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"Hey Google, Turn my balls off"

⁨730⁩ ⁨likes⁩

Submitted ⁨⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨Stamets@lemmy.world⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/619d582f-083d-4c2f-bba2-6b4b74da6a39.png

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Comments

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  • rockerface@lemm.ee ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Imagine opening a phishing link and suddenly your balls are taken hostage by a hacker

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    • ImplyingImplications@lemmy.ca ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      WannaCry? No, WannaCum.

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      • cuttlebughug@lemmynsfw.com ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Can still cum, just no sperm 🥲

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    • cooopsspace@infosec.pub ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      “Pay me 5 Bitcoin or I’ll give you an errection in front of the HR manager.”

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      • rockerface@lemm.ee ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Even worse

        “You are now on a per-boner subscription plan”

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      • BugleFingers@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        1: Nobody would notice regardless

        2: That’ll happen even without you

        3: :'(

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    • MeatPilot@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Future kink

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    • SeekPie@lemm.ee ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Csnnot pee anymore :(

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    • Theme@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Don’t kinkshame me

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    • kokesh@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Or someone triggers this remotely after it has been off for like 2 years. You sit on Monday morning meeting. You get up to the screen to present your new project and boom.

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  • Tolookah@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    After you get snipped, it’s potentially weeks/months before you are shooting blanks, a switch like this is less of babies/no babies and more like babies/accidental babies.

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    • ReputedlyDeplorable@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Yes here is an article about it. Article

      The relevant part. “The binary nature of the Bimek SLV might make it seem that you can switch off your potency at will, but the body will need time to flush existing sperm out of the system, as it were. The ever-helpful FAQ says that it may take up to three months, or “until about your 30th ejaculation.” Whichever comes first is a question only you can answer.”

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      • Tangent5280@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        30th ejaculation? pfft, hold my beer and watch this.

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      • FiniteBanjo@lemmy.today ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        To clarify why, it’s because sperm travels through those tubes for at least 5 days before reaching maturity and then once in position can be ejaculated by a pressure differential caused by the prostate (that bulb thing between the balls and urethra). So an effective switch with an instant effect would need to be placed before but directly adjacent to the prostate which could have potential complications when the prostate attempts to dry fire with the feed shuttered.

        The solution is clearly to add a synthetic pressure bladder. (Don’t, I’m joking).

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    • GroundedGator@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      This was my first thought. I could see this being a medical procedure in place of a vasectomy. Get switch (or something less likely to get bumped) installed and set to off. Then when you want to have kids, another procedure to turn the switch on.

      People keep looking for a quick fix for male sperm control, I didn’t think it is possible. At least not as a off and on solution that keeps coming up.

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      • iiGxC@slrpnk.net ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Maybe this plus a urethral spermicide enema?

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  • jrbaconcheese@yall.theatl.social ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    There’s a big difference between this and getting snipped. The difference is, like, vast. It’s a vast difference.

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    • kboy101222@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      More of a vase defrens I think

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      • jrbaconcheese@yall.theatl.social ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Yes, indeed, you said the funny part aloud.

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      • wolfpack86@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Angry up vote

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  • merari42@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    This, but I want the voice command changed to “Go go gadget genitalia”

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    • rob_t_firefly@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      I’d just want the Super Mario power-up/power-down sound effects.

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      • irreticent@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        And when you insert it you hear the sound effect from when he goes down into a pipe.

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    • v4ld1z@lemmy.zip ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Go go gadget dick

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    • captain_aggravated@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Can you reset any of the voice assistants to respond instead of Siri or Alexa or Bixby or whatever to “go go gadget?”

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  • nicknonya@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    i like how each tube has an individual switch. for when you only want some cum

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    • Sidyctism2@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Its so you can decide if its gonna be a boy or a girl

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    • finley@lemm.ee ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      That’s not where cum comes from

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      • Nommer@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        No that’s where the pee is stored.

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    • Daxter101@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      The breeding kink option

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  • PenisWenisGenius@lemmynsfw.com ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    I discovered this amazing life hack. If you never talk to women, you’ll never have sex with one and then you’ll never have kids.

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    • lemmytellyousomething@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      I discovered a life hack to have sex without suvh a tool without getting anyone pregnant…

      🏳️‍🌈

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      • AlligatorBlizzard@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        And I discovered a life hack to get pregnant through gay sex!

        🏳️‍⚧️

        D:

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  • doggle@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    So a toggleable vasectomy.

    Trouble is you need a several days (maybe a week or more) and/or a few ejaculations to actually be sterile after a vasectomy… So this isn’t the kind of thing that you can flip on in the moment and you’re safe.

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    • explodicle@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      I’d imagine most men would only need to actually use the switch twice in their lives anyways. So having to wait a couple weeks wouldn’t be too bad.

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    • ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Better to keep it off until you and your wife are trying for a kid than keep it on. Why have it on otherwise?

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      • FooBarrington@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Mostly for fashion reasons

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    • Noedel@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      They told me three months. In case the wires reconnect

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  • iAvicenna@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    wait till this comes with a monthly subscription

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    • Agent641@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      When Google wont give you back the API keys to the chastity electrodes

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  • neuracnu@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Hang on one second babe…

    (clap-clap)

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    • peopleproblems@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Things you don’t want tied to a clapper may include this device.

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      • ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Go to a play

        “Fuck was that even or odd?! I’ve been workin’ on this date since dinner!”

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  • pH3ra@lemmy.ml ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Remember to flip the switch back on when you need to pee

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    • RememberTheApollo_@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Not the same plumbing.

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      • pH3ra@lemmy.ml ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        knowyourmeme.com/…/pee-is-stored-in-the-balls

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      • Schorsch@feddit.org ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Contrary to common belief, pee is, in fact, stored in the balls.

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  • kokesh@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Great! Someone should write HomeAssistant integration!

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    • Gestrid@lemmy.ca ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      “Hey, Google, I’m having sex!”

      Google turns down the lights and turns on the balls.

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      • dQw4w9WgXcQ@lemm.ee ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        The stereo starts playing Yakety Sax

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  • drathvedro@lemm.ee ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    I don’t want a kill-switch. I want a turbo-button to slice metal sheets with a jet of cum.

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    • Evil_Shrubbery@lemm.ee ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      You need a button for that?

      If you are experiencing pressure issues just mitigate the issue by adding acids (via special infection cultures in the balls) to the cum, or some abrasive materials (jagged kidney/bladder stones perhaps?).

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    • i_ben_fine@lemmy.one ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      is this one of them brandnewsentences?

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  • Holzkohlen@feddit.de ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    I’d just forget which one is on and which one is off. Also I have zero need for the on setting.

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  • Klnsfw@lemmynsfw.com ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Forget the Codom and Get STIs

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    • Wilzax@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Bro forgot about committed and closed relationships

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      • Klnsfw@lemmynsfw.com ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        As a matter of fact, I’m in a committed and open relationship.

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  • todd_bonzalez@lemm.ee ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Just redirect my urethra and install a single Y-Valve. Flip the switch up and I cum out the tip, flip the switch down and I cum out my taint.

    Ultimate pull-out method.

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    • Grimy@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      You could even add a bag attachment and keep it!

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      • todd_bonzalez@lemm.ee ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        Saving up cums so I can do one huge pint-sized cum.

        Googling “What is the shelf life of cum?”

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    • bitwaba@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      I’d say “imagine having to explain to your date why you’ve got cum in your ass”, but it sounds like you already did.

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  • IzzyScissor@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    I see two casings for switches. Do you have to toggle each ball individually or something?

    Also, how do you remember which way to flip the switch? Can it get turned around?

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    • rmuk@feddit.uk ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Flip them on and off repeatedly to put them in pairing mode.

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      • IzzyScissor@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        “FUCK, I came for longer than 5 seconds. Now I have to go through the factory reset AGAIN.”

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    • randomdeadguy@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      I know, right? Do you just flip one and run at 50%?

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  • Thcdenton@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Dude imagine getting hit with a groin shot with that fucking thing in your taint

    Image

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    • LinusSexTips@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      I think I’d be more concerned if my hands were that small

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  • saigot@lemmy.ca ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Hook it up to a clapper and live life dangerously.

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  • enbyecho@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Wait won’t this turn off their brains? How will they breathe?

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  • MeatPilot@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    This seems more practical for a temporary birth control for men.

    www.planaformen.com

    Still under development, but works like a microscopic net to prevent sperm from exiting and can be dissolved later if you do decide to have kids.

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  • Kolanaki@yiffit.net ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    This is the real reason Data doesn’t tell everyone where his off switch is.

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  • abbiistabbii@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    I guarantee you the same people working to ban abortion and female contraception will go after this too.

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  • crusty@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    That’s either a very small finger or a very large dick

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  • thesporkeffect@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Id do this if you could get LED ground effects attached to the bait&tackle, good for the dramatic reveal

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  • NatakuNox@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Ya but can I have my switch installed near my taint?

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  • Evil_Shrubbery@lemm.ee ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    We all know pee is stored in the balls.

    So this is just a piss switch.

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  • Paranomaly@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Roses are red, this drink’s made from laudanum…

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  • Neato@ttrpg.network ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Who needs to turn their sperm release on and off so quickly? I understand wanting it to be easier than surgery but no one needs it so fast that you flip a switch. Deciding to have kids is a huge decision that often takes months of fucking to succeed at.

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  • MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    If this was controlled by your Google home, it would need a battery, which would need to be recharged. Imagine saying “hey Google, turn my balls off” and getting “I can’t reach that device” because you forgot to recharge your ball switch last night…

    We’re living in the future

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  • werefreeatlast@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Like others, I don’t have a use for my balls anymore. It sure would be nice to keep them around looking good though. But anyway, could I please just get the euphoria stimulus! I don’t really care for all the gooey mess.

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