My mom tells me I should cut dad off for cheating on her, am I a bad person for not wanting to do so?

Submitted ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨ravigoter@jlai.lu⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant. Huge scandal; mom was very angry. Now they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings. Mom moved out, the other woman moved in and I chose to stay with him because we’re super close; he’s like my best friend. Now mom’s telling me to go and live with her and go no contact with him cause he’s a bad person and by continuing having a relationship with him I’m condoning his actions and “ignoring her suffering”. My relationship with my dad hasn’t changed, I don’t see why I should end it.

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whaleross@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Your dad cheated on your mum, not on you.

Everything involving humans is more complex and complicated than it might seem at first glance.

Everybody makes mistakes, even your loved ones.

You only have one dad, so it’s better to forgive them. (I didn’t forgive mine for other mistakes, and that was my mistake. Now I’m old and he is dead and that’s that.)

Your mum is being selfish and manipulative because she is afraid and hurting. It’s not right what she is doing, but see the points above for her as well.

Life is hard and unfair and difficult for everybody. For your dad, for your mum and also for you. It sucks when you’re stuck in the middle of other people’s problems, but remember all of this will pass. And remember to take care of yourself.

Hugs my dude. You’ll get through this and so will they.
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- UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  There’s a bit of difference between making a mistake and stabbing your partner in the back. He could have done it the right way, but he chose to do one of the most emotional hurtful things you can do.
  
  He betrayed family to get laid
  
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  - whaleross@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Point number 2. Read it again.
    
    As of why, we can only speculate. Sometimes a disaster is what is required to get things happening that should have been over a long time ago.
    
    They are living together already, so it was not only to get laid.
    
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- Venus_Ziegenfalle@feddit.org ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  I agree with almost everything you said except 4. is only true for past mistakes. I don’t think you should excuse ongoing, genuinely harmful behaviours just because that person will be gone one day. Not that I necessarily think that’s what you meant but I wanted to emphasise it.
  
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  - whaleross@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Absolutely. That post was not a list of commandments. It was intended as support for OP in this very moment that they are having a crisis.
    
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- Alxe@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Honestly, I’m very happy that your post has the highest score.
  
  All other people are spewing vitriol over either parent and not even trying to be understanding. Life is about making and learning from mistakes, and mistakes can be oh-so-horrible at times. Character value is measured by how well you navigate the stormy waves, and there’s almost never a single correct choice.
  
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  - UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    One choice is helping a faithful parent grieve, the other is to say fuck you to that person and stand by a cheater.
    
    Such a difficult choice.
    
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  - whaleross@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Thanks. Yeah, anything relationship oriented tends to become completely and binary moral high ground burn all bridges and salt the earth from people that have no stake in it except to have a short moment of hormones pumping before they scroll to the next bit of entertainment.
    
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- Mrkawfee@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  This is a wise response.
  
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morphballganon@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Your Mom is hurting and lashing out.

You don’t need to fight her battles for her. But you can support her by spending time with her. If she doesn’t appreciate that, you can stop.

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scarabic@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Your choice, as you’ve presented them, are so extreme. Cut your dad off forever and move out, or… do nothing?

Let’s set your mom’s demands aside for a second. Do you have any reaction to him cheating on his wife? How do you feel about that?

You should act based on how you feel about it. And if your mom is incredibly wounded by it, that can absolutely be a factor in how you feel.

I’d think that cheating on your mom should have SOME effect on you. You say your relationship with him hasn’t changed. Is that true? Or is it only true in comparison to your mom’s extreme demands?

Basically, stop playing this like it’s all black or all white and realize that you have a million ways to react to this situation in the middle somewhere.

You’re not a bad person for not moving out immediately. You actually might be a bad person if you have absolutely no problem with the cheating. But you can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad.

You can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad. That seemed worth saying twice.

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Cypher@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
The demand for no contact is extreme and controlling behaviour and not something I would agree with based on the information provided.

Marriage breakdowns happen, by itself that isn’t a reason to ruin a parent-child relationship.

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- Yermaw@lemm.ee ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Yeah i can see wanting to do it of your own volition, my brother went the same way, but having one parent ask that of you is something else.
  
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- jeffw@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  It’s extreme if it continues. Lashing out emotionally in response to being hurt isnt that crazy.
  
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mic_check_one_two@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
No. Your mom is hurt, and probably feeling betrayed from multiple fronts. First from her husband having the affair, and now from you choosing to stay with him. But that doesn’t make her words accurate, nor does it make them acceptable.

She actually needs to be really careful in how she brooches the subject going forward, because this is a clear cut attempt at parental alienation. It’s a big issue in divorce proceedings; If one parent tries to alienate the child(ren) from the other, then the courts can step in and use that against the offending parent in the divorce.

Basically, courts recognize that divorce brings out the worst in people, and they don’t want children being caught in the middle or used as weapons/leverage. If it gets too bad, the court will even appoint a lawyer specifically for you/any siblings, whose entire focus is on your wellbeing. Because the court basically recognizes that during divorce, chances are very good that the parents will act out of spite instead of the child(ren)’s best interest. So to protect the kids, the court essentially appoints a lawyer to represent the kids.

That lawyer isn’t focused on which parent gets the bigger slice of the assets, or who pays alimony, except to determine how that would affect your living conditions. All that lawyer does is fight for your best interest. And when it comes time to decide who you stay with, your opinion does factor into it. They’ll weigh your opinion more heavily if you’re older, but it does play a large part in who ends up being your primary guardian.

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- KeenFlame@feddit.nu ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  What a dope mom, congrats
  
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Sentau@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
OP you have given us way little information. How was your parents marriage before this blow up? Were you not close with your mother before? You mention you are close with your father but nothing about mother. Also were you upset or angry by the actions of your father? From the information you have shared (that you are staying with your dad and his mistress), it seems that you are not bothered by what is happening.

Now based on the limited information you have given, your father is clearly the guilty party here. He did something that is morally wrong. Hopefully you understand that. Your mom is very hurt and must feeling betrayed (slightly even by you because you chose to stay with your dad and his mistress). In that emotional state, she is making a unreasonable request to you (to go no contact with your dad). If you want a good relationship with mom, you will have sit down with her and reach an understanding and compromise with her. Maybe you can go to therapy with her like some other commenters suggested. One thing I am sure about is that if you side with father on everything, you will end up estranged from your mom.

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- ravigoter@jlai.lu ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Their marriage was always hot and cold. I never had a great relationship with my mom. She’s a very judgemental/cold person. She hated my feminine behaviour/preferences growing up and still does and used to berate me for that. She didn’t support me when I came out as gay. My dad always supported me. In a way, I’m glad their marriage finally broke down. Life at home is so nice and peaceful now without her around.
  
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  - barneypiccolo@lemm.ee ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Stick to your guns OP. People here are judging your Dad for cheating, but it sounds like your Mom has been actively alienating everyone around her for years. People who make life difficult for those around them will eventually find themselves alone. People eventually stop dealing with their bullshit, and move on in life. It sounds like you and your Dad decided to move in a less stressful, more fulfilling direction. He found love, and you found peace, while your Mom wants to continue sowing discord, drama, and chaos in your lives. I don’t blame you for rejecting her efforts, and choosing peace.
    
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  - Cenzorrll@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Sounds like this is a no brainer to me. I’m a step parent to a brilliant kid who’s father is a complete narcissist, and I’ll tell you this, if a parent tells you to dislike the other parent, don’t trust them without evidence. Make your own decision, and listen to the parent that let’s you make it. A caveat is that a better parent probably won’t tell you all of the bad things they’ve had to deal with, and it’s important to remember that everyone is human and makes mistakes.
    
    It’s ok to have a relationship with both parents, and it sounds like you know which parent to trust. That doesn’t mean you need to cut your mom out of your life, you just get to have a different kind of relationship with her. I’m a fan of honesty, if either parent does something you don’t like, tell them so and ask them to stop. If they won’t, you’ve got a real good answer as to who you want to spend your time with.
    
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  - kwedd@feddit.nl ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    
    She hated my feminine behaviour/preferences growing up and still does and used to berate me for that. She didn’t support me when I came out as gay.
    
    So she never accepted you as you are and didn’t support you when you needed her most? Your dad’s no saint, but if I were in your position, I’d sooner end contact with my mother than my father.
    
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  - Sentau@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Well if the that is case, there is no reason to compromise with your mom. Being with your dad is the way better option for you (since he loves you and you love him) and maybe it is the best option for everybody involved.
    
    Still I hope you understand that at some level what your dad did was morally wrong. Irrespective how crappy things were, the correct order would have been to seek divorce before hooking up/dating somebody else. Learn from the mistake he made.
    
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  - daggermoon@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    I’m very sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’m glad you have a father who accepts you for who you are.
    
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  - YesButActuallyMaybe@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    What I realized way too late is that my parents are human and humans are inherently stupid. They got their fucked up understanding of how relationships should work from their fucked up parents. You are an adult and you can make your own independent decisions, don’t let anyone power play you into feeling like an obedient child.
    
    Some people are only meant to be together for so long and if the outcome of that relationship is you then it was worth it? Now move on and do something you like
    
    Your mom needs therapy
    
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Aussieiuszko@aussie.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Mate, first off he’s not your best friend.

Could anyone here imagine if their friends did something so horrible to their mother like this? I wouldn’t fucking go hang out with them afterwards, like fuck he’s your friend.

He is your father, and apparently a terrible one if this is the life lessons he wants to impart on his son that it’s okay to be an immature fuck and cheat over get a divorce.

Cutting him off 100% doesn’t sound right, but you have clearly chosen his side and to stand by him despite how wrong it is — you’re going to have to work hard to make up for your poor choice.

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- liverbe@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  You can’t immediately call dad a horrible person. We only know one side of the story. Maybe mom was cheating too? Maybe mom was abusive? Maybe this marriage was over years ago and they stayed together for the kid?
  
  He needs to tell each parent he’s not taking sides and loves them both. People make mistakes and can be forgiven.
  
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  - UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    This person likes victim blaming
    
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- RowRowRowYourBot@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  He is their father. If they currently have a healthy relationship with their parents why should they ruin that just to have their mother’s back in this? That sounds like a great way to become sadabout this in the future.
  
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- wellheh@lemmy.sdf.org ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Why are you suddenly deciding that being with his father is a bad choice? We literally know nothing about whether he’s a good dad- it is possible to be a good parent and provider and a bad husband. No matter what happens in his parents relationship, both will still be his parents and it’s the parents’ job to sort it out. What we do know here is that his mom is absolutely a red flag- you do NOT manipulate your children into taking sides in a divorce. The parents should be there to support their children and not the other way around.
  
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some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
You’re fine. Your mom has legitimate pain but she’s no right to pressure you to end your relationship with your dad.

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steeznson@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
You should do whatever you want to. Don’t let your mother guilt trip you into cutting off a family member due to beef she has with him (regardless of whether it’s justified).

It’s frustrating to hear about parents treating their children like pawns in a break-up. I can see the temptation but it’s extremely unfair. Regardless of what people will tell you on lemmy/reddit losing contact with a parent is not a normal thing, even if some people have cut off their family members in extreme circumstances.

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LordWiggle@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Your mom shouldn’t use you in the fight with your dad. This is something which happens often, but ends up traumatizing the child.

No matter the fight they have, they should always be there for you as a parent and leave their stuff between them. You are not a pawn, you’re their kid. She’s your mother, he’s your father and nothing is going to change that.

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swordgeek@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
I have very very little respect for people who cheat in a marriage instead of getting out; but it is clearly not your mom’s choice to make.

If you’re closer to your dad, then stay with him. Explain to your mom that you’re not trying to attack her, but choosing your own well-being first (as you should).

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Chee_Koala@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
My dad tried this same trick and wanted to influence my relationship with my mom (who had an affair). I told him I understand his feelings but that he could never talk that way to me again or I would cut him out of my life immediately. This is my mom you’re talking about.

I can’t have other folks then myself decide who I interact with. It’s not like I’m taking sides or feel great about her actions, but I wasn’t gonna stop seeing her because it hurts someone else.

I never was that direct with my parents before, but it felt like if that line would be crossed it would all come crumbling down.

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2ugly2live@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
I don’t think it’s wrong for you to want a relationship with your dad, but it is weird that you kind of brush over the cheating. Your father had an affair, does that not affect you? You don’t even look at him a little different? Do you not understand why your mom is lashing out or why she’s as hurt as she is? Again, I do not think her request is reasonable, but this woman, from what I’m getting from the post, was cheated on, publicly enough that it was a big scandal, lost her husband, her home, and her son. While everyone is having a great time with the mistress, she’s seemingly alone with no one in her corner telling her how what she went through was hurtful and offering her some comfort. You’re like, “he’s my best friend, so I don’t really care, him cheating on my mother didn’t change anything to me, it’s not like he cheated on me.”

Relationships are complicated. I don’t know what your relationship with your mom is, but if she wasn’t abusive and you do have some affection for her (even if she isn’t your best friend), I would talk to her. Both of you should explain how you’re feeling. Maybe she wants you with her because she thinks you like being around her as much as she likes being around you, maybe she thinks you two are closer than you actually are, or maybe she’s nuts and is making one final attempt to control. But your mom as seemingly lost everything important to her by putting her foot down against cheating while everyone is like, “finally, she’s gone. Just swap her out with a younger version.” I don’t know a lot of people who wouldn’t be hurt by that.

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lurch@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
I think you should consider your mom is very hurt right now and my be overreacting by pulling you into the fight because of that. However, a cheater isn’t a good role model and neither is the destroyer of marriages. She got that right.

IMO you should suggest a compromise, like staying with him, but berating him and his mistress from time to time and should also be transparent about it, so they know it’s due punishment and a compromise for not leaving him.

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FistingEnthusiast@lemmynsfw.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Most of the advice here has been good, apart from one person

You don’t know the details of your parents’ relationship. You don’t know how they behaved when you weren’t there

Life is never black-and-white. This isn’t condoning cheating, it’s an acknowledgement that it’s very simple to say what’s right and wrong when you are on the outside

What’s shit is that you are being put in the middle

The problem is between your mother and father and neither of them should expect you to take a side, but once again, life is messy and hurt people do things in their anger and frustration that aren’t rational or reasonable

Time definitely helps, and things can take years to settle, if they ever do

It’s unfair for you to be used as a pawn in their game. People who make demands and try to squeeze you with a “you’re with me, or you’re against me” aren’t looking out for you, they’re looking out for themselves

No child should be weaponised.

If you can handle the conflict, or potentially messy details, you can ask her why she expects you to abandon your father. She might come to realise what an unfair position she’s putting you in

Either way, good luck, and remember that it’s easy to judge, but there’s a lot of truth in the old saying about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes

Kia kaha

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- UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  The problem with this ~~dicks~~ fine persons arguement is your choosing sides either way. Its unfortunate but true. And do you want to stand on the side of the person who didn’t cheat, or the one who did
  
  Inaction is still an action
  
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  - TheDoozer@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    One side it trying to force them to choose a side. It is up to adults to say “this is between us, and our relationship doesn’t change your relationships.”
    
    OP could be very supportive of their mother and still not want to move out of the home they already lived in. But it doesn’t sound like the mom wants to let OP do that.
    
    Also, from their other comments, their father has been more supportive through their life while their mom has been cold and judgemental. Trying to force her child into a position whete they are expected to mete out judgement as well just emphasizes that they aren’t terribly concerned with the well-being of their child.
    
    And anyway, if you want support, you should give support. And OPs mom missed that boat, so it makes sense for OP to stay with the parent who supported them.
    
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vxx@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
I get that she is hurt. To make you end your relationship with your dad is still toxic.

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snausagesinablanket@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Don’t let her use you as leverage.

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Freshparsnip@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
What your dad did was wrong and it’s understandable your mom would want to end her relationship with him, however that is between them and you should not have to end your relationship with him over it

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KeenFlame@feddit.nu ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
I don’t get how nothing changed for you? Maybe you’re next if a hot new son comes along? Anyway, ofc she shouldn’t demand that but it’s totally understandable when you’ve been betrayed by your family. Really, go to her. She doesn’t choose, but your dad is a major asshole that isn’t honest with his closest people. It’s not good for you to absorb that kind of life. It will punish you your entire life. Yeah. I’m giving you my opinion. You don’t need to do what your mom says, but if you don’t take care of her now she could be ruined forever. I don’t know you, but I know that you deserve a better role model than someone that isn’t man enough to admit he likes a younger girl. Also probably get you therapy. It is more important now than ever probably, and make sure your mom does too if she doesn’t flip back. I’m not saying don’t talk to dad anymore, but jesus christ he’s got a new kid to be with, and you just got a job. I don’t know your age but not stepping up now could be much more devastating than maturing too early. Just trust. People with no respect for themselves will never respect you and vice versa. You make tour own reality.

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lath@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
My bad advice for this situation would be for you to start planning on pursuing the mindset for independent living.

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Zerlyna@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
I feel you. I went through a similar ordeal 30 years ago with my dad. You should not be in the middle. It’s your parents business about their marriage. Therapy is good suggestion from others.

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kwedd@feddit.nl ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
A good mother will prioritize the wellbeing of her children over winning a conflict with her (ex) partner. It is completely unfair of her to ask you to pick a side or go no contact with your father. Hopefully she’ll realize this once she’s had some time to process her (understandable) emotions. In the mean time, best of luck to you!

NGL, IMO your dad sounds like kind of a piece of shit (based on the limited information available to me). However, at the end of the day he is still your father and it’s not your job to punish him for that. That’s your mother’s lawyer’s job.

Be there for your mother if you feel up to it (and you love her), but keep in mind that it’s a parent’s job to emotionally support their children, not the other way around.

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- Aussieiuszko@aussie.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  And what would a good father do champ?
  
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  - kwedd@feddit.nl ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Tell his son or daughter that he made a mistake, and there right thing to do, assuming the relationship was untenable, would’ve been to end things with his wife before pursuing someone else.
    
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MeekerThanBeaker@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
I am not a therapist. I’m guessing most people on Lemmy are not. Take anyone’s advice with a grain of salt… including this.

People make mistakes. It’s human nature for men to seek younger women because they are supposed to be more fertile. It’s human nature for women to seek older men because they are supposed to be more mature and protective.

However, that’s just thousands of years of basic instincts. We’re more educated now. We are supposed to behave like advanced creatures, go beyond our primal thinking.

That said, if you have a good relationship with your dad, don’t break ties simply because of his infidelity. Learn from his mistakes. Maybe help him understand what he did wrong. Your mom is angry because he broke a promise, a vow. She wants you on her side because she is angry with him and wants to punish him for it.

I don’t know your mom or dad or their relationship. Maybe she was a perfect saint or maybe she was cold and manipulative. Either way, he shouldn’t have chosen someone else before their relationship ended. It’s just not right to hide something like that.

Typically, a man choosing a younger woman over their wife tends not to think with their brain, but with their lust. He could very well do it again in five ten years with someone younger.

Your mom shouldn’t force you to choose, but you should definitely have some empathy for her on how their bond was broken. She is in pain. She trusted him and he failed her.

Hopefully, you will find some sort of compromise and balance. It may take time for her to understand. A long, honest talk might help the two of you get to that point.

Best of luck.

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ComradePenguin@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
People sometimes cheat, not okay, but it happens. Most likely the marriage wasn’t going so well, and he got some attention he wanted from someone else. Your mother is hurt and angry. But she does not have the right to deny your continued contact and bond with your dad.

There is no good reason mentioned in your post to end your relationship with your dad to end.

However, how the divorce is handled is more important in my opinion. If he in some major way makes sure she gets a bad unfair deal, then things are different. If he not only cheats, but also does not share in a fair manner, then he is really hurting your mother in a way that is harder to accept.

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andrewta@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Tell your mom you and her need to go to a therapist. Maybe a therapist can help to figure out how to move forward. Then tell your dad the same thing.

Maybe some of what was going on behind the scene will come out.

No one on lemmy will be able to give you a good idea of what to do or how to move forward.

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SaneMartigan@aussie.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
You shouldn’t cut him on on behalf of your mother. Maybe I’m projecting here because I’ve got a shitty dad, but I reckon your dad’ll give you a reason of your own to cut him off soon enough. He’s starting a new family with the affair partner and doesn’t have time for you? The new affair partner doesn’t like that you call her the “cheating slag” on your weekends with dad. Really there are plenty of reasons likely to pop up, no need to use your mothers excuse.

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timewarp@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
No you’re not wrong for wanting to keep your dad in your life. Any reputable family counselor would say your mom shouldn’t be asking you to pick a side. Your mom does need support though, but it isn’t your job. What your dad did sounds really hurtful to her, as it would be for most people. Maybe he is your best friend, but being a parent is more than being a friend. It means being a role model & wanting to teach things like honesty & respect, especially for the people you’re supposed to love.

Has your dad offered to pay for counseling for you to process these things & talk to a professional about? It sounds like you could probably use it. I don’t know how old you are, but given that you’re asking the question here & the way you’re asking leads me to believe you’d be much better off talking to a professional about it.

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- ryedaft@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Eh, you should support your family. The dad fell in love with someone else and now OPs parents are splitsville. It’s not fair to ask that OP cuts dad off but OP should try living 7/7 days with their parents if at all practically possible. OPs mom is going through so much grief right now - ignoring that is cruel.
  
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UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
You staying with your dad, at least in your mom’s eyes, is you choosing the new chick over her also.

And if thats what you want to do, so be it. But you’re actively choosing another woman over your mother.

Think of it like this: Someone was caught doing x. X being any deplorable act you wanna fit in there. Let’s say being racist to the point of violence.

Said member of that race who you’ve hung out with comes to you, tells you what happened, and asks you not continue hanging with said person or else they’re going to deem you racist too.

Although you don’t have any racist views, and although that person has never been racist to you since your not that “undesirable” race, you continuing the relationship puts you in the racist category.

You could stop the relationship although it hurts. And in doing so you may even help the person learn the errors of thier ways, or atleast the consequences of their actions.

Or you can say nothing and allow the racist tyrad to continue.

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- ValiantDust@feddit.org ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  You can turn this around as well. Their mom asking them to stop having contact with their father is her choosing to take away their father from them. If that’s what she wants to do…
  
  Children should not be pulled into the relationship problems of their parents. The parents are the ones who chose to have a child together, they are the ones who have to deal with the consequences of that.
  
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  - UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    I’m just trying to give the mothers perspective. I know nothing else about these people besides one is willing to throw away the love and trust of someone they’re supposed to be closest with for their own selfish gain.
    
    What caused that to happen I can’t speak for.
    
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  - Aussieiuszko@aussie.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    And the dad is the one who bought those relationship problems to move in with his son.
    
    The dad has 100% already pulled his son into this before the mother ever said anything.
    
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Grimy@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Why is your mom the one that moved out? Also, the affaire partner moved in?

He’s your best friend, so you three like hang out and watch movies together as a new family while your mom sulks in an appartment alone?

Not only does your dad suck but so do you. Maybe one day, you will get cheated on and understand the betrayal it feels like. Hopwfully, you wont have children to drive the knife in even deeper. Relationships are suppose to change with a parent who has an affaire, it’s abnormal not to be angry at what he did to your mother.

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- al_Kaholic@lemmynsfw.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  What an odd thing for an adult to say. I feel bad for you, do you get mad at the tv as well? Life isn’t a reality show and people’s emotions are not logical. Secondly making you child choose to take a side in divorce is 100 not healthy.
  
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  - Grimy@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
    dO yOu GeT mAd At ThE tV aS weLl??
    
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  - Grimy@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
    I would get mad at my tv if it cheated on my mother?
    
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- daniskarma@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Tell me one thing.
  
  Is that much better to find out that your husband is leaving for other person by his word before it happens rather than a time after it happened?
  
  For my understanding most of the pain comes not for the lie, but for the fact that the people you loves no longer loves you back and it’s leaving you. And you cannot force love or cohabitation to anyone.
  
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  - Grimy@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
    I’m assuming his mom found out after the fact, nothing the OP said when I commentef pointed to the opposite.
    
    Also, regardless if he told her or if she found out by herself, there is no question that the cheater is the asshole in this situation. Admitting to an affaire doesnt suddenly make it okay or take away the pain.
    
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phoenixz@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
No you’re not.

Cheating doesn’t automatically make a person bad, it makes a person a human being. Mist people cheat, and I’d say that most “cheating sessions” happen without the spouse knowing. It happens and usually there are underlying reasons ranging from “he just really really likes sex” to “they never have sex together” to a host of other reasons. I don’t think that the reason “he’s an asshole” is the real reason, ever.

Having said that; even if your dad cheated just and only just because he wanted to be an asshole to your mom, that still doesn’t mean that anything should have to change between you and your dad.

Your dad is your dad. Anyone trying to forcibly change that is raising a host of red flags.

I understand your mother feels hurt right now but if she isn’t able to see beyond that hurt what your best interests are then maybe she is actually the problem, not your father.

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- Fondots@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  
  Mist people cheat,
  
  Assuming that’s supposed to be “most people”
  
  There have been a lot of studies on this over the years, and the data is of course easy to skew because a lot of people are going to be reluctant to admit to their cheating, or people having different ideas about what constitutes “cheating” but every study I can find that seems credible, it seems to hover at more like 25% of people cheat, give or take maybe about 10%
  
  Even when you look for people who have experienced a partner cheating on them most of the studies I can find have it at below 50%
  
  You can get into the weeds and probably find some cases where most people in certain demographics cheat if you want to cherry-pick your data a bit.
  
  So no, most people don’t cheat.
  
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