how badly could a pelican fuck me up in a fight?

Submitted ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨tilefan@lemm.ee⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.

there’s a brown pelican that hangs out on the railing of a very narrow portion of a boardwalk nearby. the only reason it makes me nervous is because it’s huge, but their nails look short, and their beaks are pointed, but curved downwards so they would have to try to bite me with that long thing instead of pecking me.

like, if a bird capable of clawing or eating my eyes out attacked my face, I’d honestly have no qualms about killing it immediately. but if I ever get attacked by a pelican, it looks like I could just kind of hold it off without having to hurt it. am I right in that?

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YottaDren@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
Ok so my experience comes from catching chickens and clawed ducks as a child, so assuming you’re a full grown adult, and this chart, the ratios are the same.

You gotta catch them from surprise, from the back, but it sounds like you’re already in the fight if shit goes down. The beak is your issue. The wings are just a distraction. Get the pelican bastard from the neck, as high as possible if you can and try to grab the legs. ChatGPT says they don’t really use their legs to fight, but worst case, start swinging it. I bet once you clamp on the beak, it’ll be hard for it to open. Like how alligators can chomp down, but have trouble opening. Once it’s subdued, it might stay freaked out for a while. You just gotta hold it until it accepts defeat.

Then take it to your mom and she’ll take the head and feathers off for dinner.

Best of luck brother.

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- kambusha@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
  You can never plan to fight a pelican. It just happens. We’ve all been there.
  
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  - tilefan@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
    it’s a long-standing tradition. all official pelican fights must be a surprise
    
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  - halfapage@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
    [deleted]
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  - NotSteve_@lemmy.ca ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    I don’t live in a place that’s even remotely hospitable for pelicans but you’re right. It just kind of happens sometimes. Like a fact of life
    
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  - RamblingPanda@lemmynsfw.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
    I haven’t. Did I miss much?
    
    I’ve been attached by geese though.
    
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- WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  What’s it going to do? Swallow you? Lmao. It can try. I don’t see how it can intentionaly hurt an actual human.
  
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EveryMuffinIsNowEncrypted@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.

I need this on a T-shirt.

Seriously, this is the best thing I have seen on the Internet in a long time. It’s like I’m in 2013 all over again. Lol.

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- tilefan@lemm.ee ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  it should be like “I’m not planning on fighting a pelican”
  
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  - EveryMuffinIsNowEncrypted@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Nah, I think this way more.
    
    `I’m not planning on fighting a pelican" comes off as “well, I’m not planning on it, but it could happen”,
    
    while I’m not planning on fighting a pelican comes off as “Statement: I do not have plans to fight a pelican.”
    
    I feel the latter would confuse people more. Lol.
    
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- fmstrat@lemmy.nowsci.com ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  I thought the exact same thing when I read the title and first line. Post of the year.
  
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- dependencyinjection@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  You could get that printer on a T-Shirt very cheap online.
  
  Probably better to pay more though as when I’ve done this with cheap ones they don’t last.
  
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  - EveryMuffinIsNowEncrypted@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Good idea, though sadly I cannot afford that at the moment.
    
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dual_sport_dork@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
Pelicans have stupid stumpy little legs, basically no talons because they have webbed ducklike feet, and are able to apply very little biting force with their beaks due to the length. Pelicans feed by scooping things up and swallowing them whole. They don’t bite, tear, or chew. I’ve never seen one try to peck anything. They’re certainly not built for that.

If you grabbed a pelican by the beak I think there is vanishingly little it could actually do to you aside from squirming and flapping feathers all over the place. You should be fairly clear to yeet the thing into the ocean at your own convenience.

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- SolarMonkey@slrpnk.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
  I left this open for a while and forgot what post I was reading when I returned, so I misread your first sentence as “politicians” rather than pelicans…
  
  And lemme tell you, that was a quality chuckle.
  
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  - burgersc12@mander.xyz ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    I’ll gladly throw a politicican beak first, just point me in the right direction!
    
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  - Danquebec@sh.itjust.works ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    I reread the post replacing “pelican” with “politician”. I haven’t laughed this much in weeks. Thank you.
    
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Ersatz86@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
Haven’t seen it mentioned here, so a word to the wise: their beaks are somewhere sharp-edged, and if we’re to grasp the beak and your hand were to slide lengthwise (towards or away from the tip), you could sustain a nasty cut.

Source: adolescent me harassing pelicans that were a lil too inquisitive about my days’ fishing catch on a dock somewhere near Cedar Key, FL.

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- tilefan@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
  good to know. was it like a bad, dirty paper cut?
  
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  - Ersatz86@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    It was precisely like a bad, dirty paper cut that stank of fish munge.
    
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- WereHacker@lemmy.ml ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Nice to hear Florida Man has a voice. You, sir are a legend :)
  
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- Rozz@lemmy.sdf.org ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Some real advice
  
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- Archer@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Hey fellow Keys guy! Grew up partly on Summerland Key
  
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djsoren19@yiffit.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
I’m gonna let everyone in on a lil secret.

You can absolutely fuck up a bird. Their bones are hollow and light, making them super kickable. Even a 4" human still has multiple feet of height over most species of bird, meaning you can wind up a solid kick and still probably send whatever beaked menace is after you flying.

Now, defending yourself from a bird attack without harming the bird attacking you? Yeah that’s really hard, because most of your immediate reactions like trying to grab or restrain it will likely result in hurting the bird.

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- Tyfud@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  The image of a 4 inch tall human towering over a bird amuses me.
  
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  - jiberish@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    And where were they now The little people of Stonehenge And what would they say to us If we were here tonight
    
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- JovialMicrobial@lemm.ee ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Except for swans… which are giant geese. Those two are very durable.
  
  At least one person has died from being attacked by a swan while kayaking.
  
  latimes.com/…/la-xpm-2012-apr-16-la-na-nn-killer-…
  
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  - Dasus@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Realistically, if that person had no regard for the bird, they could’ve just grabbed it and strung it’s neck.
    
    “Maybe he didn’t want to hurt the animal,” Hensley’s father-in-law, George Koutsogiannis, told the Sun-Times. “Maybe he didn’t fight back enough when the swan attacked him…I can’t understand how this was possible.”
    
    A single swan can’t actually physically overpower a person, but people can panic and make bad choices, especially when in water and confronted with aggressively wildlife.
    
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  - AngryCommieKender@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    I also wouldn’t fuck with Turkeys. The wild ones are smart enough to actually try to get the hell away from you. The domestic ones are the stupidest fucking animals on the planet, and unlike sheep, they are MEAN. If they think they have a chance to take you, they’ll get the whole damn flock to dogpile you till you start throwing these 20-30 pound birds.
    
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- LaunchesKayaks@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  I had an incredibly aggressiveale duck that would come after me all the time. He was big, like 20lbs at least, and I’d kick him in the chest with the side ofy foot when he came at me all angry like. His chest was the meatiest part of him, so I wasn’t worried about damaging him with kinda wimpy kicks. Bastard became soup real quickly, though. Overly aggressive birds in my flock don’t get the privilege of being pets.
  
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  - Ersatz86@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    I too have a chicken-kicking story. Posting now so’s I’ll remember to write it out later.
    
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- tilefan@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
  did you know that one of the reasons their bones are hollow is because they assist the lungs with intaking oxygen to provide all the oxygen needed for flight? it’s not just weight saving
  
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  - SolOrion@sh.itjust.works ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    TIL, that’s really neat.
    
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- corsicanguppy@lemmy.ca ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Now do Canada Goose.
  
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  - djsoren19@yiffit.net ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Canadian Geese are how I got this experience, I used to live in a town that they regularly migrated through and got into two scraps with them in my youth. They’re one of the few birds that I have zero sympathy fucking up, because both times they tried to attack me, I was just trying to quickly get through their territory with my lunch.
    
    If you’re ever attacked by one, aim for center mass and give it as much force as you can. I’ve never had geese swarm me after seeing one of their comrades get obliterated.
    
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- dragonfucker@lemmy.nz ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  What about a horse sized duck?
  
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Naz@sh.itjust.works ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
OP casually walks by pelicans and hears the Mortal Kombat music begin playing

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- RootBeerGuy@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Pelicanitiy!
  
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Jamablaya@lemmy.today ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
you’re a great ape somewhere between 150 and 300 lbs. It’s a 15 pound bird. I’m sorry but this is embarrassing.

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- nepenthes@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  As a Canadian, have you ever met a Canada goose?
  
  I feel you OP.
  
  Also, telling someone they should be embarrassed is toxic. WTF is with all the shaming on Lemmy lately? Be better.
  
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  - Jamablaya@lemmy.today ⁨4⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    no, it’s literally embarrassing. But I’m from western canada, we worry about being attacked by bear not fucking chickens.
    
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  - Jamablaya@lemmy.today ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    I’m also from the land of “Fuck Trudeau”. Canadians older than 12 scared of geese are even more embarrassing than this question.
    
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  - tilefan@lemm.ee ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    well hold on, a Canada goose can get up to 14 lb easily, the brown pelican tops out at 6.9 lb, and doesn’t have a cobra neck so your only options aren’t attack the head & neck or do nothing.
    
    like if there’s a group of kids around, I’d rather they go home with a story about how I got beaten up by a goose then the trauma of the memory of a pudgy middle-aged man smashing a goose’s head in front of them. I remember when I was like five and Animal Control had to come to my school and shoot a raccoon because they thought it had rabies, I got pretty emotional about that. heck, here I am talking about it more than 30 years later.
    
    plus if anybody records it, no matter how much anybody acknowledges they don’t want to be bitten by a goose, I’m still going to be branded a heartless goose killer and probably doxxed. there’s a lot at play here
    
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- capital@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  I’m a mediocre ape at best.
  
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- prettybunnys@sh.itjust.works ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Bears will run from dogs knowing that the fight could leave them horribly maimed.
  
  I’d run from the goose knowing that the fight would leave me horribly ashamed and embarrassed, and possibly maimed.
  
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  - lath@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Unless they’re hungry.
    
    Source: bear ate a dog near a cabin I was lodging at some years back. Hungry bears don’t give a fuck.
    
    Geese in general also don’t give a fuck. Also, they don’t fight fair. Remember to protect your gonads.
    
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- FlashMobOfOne@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Go try to eff with a goose if you think you’re so tough.
  
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  - Jamablaya@lemmy.today ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Imagine being so insulated you believe the cobra chicken bullshit.
    
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- tilefan@lemm.ee ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  oh look, Johnny No-Posts has an opinion on somebody’s question in the No Stupid Questions community. I don’t go to the Pinochet fan groups and tell you that you can’t make helicopter memes, learn some basic internet etiquette.
  
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  - Jamablaya@lemmy.today ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    God forbid anyone ever sign up for a new to them content aggregation site.
    
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  - TooPoor@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    “Johnny No-Posts” lmao
    
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RogueBanana@lemmy.zip ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Sometimes it’s really refreshing to read shit like this and take a break from all the doom posts. Thanks.

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gnu@lemmy.zip ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
I actually have wrestled a bit with a pelican and can say that if you’re prepared to take a few scratches you’ll be able to hold one down. You just have to hold the beak and wings, once you’ve got it pinned their legs are too short to really get at you.

Admittedly the pelican in question wasn’t operating at full potential (recovering from a wound) but I was in my early teens at the time so wasn’t exactly an example of peak physical performance myself.

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- RootBeerGuy@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Alright, story time. How did it come to that? Just the typical youngster “wanted to check if I can?” vibe?
  
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  - gnu@lemmy.zip ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    It was really just a matter of how to get a pelican to cooperate rather than it being aggressive or anything - they aren’t intelligent enough to figure out you aren’t going to eat them so will resist attempts be caught.
    
    Dad and my sister were coming back from town one night and saw this pelican by the side of the road moving really awkwardly, so they pulled over to check it out and found it had a punctured lung (and a somewhat wonky beak, but that had healed from a previous injury). Best guess is someone wasn’t as good with a shotgun as they thought they were - being charitable there is a chance someone figured it would struggle with the beak, either that or they were an arsehole.
    
    Anyway the pelican wasn’t up to anything much so they took it home, made up a comfy spot in a cardboard box, gave it some old painkillers, and expected to just give it an easier end than being eaten by whatever came across it that night. Next morning however when the box was opened the pelican was alive and kicking (literally) so we pinned it down and put it in part of the chook pen to recover. After a fortnight or so of hanging around eating bits of fish and scaring the daylights out of the chooks every time they saw it the pelican had healed up enough to be properly active again so we wrestled it down once more (took noticeably more effort this time) and bundled it into the car to release down at the dam.
    
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  - Ridgetop18@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Even wounded, I’m willing to believe the pelican just wanted to see if it could.
    
    They love to size things up to see if they’ll fit in their mouth lol.
    
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dubyakay@lemmy.ca ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
We were on a Zoo trip during summer camp, me and my brother and a bunch of other kids from our judo class. Mostly early teens.

Certain areas in the Zoo had free roaming animals, mostly kangaroos, emu, peacocks, some cobra chicken, goats and sheep. A couple kids had the great idea to pester the pelicans. Pelican are a funny bunch that keep begging for treats with their giant beaks open and waddling around. They look less than threatening, although they have that frowny looking eye.

Anyway the kids decided it’d be fun to take turns spitting into the beaks of one particular giant pelican instead of giving it treats. It didn’t really like it but the kids kept persisting, daring to lean in closer and closer into the pelican’s wide open beak. Finally my stupid little brother in the spur of the moment thought he’d show the other kids how it’s done. He ran up to the pelican, leaned in really close and spit the most nasty wad into its beak. At that moment the pelican turned its head sideways and

*** CLAP ***

I’ll never forget the sight of my brothers head being completely engulfed by a giant beak.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The grab only lasted for a blink of an eye. My brother didn’t even have time to realize what happened and struggle against it. He came out with a surprised and slightly scratched face. The surprise turned into a grin and then laughter within seconds.

Nevertheless, the pelican gained the respect from the kids and they’ve stopped pestering it. But somehow I imagine that this is basically the worst they can do. Give you a stereo-slap on your ears with their beak. You are safe against that brown pelican.

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- dependencyinjection@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Those people are assholes. Like I was a prick when I was younger but never to animals and doing stuff like this.
  
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- chonglibloodsport@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Just be glad your brother isn’t a pigeon or other similar sized bird. A pelican can and will swallow smaller birds whole!
  
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xmunk@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
My knowledge of cartoon physics tells me that birds are essentially immune to any damage. If you punch them in the beak it will just spin around until they, using their opposable thumbs, adjust it back into place. If you punch them in the neck you’ll just leave a temporary fist shaped aberration in their spinal cord which will quickly snap back into place. Aiming for their feet or body is futile since they’ll just instantly dodge your attack by flexing their mass dramatically out of the way and instantly counter with significant emotional damage.

It is a fight you can’t win good Sir or Madame.

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- tilefan@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
  what is it’s pelican season?
  
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  - swab148@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
    They immediately change the sign
    
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  - Kcap@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    It’s right after pony season.
    
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  - xmunk@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
    Paprika or poultry?
    
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RBWells@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Real answer?

Don’t fight the pelican. The law is on their side, for one thing.

No I don’t think you could hold it away from you without hurting it or you. No I don’t think it has any intention of harming you, unless you are a fish. Walk on by, it will either just sit there or fly away.

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- retrieval4558@mander.xyz ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Bird law in this country is not governed by reason.
  
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  - dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨4⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    lol, this is just a great sentence is a great post
    
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deafboy@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
vid.pr0gramm.com/2024/12/14/7648345e7ed04278.mp4

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- jatone@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  OP is going to get so rekt’d.
  
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luciferofastora@lemmy.zip ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Why is this comment section full of people ridiculing the question in a community called “no stupid questions”? Like, isn’t the entire point here to be able to ask questions that you worry might be stupid without being ridiculed for it?

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- pixelscript@lemm.ee ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Every dedicated “ask <xyz-style> questions” community I’ve ever participated in has had a nonzero amount of users who seem to only show up to bitch and moan that, shock! people are asking <xyz-style> questions. I don’t get it either.
  
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LovableSidekick@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Does the pelican have a gun?

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- tilefan@lemm.ee ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  idk but in this neighborhood, probably
  
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  - prettybunnys@sh.itjust.works ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Do you have ready access to a banana?
    
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theneverfox@pawb.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
I wouldn’t worry to much about pelicans. Fun fact - pelicans try to eat people sometimes. They basically try to eat every animal, because they have no sense of scale for their food they can swallow. And they don’t risk much by trying - most large animals have the same incredulous reaction we do

They are not very bright birds nor very quick ones. They are also not very agile. And as a bird, they have hollow bones and you could kill them with a solid fist to the chest… I once saw the aftermath of two shin high dogs tearing one apart. On a small balcony. There was blood everywhere… The dogs were covered in it, completely uninjured and very pleased with themselves

I wouldn’t worry, even if they have the sharp bits that could injure you, they lack the instincts to use them properly

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- tilefan@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
  there’s a video out there of one trying to eat a duck
  
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  - Diddlydee@feddit.uk ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
    And a capybara
    
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Boozilla@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
I have no idea, but I really hope some genius on Lemmy creates a simulation of this fight so we can all have a great time watching it.

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agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

how badly could a pelican fuck me up in a fight?

DISCLAIMER - I am not planning on fighting a pelican.

there’s a brown pelican that hangs out…

Poetry.

Actually, wait…

how badly could a

pelican fuck me up in

a fight? DISCLAIMER

.

I am not planning

on fighting a pelican.

There’s a brown peli-

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spankmonkey@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
Most likely the worst it would do is some light scratches and bites, but that beak tip could tear up some skin if it scrapes across the skin like a box cutter knife. Those beak tips are surprisingly sharp.

But it would all be superficial from the claws and beak. The main danger would be from bacteria and other pathogens causing infections if those wounds aren’t cleaned.

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DandomRude@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
Can you please write a review on Google or something? I would love to know how you would rate the Pelican’s performance in your upcoming battle.

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chillinit@lemmynsfw.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
It’s basically the rules of a knife fight: The primary goal is to control the weapon, in this case the talons. Both of you are definitely going to get fucked up if you try.

The birds on the boardwalk for food. The most aggressive thing it’s likely to do is to steal your food.

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Sarcasmo220@lemmy.ml ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
The best way to fight is to prevent it from happening in the first place. I would recommend carrying an air horn or whistle and use the noise to scare it off.

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mechoman444@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
I don’t know if he’d fuck you per se. But he might make sweet sweet love to you

Cue the Barry manilow

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Stamau123@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Pelicans have hollow bones. You’d be able to easily break it in half if there was a real fight.

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intensely_human@lemm.ee ⁨6⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
It depends. How exactly do you expect to find yourself up in a fight with a pelican?

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_haha_oh_wow_@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
They could scratch you up for sure, maybe poke an eye, but they’re more likely to avoid to than attack unless they’re guarding a nest or something. If they come at you, take off your jacket, an umbrella, or grab a tarp or something and open it up to catch their beak/claws and probably scare them away too.

If you happen to have something like an air horn, that would also probably scare them off.

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tpihkal@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
It’s be hard to fight what you can’t see.

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cheese_greater@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago
Bring a gun

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