of yourself. Take your time with the relationship and build trust and the foundations of a great relationship. It always takes time and patience. You guys are still just starting to learn about each other.
I totally agree with this analysis. There are also so many factors that we don’t know about. The age difference alone could be awkward, he is drinking age, she is not. He might go for a night cap before bed, and be double so inclined being in a strange environment. But she might not be able to legally drink, yet he can, and maybe her parents are teetotalers… who knows?
Or maybe he usually sleeps with a CPAP, and didn’t want to bring it up early in the relationship.
Or it could not even be about night at all. Maybe he responds poorly to mornings. Or often has a flare up of IBS or something in mornings.
There could be all sorts of issues people may have… And I am mostly highlighting outliers not more common things like social anxiety.
I’m like him at my girlfriends place too. I’d be shocked if anything helps. Maybe just time.
But also I’m a particularly reserved person. The only time I’m comfortable is in her room, if the door is locked. Or in a more organised setting like having a meal (this is actually more bearable than comfortable). I’d rather just leave the house or be at my own place.
I hate being at my inlaws’ for an extended period of time (hours). My spouse hates being at my parents’ in the same time period. You can both have totally normal, comfortable nights at your own parents’ place but find the experience entirely foreign and unsettling at the others’. The type of soap, the number of towels, the default amount of noise, the temperature, the forced formal interactions, the TV shows, the time of dinner, the existence of any activity other than your usual quiet night in, everything. Not wanting to be a disturbance in someone else’s place. Being under a foreign set of rules. Just everything.
Do you feel normal sleeping over an aunt/uncle’s place? A friend’s parents’ place? A hotel? A hostel?
I lived WITH my inlaws for a year. Still can’t stand it. Grateful for the financial relief at the time, but still uncomfortable enough to keep me driven to in debt myself with my own place ASAP.
You probably can’t. This is a boundary for him and a better approach to this might be to get a better understanding of where he’s coming from (if needed) and respect that boundary.
i would rather sleep in a ditch than at my partner’s parents house
I was a year older than my gf (decades ago) and she lived with her folks. It’s weird staying over with someone’s parents. Just accept it. It’s even weirder at 25, I’m sure.
Nobody wants to get frisky with the parents in the next room. Grow up.
who said they had to get frisky?
Are you seriously asking that about a 20/24 yo couple getting into bed for the entire night? Were you ever that age?
If sex was off the table, I wouldn’t even go through with it. What’s the point? I’d just rather sleep alone, and avoid the entire night of blue balls.
Nobody wants to fuck in the next room over from mom and dad.
If you want him to feel comfortable then don’t make him be around your family just to see you.
move out of your parents place.
This is nostupidquestions, so I would expect somewhat serious answers. This does not seem like a serious answer.
It’s nostupidquestions not nostupidanswers.
I would give him time, if I were you. After a month of dating, that’s still pretty early in a relationship. Sleeping on someone else’s house can be scary, so early on.
Oh man. If you were 25 and he was 30 this would not be as much of a deal but I can see why he feels wierd about it. This is just an aspect of life. When your younger small age differences are more significant and more so if your living independently. Honestly even when your older its wierd with the parent child thing. It goes in reverse to. You have a single parent dating and the date spends the night and it can be wierd for the person not part of the household. I personally think you need to accept it and just see if he eventually gets to where he can manage doing it. I mean he is a guy so if the offer is on the table he will get around to mentioning it if he thinks he can handle it.
Do you know what part is “too intimate”? Is it sleeping over in general, do you stay at his? Is it the awkwardness of your parents being around? Or, with intimate / all adults / private lives are you really talking about him not being comfortable having sex with his girlfriend in her parents house?
All of those are pretty normal, but can probably be resolved in different ways. E.g if he just likes his own space, maybe starting with a single night staying over makes more sense than a few days, and at the weekend so it’s not disrupting his schedule or whatever he worries about.
If it’s the sex one, I’d recommend a bit of empathy. Some people are really relaxed about sex and others are not. And as a guy, if I’m worrying about someone hearing us, how much noise the bed is making, etc it can be pretty hard to get in the mood and some guys can be worried about not being able ‘to perform’ especially when you’re both young and only been dating a short time. And it’s not as easily brushed aside as “don’t worry about it, they don’t care” once my mind is focused on what someone downstairs might be hearing and thinking, I’m not in the moment any more.
Another way to look at this is that you are lucky he isn’t the sort of guy to nail your hips to the mattress while forcing you to scream daddy as your biological father shifts uncomfortably next to his morning coffee at the breakfast table.
Dude has normal boundaries, if one of you has a private place, that is where you should be staying. I’m honestly curious as to why you want him to stay at your parents place when he has a perfectly usable apartment for both of you.
If its important to you, and you’re capable of having grown-up conversations as a couple, then there’re probably lots of ways to figure it out. Start by taking the pressure completely off by telling him that you understand that it makes him uncomfortable and you’d never want to pressure him into something he’s not fully consenting to (can you imagine if it was a 20F posting that her older boyfriend keeps trying to push her to have sex in a situation she feels uncomfortable in?)
Then try and find out what is actually the source of the issue for him, and if he wants to, work on that. If he deep down struggles to believe that your parents are cool with this guy banging their can’t-even-drink-in-a-bar* aged daughter then maybe your parents have to be more direct about giving their approval. I had a gf who’s parents had noisy sex when we were staying over and whose dad made super weird jokes like “we want her back in one piece <wink>” when we said goodnight. It was deeply awkward, but I certainly didn’t worry about them judging us for having sex.
Similarly, if it just makes him feel self-conscious and that doesn’t make him feel very sexy, maybe you can start doing (consensual) minor sex stuff during the day while he’s visiting. Or spend time during the day watching TV or chatting in your bedroom with the door shut. And once he’s confortable spending time in your bed and in private, and he sees that your parents don’t judge him even though you could have been having sex, it’ll be easier to accept an overnight. And tbh, when staying in someone else’s house it’s much easier it have sex during the day when people are busy and there’s noise from TVs and stuff, than at night when any noise feels very obvious.
But the main thing is to respect each other’s boundaries, and realise that some things take time.
Just as a point of perspective, I’m 51 and my wife is 46. We are entirely independent and on great terms with all our parents. I still don’t relish the idea of staying overnight at her parents house with them.
Maybe he feels like your parents will see the obvious and not necessarily insignificant age gap. When I was 25, I would never date a 20 year old. Five years is a lot still at that age. I’m 35 now, and last year I dated a 32 year old guy and I still noticed it.
Think of it this way: no matter the chemistry between you two, you aren’t even allowed to legally drink yet because society deems you not fully developed.
I’m not saying this is what he’s thinking of, or even intuiting. It’s just one possiblity. It could just as likely be him wanting to be proper or traditional or respectful to your parents.
Like any relationship, just ask him 🤷♀️
When I was 21, I dated a 19 year old and the age gap felt huge. When I was 20 I dated an 18 year old (I thought she was my age, her friends misled me) and the age gap was even bigger, I was pissed at her friends. A few other times, same story, also when they were 2 years older or even 1 year younger. I don’t get these people…
He’s right to feel uncomfortable because it’s inappropriate. My kids are 19 and 21 and while I am hopeful/happy for them to have intimate adult relationships they find fulfilling I don’t have any interest in those relationships happening under my roof with what is essentially a stranger. My son has been in a relationship with a nice young woman for about a year and a half and while I would have no issue with them sharing a room I wouldn’t want my 19 year old sharing her room with a freshly found boyfriend or vice versa, it is intimate and I care about the quality of my kids relationships and if they’re dating someone who doesn’t respect that I don’t want causal sex going on in my house I don’t know how quality this person they’re dating even is… for me, as the parent in this situation is that this feels way too much like casual sex which I feel isn’t in most people’s best interests. Hook up else where and figure it out six months down the road
That’s because Zenith is being a weird dork that thinks their adult children aren’t their own people, OP, don’t mind them.
Yeah. Young adults are going to have sex.
They can have sex in the safe home where they live. Or they can have sex in less safe places like parties, frat houses, in cars where they can collect a public indecency charge, etc…
That’s the choice you get to make as a parent.
It feels weird sleeping at the in-laws house as a married person lmao
I bet if your parents seduced him he’d probably be more open to having sex in their house.
It's funny, when I was in high school and college, I felt a great sense of pride in "conquering" my partner's home, but as a married adult it does give me some mild ick to get frisky in the guest bed. I mean I still will, but there's definitely a loss of enthusiasm and willingness to do certain things.
As everyone else has said, this is a pretty normal hangup, and if it’s really where you plan to live for the foreseeable future, only time will wear down the edges of that anxiety. It sounds like your parents raised you to be very open and you have an honest relationship with them and open invitation to live with them until you find a path that takes you elsewhere. Frankly, that’s great. My own daughter is a pre-teen but honestly I think we’re on a fairly similar path, but that’s more because it’s what feels like the right thing to do and the right way to treat someone, compared to the arbitrarily rigid households my wife and I grew up in. It doesn’t make make it magically not-alien.
It’s only been a month and he likely grew up in a different style of household. Honestly, in the US at least, the communities that most commonly do multi-generational living are very much not the ones okay with unmarried partners staying over. That’s a pretty significant cultural disconnect, and it’s going to be a while before he gets over it and truly believes that your parents are as okay with it as you claim. It’s probably going to require them to be almost comically over the top about it being okay (which has its own social hazards, LOL), or else it’s going to require baby steps. A trip together could help, as someone else mentioned. Or, a movie night that runs long and he stays in a spare bedroom. Eventually, with exposure and with a relationship between the two of you that proves to be solid over time, he may come to feel that it’s less awkward or disrespectful. He might also be a bit (overly?) self-conscious about the slight age difference in front of people whose primary job over the last 20 years has been keeping you safe.
So yeah, he’s sort of bringing his hangups into the relationship in a way you likely find frustrating, but I wouldn’t worry about it, certainly not until it’s been a good bit longer. It’s a common thing, coming from an honest place (and as mentioned, anxiety+expectations could create a lot of issues around the very intimacy you want to promote). In the meantime, it’s fairly easy to work around, especially since you do have the kind of relationship with your parents that makes staying at his place unremarkable. Eventually, yes, he should grow to trust you and your parents enough to believe you all when you say it’s fine, and if that’s still not enough then to have the kind of open conversation with you as his partner to understand why it’s not going to happen. For now, just keep doing things to make him comfortable at your place, but for the most part I’d let this one go.
Ball gag and a bottle of tequila?
For the parents, I assume?
Good point, we'll need at least two ball gags.
You forgot hog ties.
you should move out of your parents place
orbituary@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
I am not sure why everyone here isn’t seeing the obvious. You’re 20 and live at home. He’s 25 and is a guy. You’ve been together for 4 weeks. 30 days.
Your parents don’t “love” him. They are just tolerant and probably happy he’s not an awful goober.
You are a love-stuck 20 year old and may potentially not be picking up on cues or grasp the nuances of parenting and having an adult offspring in the house.
He’s a guy, 25, and has likely heard his share of mischaracterizations from parents, or possibly been in a situation where he got caught sleeping over as a teenager… Or any other number of things fresh in his head from also being young.
Neither of you have true license over this relationship while you’re not a fully autonomous person. Sleeping over at your place is going to feel weird at 30 days or 3 years if you live with your parents.
Give the guy a break. It’s not a comfortable situation.
cdf12345@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
Oh man this ^
Perfect response
scarabic@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Pretty condescending though and makes a lot of age based assumptions.
CrayonDevourer@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Love-struck.
orbituary@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
Typo: as in, I was slapping keys at 6:45am and couldn’t see.
Thanks.
Etterra@discuss.online 3 weeks ago
This is probably the best response. Just chill and he’ll be fine.
FireRetardant@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I’d argue comfort could come after more time together in the right circumstances. Many couples choose to live with one sides parents to save money given the housing shortage many countries are facing. The catch is, this typically only works when both the parents and the couple are respectful of each others privacy and boundaries. This often equates to turning a basement into an apartment with sperate bathroom and kitchen/kitchenette.
orbituary@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
She’s 20. Two years ago she was in high school, friend.
drmoose@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Unless they come from a culture where living with your parents is absolutely normal which is surprisingly still very common.
KumaSudosa@feddit.dk 2 weeks ago
In that case it wouldn’t be that common to have a “casual” boyfriend coming to sleep over after a month though
WhyJiffie@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
slightly off topic, but this is a contradiction. if you are paying rent, that is not your own place.
orbituary@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
Can you just not.
agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
It is in the ways that matter here. “Own” here refers to being independent from your parents specifically, not property ownership.