Bruh just find a group activity - fuck I don’t know, instead of paying $30 for a beer, take a painting class or something…
Anon gives up dating apps
Submitted 1 month ago by Early_To_Risa@sh.itjust.works to greentext@sh.itjust.works
https://sh.itjust.works/pictrs/image/076c579c-4a79-4af6-8e33-1cb380d50328.jpeg
Comments
ton618@lemm.ee 1 month ago
Brkdncr@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Just did a class and I was the only guy in it.
It was a welding class.
ArbitraryValue@sh.itjust.works 1 month ago
It’s funny because when I was growing up my dad gave me a hard time because I wasn’t very manly, but it turns out that all the stuff I like is as manly as things get, in the sense that very few women have any interest in it. Too bad I’m not gay. It’s not PC to say this, but I think I would have been happier if I was.
Nurse_Robot@lemmy.world 1 month ago
… Have you gone to a painting class? It’s only couples
ton618@lemm.ee 1 month ago
I’m not your mother, be creative and come up with a better idea 🤝
JackbyDev@programming.dev 1 month ago
Hey, my wife and I noticed you from across the canvas and just really like your vibe.
Arbiter@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Bro, I’m sure one of them want a third.
TheBrideWoreCrimson@sopuli.xyz 1 month ago
Church events work fine, too. My buddy and me went to one in a damp basement and it was about 30 people. 100% women. Average age about 22 I guess. All were dancing. They all immediately started staring at us as if we’re edible. Within the hour, my buddy met what would soon become his GF, and I was approached by this amazing girl. We went on a string of remarkable dates.
The kicker: It was a Christian event, but the girls we hooked up with were Buddhist and atheist, respectively.Rolando@lemmy.world 1 month ago
ikr a lot of people go to Church events for “safer” socializing, even if they only attend the services on Christmas and Easter if that. If you’re Catholic or Orthodox, it’s more like a cultural thing. (this may vary by area. Also it’s not really safer, but your grandmother will say it is.)
Banichan@dormi.zone 1 month ago
Lame
fibojoly@sh.itjust.works 1 month ago
Ireland is the only place where pubs are actual genuine places to meet and chat with strangers. And even then it can be difficult. Came back to France after 13 years and I was just flabbergasted at the difference. Everyone is out with their little group and no one seems to talk with anyone outside that little sphere. Only spot where it’s socially acceptable to engage strangers is the counter itself and that’s about it; and if you do it feels like you’re a freak, honestly. I tried a few times to just meet people that way, and gave up.
Only way that worked for me was joining a hobby or sport or some other group like that. Volleyball got me a job within like two weeks of joining! Couchsurfing got me great friends, girlfriends and eventually my wife.
TexMexBazooka@lemm.ee 1 month ago
Idk, I’ve made lots of friends at bars and pubs in the US
fibojoly@sh.itjust.works 1 month ago
That’s good to hear!
Wandering_jaguar@lemmy.world 1 month ago
America in general has become just a hostile place to live and interact in. I think people really underestimate how detrimental to ones mental health living in a country that allows people to own guns is and it’s a rl big tragedy. I think it’s the biggest difference between u.s and other countries and it shows culturally. If we got rid of all guns in the U.S. we would probably win the world cup and no one would even come close.
Letstakealook@lemm.ee 1 month ago
To be clear… you’re afraid to talk to people because guns exist? If this is true, you may need to speak to someone about this professionally.
TherapyGary@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 month ago
Are you competing for the Olympic long jump? Because that’s quite a leap, holy shit. What do guns have to do with it? I understand you may have some preoccupations about it that interfere in this way, but most people don’t
UltraGiGaGigantic@lemmy.ml 1 month ago
I remember when the insurrection happened I thought liberals could no longer deny the absolute need for the working class to remain armed. And I was right, a ton of my blue conservative friends got strapped. But the democratic party doesn’t represent its voters, so why should I be surprised the DNC never changed their position.
Even now as they warn time and again that we are one election away from fascism, they still refuse to drop their anti gun position.
The wheels of justice have always turned so slow in this country they have now rusted and seized up. We are on our own. Always has been.
SocialistRA.org
Rolando@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Couchsurfing got me great friends, girlfriends and eventually my wife.
I should totally try that. It’d be like: “Honey? How long is Rolando going to be staying on our couch? He spends all his time on his laptop giggling at that weird website full of communists and furries…” / “I don’t know… Let’s… Let’s set him up with that friend of yours, I bet that’ll get him out of here!”
Letstakealook@lemm.ee 1 month ago
I go out and interact with strangers all the time, make acquaintances and friends, and when I was interested, even met women to date. I’m autistic, awkward, and have anxiety. If I can do it, most neurotypicals should be able to as well. I think the problem most people have is that they expect things to happen instantaneously. It takes time to build rapport with an individual or group, but consistency is key. You’ll often be surprised by the people who look forward to seeing you.
TheFriar@lemm.ee 1 month ago
The true key is…counterintuitive as this sounds, not looking.
Try enjoying yourself, meeting people, doing things you like. People can sense desperation or dishonesty in you when you’re feigning interest or trying to get in their pants. Just…be a decent person, and you can find people who you get along with. It happens more naturally that way and you’re more likely to find…yknow, people you like and who like you.
Rolando@lemmy.world 1 month ago
exasperation@lemm.ee 1 month ago
The true key is…counterintuitive as this sounds, not looking.
I agree with your overall comment but would also expand on this point. It’s ok to be looking (and open about that fact) but you’re right that looking for a romantic/sexual relationship is a lot easier when it’s combined with looking for other things at the same time, like the other things you’re talking about: people to share conversations with, to share hobbies with, to do things with, to learn from, to accomplish things with. Because after all, even if you do find someone to be a romantic partner, you’ll want all those other things as part of it, too.
Most people who share your interests or want to do things with you won’t be potential partners. I’m a straight cis guy with a lot of stereotypical straight guy interests, which means that the majority of people I meet through my hobbies are other straight guys, and none of us want to date each other. Even most of the women aren’t in the dating pool (age, relationship status, other factors).
Being social creates opportunities to meet partners. For people who are able to do that, being social is the easiest way to create the environment where potential partners want to talk to you and want to explore compatibility with you.
LePoisson@lemmy.world 1 month ago
I think the problem most people have is that they expect things to happen instantaneously
In my experience it’s oftentimes men that are looking to date women way more attractive than them. Like some fat slob incel that refuses to date or bang a chubby chick and then gets mad they’re not picking up women that are hot AF and upset “nobody will date [them].”
It’s stupid, I know a guy on discord just like that. Unattractive fat guy and when I mentioned I think the biggest thing to coupling is being realistic and dating people about the same attractive level … Dude balked at that. Was like “what about a guy that has a great personality,” the man is delusional. No job, on food stamps and just getting by, living in a one bedroom (maybe studio?) apt, slobby and fat then hits the surprise Pikachu face that women don’t want to date him. Not to mention his social skills. Talk about a total lack of self awareness.
Sure maybe if you were extremely rich a woman might overlook your physical appearance but let’s be realistic here.
That to me is the problem most people have but I agree with the instantaneous thing too - it takes time to get in the groove so to speak. I’ve seen it go both ways gender wise just picking on my fellow dudes here.
ChexMax@lemmy.world 1 month ago
It’s not just totally unattractive guys trying to punch above their weight, it’s also mid range guys who pick the hottest girl in the group and then sulk when she goes home with sometime else after doing nothing to make themselves her best option. And the sulking is pretty transparent which further lowers their attractiveness, and that kind of behavior definitely makes it back to everyone in the group. Guys really say no one will date me and literally only mean their first top choice won’t date them.
Randelung@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Yeah, my experience, too. People hang out with their friends in their friend groups. Just sucks that they don’t seem to mix anymore. Networking doesn’t work if there’s neither opportunity nor interest.
RecluseRamble@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 month ago
Do them same - hang out with your friend group, just have fun and don’t press finding a relationship. You first get to know people through that group and later interest and maybe a relationship forms.
ddplf@szmer.info 1 month ago
You do realize that in most cases it’s lack of that friends group the whole problem?
Kusimulkku@lemm.ee 1 month ago
It can be very relaxing to hang without outsiders
Mandy@sh.itjust.works 1 month ago
Surprisingly, real world isn’t world of Warcraft, people won’t have marks over their heads indicating something to you
SomethingBurger@jlai.lu 1 month ago
They should.
Rolando@lemmy.world 1 month ago
In The Metaverse^™^ they will! (…for a price…)
Mango@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Ever seen a name tag with a logo on it?
Mango@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Bobmighty@lemmy.world 1 month ago
I’m part of a social activity meetup group that also does a bit of volunteer stuff for folks In need. I’m already with someone but I’ve watched people meet and pair off in that group several times. It happens.
If you smell shit everywhere you go, check your shoes.
LesserAbe@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Yeah, I wouldn’t recommend a bar either. Try taking a class, joining some sort of athletic thing (jogging, cycling, yoga) volunteering somewhere. Go to a place where you’re doing an activity with a group, and the focus isn’t dating. Takes the pressure off and allows for getting to know people naturally.
BallsandBayonets@lemmings.world 1 month ago
And, the important second part to that, is to join a club without looking to date. Men (and very occasionally women) who join clubs or teams or whatever with dating as the first priority smell like desperation and end up making the experience worse for everyone, including themselves.
Chainslaw@lemmy.world 1 month ago
“I do a lot of really cool stuff with fun people maybe the problem is YOU FUCKING SUCK FIX YOURSELF”
tfw_no_toiletpaper@lemmy.world 1 month ago
This but unironically
Bobmighty@lemmy.world 1 month ago
With a reaction like that I would say yes, you need to pay some attention to yourself. By the way, a lot of that “cool stuff” is very ordinary shit like trivia night at a local sports bar.
southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 1 month ago
Legit though, why be rude to a fellow for rolling up politely as a dude? Like, if he’s hitting on you and it isn’t welcome, you tell them up bugger off. But just someone looking for some conversation? Man, I actually dislike strangers in general, I’ve got PTSD issues. But I still wouldn’t automatically push the guy away without a solid explanation. And I’m actually known for being blunt about things in public. But when you go to some places, including bars, there’s an assumption that it’s a shared space and you treat other people as well as they’ll allow.
Like, if you aren’t willing to be polite and at least explain why a stranger isn’t welcome in your group, maybe a bar isn’t the best place to meet up? Nobody is obligated to welcome them in with open arms if they don’t want to, but you do it nicely because that’s a fellow human being trying to be social and friendly. You say, “hey man, sorry, this is an in group situation, we’re here as an established group doing our thing.” You don’t dis them, you don’t act like they’re bad for looking at you and your group and thinking “maybe those dudes could be cool to hang with”. That’s a good thing if someone thinks you and your crew are interesting.
I dunno, maybe I’m fucking weird, but as much as I hate crowded places, and dislike random contact, I can’t think of a single time where I would have rejected someone without a friendly explanation why.
We gotta be better to each other. We don’t all hang the be friends, but we can be nice about it, can’t we?
GetOffMyLan@programming.dev 1 month ago
This dude is clearly looking to get laid and I bet it’s very clear from the way he approaches people. You’re assuming they aren’t creeping.
southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 1 month ago
Yeah, but it’s most likely that he’s looking to get laid by women, the word choices and way the text is written point to the writer being hetero, with the men he was talking to being for companionship.
But, yeah, I’m assuming good intentions overall. Looking to get laid isn’t inherently bad, for one thing. Nor is trying to find someone to date. Creeping implies they’re being crude about it, or otherwise behaving in an inappropriate manner. Well, that’s the main usage of the slang term. So, my base assumption is that someone writing something like that is no worse than any idiot teenager or young adult with poor social skills.
When that’s the case, there’s no reason to be rude or dismissive to them, you can still be nice about it. Hell, even if they are creeping, you stand a better chance of some minor degree of giving them an example of how they should behave by being nice.
As much as I hate people, and gods do I, if we fall into the trap of defaulting to believing the worst and acting on it with everyone, shit breaks down. It may seem like an oxymoron, but compassionate misanthropy is possible. You can believe people are assholes in general, and still act based on the chance that they’re not, simply by assuming that malice isn’t involved.
meneervana@lemm.ee 1 month ago
So the girl is wrong for not wanting to be sexually objectified by a random stranger…? If you knew how much women are harrassed and objectified all the god damn time when going out, you would know that being polite to these guys only sends them the wrong signals and makes them think that you are interested and they have a chance, and will make things worse. The core problem with these incel guys is that they feel totally entitled to a womans body and attention. They aren’t! Yes everyone deserves a happy and healthy relationship with others and social connections, but these guys are so bitter that they literally think spending 30 dollars on a beer should give them access to a girl. If they would genuinely want to just have a conversation with them he wouldn’t have drawn the conclusion that he stated at the end. He wouldn’t have to feel that rejected. It’s because he was there especially to find a girl to date, that the girl couldn’t live up to his expectations.
Women aren’t objects to obtain or fuck. And honestly most women get harrassed and stalked and get unwanted attention from men so much that they sense the intentions of these guys immediately.
southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 1 month ago
See, you’re stuck in a bad place.
You not only assume that the person in the text is a bad person, and that I’m also thinking the way you seem to think is the default.
Look, go back and reread what I wrote while assuming the best. That I’m looking at the text with compassion and the goal of not fucking with someone.
Then go back to the original text and look at it without the assumption that the person is acting badly. Look at it with compassion, with the assumption that they don’t know how to interact with people yet. Or look at it from the perspective I wrote from, that if someone approaches your group in a public place, that maybe being nice, being gentle is the way we’re supposed to start out.
You do realize I didn’t mention anything about women needing to be polite to someone hitting on them, right? I mean, the very first line of the comment you’re responding to says "legit though, why be rude to a fellow for rolling up politely as a dude. That sets the framework for the perspective of the comment. It’s a dude talking about how to treat other dudes that approach your group in public.
We’re talking about two separate things, or that’s my base assumption in this response. That you aren’t just ranting about something random and didn’t read the comment, but that you just missed the first line, or that I didn’t phrase it well enough, and need to explain it better.
See what I mean though? You didn’t even come at this neutrally, you started off with putting words in my mouth (or on my screen, I guess), and I’m still here trying to assume the best instead of just blocking you because you’re off on your own tangent that doesn’t respond to what I actually wrote. I’m being direct, but I’m still (so far) being nice about it instead of just blasting you or otherwise forgetting that you’re human and can make mistakes without intending to be a jerk.
BluesF@lemmy.world 1 month ago
If you are a man, do not go to bars or clubs alone and expect anything unless you are like, insanely hot or charming. But if you are either of those things you don’t need my advice. Either go with friends or do something more actively social, like a class or outright social group.
Kattiydid@slrpnk.net 1 month ago
Because women aren’t objects to play for and win like a prize in a claw machine. They’re people who have thoughts and wants and desires and aren’t interested in being treated like an object to be possessed while they’re out having fun. If you walk up and you’re obviously looking to find something to be romantically interested in, and they want to get to know people like people before anything romantic, you’re not going to have any luck. Like a bunch of the other comments said, go find something that you enjoy doing and get to know the people there as humans. Talk about your shared interest, about your goals and wants and desires for your life outside of a romantic partner, and ask them about the same. Surprisingly, once you stop treating women like fresh meat on a savannah and actually try to get to know who they are as people, they stop being so freaked out and might actually be interested in getting to know you as a person.
shalafi@lemmy.world 1 month ago
The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth
- Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.
GregorGizeh@lemmy.zip 1 month ago
“Do not give off mating signals unless you are given mating signals” how is that gonna work if nobody is supposed to initiate anything?
Nalivai@lemmy.world 1 month ago
That’s…not what they wrote
UltraGiGaGigantic@lemmy.ml 1 month ago
If the mating signal is a flare, the gay bar is a fireworks show.
tissek@sopuli.xyz 1 month ago
Pottery class. You are a dirty mess, every one is a dirty mess and y’all have something in common. Plus it is an artistic expression and as long as you are willing to talk about artistic struggles being “bad” isn’t detriment at all. And worst comes to show you now have a new coffee cup.
Replace Pottery with whatever is offered locally.
LANIK2000@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Dating is a complete shit show. People that say to just work on your self are only telling half the story. Of course it’s important to be open and actively willing to improve, but it’s equally as important to identify the kind of people in your life. Legit, the only reason I’m not a complete fucking incel today is because I was lucky enough to have a friend to connected me with someone I wouldn’t have ever met otherwise.
I was convinced that all my self-improvement was pointless as I kept getting shoved away as a monster for simply being a man and getting cucked by literal rapists. Felt like what I believed in must have been fundamentally flawed somehow, that I was just broken. Turns out I was just used to attracting shit people.
Aaron@lemmy.nz 1 month ago
This is the key that too many straight men who use words like “friend zone” and “game” and “incel” just don’t realise… don’t go hunting for a bride like some caveman. Go make friends. Live your life by doing the things you like, treat women like women not like a prize to be won. Make male and female friends, don’t just talk to women who you’re attracted to. Find friends, and not with the anticipation that one of them will turn into a girlfriend. “Friend zoned” is what people say when they don’t get that they’re not owed a relationship, and think that being friends with women is a waste of time. Find friends. Be who you are, be genuine. That’s the only way you’ll find people who are genuinely interested in spending time with you and not some persona you’ve adopted. If you want an actual good match of a partner, it’s more likely that a friend of yours will match you up with someone than you finding the one by going out like you’re on the hunt.
curiousaur@reddthat.com 1 month ago
I met my wife at a bar. We’ve been married 4 years now.
She walked in alone, looking beautiful. Made up, red lipstick, hot dress.
I was shooting pool in the back with some friends before we head to our friends dj set. She sat down in the front, nearly by the door. I handed my cue off to someone and said shoot for me, I need to take care of something.
As I walk towards her, I can see every other single dude, and the not single dudes, and a couple of ladies eyeballing her. I walked with such momentum that anyone considering trying to make the move had already yielded. I walked with such confidence they probably thought I was already with her.
I sit next to her and start chatting. Ask if I can buy her a drink. Introduce myself. Ask what she’s up to. Turns out she’s trying to go dancing. She was supposed to meet a friend who was running late, but the dance club accross the street they were going to had closed suddenly a few days prior.
It just so happened that my buddy was DJing the best, sold out, ballroom dance party that night. And I was on the list.
We have a few drinks and chat, convince her to come with us if she’s trying to dance. She gets in the Uber with some of my other friends I was shooting pool with and I. The friends there and candid vibe set her at ease, it is a little crazy to jump in a Uber with someone you met 30 minutes ago after all.
I get to look so cool when I tell the bouncer I’m on the list, but there must be a mistake I should be listed for a +1 too. No problem, we both get in. It’s litterally the best dance party I’ve been too. We dance, make out, the rest is history.
riodoro1@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Cool story bro
curiousaur@reddthat.com 1 month ago
Thanks! Our son just turned 3!
OsrsNeedsF2P@lemmy.ml 1 month ago
You have to leverage the situation you’re in, but something that works well for me is go climbing gym > compliment someone on their climb > strike conversation > if it goes well, ask for their insta (semi-public info) > slip into DMs (wanna go climbing again?) > make a move
Between each >, it’s obviously only a step you can do if the vibes check, but it’s one example of something that works. Also I won’t lie doing this is a bit difficult, but you get better with practice. It also works great if you go to busy climbing gyms in different places at different times, since you’ll always see new people. Final caveat is I do this for friends, since I’m already dating, but it works the same way to catch a bf/gf
umbrella@lemmy.ml 1 month ago
dating apps are bleak as fuck, yes.
Kusimulkku@lemm.ee 1 month ago
choosing signals
Intaresting
Fizz@lemmy.nz 1 month ago
I legit have no idea how I meet people but some how I have friends and occasionally girlfriends. I can’t control when it happens I just have to wait until I get a friend join event.
blockheadjt@sh.itjust.works 1 month ago
Find pubs with karaoke, and do it. If you’re decent, someone will compliment you. Strike up a conversation with them.
ShellMonkey@lemmy.socdojo.com 1 month ago
Probably one of the most socially friendly places I recall in recent years was a CrossFit gym. I know people shit in them as being full of cultish twats, and to some extent I won’t argue that, but compared to a standard gym there’s quite a ‘us’ rather than ‘me’ vibe to it. Find those kind of places where people look to support and improve each other rather than show off what they know or can do.
Though I’m about the least socially apt person around one thing that really has stuck out to me, don’t go there with a goal other than to do the thing. If you go with the goal of a date you’re gonna be disappointed, go with the intent of doing what you like instead.
AbsoluteChicagoDog@lemm.ee 5 weeks ago
It tough, but you have to go to meet people not girls. Have fun, be social, and you’ll get there.
psion1369@lemmy.world 1 month ago
I had a friend who tried the same thing, bars and such. He didn’t try anybody in his friend group and he was more ir less isolated at work, so there was no real pool of people to look into. I suggested getting a cheap seat at the ballpark and he balked saying he didn’t like sports. I told him even if he walked the concourse, there were still folks he could interact with. He ended up finding some girl who was an actual prostitute and got him hooked on drugs.
M1nds3nd@lemmy.ca 1 month ago
That last line hits like a truck.
FenrirIII@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Or like cocaine
licheas@sh.itjust.works 1 month ago
she probably looked like one.
Randomgal@lemmy.ca 1 month ago
Image
Lawnman23@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Image
Skullgrid@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Oof
TheFriar@lemm.ee 1 month ago
Woah that story took a turn I Did not expect
x00z@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Ez secks and drugs. That’s better than a relationship.
Fizz@lemmy.nz 1 month ago
Is he still with the girl tho?
psion1369@lemmy.world 1 month ago
No, once he kicked his heroin habit, he kicked her to the curb.
laranis@lemmy.zip 1 month ago
Wild.