Submitted 1 day ago by relation_anon4238@thelemmy.club to [deleted]
Like, seriously, I have had a few people talk about how my fiancé wasn’t conventionally attractive, but he’s attractive to me :)
Plus, he’s good to me, and I don’t date for looks. I’ve had conventionally attractive exes too who have been horrible people, so…
These comments are crazy lol.
The idea of “shallowness” is stupid. It’s a normal part of human attraction to prefer people that are visually attractive, so it’s unusual when people ignore that and take conventionally unattractive partners.
It’s similar to having a partner who’s kind of an asshole. Why would you do that? Cuz they’re hot? It’s just as odd and one-sided in the reverse.
Now, if you just find conventionally unattractive people to be attractive, then that’s another story – that would show that you’re not making excuses for ignoring basic elements of human attraction.
Also, if you truly don’t value physical attractiveness to the degree that other people do, and are not just saying that to cope with having a less beautiful partner, then that’s totally fair. People are just commenting on it because for most people, physical beauty is a core part of attraction, and ignoring that fact is a big sign of denial and deeper unhappiness. But if that doesn’t apply to you, then rock on.
Thank you so much!! Attractiveness truly doesn’t matter to me. (I mean, it does to an extent, if they’re covered in oozing sores like someone said, I would care.) But I do find him attractive physically and personalitywise!!
To me, he looks like your typical young man and my perfect fiancé ❤️.
That’s wonderful, I’m happy for you. I hope you ignore the haters :)
Apparently you meet very shallow people.
My dad included 😭
My mom and sister used to say my husband looks like he just got released from Auschwitz so I feel you 🫠
Maybe it’s because your dad wants you to get a perfect person. Someone who is nice and loving and interesting and attractive and successful and rich and a good cook and volunteers and whatnot. My guess is not that they would prefer you to have someone handsome and unloving instead, but someone who is both handsome and loving. Because to them, you’re perfect. So they want you to have the (what they assume would be) perfect match. Most of this is probably not an active thought process but just some subconscious thinking.
Oh goddddd the dad thinks his kid needs to chase hotter dudessss I’m gonna die
Set boundaries with your parents please. It’s not ok for them to disparage your future spouse.
Or just honest, open ones.
Nothing irks me more than the “sharing your unasked for opinion at any time is just telling the truth” crowd. Come on. You must know the difference between honesty and integrity for the sake of good communication and being insensitive because it’s “the truth.” You’re not being honest, regardless of the truth of your beliefs, you’re being a dick if you tell someone they’re not attractive without being asked.
If someone asks, “Am I attractive,” not fishing for compliments but asking for an opinion, you wouldn’t be a dick for saying “I wouldn’t describe you as conventionally attractive,” or “you aren’t my type, so not to me.” You would still be a dick for saying either of those things to someone who didn’t ask, or delivering your answer in an inconsiderate manner. Truth doesn’t make your words right. You can be correct and still very wrong.
Honesty is telling the truth to people. Openness is feeling free to express yourself. Empathy is considering other people’s perspectives and taking their feelings into account. People should practice the last one before impulsively acting based on the first 2. It’s called being an adult member of society.
My friend is blunt, my dad is rude
Being shallow and being honest are not mutually exclusive. At all.
You don’t have to explain if you’re attracted to your partner or not. Some people are assholes who can’t be happy unless others are unhappy. Personally I would tell them to fuck off and just not talk to them anymore.
There are people who dress for comfort or the weather, and others dress to impress.
You can drive a car that’ll get you there, or you can drive one that makes people jealous.
The people who are concerned with how attractive their partner is to others, are the same people that are worried about how others view their material possessions.
i’m pretty sure no one is jealous of the car that doesn’t get there no matter how pretty it is
Then why do so many of my neighbors display broken down cars in their front lawns?
Checkmate, atheists!
I can’t imagine caring that a happy family member or friend’s partner is less conventionally attractive, much less saying that to them!
You need to meet and surround yourself with less horrible people.
Tell them that they’re ugly and that their partner is ugly. Don’t expand on it, don’t debate, just leave them at that. I’ve found that doing that really fucks with people. That, smiling, and staring at their foreheads, though not altogether because then you look like a jackass. It needs to be subtle and honest.
These words are in English, but the sentiment is so foreign to me I can’t seem to comprehend it.
…might be fried from work and classwork, tho.
Try to get some rest, friend, you’ll be all better in the morning. One step at a time, it’s gonna be alright.
Generally a good thing to be attracted to the person you’re fucking
He’s very attractive to me and his personality is great!
Aggressive lmao
Better to be attracted by the person you love. In most cases men will fuck anything given the opportunity and they sure as hell don’t care about aesthetics when in that situation.
Nope, just not true.
Sexuality is heavily tied to aesthetic attraction, in most men too.
Respectfully going to disagree with you. I’m sure there exist both men and also women who will do this, but by no means is this the norm.
You can be attracted to someone who isn’t “attractive”. Many people are.
Many people are themselves not particularly attractive, so this is may be a matter of realistic expectations.
It’s only interesting when there’s a large disparity in attractiveness which is generally anomalous. I think “many” falling into this category is probably an overstatement.
I see what you did there
I, too, am in a mixed attractiveness relationship. Though I’m on the opposite side as you. All I can say is if my wife was receiving those comments, she did not show it. After all these years I think her family and friends accept me.
But in all seriousness, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you are happy, then that’s all that matters.
It’s been said before, but I’ll repeat it: some people are shallow.
I’m pretty sure that it boils down to successful procreation genetics. As in, the more attractive you are the bigger the selection of mates you have access to. It’s been happening for as long as life has existed here.
No doubt this has across history been heavily distorted by culture, art and religion and in more recent times by fashion, marketing, advertising and media.
Please don’t believe literally anything you read that references procreation genetics. It turns out, humans are complicated, wars happen, some people value people for their feet more than their faces… there’s literally no data that’s concrete enough to be valuable enough, and anyone telling you otherwise is doing so either because they’re lying to themselves, to you, or selling something.
Source: having read quite a lot of it over my many years on this earth, and watching it be destroyed time and again. Hell, I could write a paper arguing that people typically choose mates based on their appearance, their intelligence, their height, their income, their geography, their history of family trauma, their interests, their smell… And find documentation of various dubiousness to support each argument.
Two gay men can’t make a da baby, and the gays can be very into their looks and physical attraction.
Speaking from experience as a gay man
I encourage them to continue trying. For science.
I’m guessing that being gay doesn’t turn off the part that’s looking for a beautiful mate.
Lots of people care only about status. If someone is better looking then that means to them that other people will see that they have won.
They would rather have someone they can show off at a party than a person who is actually compatible with them.
Because some people are just shallow.
The only time I’ve ever cared about someone’s appearance, is if they are covered in festering boils or oozing sores. Because that shit looks contagious.
Exactly! And my fiancé has neither
I seriously don’t know anyone who thinks that way, I’m sorry you have to deal with those sort of people.
The majority of people I have met only care that you are happy and the rest I ignore.
It’s ok 🫂
I agree with you.
Well for what its worth, if you’re happy I’m happy.
And if you aren’t happy you can talk to me even though I have no idea what I can do to help.
People notice things that they are self-conscious about. Not even that they’re necessarily insecure about it, but when you think about something a lot, you tend to notice it in other people as well.
So I’d say it’s because your friends and family think a lot about their own appearances. Likely because they’re insecure about their own appearances.
It’s a universal people red flag and automatic -500 karma. Only pitiful fools date for looks.
What do you mean by date for looks? I’d wager almost everyone thinks they date for more than just looks.
It’s called “vanity”.
I mean, did they talk about how he wasnt conventionally attractive or did they care about it?
Are they saying, “old ugly bob is coming by for dinner tonight, make sure to put out an extra setting”, or are they saying “don’t date bob because he’s old and ugly”?
“Ew, he’s ugly/He’s ugly, you can do better.”
Like, my blunt uncle might make a joke about a boyfriend being ugly and cracking a mirror or something, but he would never, ever, say something like ‘you can do better’ or ‘ew’.
There’s a line between being open and honest about someone’s attractiveness, and being cruel and a bad judge of character.
Yeah, those sound like crappy people that you’re talking to.
These people you are talk to are shallow and immature. As far as those people you have to choose from to talk to, you can do better.
I need to feel some level of attraction for it to work, but i try not to care about what others think. I also find that people i like/love grow more attractive over time.
My criteria for dating: someone I can snuggle at night after a long day. Ideally with cold feet and warm torso so I can choose my temperature.
some only care about money, and think they can be stay at home moms forever.
Everyone’s definition of attractive is different, but typically everyone wants their partner to be both loving and attractive. It’s the “full package.”
So they care because they want you to have both, they want the best for you. So long as you find him attractive, that should be good enough.
They probably watched too many Disney movies.
People care about that? Not in my life is that an issue
Randomgal@lemmy.ca 8 hours ago
You’re getting a lot of answers from chronic singles on this thread.
The answer is: It depends on where you are in life and what you needs as a person.
Generally you value different things in a partner as you grow older. A loving, caring, responsible person may be less appealing if you don’t live with them and share no responsibilities and instead are looking for fun and trouble, so you can prioritize other things you like.
As you grow older, you expect different things and reorganize your priorities. You might be more concerned about someone’s personality if you want then to raise your child, than if you want them to get you Molly and fuck.