Yeah turns out, “sitting in my room alone playing video games,” isn’t much of an alibi. I should get some hobbies that involve people. Like…multi-player games.
Yet they know what dishware I'm looking for...
Submitted 3 months ago by Melatonin@lemmy.dbzer0.com to [deleted]
https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/pictrs/image/4092c838-6ece-4775-8e06-910d2b99451a.webp
Comments
frickineh@lemmy.world 3 months ago
bamboo@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 months ago
This is why there are so many Twitch streamers. They get nothing out of it except for a perfect alibi.
HawlSera@lemm.ee 3 months ago
Funny story, there actually was a killer who murdered his girlfriend because she was pregnant and didn’t want an abortion.
In order to cover for this, he found out exactly how long it’d take to get to her house and back, recorded him playing GTA for that long.
He was found out because cameras on the street found him walking near her house, during the “live” event.
There were also bugs in the stream where the message “Time to die” showed up (in the context of an “ad” for a James Bond film), which were just his little way of bragging about his crime, like he was the Riddler or something.
He did too good a job with his timing, because the “glitch” happened pretty much exactly at the time of death.
I’ve seen enough of these “Perfect Murder Fails” go wrong, and it’s usually people who think they’re more clever than they really are pretty much giving all the evidence to the police.
I know of another where a film maker rented an old house, made it look like a stereotypical serial killer’s lair, filmed part of a low budget horror movie on it, and then killed a guy there.
Lemme lay down some flash non-fiction written in first person to tell you how that went
“See, it looks like a murder happened here, but the brilliant part is: It’s a set for a movie that I can prove I’ve been making! Meaning I can just not clean up after my own killing and hide in plain sight! Aaaaaand they’re testing the fake blood I used because it doesn’t look or smell anything like costume blood… And I left my manifesto cleverly disguised as my script in the car that they can now search because the blood tested positive for being real blood, meaning probable cause. I’ll just say it’s my own blood and I wanted it to be realistic! That can salvage this! Oh right tests like that also kinda tell you who’s blood it is, meaning they know it’s the victms… and my “script” describes the victim’s wounds so perfectly it can’t be coincidence… Wow, I’m fucked.”
shneancy@lemmy.world 3 months ago
completelynormalthingtodo but sometimes i think about the perfect alibi for a crime and how you could pre-record a livestream with an excuse like “today i’m playing a VR game so sorry chat if i don’t interact with you much this stream!” if you’re feeling brave throw at the end say a vague “thank you all for watching, and thank you so much for all the donations, if you want it read though next time donate when i can see the chat haha” and would you look at that, thousands of witnesses saw you livestreaming at home, twitch.tv itself will confirm the exact time you went “live”
then all you’d have to do is get rid of the original file, best if you physically destroyed the disk it was on to prevent any chance at data recovery
probably has some flaws but i did think of it in the shower so don’t use it to do crime
ordellrb@lemmy.world 3 months ago
and you could prerecord the stream…
FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 3 months ago
I am envisioning the perfect mystery novel for the proper author.
jballs@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
That’s one of the main points in the podcast Serial. It opens with a question like, “do you remember where you were on Tuesday at 4:45 five weeks ago?”
The person accused of the crime was a highschool student on the 90s before smart phones. When they said they were at track practice after school, it then became “can you prove where you were?”
ryathal@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
Somewhat fortunately modern technology solved most of this. It’s just a matter of asking the right company to provide proof.
jballs@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
That actually played a part in it as well. Ultimately the kid was convicted because of cell phone location data. Part of the controversy was that an expert for the telephone company didn’t testify at the time that the data was inaccurate.
kameecoding@lemmy.world 3 months ago
I thought you would say it’s solved by technology and then link to the famous dont talk to the police video: youtu.be/d-7o9xYp7eE
Irelephant@lemm.ee 3 months ago
tbh i don’t even know how many days ago christmas was.
Blackmist@feddit.uk 3 months ago
It’s ok, your phone tracks your location.
So leave it at home when you go on that crime spree.
amon@lemmy.world 3 months ago
even better, lend it to a friend to carry around town
nialv7@lemmy.world 3 months ago
How will I be able to get anyway without map on my phone?
Darkenfolk@dormi.zone 3 months ago
Boomer commentary about millennials and their atrocious map reading skills, while autofellatioing about their own generations map reading skills which they needed for travelling uphill towards their school which was situated on a tundra mountain.
Ironfacebuster@lemmy.world 3 months ago
I like all the suggestions in here about how to avoid getting caught for murder through your phone
My tip for not getting caught would be: probably don’t murder someone in the first place unless they really really deserve it
Wogi@lemmy.world 3 months ago
There are nearly 3000 billionaires worldwide. Collectively they own 14 trillion in wealth.
This is nearly double all of the wealth held by every other person in the world, combined.
guiguinofake@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
Why don’t we just get rid of them? Are we stupid?
BigBananaDealer@lemm.ee 3 months ago
what is the definition of really really deserve it?
Ironfacebuster@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Being too inquisitive
TankovayaDiviziya@lemmy.world 3 months ago
I guess we’re all Luigis now.
theonlytruescotsman@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
If people that did murder were convicted for actually committing murder, the US wouldn’t have a police force. If everyone, or even a majority of people, convicted for murder actually committed murder there wouldn’t be multiple NGOs working around the clock in the US to free people from death row.
assassinatedbyCIA@lemmy.world 3 months ago
That doesn’t protect your ass when you get accused of a crime you didn’t commit.
prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 months ago
Perfect cover, Scott…
BigGovernment@lemmy.world 3 months ago
This is why it’s common in the black community to get a receipt whenever you buy anything. You can’t prove where you are at all times, but you can prove that you were at a particular time and place. Might save you from being railroaded in a crime you didn’t commit.
Kolanaki@yiffit.net 3 months ago
“When the heck would I ever need to prove I paid for a doughnut?”
“When you’re being tried for murder and the only alibi you got is buying a doughnut.”
Melatonin@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 months ago
Damn, never thought of that. There’s a REASON I might need to prove I bought a doughnut!
FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 3 months ago
I had never heard that before, but that makes a depressing amount of sense.
dev_null@lemmy.ml 3 months ago
And not so you are not accused of stealing? That’s my reason of getting receipts.
cRazi_man@lemm.ee 3 months ago
I was at home, posting on Lemmy.
fleton@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Strange. I’m at home posting on Lemmy but I don’t see you anywhere. GUILTY!
nichtburningturtle@feddit.org 3 months ago
What a strage thing for you to say, since I was at home posting on Lemmy, yet you were nowhere to be seen!!!
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 3 months ago
That’s why my dad told me to always get a receipt. It’s not a business thing, it’s an alibi thing!
GladiusB@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Is he still getting cigarettes?
beefbot@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 months ago
Mines got a twenty year trail of receipts. The stores keep mailing them to us & it’s the only way we know where he is
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Yeah
But_my_mom_says_im_cool@lemmy.world 3 months ago
I’ve been watching a lot of those documentaries and they are just making me hate the police even more. Most come down to complete ineptitude and ignorance by the police who are ignoring red flags and being lazy idiots
BonesOfTheMoon@lemmy.world 3 months ago
I think if you have a Fitbit or something similar on they can prove where you are?
Agent641@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Just having your phone should do that.
So, so many crimes are solved mainly through phone metadata
Melatonin@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 months ago
Just remember boys and girls, leave your phone at home when you go murder.
kerrypacker@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Yeah they don’t advertise it much but phone warrants are pretty insane these days, they can track the shit out of you.
Death_to_cumskins@lemm.ee 3 months ago
The people who binge those murder shows and podcasts are the same personality of those who love gore images and videos.
Melatonin@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 months ago
And?..
winkerjadams@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 months ago
Your chronically online personality is the perfect alibi via internet history 😎
peteypete420@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
That seems so judgemental, but also sounds logical. Being a judgemental bastard, my only question is, what is a cumskin? It conjures up various imagery and definitions . Do you have to have a foreskin in order to have a cumskin? Do you only want them to lose hearing or is it worse?
Death_to_cumskins@lemm.ee 3 months ago
It’s just a made up word. It doesn’t mean anything
IDKWhatUsernametoPutHereLolol@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 months ago
Shitty Pro Tips:
Turn on Google Maps Location History and act like a “normie”.
Then when you want to do
murdersurprise deprivation of someone’s life, leave your phone at home and use a pre-recorded voice of you that would activate and use the Google/Siri assistant at the same time as when you do the deed.Voila, ez alibi!
1rre@discuss.tchncs.de 3 months ago
Even better, my location history proves I regularly go on 5 hour drives in the middle of the night so it’s not at all out of character that I drove to the middle of the woods where the body was found at 3am
RogueBanana@lemmy.zip 3 months ago
Now you gotta tell us where are you driving to at night. No I am not a fed, I just work in the sunglass store.
bamboo@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 months ago
To be fair, if you’re going to do something really illegal, you shouldn’t bring your phone with you anyway, or at least put it on airplane mode. Even without Google Maps, the cell towers will triangulate your approximate location and time, and it’s basically the first thing police pull if there’s a crime in an area.
You’ll also probably need to make sure you conceal your face as you walk by a million ring doorbell cameras, because those will rat you out and disprove your alibi.
empireOfLove2@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 months ago
I wouldn’t even trust Airplane mode, it can and will still keep GPS active and potentially log it in a way that can be accessed later. You do not truely “own” any modern cellphone.
bdonvr@thelemmy.club 3 months ago
Phones send airtag-like signals when turned completely off nowadays.
IDKWhatUsernametoPutHereLolol@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 months ago
I mean, I’d probably mess up so that why I don’t do crime. Doesn’t matter if its an “honorable” crime like robin hood stuff, I’d most likely just fuck up and lool like a fool, and the government will use my attempt as an excuse to increase surveillance and divert more tax dollars to cops.
I’m just not that type of person, so don’t count on me for any revolutionary acts.
DahGangalang@infosec.pub 3 months ago
Welp, I think the detectives know who to DM when we see a rise of murders in “a few months”
Ulrich@feddit.org 3 months ago
What’s far more likely to happen if you do that is that you get caught up in a dragnet and accused of a crime you haven’t committed because they know you were nearby and need a fall guy.
IDKWhatUsernametoPutHereLolol@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 months ago
Lol, they already know where you are unless you turn on airplane mode every time you leave your house. (Cellular triangulation)