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The Woke Veggie Tale Leftists Won't Tell You About This One

⁨276⁩ ⁨likes⁩

Submitted ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/8900d711-3874-4c68-8f32-cbd10ac94934.png

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  • BananaOnionJuice@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    And she gave birth to her firstborn son; and she wrapped Him in the stars and stripes, and laid Him in the bed of the truck, because there was no room for them in the holiday inn.

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    • burgermeister@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Savior at the hotel, motel, holiday Inn

      And then they went to the combination pizza hut and taco bell

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    • Peppycito@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Then Joseph put some miles on it, for blessed are the child diddlers.

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    • pumpupthejam@piefed.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Gold? Frankincense? Myrrh?

      More like vape pen, monster, and meth.

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  • PeriodicallyPedantic@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Ah yes, the Mississippi, the only river with 9 tributaries in the world. Of course.

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    • RizzRustbolt@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Brazil is nothing but lies straight from the mouth of Satan.

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    • Wizard_Pope@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Honestly even the fucking Sava river had more than 7 before it even leaves Slovenia (small country).

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  • fonix232@fedia.io ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Yeah.

    And Moses split the Gulf of California to deliver his people to the promised land... Baja California.

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    • dan69@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      That explains what we have Baja Blast today!!!

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      • qarbone@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

        I always knew it to be a celestial elixir

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      • maturelemontree@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

        And that, my children, is why we celebrate Easter.

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    • Trex202@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Image

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      • Spezi@feddit.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

        Image

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  • deegeese@sopuli.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Obviously the answer is Jesus was in North America, Joseph Smith was right, and Matthew Mark Luke and John were a bit confused.

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    • panda_abyss@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Thank Leif Erickson for bringing Christianity back to Europe and the Middle East, then going back in time and having his father Eric the Red build the first church in Greenland

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  • blkvvvs@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Image

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  • abbiistabbii@piefed.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    The idea of Americans believing the bible actually took place in the USA is the most American thing I can imagine.

    Also, counterpoint: The Bible actually took place in Scotland, specifically in an around the Forth. Here are my arguments:

    • The Forth has more than seven tributries, including (but not limited to) The Leven, The Esk, The Water of Leith, the Almond, The Avon, and The Carron.
    • Scotland was actually, provably, occupied by the Romans and still has Roman remains.
    • Splitting the sea at the Inchgarvie Narrows makes more sense than splitting the Red sea.
    • The Islands of the Forth are full of Hermitages, and Inchcolm has a Abbey, why? BECAUSE THEY KNEW!!!
    • The Temple was built on a mount and surrounded by walls? St Margaret’s Chapel is on a mount surrounded by walls. Ergo; Edinburgh Castle is the actual site of The Temple!
    • America has had no Presidents called “David”, but Scotland has had two.

    COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT!

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    • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      You should start a podcast

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    • hypeerror@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      You know all the depictions of Jesus do look a lot more like a Scotsman than someone from Jerusalem.

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    • MonkderVierte@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Americans believing the bible actually took place in the USA

      Wait, they do?

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  • gh0stcassette@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Damn, I guess every so often someone independently invents Mormonism lmao

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    • derfunkatron@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      The Garden of Eden is in Missouri!

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  • xistera@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Kinda related: The mormons believe that the garden of Eden was where Independence, Missouri is now… and everything resettled in the Middle East after the flood.

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    • nightwatch_admin@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      All readers of Robert Rankin know that the true Garden of Eden was in Brentford

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    • nickiwest@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      When I started reading the post, I honestly expected it to end with …“and that’s why the Mormons are right about Eden being in Missouri.”

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  • ThirdConsul@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Okay, the first problem is that the Bible does not say that Nile has 7 tributaries.

    It says that (a different river, likely Euphrates), will get smashed into 7.

    The second problem is everything else.

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  • Polyphilic@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    What do leftists have to so with the Bible?

    Also 2000 years ago river systems were different.

    This is real dumb

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    • m0darn@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      What does this post have to do with leftists?

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      • Polyphilic@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

        That’s what im trying to find out

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    • fyzzlefry@retrolemmy.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Wait, this isn’t a bit?

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      • Polyphilic@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

        I mean, OP is the one saying leftists, ask them

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  • imadethis@fedinsfw.app ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    The fuck is a tributary? Because there are way more rivers than just those seven that drain to the mississippi. Wikipedia even says that tributaries include streams, and good lord I know even the tiniest of rivers will have many streams feeding it. Declaring a certain size of river/water body to be a tributary is just fucking around with numbers to prove your point.

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    • Treczoks@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      It is a question of major tributaries. Depending how one defines “major”, about any number is possible. You can probably claim the Mississippi has one major tributary: the Missouri. Or you can claim it has hundreds, of your “major” definition is “mapped running water”.

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  • anon_8675309@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Does that make the chosen people the Appalachian Hillbillies?

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    • some_kind_of_guy@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      That tracks

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  • hanrahan@slrpnk.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    so, this is what they mean by AI hallucinations?

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  • mkwt@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    The Atchafalaya is a distributary, not a tributary.

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    • Grostleton@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Also it has way more than 7, those are just the major ones.

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  • TheTechnician27@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    All I know for sure is that Atlantis was in Iowa.

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  • wuffah@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    “The Bible says…” Stop. There’s your problem right there.

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    • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      It’s been in there for 6000 years. If it was wrong, someone would have corrected it by now

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      • icelimit@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

        The Bible wasn’t written 6000 years ago. It posits that history began 6000 years ago.

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      • luthis@lemmy.nz ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

        That’s a huge over estimation, but yes

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      • wuffah@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

        I wouldn’t say it “wrong” so much as it is fantasy literature. Looking to the Bible for geography is like reading The Lord of the Rings to figure out where the Colorado river is.

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  • weps@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    yes, they sold the greatest lie in history and were very successful with it

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  • FrChazzz@lemmus.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    There’s a guy who long maintained that the Garden of Eden is found near the Florida panhandle and there’s a park to commemorate this.

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    • sartalon@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      The Mormons believe it was in present day Missouri.

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  • Thunderbird4@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    And did those feet
    In ancient times
    Walk upon Kentucky’s mountains green?

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  • thefloweracidic@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Why are so many people taking a shitpost so seriously, some of ya’ll have watched wayyyyy too much Woke Veggie Tales

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  • IrateAnteater@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    You know, I was watching a video theorizing that the Odyssey and the Iliad were assembled from a bunch of older stories, and that a couple of those journeys went across the Atlantic. If someone like the ancient Macedonians made it across, the Old Testament stories could also be incorporating information about North America.

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    • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      the Odyssey and the Iliad were assembled from a bunch of older stories

      Very possible

      and that a couple of those journeys went across the Atlantic

      Total bullshit

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      • IrateAnteater@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

        Probably, but not as insane as you might first think. We already know the Vikings managed it, and in the Pacific, many islands were populated by people who didn’t have anywhere near the ships that the Mediterranean civilizations had, and yet covered distances just as far as you would have to cross if you were taking the northern route across the Atlantic.

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    • SwingingTheLamp@piefed.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      It was the Minoans. Well, at least there’s an argument to be made. The time and place match well for stories of such journeys to make it into the Iliad and the Odyssey.

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  • socsa@piefed.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Christianity loses basically all of its real historical context if you remove the Roman context. But that’s kind of on brand for evangelicals who seem to think that “faith” is only pure when the conjecture defies all logic, reason and external information.

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    • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Christianity loses basically all of its real historical support if you remove the Roman context.

      Given how much of the ancient world we know about because preserved Roman texts mentioned it, that’s not surprising.

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  • Pyr_Pressure@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    How do they determine the beginning of a river? Should it be the furthest point of something? Why isn’t the Missouri River the “Mississippi” and the remaining portion of the Mississippi north of that junction the Missouri instead?

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    • DeadDigger@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      In Europe you often have either 2 rivers forming a new one or the bigger one eats the smaller one

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    • jambudz@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Historical exploration mostly. It’s very often referred to as the Mississippi-Missouri River in a general context

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  • s@piefed.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    Chat, is the premise of this man’s argument true?

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  • whereitsat@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    jesus said it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God. i wasn’t willing to make this journey myself but i tried to put a grasshopper through the eye of a needle and i ended up impaling it through the forehead and the rest of the needle came straight out its ass.

    i’m currently on a quest to figure out where john the baptist’s head is buried.

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  • waitingtech@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

    If this is true shouldn’t all the MAGGATs give up their land to Zionists?

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    • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago

      Israel has given settler rights to newly converted South Africa white migrants. Zionism is just a state of mind, man. Anyone (white) can do it.

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