Submitted 17 hours ago by Bonje@lemmy.world to [deleted]
I cook at home because of restaurant prices and tip culture. Driving everywhere sucks. Everything feels miles away so good luck walking.
Sell the car. Move into a tiny 3br apartment with roommates in a walkable city.
Date your roommate’s friends. They’ll date yours.
Change roommates occasionally.
Work and hobbies
This might go without saying but to add to this you need to find a place to meet up with people with those hobbies somehow. I had hobbies but wasn’t meeting anyone since I just did those hobbies alone. You essentially need to find a “3rd place” and hobbies is one way to achieve that. However you can also do things like volunteer and other things to find that 3rd place.
What do you enjoy doing that’s not work and not “adulting”?
Find a hobby. Then find a group that shares that hobby. Clean up a park day, maybe.
Or find a charity or nonprofit that needs volunteers.
The local library probably has things going on, too.
Find a third space whether it’s the magic the gsthering shop and shop tournies or church or a knitting circle ran by the local yarn shop.
Museums too. There are a decent number that have “adults night” now.
That’s a great suggestion! They also tend to host specific exhibits and events that give good opportunities to meet people with similar interests.
Plus they’re just fun. One in a small city by me has an exhibit on local glass manufacturing techniques from the previous turn of the century and how some were invented locally, comparing them to ceramic techniques from across the globe and time. Absolutely fascinating stuff.
The internet and being willing to move cross country
Imagine finding the perfect partner, getting married, moving in together etc.
Now that you’re married and that’s all settled, where do the two of you go for fun? Where do the two of you go to get out of the house?
Go there.
That’s when people stop going outside and having friends. are you nuts
Shit fuck i don’t go anywhere with my wife. I’m gonna suck at dating
Meet people: hobby or spiritual community are the two big ones most people meet a partner at. Look up cheap hobbies in particular something like a walking club.
Cheap places to take a girl:
fish around in conversations for her favorite food. Pick the prettiest spot within walking distance. Pick somewhere out of the way but visible to passerby like the edge of a park. Check the calendar for favorable weather. Bring a blanket, that favorite food, and anything needed to make the environment comfy like an umbrella.
if it’s just not the time of year for favorable weather book a library or community center presentation room and in addition to food fish around in convos for a favorite movie. Still bring a large blanket and push the tables and wheely chairs out of the way.
Any partner who finds effort over cash undesirable is just not a good fit for your life right now.
Work and shared hobbies. I recently went to buy some hardwood from a work colleague. We don’t even work the same shift but they’re fond of asking what I’m building or showing me what they’re building because who else are they going to talk to about their hobby (I imagine).
We’re not friends, but there’s this hobby. I get there and it’s not a mere business transaction nor do we talk work. It almost had a kid feel to it. Like when you crossed the hedge to the yard of the kid next door and he welcomes you because it’s more fun if you can show off and share your toys. Only as adults. Kudos on reclaiming a small piece of that.
Adulthood is such a roadblock sometimes.
Being an adult is hard, in so many different ways.
I miss kindergarten.
I love being an adult. It’s amazing.
I absolutely hated Kindergarten.
Naps, cookies, juice boxes, why do we ever stop that?
Volunteer. Audition for community theater. Get a job. Join a hiking group. Take an adult learning class. Download a dating app. Get yourself out there.
it’s a good way to meet new people. i do many of those things. none of them are good for meeting young single women.
You have to consider: Do you actually want to meet a young woman who hangs out in bars, restaurants and airports? Spend all night talking about her Gucci bag from Dubai or some shit?
If those are the options you have, I’d choose the old married lesbian any day.
I was responding to OP asking about friends and relationships, so not just “young single women.” But I did also say try a dating app. Singles is pretty much all those are for.
Obviously no one can give you town-specific suggestions but are bars and restaurants the only things women do you where you live? I’d be very surprised if that’s true.
Traveling - notoriously not a hobby.
Hobby groups. For board games, hiking, sports, etc.
You already have a shared interest, makes things easier.
This is how I did it. You just have to find the like minded individuals and put in the time to get to know them. I did it through meetup.com some, word of mouth of events from other friends, and just talking a chance and talking to someone who seemed chill from work. Some of my best friends now.
I hope Mayberry is nice grandpa. This isn’t the world anymore. If it was you wouldn’t be reading this post.
It’s also just that it’s easier to talk to people while doing things. Chatting over a task/project/activity is kinda just what people do
True! Making friends out of strangers isn’t really all that difficult, but it does take some practice in being a normal human being and talking to people you just run into.
The sense of community in America is really dying out hard as people isolate themselves further in their little islands of homes and apartments and only socially exist online. But it is possible to just chat with some person you meet in the park while going for a walk without being a weirdo, just many people have forgotten how.
There’s a group of guys I meet up with in the warmer months to fish for bass under a bridge. How’d I meet them? I was fishing for trout in a lake and one of em asked if I had any bites. We had a normal chat between fishers, asking about what we’re targeting, what kinda bait and lures we’re using, comparing successes and failures. I peppered in some info about myself, e.g. mentioned a local noodle bar I liked, mentioned my partner, he did the same, we felt we were similar enough, he invited me to join him and his friends and now we meet up every couple of weeks between April and October.
You just gotta talk to people and not make it weird.
I found bars full of people with self abuse issues.
Then the other things seem more useful for you in particular.
good question, it’s not been going well for me
Best answer I’ve ever had for this was ‘find something to support.’ It can be anything. Just find a space where you have people trying to do something for the benefit of others with some bare minimum cost of entry. The group coming from people trying to help others will bias it toward nicer people. The cost of entry, even something small like $5/mo or physically present volunteering, deters anonymous trolling.
The other good option is classes. Doing things to improve your skills in something is generally worthwhile anyway, but it also puts you in contact with other people who share an interest.
Always gonna plug disc sports when threads like this pop up. Ultimate Frisbee is fun and if you live in even a minor city there’s usually a rec league to join. Has the best culture of any sport IMO, full of the chilliest most accepting people who are always looking for more people to join and with rec leagues people will sometimes go out to the bar after to hang out.
Disc golf is also great for meeting people if you’re not as into cardio. Can join tournaments and they’ll usually pair you up with people. Or just go solo to the course and occasionally someone else will offer to let you join their round or if you’re waiting with another solo at a hole you can offer to let them join you.
Both are also very cheap activities, Frisbee you just need cleats and to pay ~$50 for a rec league season. Disc golf is basically free once you get discs.
You don’t need to get shitfaced at a bar. 1 drink per hour is under the legal limit for driving. I find it’s enough to loosen up and if you politely decline further drinks nobody will bother you. And if they’re pushy order a sprite with a twist on the rocks. So it looks like you’re drinking alcohol but really you’re staying sober
I suppose thats the point of recommendations, they aren’t telling you you have to get into sports.
This is my problem with meeting people, only I don’t like to drink (or smoke for that matter). The smell drives me insane so I don’t even like being around people who do it unless I’m getting paid for it.
You simply don’t—you die alone.
Enjoy. 👌
Don’t give him hope. You can alone for years, decades even while death laughs and refuses to do it’s damn job.
“Sorry, you’re too lonely to take. I’ll getcha the moment you find a modicum of happiness with another human being, I promise. I got you boo!”
For me, it was always through work. Meeting co-workers after work, and meeting other people that way.
You do need to make an effort, though, instead of excuses.
You do need to make an effort, though, instead of excuses.
This really needs to be said more often, I don’t know what’s going on out there but I see this “I can’t make friends” sentiment all over the internet, but out in physical space people aren’t just going to “click” with you, you have to put in effort, use judgement if you’re putting in the right effort for the right company, and you have to decide what you’re setting aside to invest in this goal.
“I don’t have time to do ____” surely applies to a lot of people and situations, but in my time coaching I always had to tell people that you don’t get good at something without making the time to actually work towards it, and making that time is always going to be a you problem. You have to decide if that 2 hours you spend “unwinding” after work is really doing you more good than hanging out somewhere and socializing or even just trying new things.
I get being tired, we’re all fucking tired. But it doesn’t fix itself, all you can really do is force your body and brain to adapt to new kinds of stimulus and activity, which it will readily, you just can’t have both… you can’t spend all your spare time gaming or scrolling and expect you’re going to also be able to instantly shift gears if someone calls you up to go have dinner or play airsoft or go hiking or something.
Or you could live in a less urban area, specifically one where transplants are less common than people who grew up less than 30 min away. People who never left their home town, whose friend group also never left, still have all their friends from school and don’t need or want more. They don’t really want to be your friend even if you do click. You can meet them out dozens of times and have running jokes when you see each other, but they’ll never go out of their way to make or keep plans.
Everyone who moves to my current area says basically the same thing about how difficult it is to make friends here. People much more commonly get their friends hired with them than make friends with new people who get hired, so even that hasn’t been a super fruitful endeavor. Only people I’ve managed to make lasting friends with have also been from elsewhere and struggled.
That’s not to say people aren’t nice and welcoming, they are, they just aren’t welcoming into their social circles.
Yep. I’m exhausted after work, but when I spend some time after work biking I find I’m less exhausted after work once I’ve gotten used to it. Then add social events and yeah, I might need a day of rest regularly, but I also need to get out and do stuff regularly.
Also, learning to flirt is hard and vital. You will make an ass of yourself. Eventually though you get good at it. I’m an awkward dweeb with crap social skills, and yet after learning to flirt and years practicing I’ve managed to find myself making out with strangers on nights out every once in a while. The vital addendum is learning to chat with strangers and have a good time without it going further. Once again, awkward weirdo, but I’ve had so many lovely evenings out chatting with people I may or may not see again. It’s fun and results in a good reputation.
the problem is people watch social media all day and expect everything to be easy and instant like it is on there.
Get a hobby, go to events, find social circles, and drink at the sort of bars you can chat with strangers at.
Hey, I’ve also made long term friends from underground raves/sex dungeons. It’s a totally valid way to make friends. Like so many other methods, you already have a shared interest, that’s a springboard to explore if you’re otherwise compatible as buddies.
As much as everyone hates dating apps, it’s dating apps. Keep an open mind and go on dates looking to just get to know another person. Apps put a large swath of people in your view that otherwise you may not have crossed paths with.
Otherwise, church, bars, hobby meet ups.
you don’t make friends on dating apps. you find dates.
OP did say “get into relationships.”
I met my current friend group through dating apps. You gotta keep an open mind when meeting people - you’re there to get to know them as a person. Sometimes that leads to dating, sometimes it’s friendship.
Coed recreational sports team. Lots of them are mostly social with a little bit of sports tossed in. And almost all of them are looking for more players.
Bouldering is the goat sport for this. Lots of little downtime in between routes which leaves room for talking. But you also always have something to talk about and compliment etc.
Well, I don’t live in a place like that, so there’s that. Consider moving to a better city for young people for a few years.
Consider moving to a better city for young people for a few years.
I don’t have words for how much of a useless boomer answer this is.
the stakes of moving will never be lower than in your early 20s. one of my regrets is definitely not taking more risks, because worst case scenario I literally would’ve just moved back home without any judgement. obviously that’s not everyone’s situation, but it is the average American in their early 20’s situation.
Cities are better for dating. More people, more third places.
They should get a better job while they’re at it.
Its beautiful, isn’t it?
Totally true. Some cities/places are just not good for meeting people. Some have very insular and closed off social cultures, others are more open.
The house next door is empty and up for sale. I happened to see a real estate agent and a couple in the driveway, and she waved to me, in a sort of inviting way, so I went over and helped her pitch the house a little, telling them that the previous people were really great, kept up the house nice, did lots of upgrades, the street is really friendly and meets at the neighborhood pool every morning, etc.
The wife asked if there were any musicians, and I raised my hand. She asked what instrument, I said guitar, and she pointed to her husband, and said “So does he.” I said " Please buy this house!"
Yesterday, I heard the house is in escrow, and we’ll have new neighbors soon. I hope it’s the guitarist, I would love a guitar buddy, I literally have NOBODY to play with.
This. I miss being in a band. Did this in high school and college. We played local clubs and bars. It was fun.
But as an adult, who can find 3other people willing to play at all, or even commit to a 1 hour get together to practice… Performing is probably never going to happen again.
I don’t even need a whole band. I have a bunch of recording gear, so I’m always laying out a drum track, doing a rhythm guitar track offer that, then the bass line, then I usually go back and for a different rhythm track with the new bass line, then start soloing over that.
So if I can find a buddy, we can lay down the drum, bass, and rhythm guitar track all at once, then start trading solos over that. Or maybe just acoustic duets. We’ll figure it out.
meetups, conventions, conferences, concerts, bars, hobbies, etc. It might be easier for me because I live in a very populous region, but I’ve found it pretty easy to meet people. 90%+ of those people don’t end up becoming long term friends, but that’s just how it is.
Also, the easiest way to start a conversation is to ask a question. “Hey what’s that?” “What are you doing?” It takes time to get a good feel for whether or not someone is actually looking for a conversation based on their response, but it is a skill anyone can learn and there’s generally no harm in short chats with strangers in public spaces.
Sounds like you need a bicycle. Not only do you increase range but you can also meet other bike people.
That being said bike people are certainly a certain type of odd, and if you’re looking for women, we’re definitely a minority of people really into bicycles. Like, I love bikes, if you’re interested in them look for bike groups and see if there’s a bike repair coop nearby, 10/10 hobby, especially if you’re looking for left wing people who aren’t super self destructive.
I have been actively involved in the bike community in my city. There is about 1 woman for every 100 dudes, and she’s already dating another bike guy.
you can also meet other bike people. guys with ginger dreadlocks.
You all realize people commute on bikes all over the world that aren’t bike messengers, hipsters, or obsessive “bike people” right? A bike is a vehicle, not a flag.
most people who ride bikes aren’t ‘bike people’.
Oh jeez, by bike people I meant others that ride a bike. Not necessarily doing nude bike rides or critical mass or identifying as a bike
Church
Hobbies. I got into ham radio for this very reason. It’s also adjacent to my job (IT), and it’s one of the quintessential “hobby hobbies” like stamp collecting and model trains.
But doesn’t ham radio introduce you to people halfway across the planet?
It mostly introduces you to old men with a wide array of beliefs in conspiracies
And locally if you join a club. If there aren’t enough hams for a club there may be at least one you could seek out as an Elmer.
I met my eventual spouse an art gallery opening. Amazing how certain settings filter out the detritus of society.
every art person i ever dated was a rich douchebag that hated people for not being rich.
real winners they were.-
Public art museum, not a private gallery that sells shitty art.
Become a regular at the third space of your choice. Like minded people that attend the same things repeatedly tend to click.
Don’t ask old people.
Yah because young people are absolutely killing it in the field of being social, forming communities and starting families and friend groups.
I don’t. Been single for almost 10 years now. Tried online dating for 8 of those 10 years with absolutely no luck. Made things worse by renting a garage “apartment” so I could live closer to my job which is way out in old rich people land…
So I just gave up and accepted that I’ll be single living in someone else’s garage/basement until I decide I’ve had enough and walk deep into the woods somewhere to “flip the off switch” as it were.
You talk to them.
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 1 hour ago
Fuck if I know. I volunteer. I joined a community choir. I am mildly social at the coffee shop. There’s a local bar/restaurant with picnic table seating and the culture is you can talk with anyone you are seated by as long as you’re civil. People still go to churches. There’s PTAs and stuff for your kids. Just a few ideas.