Submitted 1 month ago by Funkwonker@lemmy.blahaj.zone to [deleted]
https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/pictrs/image/167ebfec-0c14-4a38-bb41-1095a01c1fa9.webp
You should know how much time Christian monks spent reasoning about the foreskin of Christ.
It’s a lot.
Long enough to postulate that once the Jesus ascended, his foreskin ascended as well and become. The. Rings. Of. Saturn.
Sky will never be the same, won’t it?
At that point it’s just Greek mythology all over again.
Yeah but with significantly less blackjack and hookers and significantly more foreskins. Cause you didn’t think there was only one foreskin on display for all those pilgrims, did you?
In mormonism if you don’t do their special ceremonies and have multiple wives, you lose your dick for eternity. I leaned that in Sunday school when I was 12 lol.
Mormons theology also pretty much just cuts the Gordian knot proposed in this post by saying, “Fuck yeah he’s got a dick. Uses it ALL THE TIME.” I believe that a “perfected body” was the verbiage I was taught in Sunday School. Tritheistic heresy, Shmitheistic Shmeresy…
Begins pissing in a whirling dervish
Kid: “Then I won’t do the ceremony because I never wanted a dick in the first place.”
Mormons: “No! That’s not how you play the game!”
The weird thing is that a lot of christians (including the Catholic church) affirm that God “the Father” has actually no gender.
Does Jesus have a gender tho? As stated above, Jesus has a fully human body and nature (or else you are deemed a heretic by the council of Chalcedon). He is described as a man and several churches and rulers have historically claimed to hold a piece of his foreskin, so he must’ve had a penis. Therefore:
I know people like to call the holy trinity absurd because of the multiple entities being 1 entity, but I would like to direct your attention to plural people. Holy-trinity-like situations actually occur in real people. Even with different genders.
Technically, you can’t say that He/Him are God’s preferred pronouns because the capitalization doesn’t appear in the oldest texts. They are more a matter of tradition than of reality. However, you could say that’s even worse because Christians have embraced these neopronouns on God’s behalf.
What if He came out as trans in the 19th century and influenced the scholars to change His pronouns through dreams?
I can’t really call something that’s literally as old as writing a “neo-” anything. Non-standard, perhaps?
There’s some interesting conversation about this topic though.
Oh there’s plenty of Christian nationalist men thinking about “divine dick”
Considering how consistently the world gets fucked, yeah, I’d say there’s a divine Dick out there doing all the fucking.
Are earthquakes the planet having an orgasm?
I’m more inclined to call it indigestion…
God never addressed themselves as him/her. They referred to themselves as I am.
There are definitely He pronouns in the bible
And the equivalent of we/us, as I think you’re alluding to.
I wouldn’t call them neopronouns, they’re more like archeopronouns.
That’s it, I’m using He/Him pronouns now.
And I bet when You do this, You’ll expect us all to use the pronouns that You want us to-
Fuck.
Thank you for respecting people like Me.
One of Us! One of Us!
There are several other gods and goddesses named in the old testament, so I’m willing to buy that the Christian god has a dick, and it’s for inserting into goddesses. And given the personality on display by said diety, I’d wager said dick could pass through the eye of a needle and still have room for the camel.
I would love to see the prompt that generated this ChatGPT response.
Captain Kirk: “What does God need with a penis?”
Masturbate while watching you
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
“Well I get bored on my starship, same as you.”
The whole capitalization of pronouns thing was pretty much entirely made up around the 19th century anyway (as well as the capitalizing the word “Lord”, which the King James version invented outright), so you can argue that protestant churches are following a woke plot to change the pronouns of the christian god as well.
As a capitalised pronoun user, I can confirm they’re woke.
I mean it was up in the sky about a month ago. The last time it was visible was apparently in ancient Egypt. If you missed it, to bad. The news said it wouldn’t be visible again until he gets a prostate exam in over a thousand years
The onion is back, baby!
Is God cut or uncut?
Cut due to Jewish tradition of circumcision.
That only applies to humans. So Jesus was certainly cut (and uncontroversially), but if God the Father has genitalia, he may not be; same for the holy ghost.
Now I’m wondering if God has a belly button….cause that would imply an umbilical cord
Nah, that would be silly.
God is more like a platypus. No nipples or bellybutton (but could surely produce milk if they felt like it), venomous, and hatched from an egg.
OR an unbiblical cord?
According to Mormons, god is literally male, with (perfect) male genitalia. There is also a god–the-mother, who is female, and is both secret and sacred (they really don’t like talking about her), and also utterly subservient to god the father, because of course she is. According to Mormon theology, both gods were once mortal, and were raised up to godhood by their godly parents; Mormons–if they’re good enough–can go to Mormon super-heaven, where they will also become gods in their own right. Before everyone was born physically, they were born spiritually, in… More or less the same way babies are born now, except in heaven, to a heavenly mom. And there were hundreds of billions of spirit babies, so I guess that god the dad and god the mom really like sex or something? The implications start getting really, really weird, very fast. Which is part of the reason why Mormons don’t usually want to talk about stuff like this with people that aren’t Mormon.
I believe that the quote is, “As man is, so once was god. As god is, so man can become,” or something like that.
Source: was Mormon for >25 years.
Congrats for getting out I guess?
To paraphrase Nietzsche, that which doesn’t kill you psychologically scars you and leaves you with a lifetime of therapy bills.
If you ask about gender in death, people will just look at you weird.
There’s compounding evidence that a lot of religious canon was simply written by mankind as a kind of societal control.
The living should be kinder to one another.
💙
Not Mormons.
After death, men get their own planet to rule over. Women… get to be their wives.
Societal control is the name of the game, friend.
You see, god stoked his divine dick and then, there came a big bang and billions of galaxy came out of the ejaculated foam.
This is excellent:
If God has no cock, then being male doesn’t need a cock to be real.
If he has a cock, then does he only use it to pee? Or does he use it to both pee and fuck? Does that mean he had sexual relations with a minor who was also married already?
Does the Trinity have a cock? Or is it only the father or is it only the son? You can clearly see that the son had a cock. But did he keep it as a ghost cock? Do they have 3 different cocks? Or do they share a cock?
Since they supposedly are virgin, do they have to jack off? Do they jack off at the same time? Or does one have to hide somewhere to jack off? Or are they okay just jacking off in front of the others?
What do they pee? If you take a shower in god pee, do you smell good? Or bad?
And why all these questions about pee anyway…how about poo? Is God poo good or bad? If it’s bad, doesn’t that mean that God has bad things inside of him? Does that mean they gotta eat something? What do they eat? Can we eat it too? How come God let’s people die of hunger if he has a source of God food?
Pretty sure the official position in most sects, including Catholicism, is that God is not “male”, but singular male pronouns are nevertheless the only “correct” pronouns for “Him”.
Well the church is Christ’s bride so we can only assume it’s going to get dicked down.
God created both men and women in his image, so he must have biological gender traits from both.
Divine full-package futanari confirmed
Intersex God!!! That implies intersex people are divine! Now if only Christians would stop trying to “fix” God’s most divine creations…
I can follow this, up to
they are neopronouns
I believe that that’s a decision made by translators of the bible. Hebrew doesn’t have lowercase letters, and the Greek versions of the New Testament that I found don’t capitalize as much. And are they distinct?
Yeah, it’s more of an act of reverence or deference. However, it is a pronoun (cis-gendered, and preferred) which some people believe never occurs in the Bible.
I would assume since gods are omnipotent, their dicks are always the perfect size for the situation. Or perhaps they are inconceivably huge. Since they seem to like swinging them around so much.
Pronouns? God don’t need no stinking pronouns. God got dick.
We assume omnipotence from Gods but it’s not wholly true. Most gods out in the world of myth are limited in their reach and ability. If they are in a pantheon then often that implies that they have no direct power over each other and thus they are not all powerful.
Interestingly omnicence or omnipresence is not something claimed even by the monotheistic religions. No God is actually all seeing. Plenty of times in script things have been hidden from God or something has to be told to God to bring it to his attention.
This has nothing to do with his dick persay… Just the assumption of omnipotence. If the Christian God exists he coulda just be lying about what he’s capable of and what human is gunna be able to check the math? Guy seems like the kind of dick who would pull that shit.
The gods were omnipotent to humans, not always so much to other gods perhaps. In polytheistic religions the pantheon was often comprised of siblings of some sort. But the top god, like Zeus or Odin, where all seeing and all knowing if they wanted to be. But they often did didn’t really care that much as long as they were fat and happy.
Want to know why life is always fucking you? If God has a dick, his dick would be omnipresent therefore you’re constantly being dicked by God.
Can god sling a dick so big even he can’t rub one out?
I thought that’s where the biblically accurate angels come into play?
I think this is very relevant to this discussion youtu.be/qUb0JnEsOHQ
I was thinking of the exact same video.
Fu̇nilı inu̇f, ð Moṙmėnz ƿᵫd hæv ð lıſt tceu̇bėl ƿið ðiſ ƿėn. Ðıṙ vṙjėn v ð greıtṙ ſpıritcuėl wṙld hæz ė hevenlı mėðṙ tu. Ėkoṙdıŋ t Knowing Better, C’z n ſupṙ impoṙtent, b ð Moṙmėnz þıŋk it’ſ nuıſ t no C’z aut ðeıṙ.
Funnily enough, the Mormons would have the least trouble with this one. Their version of the greater sporitual world has a heavenly mother too. According to Knowing Better, she’s not super important, but the Mormons think it’s nice to know she’s out there.
*Hits the Blessed Waterpipe of Panaji*
Under Trinitarianism, God would be a they/them, because they’re literally several people.
According to the common understanding of the doctrine of virgin birth, Mary got impregnated through the Holy Spirit rather than The Father rawdogging her. This suggests that the Holy Spirit is a dick and thus probably male.
The Father is, according to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, not a man or a woman. That being said, neither Hebrew nor Aramaic nor Koine Greek have gender-neutral pronouns (except perhaps calling The Father “it” in Koine Greek, which would be hilarious but sadly would not be approved of by a killjoy like Paul).
kryptonianCodeMonkey@lemmy.world 1 month ago
I don’t think He/Him are neopronouns as the prefix neo- means new. Surely his would be old (paleopronouns), or timeless (aeternuspronouns), rather than new
RandomVideos@programming.dev 1 month ago
Relative to eternity, the invention of the english language is pretty new
Grail@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Out of curiosity, would you say My pronouns are neopronouns? I use capitalised pronouns too. And I’m also a god. Not a capital-G god, just a regular polytheistic kind. Does the acceptance of our current society play a role in whether they’re neopronouns? Are they new when I use them, and old when Deus uses them?
ayyy@sh.itjust.works 1 month ago
You need serious help
kryptonianCodeMonkey@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Newness is the quality of having been recently created or having started existing recently. The deific pronouns surely came before the standard canon of human/mortal pronouns, just as their subject deities predate humanity, perhaps both having always existed. It doesn’t have anything to do with societal acceptance.