Pro tip…always keep a solid (not mesh) trash can in your bathroom. Hopefully you’ll never need to…but if you ever need to puke and shit simultaneously, you’ll be thankful.
Certified post about shit
Submitted 2 months ago by VetOfTheSeas@discuss.online to [deleted]
https://discuss.online/pictrs/image/4a1d1940-6040-445b-842e-3231579ced19.jpeg
Comments
dingus@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Whostosay@sh.itjust.works 2 months ago
Lmao my gf made that mistake once. She had both. She just chose wrong.
ouRKaoS@lemmy.today 2 months ago
On the same note: Hardware store 5 gallon buckets are one of the most useful things you can own. Gives you a spot to puke if you’re on the toilet, or a spot to sit if you only have to puke.
Godnroc@lemmy.world 2 months ago
First, my local store has 2 gallon buckets that were 1/5 the price of their fancy designer trash cans, fit a standard shopping bag nicely, and also would be perfect for the emergency puke pail.
Second, I’ve always kneeled down with arms on the rim to prevent anything coming out my nose. Is that an issue with the bucket seat raising your body higher?
peteypete420@sh.itjust.works 2 months ago
My current bathroom is pretty small, i can lean over the tub if need to vom while shitting. Thankfully that hasnt happened since some awful virus i had in the early 2000s. But ill never forget.
Landless2029@lemmy.world 2 months ago
I believe that’s called the spins
dingus@lemmy.world 2 months ago
My case was actually food poisoning. 😞 At least it didn’t last too long!
applebusch@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 months ago
yeah usually accompanied by profuse sweating
grrgyle@slrpnk.net 2 months ago
That’s gas, baby
lookitsjustin@lemmy.ca 2 months ago
Yes. In fact, it’s incredibly upsetting that you’ve brought these memories up.
Whostosay@sh.itjust.works 2 months ago
Yeah but you felt like a god emerging from the other side.
Tell me you didnt, I dare you
SkyezOpen@lemmy.world 2 months ago
I felt like the main character at the end of an action movie. I showered and went to sleep.
Abyssian@lemmy.world 2 months ago
When your diet consist of around 50% things that cause constipation and 50% things that cause diarrhea, you may need to perform The Ritual.
Those nights where any time you lay down to try to sleep the small excess heat from your abdomen pressed against the bed causes the magma-poo to expand and press against the solid shitcrete barrier blocking everything in and cause stabbing pains in your gut, and you can’t sleep but you can’t poo.
You go from the toilet to the bed time and time again. Nothing happens on the toilet and the pain recedes, but as soon as you try to lay down again it comes roaring back.
At last you accept that you will not be getting to sleep until you defeat this demon. You go to the bathroom and strip off everything before sitting on the toilet. You must bear yourself and hold nothing back in this fight.
Sometimes you notice how your cast off clothing is laying on the floor and you remember that at times like this in the past it covered certain tiles or lines on the floor but that it isn’t quite in that position right now. You adjust your clothing to into the ‘correct’ position. It has become part of The Ritual, and The Ritual must be completed.
You cross your arms and press them against your stomach trying to squeeze the poo out from the top. If you have enough of a gut you place your arms under the bulge, with the vast weight of your shameful love of pizza and Ben & Jerry’s lifted up and out for the shower head to stare at with clear but silent judgement.
You ask your God or the universe itself what you’ve done to deserve this and beg for mercy. You promise to eat better. You never want this to happen again. Ages pass. Finally a stream breaks free. The first layer of magma-poo has reached out to become a weak stream of lavashit. You push and grunt and press your arms right into your lower abdomen, the gelatinous bulk of your gut quivering in shame as the shower head stares down at you.
The flow of lavashit helps to erode the shitcrete blockage, and eventually the wall breaks and the chunks of boulder pass. The young and naive may celebrate here and try to return to bed, but the demon has a second phase so they will soon be back on the throne. The older and more knowing don’t even consider getting up. They know the night is not yet won.
Time passes before anything else seems to happen. The next layer is more shitcrete. Fortunately, this time it’s rigid inflexible nature makes it weak. Those first two layers spewing forth from the sphincter created a gap of space in the colon, and this time the remaining magmapoo layers pushing against the shitcrete layers are pushing towards that newly opened space instead of the exterior wall. Slowly, the shitcrete is defeated by it’s own rigid nature. It bulges in the center until a break forms, allowing more lavashit to erode it and assist in it’s agonizing passage.
Eventually, it is done. The demon has been cast out. All shits have been shat. You uncross your arms and remove them from under your tubby bulk. You look to the shower head and meet it’s scornful gaze with the self-assuredness of one who has just defeated a demon and won the day. It nods slightly to accede to your victory, but reminds you that you need to keep those promises you made to all of the Gods and change your diet. It warns that if you fail again, you will be back.
The Ritual concluded, you wipe up and put your bed clothes back on.
It’s the middle of the night now. You will get some sleep, but not near enough. Tomorrow will be a long day. At some point before the end of the day tomorrow you will decide you don’t feel like cooking. You’re exhausted.
You decide to order a pizza.
glitchdx@lemmy.world 2 months ago
now this is good shit
Abyssian@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Thank you. I hadn’t realized you could set a display name here to multiple words. That doesn’t seem to have a strong filter in place at all.
LodeMike@lemmy.today 2 months ago
You don’t SHOWER after that??
Abyssian@lemmy.world 2 months ago
At 3am when the alarm to get ready for work is set for 5:45? You’re lucky I wipe.
Jax@sh.itjust.works 2 months ago
but the demon has a second phase so they will soon be back on the throne.
Talking about it like it’s a fucking Dark Souls boss.
ehxor@lemmy.ca 2 months ago
Gondor calls for aid
Alvaro@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 months ago
Do people not get completely naked anyway?
justme@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 months ago
at home i can even go with it, but do you strip down completely in a public restroom?
chiliedogg@lemmy.world 2 months ago
And risk getting my clothes all dirty in the stall? Never.
You need to disrobe before you go in there.
Tiral@lemmy.world 2 months ago
You don’t?
Alvaro@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 months ago
No no, that would truly be a bad shit
ScriptSage@lemmy.zip 2 months ago
I’m lactose intolerant and love milkshakes… So yes
MrVilliam@sh.itjust.works 2 months ago
Buy lactaid tablets. They’re pretty cheap, and they work surprisingly well. In my opinion, life without cheese is not a life worth living, so in that regard, lactaid saved my life.
grrgyle@slrpnk.net 2 months ago
I used to think that, but then I went a month and I think I just killed off that part of my gut biome, because the intense cravings just… stopped
VitoRobles@lemmy.today 2 months ago
They didn’t say that they wanted to solve this issue. Maybe they like it.
boonhet@sopuli.xyz 2 months ago
Isn’t most cheese of any real age essentially lactose free anyway though? I know lactose intolerant people who can eat cheese, but not other dairy products
HertzDentalBar@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 months ago
Yea but how else is my body going to learn who’s boss? The diarrhea will continue untill morale improves.
ScriptSage@lemmy.zip 2 months ago
I’ve used them and they help sometimes but I also just forget to take them all the time lol usually if I’m chugging a large milkshake I’m having a bad enough day that I’m not thinking a few hours ahead.
Also anyone reading this: the chewable lactaid tablets will make you want to die. They are one of the most unpleasant things I’ve had in my mouth
Godort@lemmy.ca 2 months ago
When this happens, the only thing that can make you feel remotely human again is to fully shower afterwards.
Odo@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Can’t seem to upload at the moment, so… www.extrafabulouscomics.com/___56
UltraGiGaGigantic@lemmy.ml 2 months ago
Nice
Gloomy@mander.xyz 2 months ago
Not in 40 years so far. I can’t relate to a single post in this thread.
My personal hypothesis is that american food is so full of essentially toxic stuff, that having shits like described in this thread happen has become normalised and a shared cultural experience.
But since that is only anecdotal, i might be very wrong about that.
dejected_warp_core@lemmy.world 2 months ago
As far as I can tell, this may be accurate. I’ve observed that we (USA) have a taboo around discussing what happens in the bathroom. I’ve pushed back on this and, anecdotally, have uncovered that this is all too common an experience. I wound up testing myself for food allergies and sensitivities and learned that there’s a whole range of foods that my body can’t handle. As I share my situation, I find more and more people that are waking up to a similar situation.
raze2012@lemmy.world 2 months ago
I’ve observed that we (USA) have a taboo around discussing what happens in the bathroom.
Is that not normal? I don’t think most people are interested in how massive a shit I had last night unless it’s my doctor. We also have a term of “toilet humor” to suggest that jokes around it are some of the crudest, lowest brow humor possible.
re: the post: It’s rare but it’s happened a few times for some particularly bad bouts. I don’t think it was anything serious, probably just some slightly spoiled food or maybe slightly undercooked chicken.
mechoman444@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Dawg. There is no way in 40 years of life have you never taken a naked dook. No way.
I’m sure as a child it must have happened.
And before a shower, or in the middle of the night.
I’m calling bs.
LifeInMultipleChoice@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Meh I think there is just a lot of strange jokes and strange people. Unless I’m on a rush, I always remove my shirt and hang it on the shower curtain rod. I do the same when I shave/trim, or cut my hair. When I shower… I guess I just feel more comfortable in the bathroom free of such tethers.
jayands@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Currently getting ready for the post-game shower right now
BoosBeau@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Sometimes my stomach hurts so bad I get on the toilet fully clothed.
Itdidnttrickledown@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Looks like you almost made it.
farngis_mcgiles@sh.itjust.works 2 months ago
it hurts so good
P1k1e@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Naked is my preferred state
mechoman444@lemmy.world 2 months ago
I am also currently naked.
SethTaylor@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Get naked? That is extremely dangerous. I always wear a hazmat suit and have a cleanup crew ready.
Jyek@sh.itjust.works 2 months ago
I just generally prefer to poop naked. It just feels more relaxing. Also why I prefer to poop at home.
mechoman444@lemmy.world 2 months ago
But if you do take an emergency dookie at the Chevron you still get naked right?
cRazi_man@europe.pub 2 months ago
Not completely naked, but taking one leg out of the trousers to get a good spread and feet firmly on the floor is a luxury experience.
TargaryenTKE@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Normally? No. Have I? Yes. Usually that’s because of the alcohol though 😆
Crackhappy@lemmy.world 2 months ago
That’s called the shake shits and it’s the next level of constipation diarrhea.
DanceMomsSavedMe@lemmy.zip 2 months ago
Taylor Farms has entered the chat
UltraGiGaGigantic@lemmy.ml 2 months ago
Shit had left the ass.
VitoRobles@lemmy.today 2 months ago
Commence fetal position
HeHoXa@lemmy.zip 2 months ago
I see you too enjoy Taco Bell
dhtseany@lemmy.ml 2 months ago
It’s called IBS, thanks.
VitoRobles@lemmy.today 2 months ago
Or maybe i just had a big bowl of diarrhea lettuce from Taylor Farms.
antiphon@lemmy.world 2 months ago
yes.
ryan213@lemmy.ca 2 months ago
No, but I always take off my shirt a la Costanza.
M137@lemmy.world 2 months ago
This is a very American thing, same with the “fast food (mostly taco bell) that fucks you up” meme. I’m not saying anyone outside the US never experiences this, just that it seems so much more common in the US than anywhere else. I’ve asked friends about this and the fast food gut wrecking and none, independent of where they’re from other than the US, have experienced it enough to where they could relate to these memes.
I’m not surprised based on how shitty the food in the US is, both in terms of quality and ingredients that are illegal in most of the world.
Along with this is that very specific 'Murican obesity that makes peoples bodies look so different than same weight obesity anywhere else. It’s very odd.MehBlah@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Eventually.
AngryRedHerring@lemmy.world 2 months ago
This person is so close to realizing they’re lactose intolerant
smh@slrpnk.net 2 months ago
If you’re pressed for space, you can keep an emesis bag by the toilet. Mine are purple. I also keep one in the door pocket of my car.
MrSulu@lemmy.ml 2 months ago
Those sweats!
popekingjoe@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Oh yeah I’ve definitely had these moments.
Kolanaki@pawb.social 2 months ago
I also get super sweaty and start sliding around on the sest becsuse of it.
Jojowski@sopuli.xyz 2 months ago
I once had to lay down on the bathroom floor in a fetal position between rounds. Sweat was literally dripping. What a way to feel alive whilst expecting death!
ArchAengelus@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 months ago
Not an MD, but that sounds like a problem you might want a doctor to look at. My partner of many years had terrible gallstones that were fairly debilitating. When it got to its worst and she started turning yellow, a few days before she had an episode like you described.
Talk to your doctor about weird painful shits.
vrek@programming.dev 2 months ago
Only once? That’s not normal?
smh@slrpnk.net 2 months ago
Maybe a vasovagal reaction? Drink water and cross your legs while on the toilet, try not to push too hard.
I’ve definitely had it bad enough that I had to lay in a cool bath between rounds. It sucks.
Whostosay@sh.itjust.works 2 months ago
Bare minimum 33 other people have taken what I dub the “5 demon reamin’” shit
GreyEyedGhost@piefed.ca 2 months ago
Here’s a song about your troubles.