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Anon has had enough

⁨517⁩ ⁨likes⁩

Submitted ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨Early_To_Risa@sh.itjust.works⁩ to ⁨greentext@sh.itjust.works⁩

https://sh.itjust.works/pictrs/image/67a81e76-d5db-4879-9efd-54b171695d8c.jpeg

source

Comments

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  • Wildmimic@anarchist.nexus ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    or, y’know, you could sit down. saves on cleaning even when you fail at handling your dick.

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    • MachineFab812@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      You apparently have no idea the dick’s talent for aiming for the crack between the seat and rim, no matter how you go about “tucking” it downwards to try to prevent just that. Even sitting, leaning so far forward your hands are on the floor, is no guarantee

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      • trxxruraxvr@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        I’m glad to learn that mine lacks that talent. I never even knew that was a thing.

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      • Wildmimic@anarchist.nexus ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        I agree that this can happen, but at least its pretty rare. Standing while peeing however makes a mess in a radius around the toilet every time. I mean, when you live alone and have no guests ever then this might not be an issue, but in every other case it’s pretty nasty.

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      • acockworkorange@mander.xyz ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Use a hand to bend it down.

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    • chicken@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      But then you risk it touching the inside parts of the toilet which is nasty

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      • rumschlumpel@feddit.org ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        clean your toilet mr long schlong

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      • Blackmist@feddit.uk ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Growers win again

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    • Ajen@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      If he chops it off he’ll have to sit down anyway, so yeah…

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  • Apytele@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    So there’s this really cool trick:

    1. Face AWAY from the toilet with the heels of your feet close to the base.

    2. Un-button/tie/velcro/zip the whole waistband (not just the fly) such that you can-

    3. Lower your entire pants to the floor.

    Now this part can be a bit tricky and does take some practice to keep your balance but

    1. Bend your knees down into a squat while leaning ever so slightly backwards (you can put a hand on a nearby solid object such as the sink or a wall to steady yourself. They also make raised seats with handles on either side if you need help with this).

    2. Situate your buttocks firmly on the seat.

    3. Separate your thighs such that you can

    4. Point your penis down between your legs towards the toilet bowl.

    5. Proceed to urinate.

    6. Hygiene is the same as peeing using other techniques.

    This technique is all but foolproof; it is almost impossible to miss the toilet bowl.

    Hope this helps!

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    • blimthepixie@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      You forgot to state that the lid should be up

      Now I’ve got piss everywhere

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      • Apytele@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        OK you have a point that I will only grant because I’m so used to finding the lid left up despite my best efforts.

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      • 404@lemmy.zip ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        And the pants, lowered all the way to the floor, are swimming in a pool of piss

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    • tigeruppercut@lemmy.zip ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Sitting can be very difficult first thing in the morning sometimes. Well, not the sitting part but the getting your dick to point down into the bowl part.

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      • falseWhite@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        On those days you lie down on the toilet in a planking position, penis pointing down into the toilet

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      • NABDad@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Some mornings, after you sit, you need to bend over until your forehead is on your feet.

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      • SkunkWorkz@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Well step 1 should be: Beat that meat into submission

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    • untorquer@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      DO NOT FUCK UP STEP 7

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      • SethTaylor@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Don’t kink shame

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    • falseWhite@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      You’re either a woman or have a small pee pee and never had your pee pee touch the inside of the toilet bowl when you try to stick it into the tiny gap between your groin and the toilet basin

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      • catnip@lemmy.zip ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        How do you poop? Do you hold your dick up?

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      • decipher_jeanne@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
        [deleted]
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    • snoons@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      You forgot the most important step:

      1. Wash your roommates hairy ass grease off the seat.

      Usually why I stand.

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  • Resonosity@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Pee sitting down, you coward

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    • Olmai@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      And close the lid before flushing, you nasties

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      • mrgoosmoos@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        see, you and I (sane, logical people), say no arguing - but I’ve seen people argue against just always putting the lid down. I don’t understand it. but they do it.

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    • dejected_warp_core@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Seriously. Why stand, miss, clean up your own piss (now or later), then repeat all that every time? Also: standing causes splashing - it NEVER all goes into the bowl.

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      • Jax@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        It’ll shock you to learn that most men don’t bother wiping after peeing, either. They just let it drip in their underwear.

        For those of you that might say it doesn’t matter — I am living proof of your error. You can wipe your dick after peeing, I know — outlandish.

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    • Valmond@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Touching that sweet cold porcelaine… Priceless.

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      • protogen420@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        just live somewhere hot

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    • hedge_lord@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Congratulations! The stream of your piss hit the rim of the toilet bowl, splattering on the seat, your balls, your legs, and some of it made it through the seat-rim gap to coat your underwear as well! I hope that you enjoy (I know I did…)!

      (if it was not connected to my nervous system I would obliterate this thing with gratuitous violence)

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  • xxce2AAb@feddit.dk ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    “Me and my dick no longer see eye to eye.”

    “…That’s probably for the best, ophthalmologically speaking.”

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    • CodingCarpenter@lemmy.ml ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Let’s reminded me of that dear penis song from Rodney Carrington

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  • problembasedperson@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    So this happens because the urethra loses moisture and welds shut and pee chooses the least-resistance path. If you can’t pee sitting ('cause it’s easier), one trick is to clamp your dick and push to pee, then release. The pressure will open the urethra wide and a beautiful, directed stream of piss will come out. Also, pull your foreskin back when peeing and clean afterwards with a dab of toilet paper. Fellating persons will thank you!

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    • UnfairUtan@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      I stopped reading at “clamp your dick”

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      • Zoomboingding@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        That trick works. Before you pee, gently squeeze the tip vertically to open up the urethra.

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      • fibojoly@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Well, if that’s too scary for you, you can always blow a bit into it to inflate the urethra.

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      • rockerface@lemmy.cafe ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        The ol’ dick clamp

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    • Allero@lemmy.today ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Thanks for a urethra lifehack! Might save me at times :D

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  • bus_factor@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Anon needs to add “pee” between the fapping and sleeping in his bedtime routine, and the leftover spunk won’t be around to do that.

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  • Klear@quokk.au ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    It gets hard sometime… 😞

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    • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Love the morning pee boner, where it seems like your dick is trying to ruin your morning

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      • birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES

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  • mrgoosmoos@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    wait until this guy sits down to pee without paying attention to how things are hanging and feels it running down his calves

    ask me how I know

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    • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Doing bottom surgery entirely to pee consistently

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      • birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        negative brain: just stand and accept fate’s golden stream pouring down your leg
        small brain: pee sitting down so you don’t piss yourself
        big brain: also watch how it’s hanging
        megabrain: cut off balls so you can see better how to aim
        gigabrain: all out bottom surgery just so you can pee in peace

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    • BigBananaDealer@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      how do you know?

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      • mrgoosmoos@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        I’ve sat down to relieve myself in the middle of the night while sick and half asleep and felt a strong warmth down the back of my legs because I pissed on myself through the gap under the toilet seat

        I ain’t afraid to admit it

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    • Lemminary@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Yup, been there. Not fun.

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  • knobpolisher@feddit.nl ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    I just piss into a wet vac Hard to miss when it sucks the pee out

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    • HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      how is space?

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  • Asidonhopo@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    I’ll pee sitting down sometimes in my own home but peeing sitting down with a penis in a public restroom is gross. Regardless of whether your dick aims at the water or the side of the bowl that’s a lot of fine spray of toilet microbiota landing on your junk and undercarriage. Better to just piss everywhere all over the seat and stay pure

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  • Soleos@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Sit the fuck down.

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    • finitebanjo@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Its good to make sitting the default, especially in a hurry, but another option available to non-catholics is to gently flex and stretch the hose to prevent sides of the urethra from being stuck together.

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      • QueenHawlSera@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Do Catholics pee differently than everyone else?

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  • VerilyFemme@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Piss after jacking off, anon.

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  • PissingIntoTheWind@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Bros jerking too much and he isn’t cleaning his tip.

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  • Kolanaki@pawb.social ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Check the meatus for lint. Somehow, there’s always fucking lint!

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  • hOrni@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    The perks of living alone. You just flush and go about your day.

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  • QueenHawlSera@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Mine got chopped off 9 years ago.

    Well inverted and made into a vagina, but the former is how most people seem to think it works.

    Do not miss the penis

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    • birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Happy slay :3 that rocks! you must be so much happier.

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      • QueenHawlSera@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        I am

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  • jia_tan@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Pee sitting down???

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  • LH0ezVT@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    With great power comes great responsibility. The ability to control comes with the burden of having to exert that control

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  • fibojoly@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    You’re supposed to pull the foreskin before pissing. Otherwise you’re just asking for it.

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  • Corkyskog@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    There is surgery that can help anon

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  • captainlezbian@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Can’t knock the solution, it does work

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  • Tetragrade@leminal.space ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    jelqd too hard

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  • Deceptichum@quokk.au ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    This sounds like a circumcised circumstance.

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    • dubyakay@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Nope.

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      • Deceptichum@quokk.au ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Never once had this issue in my entire life. Any blockage would be redirected into one stream by foreskin.

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  • affenlehrer@feddit.org ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Maybe not take a piss with a morning boner could help

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  • MachineFab812@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Reasons I unironically want FUD/STP device; Not that I’ve bothered to be pro-active about it. Even sitting to pee does not reign-in the dick’s non-sense.

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