Submitted 5 months ago by return2ozma@lemmy.world to [deleted]
Even with a good career and all the “adult milestones” I don’t feel like an actual adult. I feel like I’m pretending to know what I’m doing. Anyone else experience this?
No one has any idea what they’re doing.
I’m 35. I’ve got two kids. I make it up as I go along. There’s no plan, no blueprint. There’s just the day to day crap that life has for us all. I wake up, I go to work and my only real aim is to get home to my kids and partner.
41 and a total of 5 children (some step) here. Still not sure what I want to be when I grow up.
Hey, I felt like this when I had a job that I hated. I was constantly trying to figure out what I was going to do next, as if I hadn’t actually started life yet.
I was 36 when I just up and quit my job and went to trade school.
Best thing I’ve ever done. In the last 5 years I met, and married my wife, bought a big new house with her, and have actually felt like the adult I am. None of that would have happened if I never took a plunge.
Agreed. I’m 40 and I’ve reached a point where I feel like an adult. The biggest piece of that is that I understand that we’re all just making it up and figuring things out.
Imposter syndrome is also an intrinsic part of feeling like you aren’t an adult. Most of us experience this frequently - we have that feeling that everyone knows more than us and it makes us feel like we are fakes. But in reality, we just know more about ourselves and the gaps in our knowledge. We assume that they they know more than they do because we aren’t in their head and they aren’t expressing all the uncertainty and doubt hiding in there.
I think there is a pretty big difference between hearing people like you and me say “everyone is just making it up” and really internalizing that. I think internalization comes with time - you can believe something conceptually but often need to see it in practice over and over to really believe it in your bones.
There are other factors, too, which come with age and experience. Adults on the younger side are constantly running into new adult things and not knowing how to do those things is going to created this self doubt. “If I were an adult, I’d know how to do an insurance claim” or whatever. With further age, you will learn these things and have fewer of these doubts.
Copium
There is a parodox of confidence.
The people most confident in their competence tend to be the least competent in practice.
The Dunning–Kruger effect.
Self-cheerleaders tend to be morons, the most intelligent people by their nature tend to second guess their own abilities. Idiots just stroll through life taking whatever credit they can grab.
“The only thing I know is that I know nothing, and i am no quite sure that i know that.” -Socrates
"Throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart.’ -Donald Trump
See the difference? By doubting your abilities, you are in smarter company.
more people oughta read about and pay attention to philosophy shit is actually pretty interesting. if nothing else just to see how predictable the uneducated monkey brain is.
I’ve always considered the “why” to be the most important question for me.
In our society, the answer is almost always money, which is a means and not an end, and so western culture seems to be miserably grinding itself into the dirt, usually without ever looking up and asking what the deeper point is.
It’s really very tragic to me.
The problem is the way we are told to treat adults as kids.
We go all the way through school repeatedly being told that the adults have the answers, they understand everything that we don’t, they know how to tackle the things that seem to big for us, and, most importantly, they don’t make mistakes.
So now that we’re adults, even though we cognitively know by now that it was all bullshit, it’s hard to turn that training around. We make mistakes, don’t have the answers, and sometimes struggle with parts of the world that we’d expected would make sense by now. We know that the adults before us were no different, but it’s been so long that it’s hard to internalize that we, now, are just like them.
Your imposter syndrome is programmed. It’s not your fault.
I knew it was all bullshit when I learned about Santa. Been down hill ever since.
Wait. What about Santa, hes okay right?
It’s not quite the same but this line of thinking reminds me of a couple of scenes from How I Met Your Mother. Marshall tells the story of when they were travelling as a family when he was a child and his dad was this beacon of heroics who could magically see through the heavy fog. Later we get the story from his dad’s perspective who tells that he couldn’t see a thing, was terrified out of his wits but just kept on going and hoped for the best while keeping a brave face for his family. I know it’s fiction but it’s such a good little story that pulls back that curtain.
This is put very eloquently, thanks
My answer is still the same as this question was asked last time. I still feel no different than my teenage self until I meet some actual teenagers, and and there is nothing that makes me feel more like an adult than when I realize they are just kids, immature and wide-eyed, and the me of now is actually nothing like the teenage me I still think I am.
Being an adult means having grown-up responsibilities, you can no longer be the selfish, carefree child you used to be when there are people depending on you in this cruel, cynical world. Yet in spite of all this, you don’t have to give it all up, there should still be times where you can take a break from being an adult, and with the life experiences you didn’t have before, rediscover that sense of wonder, hope, and sincerity that you thought you’ve lost in a brand new light.
And that’s what Barbie was really about.
I read your last sentence. Then noticed your username 😯
I said it months ago, I’m here to shitpost and promote Barbie, and now that the strike is over, I’ve got an Oscar to win this year.
Early 50s here and no, absolutely not. I still feel like I’m an immature teen inside my head, wondering what the hell happened.
looks in the mirror
...fuck
Congratulations!
By pondering those things and asking the questions that you did, you are now officially an adult!
Nobody knows what we’re doing. And we’re all just bouncing around and slamming into experiences like a bunch of dopes.
Eventually, you’re going to bump into some folks that just sorta stick. They’re going to like some of the same things that you like and be interesting in a multitude of ways. You’re going to find that life gets a little easier when you’ve got some friends to help spread it around.
It’s life. It’s weird and serious and silly and sometimes pretty sad. Hold on tight and enjoy the ride.
That’s part of it but I think there’s a bit more than that.
Getting older I see a clear development among my acquaintances and friends. The ones I would call “real” adults, they dedicate their lives to something that gives it meaning. Some set big goals and got involved in government, some regularly volunteer, some dedicate their lives to ‘simply’ providing as best they can for their kids and family.
For me that is the mark of an adult. Not your competence or your intelligence but what drives you outside just your own desires.
It comes in bursts. Like after doing your taxes or buying a car, you think “That was totally adult of me. Now it’s time for video games!”
This sums it up nicely for me.
Im 30, have a full-time salaried job, two kids, own a house… I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing I just want to play games and touch myself.
You are not alone at all.
Same at 40
Not once in my 45 years.
Yes and No. 48.
There was never a horizon or dividing line I crossed between youth and adult. It just happened.
I’m still the same person I was when I was 10/20/30/40. Still like cool things, still confused about why we’re all here.
Other than my body getting real creaky and doing all kinds of weird old things, the only real difference between youth and adult is the realization that this very thread addresses. We’re all just making it up as we go. There’s no such thing as “adult”. There’s no Council of Super-Smart People running the world.
The only thing that makes you an adult is the realization that you have to be the change you want to see in the world. That you have to be the super-smart person running things.
Clearly you’ve not been invited to the Council, we’re adulting super hard smartly over here
That or when people assume you’re your kids grandpa. I’m only 40, just…so… tired.
Just turned 30. I have a house, a kid and a wife. I still don’t feel like an “Adult”
show-off
As far as I can tell:
age <16: “Oh boy, I can’t wait to be an adult and do whatever I want!”
age 16-19: “Look at me! I’m an adult! I’m the adultiest adult that ever adulted!! I reject all that is childish and embrace all that is totally-grown-up! Middle ground is for losers! I need everyone to know how ADULT I am and approve of it!!”
around 20-ish: “…fuck. I’m an adult. I have responsibilities. I have to do taxes. Why does everything cost money?”
25+: “I have legit no idea what being an adult is supposed to be like, but I’ll figure it out one day … I hope. Also my back hurts and I have a favorite spoon and lost the lid of 2/3 of my tupperware.”
45+: “I’m an adult. I can do whatever TF I want. Ohh you want to convince me that videogames and cartoons are “too childish” for someone my age? Go ahead and sue me, lol.”
I’m nearing that last stage and I honestly care less and less about what being an adult is supposed to be like. The world is already a shitty enough place without ruining your own fun on arbitrary grounds like stuff being “too childish for your age” or the pressure to have found your purpose in life by a random age. I stopped trying to find “my calling” or a bigger meaning in life and just enjoy the ride instead. Not everyone is predestined to achieve some groundbreaking milestone in history. Maybe my purpose in life has always been to be that weird funny uncle that cracks insufferable puns at the worst times but actually listens to problems of loved ones, no matter how trivial they may seem. Maybe just winging it without actually knowing what the end result will be … is perfectly fine. It is okay to not know everything. It is okay to have silly little hobbies. It is okay to be a bit awkward. And it is okay to feel a bit lost sometimes. Adults are just old children with a driving permit.
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
So much this!
I see myself a bit in all those stages, but i don’t think i ever really ever (temporarily) outgrew “childish” things. Always liked cartoons, always read comics, always played games, and always told those that chided me for not growing up to fuck off. Now entering my 50s, the biggest difference is that people don’t have the courage to bother me about it anymore (and in the rare occasions when they do they don’t argue back after being told off :P )
Learning to fake it is part of growing up. Eventually you forget you’re faking.
You become an adult the day you realise that what everyone else was doing all along.
Special milestone the day somebody refers to you within earshot as “that mister”, the fabled stranger-based punishment of exasperated mothers everywhere.
Teenagers have started refer to me as sir and that was it for me 😂
I make steady but friendly eye contact with anyone asking for ID from my younger dining companions. The challenge is there, are you telling me I look old enough to drink! (Im balding and completely grey on the remainder, there’s no pretending any more)
I feel like a decaying 16 year old.
I feel like a decaying 16 year old.
So much this. You don’t get old, you break down.
Your mind still thinks you’re young, and then gets rudely reminded of the truth from time to time, that reminder coming more often as you wear down more.
Wake up, Jump out of bed excited for the day.
Horrific crunching noise from your knee, and a snap from your back that sounds like an industrial 3 foot thick rubberband snapping quickly bringing you back to reality as you collapse against the foot of your bed in agony. shaky hand reaching desperately for the tylenol and bottle of water you keep on your nightstand just for this moment, before hobbling into the bathroom to take the first of several morning shits, which more horrific than the last.
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is decrepit and aged beyond usefulness.
One day you’ll feel like a decaying 30 year old 😌
Really all you have to do is hang out with some co-workers in their early 20s. Nothing makes you feel like an adult like sitting at the kids table, listening to their problems. Realizing you can’t relate.
Hard agree. Im 52 and most of my friends average about 30ish. Thing is I can relate, but due to extra time in the game of life, I have made a peace with the challenges younger people still fight with. Still the proximity of youth is a valuable perspective. I treasure my younger friends for this and many other reasons.
Still the proximity of youth is a valuable perspective. I treasure my younger friends for this
“Out of the mouth of babes” is a phrase that is usually associated with very young children speaking to adults, but really it means a younger generation talking to an older generation, and makes a lot of sense to listen to.
New perspectives and new ideas influence and help growth for all.
52 here, and I’m like you…
I was really hoping once I hit 50 the feeling would go away
The “actual adults” we were sold as children were never real.
Its not just you, everyone waking up , going to work is pretending. Thats what adult life looks like. You pretend to keep your boss happy, society happy and people around you happy.
Me (41yo) asked my dad (74yo) Me: Dad, when does that adult thing of knowing what you are doing kicks in? Dad: When I find out, I will let you know.
I’m turning 40, I have 2 kids, and my self-image hasn’t changed since high-school. I have to consciously think about it to realize that other people see an adult when looking at me. Like my first reaction when I do something “grown-up” is to woder if people are impressed by a kid acting so mature, and then I realize that I’m not a kid anymore.
Thinking I can do things, start doing it, then my body complains. Looks in the mirror, sees a 40-year-old looking back.
I suppose it depends how you think of being an adult.
No-one is going to save me. I am huddling with my family for warmth and hoping we all make it to death without disaster striking. If disaster strikes, our survival depends on us and people will be looking to me to take charge.
That sounds like adulthood to me.
Just to prove I'm an adult I like to have ice cream for dinner and leave all the windows open
Driving in the summer heat with my windows down and the AC blasting always feels like such a rebellious act.
Fuck yeah, and with whatever I want on the radio
Keep it up nobody can tell.
People glorify adulting as some kind of ultimate maturity for ones self. It is not that. Adulting is predicting what can and won’t be your life. Surviving better each day. While also keeping after yourself in a healthy manner.
We are always growing until we die. Adulting is accepting what can be and what can’t be and living with yourself.
Perceive reality as it is and accept the successes and failures along the way.
One day you will see people for what they are and are not. That day your awareness of the world will change.
I’ve noticed it has become easier to see liers as I’ve gotten older and mentally ill people.
“I’ve noticed it has become easier to see liers as I’ve gotten older and mentally ill people.”
Sometimes I wonder if we are all mentally ill. Some might say those thoughs stem from depression or such but it makes more sense to me that sanity is a spectrum where 0 and 10 are near unreachable. We make decisions that won’t help ourself, but we excuse it because we think it will make us happy at the time. Chasing happiness ultimately seems like an act outside of sanity.
I believe it is easier to see mentally ill people because I was depressed at one point and noticing the behaviors is easier. While I don’t subscribe to the “we are all mentally ill” frame of mind, I do believe that it is a good majority of humans.
I believe that chasing happiness is ultimately impossible. However, being happy with ones self and coming to terms with your reality and accepting what you can and cannot change is possible. Do not dwell on what you cannot change and change what you can.
I have noticed through my own actions and the action of others that we limit ourselves through self sabotage. If we sabotage ourselves and stop ourselves from actually failing then we already know the outcome and cannot be more discouraged than if we actually try. This is why I say accept failure and learn from it. “It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life” -Jean-Luc Picard
I started too, but then the spouse started to complain that we were acting like our lives had plateaued. So I’ve decided to stop acting my age and not grow up yet.
I don’t really feel any different in my 40s, I’ve just changed my perception of what an adult is.
I think we’re all taking the “fake it 'till you make it” approach to some extent. I know I am. There is no script to follow.
Remember that part of being an adult is (getting to decide what “adult” means](xkcd.com/150/).
Thinking of yourself as an “adult” is just a construct that was embedded into most people at a young age. When we were kids, we saw adults as these elevated beings that had transcended childhood and became something more. When you grow up, you realize you’re still the same person but with more responsibilities. It’s not the paradigm shift we thought it would be as kids, and that’s okay. I’m almost 40 and my idea of a perfect saturday is sleeping until 11am, waking up with a nice blunt, making some cheerios and watching cartoons until mid afternoon. Then spending the rest of the day playing video games or board games with friends. Adult life is just life, with extra steps.
I find all of this talk about being an adult weird. It doesn’t matter how old you are. What matters is that you can take care of yourself.
LongbottomLeaf@lemmy.nz 5 months ago
Only when I go to stand up after squatting for a time.
0110010001100010@lemmy.world 5 months ago
I’m in this comment and I don’t like it…
zzzz@lemmy.world 5 months ago
Wait, y’all can still squat?!
DJKJuicy@sh.itjust.works 5 months ago
Yep. I sneezed and now my back hurts.
Assman@sh.itjust.works 5 months ago
I weirdly like this experience. All the squeaks and cracks and static legs.
helloharu@lemmy.world 5 months ago
This. I’ve got a family, a mortgage, debt and everything else that goes with adulthood. My aching joints are the only thing that makes me feel like an adult.
sock@lemmy.world 5 months ago
i feel like an adult when people any younger than me speak
folks be making up words nowadays im like a month behind every trend but i keep it hip and classy by using the words ironically until its in my lexicon unbeknownst to me
im only 21 tho