Am I overreacting for wanting to quit driving altogether?

Submitted ⁨⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨petrichor@reddthat.com⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

Context: I’m 19 and have had my driver’s license since last summer. I was never interested in driving, but my family pressured me into signing up for driving school (they said it’s a basic skill), so I did it and got my license - somehow - despite never feeling safe or in control behind the wheel during the learning process. I haven’t driven much since then, but on the few occasions I did, I still felt out of control. Two weeks ago, I had a pretty bad car accident due to failing to yield the right of way (I struggle with multitasking). I got hit by two cars. Thankfully, my boyfriend was with me. He’s a bit older and much more confident, extroverted, brave, and uninhibited - he managed to handle the situation with the other drivers and deal with all the protocols for me because I was completely overwhelmed and just crying. Thankfully, no one was hurt, so I only got my license suspended for 60 days, a fine, and I have to pay for the damages. My dad settled all of that already. Now I don’t want to ever drive again. But my dad says it’s fine and that every driver gets into an accident at some point.

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half_built_pyramids@lemmy.world ⁨16⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
There’s some good driving sims that could help the anxiety. Safe place to practice if you live in one of the places without public transport.

New Mario kart is open world

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endeavor@sopuli.xyz ⁨55⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
Not an overreaction especially remembering how I was at first through the driving school driving lessons - a nerveous panicky wreck.

It does get better with time, you just get used to it. I’ve driven for 17 years now without an accident. The system starts making sense at one point.

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Objection@lemmy.ml ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
You’re absolutely valid and not overreacting. Unfortunately, depending on where you live, you might not have many other options - but if you can look into other modes of transportation you should.

Driving is dangerous, and not everyone is cut out for it. The great thing about public transit is that it’s much safer and less stressful, it doesn’t demand focus and attention - and that benefits drivers too, because it means fewer bad drivers will feel like they have to drive and it reduces traffic in general.

It all comes down to what the alternative is. If your alternative to driving is relying on others to drive you places, it’ll reduce your independence or be expensive (if you use rideshares). But if the alternative is biking or taking a train, then by all means go for it. There’s lots of reasons cars suck, danger, stress, insurance, gas, traffic, pollution, lots of reasons to look into other options.

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neidu3@sh.itjust.works ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
No. It’s a perfectly natural reaction.

Having said that, I think you should get back behind the wheel ASAP.

I have two friends, both of whom were in accidents. One of them pressured himself into driving again shortly after to get past the PTSD. The other didn’t. Guess which one never drove again.

When I had just gotten my driver’s license I did not feel properly safe or in control either. It’s a habitual thing: The more you drive, the better you get at it, and with time the nervousness and uncertainty fades.

You don’t Need to drive again. But I think you should face your fear and try to move past the current trauma. Simply because being able to drive is useful. After than that, of you don’t really need to drive anywhere, just don’t.
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aesthelete@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
No you’re not overreacting, but if you’re in America unfortunately you basically have to drive to be a full fledged person. Our governments do not provide you an alternative. I’d personally love to quit myself, but I’m the only driver in my household.

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- sem@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  It depends where you live in America, but you’re basically correct.
  
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IsThisAnAI@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Please get the hell off the road.

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Today@lemmy.world ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Yes. Get out on some rural roads with a friend if possible.

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- foggy@lemmy.world ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Great answer.
  
  This is otherwise kinda tough.
  
  Like, it’s okay to be afraid of things, even really important things. But you need to be aware the degree to which your life is limited by not learning these things.
  
  You don’t need to learn to swim. You don’t need to learn to drive. You don’t have to fly in a plane. Its all your perogitive.
  
  That said, if they were already afraid, co quered that fear, met their fear, now we gotta talk PTSD. As someone mentioned, driving PTSD can be very sneaky and very real. Not addressing this could literally lead to a lifetime of carsickness as a passenger.
  
  So yeah. I say saddle back up. It is scary and it can feel like you don’t have control, but that’s life. Rural roads minimize the negatives.
  
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Libra@lemmy.ml ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
It’s like anything else, it will take time to get comfortable with it. During that period you should probably focus on getting practice in out-of-the-way places where you’re less likely to be overwhelmed or distracted and can potentially cause problems. As someone who has never been able to drive and lives in country whose general opinion of public transportation is ‘Hahaha no’, not being able to drive can suck pretty bad. I’m always relying on others, beholden to their schedules, their bad planning, their poor time-management skills, etc, and the only alternative is taking a cab which gets expensive quick. Being able to drive, even if you don’t do it a lot, is a valuable skill and something you will get more comfortable with the more you do (and doing it regularly is key to build that familiarity and level of confidence.)

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sem@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
You will make your own choices based on your experience, but I would advise you to reflect on what specifically led to your accident.

I also learned to drive late (at 18) because I rode my bike everywhere and didn’t have a car anyway, and didn’t feel quite in control. I was anxious about following all the rules. But a high schooler 3 years older than me said once she realized that you basically weren’t allowed to hit anyone else, and all the other rules fall under that, driving made a lot more sense.

The 60 hours of supervised driving never felt long enough for me, and I kept trying to get practice sessions with my parents after that. I once drove some friends around somewhere and realized I wasn’t as safe as I wanted to be, so after that I didn’t drive friends around for a while until I got more skilled.

Because while I was learning to drive, I really couldn’t do other things at the same time: listen to a conversation, the radio, think about anything that hard – I had to remove distractions to focus on driving.

Much later when I had more practice, driving got to be more second nature, and I feel safe driving other people around again.

I went through this one more time when I learned how to drive standard (“stick shift”), I had to remove distractions and focus on how to drive, or I could have a lot of difficulty.

So I don’t think you should give up driving entirely, because no one starts out as a “good driver” and you may need more practice than perhaps you think you “should” need. But you should take your responsibility seriously, and figure out how to get more safe practice opportunities, and take care to remove distractions and set yourself up for success. Which might mean saying no to driving in certain situations, but yes in others, until you are more skilled.

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ysjet@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Yes, you’re overreacting.

It sounds to me like you’re hoping this is a “good enough” excuse to not have to drive, and unfortunately, you very likely live in an area where that is not an optional skill set.

Look up learned helplessness- and then decide if you want that to be you.

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- NENathaniel@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
  Almost everyone I know chooses to not learn some random common skill. Not sure it’s typically reasonable to call it “learned helplessness”
  
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- rabber@lemmy.ca ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  My ex wife refused to learn how to drive and looking up learned helplessness blew my fuckin mind
  
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splendoruranium@infosec.pub ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Driving a car and doing it regularly is the most dangerous task most anyone living in any number of western societies with service-based economies will ever undertake. There is nothing wrong with treating it accordingly - with awe, care and a healthy portion of respect and fear.
But whether the decision not to do it is a good one depends on your life circumstances. Do you live or plan on living in a big European city? Yeah, you don’t need a car in your life, good riddance. Do you live in a North American suburb or rural area? Er… not using a car is probably not an option unless you relocate.

I had a pretty bad car accident due to failing to yield the right of way (I struggle with multitasking)

Maybe I’m misunderstanding something here. It should go without saying that when one is driving, one’s attention should ideally be focused on nothing else and multitasking therefore shouldn’t be a factor.

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- petrichor@reddthat.com ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  By multitasking I meant I have difficulty doing multiple things at once - in this instance specifically I was only looking forward & forgot to check the sides before joining the traffic. I feel like if I take my eyes from what’s in front of me I lose control of the car such as when checking the sides / mirrors or dashboard.
  
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  - AA5B@lemmy.world ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    While I don’t know your situation, this is fairly common in new drivers. For most of us, experience gets us past the issue. Experience to make driving habits automatic rather than something we need to be anxious about. I watched both of my teens get much better at this over time, but I’m still very anxious about them.
    
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  - entwine413@lemm.ee ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    That’s just something that comes from experience. Eventually checking everything will be muscle memory and the anxiety will lessen.
    
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  - Flamekebab@piefed.social ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    This makes me seriously question the level of testing required to get a licence where you are. By that I mean that by the standards I'm used to you were wildly under prepared for driving on the open road and shouldn't have been put in that situation until you were ready.
    
    It took me three attempts to pass my driving test. I could actually operate a car just fine for all of them but it wasn't until the third that I was actually ready to be on the roads unsupervised. There is a lot going on and until you've built up the experience and habits to do it safely it's... A lot.
    
    I think I was also 19 when I got my licence but didn't really drive at all until I was in my mid 30s. I always lived places it simply wasn't necessary. If if stayed there then I doubt I'd have ever got a car. I find driving incredibly tedious.
    
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  - sem@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    I still remember one time as I was a new driver, I saw a friend in the other lane, and I told my parents, “look, there’s my friend!” And I looked over at her, and started accidentally turning my car into the direction I was looking.
    
    My parents quickly told me to drive straight, and I got control of the car again, but this goes to show that it IS a skill to be able to look around, at mirrors, at the blind spot, etc, without also moving the steering wheel. But you will get better at it with more practice and especially good experienced drivers or instructors helping you practice.
    
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  - Gradually_Adjusting@lemmy.world ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    My partner and I had a habit of treating merges as teamwork. Driver focuses on front, copilot looks back/sideways, and driver implicitly trusts when copilot says “go”. We were pretty slick with our merges.
    
    To equivocate, we have since relocated to a city with good enough public transit that we were able to ditch our car entirely. Life is definitely better this way.
    
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RaptorBenn@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I’d say dont drive if you arent comfortable, but not driving can be a huuuge impediment to your work and personal life, depending on your lifestyle. This also might be a good way to build your confidence overall, as it’s pretty obvious youre more anxious in general than most.

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dual_sport_dork@lemmy.world ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Former professional driver here (and current avid rider of motorcycles):

Driving absolutely isn’t for everyone. Some people can’t drive. Some people – arguably a lot more people than is currently the norm – shouldn’t. And that’s okay.

If at the end of the day you can get to where you need to go regularly without driving, go for it. Nobody should be pressuring you into driving if you are not comfortable or prepared to do so. It’s not a “basic skill.” It’s a massive privilege, and one that most of the population of the world does not have access to. And it’s also a big responsibility with the potential, as you have observed, for injury or death of yourself or others, and property damage. That’s a responsibility that has to be taken seriously and the maddening fact is that most people don’t treat it with the respect that it’s due.

If you don’t want to drive, don’t. And don’t let other people try to dictate that you should.

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- SolOrion@sh.itjust.works ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  It depends some on where you are.
  
  Where I live, driving is absolutely a basic skill. It’s just not realistic to get anywhere via any other means in a reasonable timespan. So you either have to drive or be driven basically anywhere. The scale involved isn’t kind to biking, and public transportation is nonexistent. It would take hours to get a taxi that would be egregiously expensive, uber isn’t even an option last I heard.
  
  And this is from the perspective of someone that hates driving- it stresses me out because of the exact reasons you’ve mentioned. I’m in charge of a ton or more of plastic and steel sometimes moving at 70mph, and ignoring the physics based implications, these things are fucking expensive.
  
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- scott@lemmy.org ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Another professional driver here: thank you for saying it. Makes my comment a lot shorter:
  
  In addition to what 👆 this person said, my partner does not drive for very similar reasons to why OP doesn’t. I would encourage op to try it again in a low traffic, low pressure scenario, away from your parents, and see how you feel. If you still don’t feel up to it after a few times of doing that, start looking for a place to live where driving isn’t the only way to get around.
  
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- Glide@lemmy.ca ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Based response tbh.
  
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Glide@lemmy.ca ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
While you are overreacting to the accident itself, driving is not for everyone. I strongly disagree with driving being a basic skill everyone should have. This is some North American cultural mythos created to help further push the responsibility of building decent public transit off of our lawmakers and governments.

Driving is a challenging thing to do correctly, and a not small number of people have no idea how to do it, but are on the roads anyway. While I believe you should take an accident like that with a growth mindset, the clear truth is you’ve never felt comfortable behind the wheel, and your skill set doesn’t seem to be built for that. If it’s important to you, I suspect you’d be capable of overcoming the unique challenges it presents to you, but it’s not. There are ways to live without being a driver, and things you can provide to others in exchange for them being the drivers in your life, and imo, that is fine.

Don’t quit driving because you had an accident. Decide if being able to drive matters to you, and decide how you want to live.

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- LaLuzDelSol@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I get that in a perfect society you shouldn’t need to learn to drive, but that ignores the fact that if you want to be able to function in society most people in NA need to be able to drive (unless you live in one of the handful of cities with excellent mass transit). It’s a bit like saying nobody should be forced to work for a living and then being homeless.
  
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18107@aussie.zone ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
It sounds like your driving instructor wasn’t any good. A good driving instructor will never put you in a situation that you are not ready for. They never should have allowed you to get a licence until you felt safe.

If you feel like you’re not in control then you’re right - this accident is proof of that. If you want to try driving again, I highly recommend getting a good driving instructor first - one who won’t put you in situations you can’t handle.

If you can get everywhere you need to without driving, then you can save yourself a lot of money by not paying for a car, insurance, or registration.

You always have the right to say no, and you can always say “not now”. Maybe wait a few more weeks before making a decision.

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FriendOfDeSoto@startrek.website ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
No, you’re not overreacting. You know you and you can point at serious consequences now. Keep the license valid if you can - you don’t know what life still has in store for you and you want to keep your options open. But by all means toss the keys to somebody else.

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- HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world ⁨51⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
  most US states have a State ID that is a valid alternative to a driver’s license if you really need to get the point across
  
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InfiniteHench@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
It is completely normal to not want or enjoy driving. I don’t know where you live, but there are lots of areas and cities around the world where it easily possible to never own a car thanks to public transit and other readily available methods.

In the U.S. it can be tougher, but still possible. I live in Chicago and know plenty of people who are perfectly happy not owning a car. Personally I aspire to it, but my wife is a little car brained and it’s something we work ok.

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- choco_crispies@lemmy.ml ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I think that there might be an argument that driving stress would correlate with the necessity of driving. That is, places where it is more stressful to drive have a higher frequency of available public transportation, like in a city, while places that are more relaxing to drive in tend to require having a vehicle for transportation, like rural areas.
  
  Also, there is definitely an element of PTSD that can come with being in a car accident. It can make you jumpy when riding in cars with others or driving. I have heard that many race car drivers end up quitting the sport after a bad accident. No idea how true that is but if you start driving again the jumpiness will eventually turn into a higher level of alertness which can be a good thing when operating a motor vehicle.
  
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- Nemo@midwest.social ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I’ve been carfree in Chicago for two decades, I highly recommend it. I keep my license current for emergencies and the odd once-a-year rental situation, but don’t own one. It’s cheaper and safer this way.
  
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  - HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world ⁨44⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
    my main transportation is a class 2 ebike. my city isn’t very bike friendly, but the city i live in is primarily residential roads. i can get around pretty much anywhere, even to the next city, without leaving 25mph speed limits if i want to. so i’m doing 20 and not really getting in anyone’s way.
    
    if i was in my car i’d be on different roads doing 55. i’m having a hell of a lot more fun on the bike too.
    
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LovableSidekick@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Sounds to me like you just haven’t had enough practice, given that you aren’t interested in driving and haven’t don it much. If you can find people to drive you around or don’t mind taking buses and paying for Uber etc, not driving will probably be no more than a minor inconvenience - depending on where you live and how easy it is to get around without a car. Could influence your decisions about where to live and where to work, and having appointments could occasionally suck, but again it depends on where you live.

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unexposedhazard@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Entirely depends on where you live, which country and if its rural or urban, and how good the pedestrian and bike infrastructure is there.

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RadDevon@lemmy.zip ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I moved from the city I grew up in and gave away my car on the way out. That was in 2017, and I haven’t owned a car since. I drive extremely rarely — used to rent a car for a few hours every couple of months to run this or that errand in the Pacific Northwest US. I’ve since moved to a larger city with better transit on the US east coast. I live in the center city and can’t imagine any reason I would need to drive at this point. It’s been a few years since I’ve driven a car.

How practical it is will depend heavily on your lifestyle and where you live. If you’re in most parts of the US, the default assumption is that you will drive a car, and you will be excluded from many things if you don’t. If you already live in a place that is conducive, are willing to move to a place that is, or can otherwise structure your life in such a way that doesn’t require it, you can absolutely do it. There are certainly trade-offs, but you couldn’t pay me enough money to go back to a car-centric life.

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schnurrito@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I have several family members who either don’t drive at all or have previously taken several-year-long breaks from driving.

I was significantly older than you are now when I learned to drive at all, I no longer own a car and haven’t driven in approximately 9 months.

If you are in a life situation where you do not need to drive, then it is completely your own decision and you shouldn’t listen to anyone else trying to convince you one way or the other. Most drivers overestimate their abilities; if you yourself feel driving isn’t for you, then it’s better for everyone involved (including others on the road) that you don’t drive. But you still have a long life ahead of you and it’s completely possible you’ll become more confident when some more years have passed.

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RBWells@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I don’t think you are crazy for not wanting to drive, but don’t think it’s a good idea to quit because of the accident, either. Your dad is right, everyone does get on an accident eventually. I had a very bad one that totalled my car (someone ran a stop sign) and the trauma made me a bad driver for awhile, so watch out for that. But getting back behind the wheel, overcoming your fear and becoming a competent and comfortable driver is a life skill that will help you, even if you decide that you don’t want to have a car. The life skill of getting back in the saddle after a fall (metaphorically speaking) is an even more important life skill. But driving in particular really is helpful - I mostly bike now, but being able to drive well comes in handy at least weekly.

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slamminsalmon@piefed.social ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
No, driving is fucking stressful and just a terrible experience all around.

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etchinghillside@reddthat.com ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

I’m 19 and have had my driver’s license since last summer.

Yes.

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pycorax@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Finding it hard to multitask and lacking confidence is fairly normal as a new driver. I found it helpful to have someone who’s confident in driving to accompany you while you drive until you’re confident. They’ll be able to point things out to you and warn you while you drive. It’s important that at the start they let you focus and only speak when necessary though. Gradually over time, they can speak to you more to get you used with multitasking while driving.

These things take time to get used to so don’t fret it but if course, this is only if you’re comfortable to give it a try and commit to improving.

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TheFeatureCreature@lemmy.ca ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
When you’re new to driving and not totally comfortable with it yet - most of your brainpower will be focused on controlling and handling the vehicle and taking your attention away from that to check signage is terrifying.

This goes away with practice and experience. Eventually controlling the car will become muscle memory and you can devote your brainpower to broader observation of your surroundings and signage. Start with calm back roads, quiet residential streets, and gentle intersections. Preferably an area with a mix of things like stop signs, uncontrolled intersections, hill sops, school/play zones, crosswalks, and so on.

It can be kinda fun too as you can explore neighbourhoods you’ve never been to before.

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pixeltree@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I have had a very similar experience. I still avoid driving whwnever I can. A different take on what your father said, I think a car accident is just another, fairly common, lesson in how to drive. It can be true both that almost everyone has had an accident AND that being in an accident can be traumatic and very off-putting. Your feelings are absolutely valid. Sadly, in the U.S., being able to drive is more or less required to be able to participate in pretty much anything.

Ultimately, my crash drove me to be a much more careful and aware driver, and while I still hate to drive, looking back I think being in an accident was probably inevitable for me. I don’t know where I’m going with this, I can’t give advice or anything, just wanted to share.

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ALilOff@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I think this also disappointingly in the US depends where you live, if you live in a city with easily accessible public transportation I think you’d be fine, but if it’s a more rural area I still do think it’d be difficult.

I live in a city now and sold my car 5 years ago and have been fine with taking the subway and I also work fully remote.

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spankmonkey@lemmy.world ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
It is both overreacting and a valid feeling. If you were not wanting to drive before tue accident, then the accident escalating the feeling is a valid response. People not wanting to drive is not that uncommon! I love to drive but my daughter resisted learning for the longest time and is only learning now because it is a necessary skill to have in this country if you want to visit 95% of it because of how transportation is structured.

Your father is also right that an accident is not uncommon and assuming it was low speed it shouldn’t keep you from continuing to try, although sentiment requires wanting to drive.

You can live your life relying on others to drive you around, although that approach is limiting. Keeping up the ability and confidence to continue driving in case you need to might be an important skill where you live, and that would be the only reason I would encourage you to keep at it. If public transportation, biking, or walking are feasible for most of your travel needs then not driving is a reasonable choice!

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LaLuzDelSol@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I’ve been in one car accident in my life (my fault) and it shook me up, I remember searching “how long until self driving cars.” But I got over it, next day I was back behind the wheel. As other people have said, it’s a necessary life skill for most people in North America and it does get much easier with experience and time.

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