Is it reasonable to tell a person you once loved about the fact years later?

Submitted ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨nitroemdash@lemmy.wtf⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

Feelings I had for my classmate were obviously one-sided (pretty sure of it), so I made a reasonable decision to never confess to not make things awkward. In a few years since we graduated I finally moved on, although I never loved anyone this much since.

Yet all this time I had a desire to tell her about them. I would definitely want to know if someone loved me this much ever. Would she? I don’t know. I don’t even know if she is in a relationship right now or not.

I would really want to cite some scientific study that “Over 80% of girls have their self-confidence lifted after being told they were secretly admired (p<0.05)”, but can’t find one.

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Canconda@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

although I never loved anyone this much since.

Attraction /= love. You did not love her.

Yet all this time I had a desire to tell her about them.

You have a desire to have your attraction to her validated. You are essentially cat calling her but in ultra slow motion.

I would really want to cite some scientific study that “Over 80% of girls have their self-confidence lifted after being told they were secretly admired (p<0.05)”, but can’t find one.

Ya cuz in real life it would be “over 99% of women have experienced mental anguish from being told they were secretly admired.”

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- nitroemdash@lemmy.wtf ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  
  Attraction /= love. You did not love her.
  
  I am pretty much sure my feelings fell under most common definitions of “love”. I wonder what makes you think otherwise.
  
  You have a desire to have your attraction to her validated.
  
  Maybe that is a part of it, but I also want for her to be validated. I, for instance, would be if someone told me this.
  
  Don’t insert yourself into her life, or any woman’s life for that matter, just so you can wag your attraction to her in her face.
  
  From the tone of your post, I feel like you had a pretty bad day. I’m sorry for whatever happened to you, get better soon.
  
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  - Canconda@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    
    I wonder what makes you think otherwise.
    
    Life experience. You have lot of growing up to do.
    
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  - Contramuffin@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    This person’s advice is comprehensive and correct. You need to accept it. What you’re feeling is not love. Love is something that is built up over years of being in a relationship. No relationship, no love. If what you’re feeling is as strong as you claim, then the correct word would be infatuation, or possibly obsession.
    
    You’re going to come off as extremely creepy to her. Let it go.
    
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Ozymati@lemmy.nz ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
You don’t love her. You barely know her. It’s been years, you have no idea what she thinks, what she’s done, what she would do, etc.

What you love is some ideas you have about her.

You never dated her. You never saw what she was like outside of class, at home, at work, with her friends. You don’t know if she’s honest, or cruel. You don’t know what her political beliefs are, or her religion. Would she kick a puppy? Is she an addict? Is she selfish or generous? Is she clean or slovenly? Does she have a partner? Does she have kids? Is she even hetero?

This is all aside from the fact that you’re imagining a connection that you know isn’t there. Telling her has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your own ego.

This way of thinking with the fantasy of loving someone you don’t really know and the idea that your feelings years later are important enough to barge into her life with a confession of love without even finding out who she actually is and what her circumstances are… This is a red flag that even in the incredibly unlikely event that she’s single and into you, you are not going to be good for her.

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- nitroemdash@lemmy.wtf ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  
  You don’t love her.
  
  Indeed, no longer I do.
  
  You never saw what she was like outside of class, at home, at work, with her friends.
  
  Bold of you to assume that didn’t happen just because I didn’t mention this in my concise post. We were friends, sometimes hanged out together, were guests at each other birthdays.
  
  Telling her has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your own ego.
  
  …
  
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IWW4@lemmy.zip ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
No it is weird and creepy.

The person you think you loved doesn’t even exist anymore and it is highly likely they never did.

You had a childhood crush. Leave it to the sweet memory of the past.

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- alternategait@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  
  The person you think you loved doesn’t even exist anymore and it is highly likely they never did.
  
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Windex007@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I think there are a lot of things at play here. Ultimately I don’t think you should, though.

The fact that you still want to tell them is suspicious. I think you’re not being honest with yourself. Your ulterior end game is a hope of some type of reciprocation. You haven’t moved on.

Just because (assuming it’s even true) a statistical model of a gender says “they probably would like it” is irrelevant. Would this individual like to hear it? It sounds like you don’t know. If you don’t know them well enough to anticipate how they would react, then I think it’s pretty safe to say they don’t know you well enough to receive the message “I used to love you” in a way that could ever come out as a net benefit to them.

I empathize immensely regarding your position. But as a 3rd party observer, don’t do it.

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- Uli@sopuli.xyz ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Additionally, even if there is no reciprocation expected, from their perspective, they will think this is in the hopes of reciprocation. And the more OP tries to convince them it’s not, the less convincing it will be. That kind of contact, regarding feelings from the past, just makes one instantly defensive and apprehensive about the idea that they may soon have to rebuff an advance. Which means finding any excuse to not socialize, respond to texts only minimally, don’t do anything which could feed into the idea that you are getting closer to them which could provoke an advance with underlying expectations and potentially a negative reaction upon rejection. It’s an inherently uncomfortable situation because of that underlying subtext of motive that doesn’t go away with any amount of explanation. There are many routes into so many open hearts out in the world. But this route does not lead to love, platonic or otherwise.
  
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swordgeek@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Don’t do it.

As a general rule, this is a terrible idea. If there are exceptions, it’s clear from your comments that thus is not one of them.

This entire desire is to boost your ego - to validate that your unrequited ‘love’ (crush) made her life better, because you’re such a great guy.

Lwt it go, and grow up a bit more.

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- nitroemdash@lemmy.wtf ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  
  This entire desire is to boost your ego
  
  I know it’s not, but I don’t think I have a way to prove the contrary over text correspondence, so think as you want.
  
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  - amio@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Swordgeek has a point - people will have selfish ideas, for selfish reasons. It’s just not very pleasant to have to admit, and therefore people often won’t do it, even to themselves. This makes ulterior motives a lot easier to spot when they’re not your own, and obviously something is up, here.
    
    So if, deep down inside, you happened to be hoping for some kind of self esteem boost or stroked ego… that doesn’t seem very likely. And even if it was, probably not worth bothering a former acquaintance over.
    
    Whatever you were hoping for, you seem pretty hellbent on it - you don’t need to be honest with strangers on lemmy, but might want to re-check your actual motivation here with yourself, because this is stuff that gets creepy real fast.
    
    I would really want to cite some scientific study that “Over 80% of girls have their self-confidence lifted after being told they were secretly admired (p<0.05)”, but can’t find one.
    
    You want something like this because it seems to rationalize the thing you wanted to do anyway. It is not your real reason for wanting to do it, but you’d have some kind of excuse for a thing people are lining up to tell you is a Bad Idea.
    
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Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Honestly, if this is something you really want to do, I don’t think it’s a bad idea, but you do need to be careful.

Don’t make it creepy. Don’t use the word “love”. You did not love her, you had a crush on her. Keep it simple. Keep it friendly.

Something like “Hey, (something) just reminded me of you, and I wanted to say hi. I don’t know if you ever realized it, but I had a little crush on you in school. Hope your doing well!”

No romantic poetry, no talk of love or soul mates. You just throw it out there, and let them control the narrative. If they never respond, you never follow up. If you talk as friends, then be friends. If they secretly had a crush on you this whole time and want to get together, congratulations!

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- amio@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Based on OP’s other replies it’s just trolling at this point, but if he wasn’t, everyone is so much better off by just leaving this alone. It was a weird idea from the start and every last post is another nail in the coffin for anything good coming out of this.
  
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- Danquebec@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Best answer by far, in my opinion.
  
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femtek@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
The only time I have told someone about feelings I had long ago is when we started hanging out again and they were open to reciprocate. Not an out of the blue cold call.

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- Canconda@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  To be clear, in this context NOT telling them would be the wrong decision. Very, different from OPs situation.
  
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hedders@fedia.io ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
If you're honest with yourself - really, really honest - you will see that your desire to tell them is motivated by your own vanity and desire for attention. You're doubtless imagining some big scene in which either they fall into your arms or in which you get to stride off into the sunset as some kind of noble self-sacrificing hero while they wonder what might have been. Don't fall into that trap. It's childish, and it's selfish, and it's getting into some really dodgy territory that ends with the manosphere and incels and all that. Just keep your counsel, and move on.

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- nitroemdash@lemmy.wtf ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  I’m horrified and appalled by how the community perceived my intentions; at large, judging by the number of votes on comments in the conversation below, placing no doubt in them being nothing more than sick and twisted desire for attention.
  
  The formula as I see it in my head is quite simple. I would want to hear this said to me; it would make my day; wouldn’t they want to hear it just as much? I waited for long enough that no special feelings are currently present.
  
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  - mojofrododojo@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    
    I would want to hear this said to me; it would make my day;
    
    then tell yourself and leave the other person to their fucking life.
    
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  - hedders@fedia.io ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    
    I'm horrified and appalled by how the community perceived my intentions; at large, judging by the number of votes on comments in the conversation below, placing no doubt in them being nothing more than sick and twisted desire for attention
    
    You might want to think about that a bit.
    
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HobbitFoot@thelemmy.club ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
No

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MojoMcJojo@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Right now it’s weighing on you. When you tell them you are taking the weight off of you and giving it to them to carry.

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DudeImMacGyver@kbin.earth ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
You seem young and infatuated, probably not a good idea either way though.

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Hacksaw@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
“I used to have a big crush on you” totally legit, playful, good way to see if she was ever into you.

“I used to love you” that’s weird. If you’re still friends don’t you still love her at least platonicly? The explanations you’ve been giving in this thread can only make the situation more strange and more awkward. Love means a lot of things to a lot of people so it’s a weird word to use in the past tense about a friend you used to also be attracted to.

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colourlessidea@sopuli.xyz ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Tell her the day after you no longer feel the need to

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Dookieman12@piefed.social ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I’ve seen it go both ways. Some reveal feelings they also had. Some are creeped out and let it put a whole different perspective on your whole history together. If you decide to tell them, start by saying that your feelings are in the past and that you don’t expect anything to happen, you just felt you needed to share.

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- adespoton@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  The problem with sharing now is it comes off as insincere — why, after all this time, is NOW suddenly the time to share?
  
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  - AskewLord@piefed.social ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    because you’re stupid and you still cling to this memory as a deep truth, rather than a childish crush.
    
    A lot of folks are like this. They would rather live in a idealized memory and cherish it rather than realize how dumb it is to do that.
    
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meris@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Not a good idea imo. I’ve never heard of any girl/woman reacting positively to such situation. I myself and many of my female friends experienced it before - even if we managed to be polite and just laugh it off, privately we agreed it was uncomfortable, sad and rather pathetic, some of us plainly admitted it’s creepy, gives off stalker vibes.

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- PapaSkwat@lemmy.today ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Out of curiosity I read OP’s post out to my gf. She asked if he was an incel. LMAO
  
  I’m not saying he is one, but yeah, there is no way this is a good thing for OP to try and do.
  
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AskewLord@piefed.social ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Entirely depends on if the person is chill and can laugh at it or if they will freak the fuck out and never talk to you again.

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Miller@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
The bus you avoided yesterday you do not throw yourself under today.

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- nitroemdash@lemmy.wtf ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Nah, she was a awesome person.
  
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  - Miller@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Maybe you are the bus.
    
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shittydwarf@piefed.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Personally I wouldn’t drop a love bomb on anyone out of the blue. But if you’re feeling the urge to reconnect why not try something less intense, like “Hey dreamgirl you just randomly crossed my mind, I used to have such a crush on you back in the day, what’s going on in your world?”

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PapaSkwat@lemmy.today ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
No.

Dude, let’s be real here. You’re wanting to say this to in the secret hopes that something good will come out of her knowing you liked her.

She doesn’t share the same feelings for you, and never did. Move on. Doing stuff like this, are the cringe things that annoy women. Just move on. This isn’t high school and you don’t have to continue being the awkward high school dude. She’s not the one for you.

Focus on finding the right person for you and stop tripping over stuff that’s in your rearview mirror.

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- nitroemdash@lemmy.wtf ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  
  And for the love of everything holy and unholy, stop doing awkward shit like this! Your post is cringe enough, but hey, at least you are thinking before you do it. But your posts, are making me think you haven’t changed at all.
  
  You mean comments?
  
  Changed compared to what anchor point?
  
  I read your post out to my gf just now, and she rolled her eyes and said, “Oh god, one of those guys. Is he an incel?” Then laughed.
  
  May I ask what exact part of my post lead to her suspecting I was one (apparently in modern definition)?
  
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  - PapaSkwat@lemmy.today ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    
    You mean comments?
    
    Yes, I meant your replies in this thread. I have not idea what your post history is and no desire or reason to look it up.
    
    May I ask what exact part of my post lead to her suspecting I was one
    
    Just the way you are replying to everything and being overly analytical on everything. You seem to be trying to attack this problem like a programmer who is programming something. Dude, real life ain’t like that.
    
    I’m sure you already know some of the issues with your personality when it comes to things like this. And I’m sure you have noticed how many of your replies have been downvoted.
    
    You are totally free to do what you want. But many here are giving you good advice based on their more rounded life experience. Yeah, you can go and say it all assumptions, we’re wrong, we don’t get you, we don’t know you, etc.
    
    How much dating experience do you have? I have dated a lot, and I am not a great looking guy. So I have had to depend on my personality to date. And the way your personality comes across in this thread, isn’t one I have ever seen be overly successful when it comes to relationships or social interaction.
    
    But you are right about the fact that we don’t REALLY know you. So let ur freak flag fly and do what you want. You asked for advice, but there is no law that says you have to follow it! :)
    
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yesman@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
You can’t do love by yourself. What you experienced may seem profound, but it can’t be anything but myopic because it’s all in your imagination. This is like falling in love with a fictional character or a celebrity.

It’s the difference between sex and masturbation.

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FearMeAndDecay@literature.cafe ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Why do you want to tell her after all this time? Do you still talk/hang out? What kind of response do you expect or want from her if you do tell her?

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CultLeader4Hire@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I had this happened to me, I was incredibly uncomfortable and immediately blocked him and never spoke to him again. It was creepy, kind of scary, like bro you LOVED me without my input? Biggest red flag I could imagine, it felt super unsafe. It immediately ended any potential friendship etc.

You’re doing it for you not for her and that’s absolutely not love, it’s probably mental illness

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- nitroemdash@lemmy.wtf ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Ghosting someone is never an ethical choice and you know it, but I guess the level of “creepiness” depends on wording.
  
  like bro you LOVED me without my input?
  
  Isn’t that… The backbone of all classical literature?
  
  You’re doing it for you not for her and that’s absolutely not love, it’s probably mental illness
  
  My thought process was explained in full and honestly. You have a right to suspect me lying, but why would I?
  
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DarrinBrunner@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I’m 60. I’ve been around the block more than a few times.

No, you haven’t “moved on”, you’re in here asking about her. That’s not moving on.

Let it go, find someone now, stop pining over past attractions. You’re just wasting your time.

In my experience, this sort of thing never works out the way you hope. Assuming she remembers you, she’ll be polite but confused and possibly dismissive. This is the best you’ll get. It’s not worth the effort, and it might be a blow to your ego, since you’re even considering this.

Find someone new, here, and now. Leave the past in the past. There are plenty of girls out there, go practice on them. Failure is how you learn, don’t be afraid of failing, failing is good, failing is fun, don’t take it personally, just move on to the next adventure. Yes, I said “failing is fun”, it really is if you look at it the right way. Would you only play basketball if every shot was guaranteed? Do you play games on god mode? Winning every time is boring, you know that. So, get out there and fail, and have fun doing it.

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kilgore_trout@feddit.it ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I did it; it was appreciated.

Someone else did it with me; I appreciated.

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phoenixz@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Meh, why not? It shouldn’t be a big deal, not for her or you, its in the past

I was in love with you, if anything, should he a nice little tid bit to know

Its better than “I hated you”

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justaman123@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I did once she was pretty cool about it, not entirely sure how one-sided it was but I never made a move. She didn’t reciprocate

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RBWells@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I feel like if you are still friends, saying “ooh I had such a crush on you when we were younger” is ok, I’ve been on the receiving end of that and it was flattering and surprising because I absolutely did not feel attractive when young. And it was not threatening because he was in a happy relationship. Since you are so out of touch with her you don’t even know if she’s in a relationship, no, I would find that weird.

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- nitroemdash@lemmy.wtf ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  We send each other birthday congratulations. I was planning to attach this information to one of them.
  
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FartsWithAnAccent@fedia.io ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
It kinda depends but the answer in most cases is no: Err on the side of caution and say nothing unless she expresses interest and you feel the same way now. Then it might be OK to admit you had a crush on her back in the day.

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