Anon wipes his ass
Submitted 3 months ago by AbsoluteChicagoDog@lemm.ee to greentext@sh.itjust.works
https://lemm.ee/pictrs/image/7119dfb1-84ca-4a63-a162-d2fe6dfec2b0.png
Comments
Joejoebinkz1@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
kautau@lemmy.world 3 months ago
I love how Aubrey breaks before Chris says anything past his first line
Empricorn@feddit.nl 3 months ago
It’s that delay, he held the next line back. Such great comedic timing!
cRazi_man@lemm.ee 3 months ago
Parks and Rec is such a great show.
Jake_Farm@sopuli.xyz 3 months ago
Bidet.
quixotic120@lemmy.world 3 months ago
I gave up on reddit years ago but whenever someone posts about bidets it reminds me of my favorite reddit exchange
Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”
Eventually a reply came from a confused esl person asking me if I had a constipation problem because they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”
I think about that exchange more often than I should
Jake_Farm@sopuli.xyz 3 months ago
I mean a bidet would help with tight shit as well.
shades@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 months ago
they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”
¡Duce’s Loose!
<wavesPinkyAndThumbInTheShaka>
Dasus@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”
Apparently they didn’t know shit.
Agent641@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Joe Bidet?
Jake_Farm@sopuli.xyz 3 months ago
John Bidet, inventor of the bidet.
motor_spirit@lemmy.world 3 months ago
gang 🤞
Subverb@lemmy.world 3 months ago
My house has four bathrooms and three bidets. My teenage son just won’t get on board with having a clean ass.
python@programming.dev 3 months ago
Anon needs to eat more fiber
schnokobaer@feddit.org 3 months ago
Funny how there’s always a completely moot discussion about wiping techniques or bidets when the real issue with people having to wipe 20 times is almost always diet.
If you think that’s bullshit go ahead and buy a small (for testing) pack of psyllium husk, consume two table spoons a day (in water or on top of a meal) and witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.
shades@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 months ago
witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.
<afterChipotlewayComercial>
¡Not everybody’s got a Golden Asshole, Kyle!
python@programming.dev 3 months ago
Psyllium Hust tastes like dirt, try Inulin instead. It’s basically tasteless and does the exact same thing.
dohpaz42@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Honestly, being constipated has always been good for not having a messy ass. It’s being regular or having diarrhea that is messy.
FireRetardant@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Eh I find truly regular isnt that messy. Its the liquid or liquids mixed with gas that get messy. True regular just slides out, sometimes so easily there isn’t even anything visible on a sheet after the first wipe.
rambling_lunatic@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
Eventually there is blood but no shit.
Better red than bidet!
underwire212@lemm.ee 3 months ago
It’s the only way I can finger myself without it being gay
TonyTonyChopper@mander.xyz 3 months ago
If “red” rhymes with “bidet” you’re highly American
SuspiciousUser@lemmy.ml 3 months ago
Obligatory bidet comment. You don’t have to wipe like you’re trying to get peanut butter out of carpet. All shits become the same with a bidet, whether a short sticky stoagie or a hot wet mess of diarrhea.
SoleInvictus@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 months ago
You are a master of imagery.
PagPag@lemmy.world 3 months ago
You don’t have to wipe like you’re trying to get peanut butter out of carpet.
I lol’d
JackbyDev@programming.dev 3 months ago
I’m not gonna pressure wash my tush, that’s a terrible metaphor! Too much power!
SoleInvictus@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 months ago
Tl;dr: too much pressure can result in an unwelcome “deep clean”, not recommended as a surprise.
You really have to limit the pressure to the bidet. We ultimately installed a little in-line valve but raw dogged it initially. I thought I’d be fine. “It has a dial,” I thought to myself, “I just won’t crank it up all the way.” I’m an idiot.
The next time I was really sick was when it happened. I was little kid sick, the kind of sick where you’re feverish, nauseated, and delirious, barely able to function, yet still have to drag yourself through the house and half-assedly slap your arms at things until they work, just to fulfill basic functions like drinking water and using the toilet. A toilet with a bidet.
I had just finished power blasting the porcelain for the umpteenth time and I just wanted to wash it away and ooze back into bed. I gathered all my willpower to swing an unwilling appendage over and twist the knob, but I went much too far and my aim…it was perfect. Bullseye.
In martial arts, they teach you not just to strike your target, but to strike through your target. The bidet didn’t just blast my anus, it blasted through my anus. If we were at the fair, my bidet would have popped the balloon and taken home the big bear. My wife claims she heard me cry out a high-pitched “eeeep!”, but I don’t remember it. I just remember shock and confusion as I pawed at the bidet knob. The bidet had slammed its way straight to home plate and beyond, on to the “fifth base” of legend.
I ordered a valve online that day and installed it as soon as I was able. Never again, not without intent, preparation, and a safe word.
474D@lemmy.world 3 months ago
FFS get some technique. You use 3 squares folded over and do a pinch. You then use 2 squares folded for a second pinch. The last is two squares folded for a wipe, then folded again for the last clean up wipe. Yes, bidet is better but you’re gonna have to poo in a public restroom at some point. This isn’t rocket surgery, people. Get it together
elucubra@sopuli.xyz 3 months ago
Bidet is the obvious way to do it right. Japanese toilet second, but if you can-t go at home, at least use moist TP towelettes, and don-t flush them! Throw them in the waste bin!
southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
Fwiw, there are portable “bidets”
They aren’t exactly a proper bidet, they’re just bottles with a nozzle. Some of them you can’t even carry the water in it, you have to be able to access water where you’re going (so, not great for camping usually, or portajohns).
But they do a decent job for the most part. Enough to at least reduce how much wiping is needed.
CallateCoyote@lemmy.world 3 months ago
First vacation I went on after having a bidet for a couple years, I was miserable. My asshole had apparently lost its callouses and it bled and felt downright on fire for the second half of the trip. Now I never travel without my portable bidet. It does an impressively good job!
swampdownloader@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 months ago
Culo clean is a lid you put on a normal plastic bottle, great for traveling.
latenightnoir@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Now, THIS is min-maxing!
lud@lemm.ee 3 months ago
Yeah, this is simply a skill issue.
Dasus@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Our public bathrooms often have bidet showers.
Like every bathroom will have at least one stall with one. Newer gas stations will have one in each.
This isn’t rocket surgery, people
Idk man I’m a bit hungover and I didn’t even try to mentally follow your arsewipe-origami.
stiephelando@discuss.tchncs.de 3 months ago
eating fiber helps
Ibuthyr@lemmy.wtf 3 months ago
Psyllium husks are the best!
Donkter@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Why would I stop wiping? There’s still blood back there!
HawlSera@lemm.ee 3 months ago
Use a bidet, I find whenever I have a burning, the bidet does it.
The blood is likely from a popped hemroid
Kiwi_fella@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Moving to Finland was the best thing for my my butt. So clean.
recreationalcatheter@lemm.ee 3 months ago
I wipe homeopathically.
0.5 mm² gently applied at the top of my crack for a nice even dispersal.
Comment105@lemm.ee 3 months ago
I wipe homo pathetically, I’ll leave the details to your imagination.
Canonical_Warlock@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 months ago
You wipe up to the fourth knuckle?
Presently42@lemmy.ca 3 months ago
0.5 mm²of what? 0.5 MM² OF WHAT??
Starayo@lemm.ee 3 months ago
Well, in homeopathy, like cures like, so probably more shit.
ghen@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
Hot sauce?
blind3rdeye@lemm.ee 3 months ago
Bidet is the way, for sure. Butt if you don’t have access to that, and you are unfortunately enough to have a messy shit, I suggest spitting on the toilet paper (and give it an extra fold so that it doesn’t tear).
Brunbrun6766@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Hawk tuah
CallateCoyote@lemmy.world 3 months ago
A one night stand told me she does this after admiring my bidet. I found it very animalistic. Haven’t tried this method, but now that you’ve reminded me I’ll give it a go the next time I’m forced to use a public restroom.
dessalines@lemmy.ml 3 months ago
Most bathrooms have sinks, you can just wet some toilet paper if there’s no bidet.
Canonical_Warlock@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 months ago
Sure, I’ll just wave hi to the folks at the urinals as I waddle over to the sink with my shit caked ass.
latenightnoir@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Now, THIS is min-maxing!
tibi@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Obviously, a bidet is the best way to have a clean butt, but baby wipes are a good compromise when in public bathrooms, they clean much better than dry toilet paper. Or wash on the side of the bathtub.
Irelephant@lemm.ee 3 months ago
Y’all need jesus and fibre.
dohpaz42@lemmy.world 3 months ago
I wonder if OP forgot to fold the TP or use a new clean bunch and is just wiping their ass over and over with their own shit.
TheMightyCanuck@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
Anon never got a new piece of TP after the first wipe…
Just painting that starfish brown with lavish strokes
lurch@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
There seems to always be a thread about poop on 4chan
EmoDuck@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
Bro, you’re supposed to use a NEW piece to wipe each time
Jimmycrackcrack@lemmy.ml 3 months ago
So until they read about it on the internet they were leaving their butthole covered with shit all day?
OmegaLemmy@discuss.online 3 months ago
Bidets… You don’t have bidets?
finitebanjo@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Since nobody else has talked about it, blood in stool is most commonly caused by hemorrhoids which can by caused by wiping too hard but much more likey it’s due to spending too many hours sitting on hard or rough surfaces each day, and you could even have a natural disposition for hemorrhoids caused by enlarged veins and the way blood circulates throughout your legs.
Generally professional care isn’t required to resolve the issue, instead you can try spending less time sitting down, avoid bloodthinners, wash the area occasionally with cool or cold water, or sitting on an ice pack and rotating out with a hot pack. Many people have suggested dietary changes, such as eat a fucking salad for once in your life.
If it persists for longer than two or three weeks, seek professional care as it could require light surgery.
Duamerthrax@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Eat more fiber.
specterspectre@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Fiber. Truly, up your fiber intake. The only time it won’t stain and linger is when it gathers in on itself.
passiveaggressivesonar@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Wet the paper using the sink
callyral@pawb.social 3 months ago
Why use toilet paper when bidet shower exists?
stevedice@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
MetalMachine@feddit.nl 3 months ago
Real ones use bidet or a watering can first then wipe to simply dry. Much cleaner.
whome@discuss.tchncs.de 3 months ago
You need to shit some more. There is still ink in the pen.
ThePyroPython@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Bro, wash your ass. You don’t even need to get that fucking deep, just buy a shower scrubber.
Kolanaki@yiffit.net 3 months ago
Protip: You wipe after you completely finish shitting, not the entire time you’re shitting.
EmoDuck@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
I get all my wipes out at the beginning of the month, that way I don’t have to waste time later on
prettybunnys@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
Smart
Rafael@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
Thanks for the shitty tip!
Maalus@lemmy.world 3 months ago
A shitty tip is when your partner didn’t wipe before anal
Quadhammer@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Basic maintenance. Trim your asshole and put some lotion up there.
Spread your cheeks when you shit and if its bad really get up in there the first couple swipes. Also eat more fiber
echodot@feddit.uk 3 months ago
Speak for yourself. Some of us can poop in parallel.