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Anon learns a new spell

⁨634⁩ ⁨likes⁩

Submitted ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨Early_To_Risa@sh.itjust.works⁩ to ⁨greentext@sh.itjust.works⁩

https://sh.itjust.works/pictrs/image/63d0133b-f78b-4069-bdc2-cf679b09b400.jpeg

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  • Buffman@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    Image

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    • sunoc@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      “I got 57 more goddamn rounds in this 4 rounds magazine”

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      • FlihpFlorp@piefed.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        “Alakablam”

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    • JargonWagon@lemmy.world ⁨22⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Holy fucking shit, amazing. Saved and sent that to a few of my friends. Thank you for improving my day.

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  • VerilyFemme@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨20⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Ok, this has been driving me crazy for seven movies now, and I know you’re going to roll your eyes, but hear me out: Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.

    Here’s why:

    Think about how quickly the entire WWWIII (Wizarding-World War III) would have ended if all of the good guys had simply armed up with good ol’ American hot lead.

    Basilisk? Let’s see how tough it is when you shoot it with a .470 Nitro Express. Worried about its Medusa-gaze? Wear night vision goggles. The image is light-amplified and re-transmitted to your eyes. You aren’t looking at it–you’re looking at a picture of it.

    Imagine how epic the first movie would be if Harry had put a breeching charge on the bathroom wall, flash-banged the hole, and then went in wearing NVGs and a Kevlar-weave stab-vest, carrying a SPAS-12.

    And have you noticed that only Europe seems to a problem with Deatheaters? Maybe it’s because Americans have spent the last 200 years shooting deer, playing GTA: Vice City, and keeping an eye out for black helicopters over their compounds. Meanwhile, Brits have been cutting their steaks with spoons. Remember: gun-control means that Voldemort wins. God made wizards and God made muggles, but Samuel Colt made them equal.

    Now I know what you’re going to say: “But a wizard could just disarm someone with a gun!” Yeah, well they can also disarm someone with a wand (as they do many times throughout the books/movies). But which is faster: saying a spell or pulling a trigger?

    Avada Kedavra, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova.

    Imagine Harry out in the woods, wearing his invisibility cloak, carrying a .50bmg Barrett, turning Deatheaters into pink mist, scratching a lightning bolt into his rifle stock for each kill. I don’t think Madam Pomfrey has any spells that can scrape your brains off of the trees and put you back together after something like that. Voldemort’s wand may be 13.5 inches with a Phoenix-feather core, but Harry’s would be 0.50 inches with a tungsten core. Let’s see Voldy wave his at 3,000 feet per second. Better hope you have some Essence of Dittany for that sucking chest wound.

    I can see it now.…Voldemort roaring with evil laughter and boasting to Harry that he can’t be killed, since he is protected by seven Horcruxes, only to have Harry give a crooked grin, flick his cigarette butt away, and deliver what would easily be the best one-liner in the entire series:

    “Well then I guess it’s a good thing my 1911 holds 7+1.”

    And that is why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.

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    • ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨21⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago

      Heads up Harry might wanna shelve the Barrett. Idk if the .50s are having the same issues as the m22s, but www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrzR9tsg1ao

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    • WoodScientist@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Classic copypasta.

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    • Pringles@sopuli.xyz ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      God made wizards and God made muggles, but Samuel Colt made them equal.

      This had me in stitches

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      • VerilyFemme@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨18⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        It’s my favorite copypasta. I can’t believe I was the first in this thread to post it.

        How about some Essence of Dittany for that sucking chest wound?

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    • UnsavoryMollusk@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Beautiful

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    • meep_launcher@sh.itjust.works ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      IF I WENT TO HOGWARTS I WOULD USE PHYSICAL VIOLENCE

      NO MAGIC SPELLS ARE GONNA WORK ON ME

      I’D BE SNAPPING SOME WANDS SUPLEXING THE GOBLINS

      POLYJUICE POTION?

      NAH IM DRINKING CREATINE.

      WENGARDIUM LEVIOSA?

      HOW BOUT YOU SHUT THE HELL UP.

      AVADA KEDAVRA?

      AVADA THESE NUTS.

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    • uuldika@lemmy.ml ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      this is basically Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality.

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    • vaultdweller013@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Also remember mine friend 9mm kills the body .45 ACP kills the soul. By the power of John Moses Browning those horcrux bullshit aint gonna survive the invention of one of the only respectable Mormons.

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  • idunnololz@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    Image

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    • SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Image

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      • outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        The one on the right saying ‘would’ absolutely makes it.

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  • Object@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    “The more sophisticated a magic system is, the funner it is to pull out a gun”

    Snape, probably

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    • Siethron@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Sounds like something Pratchett would say

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    • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Broke: Guy with a wand

      Woke: Guy with a gun

      Bespoke: Guy with an ACME industrial magnet to reflect all the bullets back at the people firing them

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      • deathmetal27@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        Meanwhile in Warhammer

        blackmarketminiatures.net/…/wizard-with-machine-g…

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  • ohulancutash@feddit.uk ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    In the American version of the books, they changed kids hexing each other in the corridors for shooting each other, to make it more believable.

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    • javiwhite@feddit.uk ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Harry shotter and the chamber of bullets.

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      • ohulancutash@feddit.uk ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        Their calculation was American kids are too dumb to know what a philosopher is, but they can strip an AR-15 blindfold.

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      • tetris11@feddit.uk ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        Gary Hunter and the Prisoner of Alaska, man

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      • AcesFullOfKings@feddit.uk ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
        [deleted]
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  • But_my_mom_says_im_cool@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    That’s why us Latinos aren’t represented in the series. Jose el Mago would have walked up to the guy and just shanked him a bunch of times and taken his shoes

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    • WoodScientist@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Probably a good thing JKR didn’t include any Latin American wizards in the series. They probably would have ended up practicing a form of magic that was basically just Aztec blood sacrifice. No way it wouldn’t be racist as fuck.

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      • NateNate60@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        Rowling was always known to be slightly racist but people mostly dismissed it as a sort of fantastically stupid racism. As in, the “ha ha this racist stereotype is so dumb, see how ridiculous it looks when I put it in my wizard book” sort.

        I don’t think it was until she started going full TERF that people began to realise that she’s not making fun of the stereotypes; she actually thinks casual racism is a funny and cute thing to do.

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    • VitoRobles@lemmy.today ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      50 Shades of Grey was a Twilight fanfic.

      What I’m saying is, my good sir… Youre onto something magical here.

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  • ZILtoid1991@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    What about testis tortius?

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  • SugarCatDestroyer@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Sometimes I feel like these stories are just generated content or made up, like a fairy tale. Well, if they’re posted too often, maybe they are. I’ll probably pass by because I can make up a story about another anon myself.

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  • Honytawk@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    As if they didn’t have some simple hex that can protect them from physical projectiles.

    They would have been killed a long time ago by arrows.

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    • Thorry84@feddit.nl ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      I think Buffy taught us that you’d be surprised what can be killed with a shoulder fired anti-tank weapon.

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      • outhouseperilous@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        Written before these books, and yet so much more considered.

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      • icelimit@lemmy.ml ⁨23⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        Hot magnesium rounds.

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    • Agent641@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Expecto Ballbearium!

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      • absentbird@lemmy.world ⁨23⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        It wouldn’t even get through a wizard’s robes, they’re enchanted with protego charms (at least according to the books)

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    • sirico@feddit.uk ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Gotta say the words quicker than they can pull the trigger and we have mutliple sylable words try saying one of these before you can click your mouse. Arresto Momentum Protego Protego Maxima Expelliarmus Accio Stupefy

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      • Rekorse@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        Bummer jk Rowling never made sense out of dueling, or casting spells silently, or apparating sometimes is okay but mostly not. Even if she wasnt an asshole, trying to draw a logical line through the books is absurd.

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    • Auli@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Guns are a lot faster then arrows. There wouldn’t be enough reaction time.

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      • absentbird@lemmy.world ⁨23⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        In the books it explains that wizard robes have charms against physical attacks woven into the threads. They’re wearing full body bulletproof vests.

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    • drmoose@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      By that logic every attack can be protected against when clearly thats not the case.

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  • MehBlah@lemmy.world ⁨18⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Its been done look up “Harry potter and the deadly weapons.”

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  • TheFerrango@lemmings.world ⁨18⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    It’s over Miss Granger. What do you say?

    I cast ICBM

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  • Ilovethebomb@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    I’m a little bit surprised Rowling didn’t throw in something about some human technology not working in the wizarding world, like electronics and firearms. Surely this came up while the books were being written.

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    • Gullible@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      She all but stated that humanity is advancing beyond the wizarding world. There’s really no explanation beyond “wizards are actually very stupid and stagnating within their intellectually and very literally incestuous society.”

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      • davidagain@lemmy.world ⁨23⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        Mr Weasley is seen as a weird oddball for engaging in studying muggle technology. The wizarding world sees it all as a bunch of pointless nonsense that muggles have to go through just because they don’t have magic. Clever in its own way, but utterly futile.

        Why spend hundreds of people’s effort, lots of money and enormous amounts of time using a vehicle to go somewhere when you can hop in a fireplace and think about where you want to go, or simply apparate there?

        Why carry a complicated muggle weapon around and spend time and effort learning how to use it well, when you can kill someone with two words you’ve known since you were a child?

        Voldemort isn’t just protected by being a powerful wizard, he’s also protected by the bully’s standard protections of surrounding themselves with sycophants who unquestioningly support them (by ruthlessly punishing people who question their authority), having no moral hesitancy whatsoever and avoiding like the plague fair fights wherever there’s a chance they’d not win.

        So because of Voldemort’s followers who will turn up in an instant and his horcruxes, you have to be prepared to sacrifice your life to have a chance of opposing him openly, which is of course what Lily Potter did.

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    • NaibofTabr@infosec.pub ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Don’t they drive a car? and ride a train? so combustion works…

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      • zaphod@sopuli.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        For all we know the hogwarts express runs on magic and so does the car, after all it flies.

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      • reseller_pledge609@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        Pretty sure wizards are familiar with old technology like trains and cars. But like another comment said, muggles are advancing while wizards stagnate in their old ways and traditions and shit sice they keep themselves so separated.

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      • Ilovethebomb@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        Combustion, sure, but not an explosion. Or the car is a special magic car or whatever.

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    • absentbird@lemmy.world ⁨22⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      I hate JKR too, but she literally did. Wizard clothes are enchanted with protego charms which turn away any mundane attacks, and wizards really have no reason to fear muggles. During the witch trials some would allow themselves to be burned at the stake because they liked how the flames tickle. It’s very much a ‘magic must defeat magic’ setting.

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      • _core@sh.itjust.works ⁨20⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        No one thought to make magic bullets to counter protego charms?

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    • icelimit@lemmy.ml ⁨23⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Iirc it is mentioned electricity is finicky. But given that fire works, it stands to reason all chemical reactions work. Ergo firearms.

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    • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      This is just Harry Dresden novels

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      • vaultdweller013@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        Also Arcanum a CRPG by troika, there’s a newspaper you can find where someone tried to put a fire enchantment on a musket took out a city block.

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    • starchylemming@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      but she did just what you described

      I remember reading it

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      • Tuxman@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        I don’t remember which book but I also have this clear memory of a quick passage saying all the magic around them was messing up with electronics.

        Also I’m pretty sure in the Deathly Hallows they use the internet to follow Death Eaters sighting while they are in hiding

        (Been a while… and I’m not bothered enough to go check 🤣)

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  • mycodesucks@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    Obligatory

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  • SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Lil magic nerds halfway through “Avada ka-” before a 5.56 round blows out the back of their skull.

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  • mindbleach@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    Fun version: Harry Potter and the Deathly Weapons.

    Weird version: the final chapters of Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality.

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    • rumschlumpel@feddit.org ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality.

      I just downloaded the pdf. Only 2005 pages! I genuinely love it when fanfiction projects get into insane wordcounts. Let’s see if the prose is something I actually want to read for 2005 pages …

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    • Blackmist@feddit.uk ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Image

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    • Bronzebeard@lemmy.zip ⁨23⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollow-points was right there!

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  • Monster96@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    I cast Volley of Lead!

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  • lka1988@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    “I cast gun, prepare to meet god”

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    • LH0ezVT@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      I cast non-magic missile.

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      • rumschlumpel@feddit.org ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        I cast Mundane Missile.

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  • Angelusz@lemmy.world ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    If you get to the point where a gun is required, you have already lost something.

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    • vaultdweller013@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Yeah, use land mines and claymores instead far more indirect and I don’t there’s magic that can reverse being turned into chunky salsa. Also never have just a gun have multiple preferably in multiple directions so the ones using the guns can’t be taken out in one fell swoop.

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      • finitebanjo@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        TBH I think the dark wizards are better with covert ops so letting them learn about explosive devices might be a bad move.

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  • Arghblarg@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    Like this?

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  • TheBat@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    Don’t even need a gun for that.

    harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Banishing_Charm

    Carry bullets and use the spell.

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  • Tb0n3@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    youtu.be/-rOaE0ExZSA

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  • meep_launcher@sh.itjust.works ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    [images.app.goo.gl/DaXcU1gJbGnJeqb49]

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