Well when men keep hearing “don’t approach us”, we shouldn’t be shocked when men to approach people.
Anon is worried about men
Submitted 3 weeks ago by Early_To_Risa@sh.itjust.works to greentext@sh.itjust.works
https://sh.itjust.works/pictrs/image/f5f25e71-0ce3-4f54-bfd1-e2dd835be8e6.jpeg
Comments
madjo@feddit.nl 3 weeks ago
Steve@startrek.website 3 weeks ago
Step 1- be attractive.
surph_ninja@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Just be funny and not a piece of shit. My wife is so gorgeous, people immediately know I have a good sense of humor.
MisterFrog@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Step 1. Be courteous Step 2. Interact with people in general Step 3. Ask our the people you’re genuinely interested in, and feel you have some kind of connection with, respectfully, knowing rejection is okay
Repeat until you get a date.
Being attractive helps a lot. Obviously. But you can put effort into your appearance. More than anything your personality is the thing that will get you a date.
Having tried Tinder 12 years ago, once, around the time I became an adult, why you’d choose it over asking people out in real life is beyond me. Especially if you’re not very attractive.
The meta is all off haha
FatTony@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
If there is one thing the internet has overwhelmingly seceded at it’s convincing people that looks are absolutely everything. A lot of people I know tend to take their dating app experience as solid evidence of their romantic inaptitude. Even when it’s all too well known they are scams designed to keep you on their platform for as long as possible.
I know that preaching about stepping up to women may feel like the same way of saying: “Just be attractive, bro.” And if it does, to that I say: Do it and practise it for the sake of it. “That looks like a nice person, let’s find out what they’re about, for no damn reason at all.”
Anyway, my two cents.
Yerbouti@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
Cry me a river. I’ve never heard a women say “don’t approach me”, but I’ve heard many say “don’t be a douche” and “stop thinking you’re a fucking victim”.
aphonefriend@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
You already forgot the bear in the woods?
mosiacmango@lemm.ee 2 weeks ago
At the same time, lots of men are really shitty when they “approach” women.
SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
So yeah don’t approach women, got it.
Bacano@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I keep saying this cause it’s a take a lot of people gloss over. I haven’t dated in a while because I’m too broke to add anything else to my budget, dive bars included. Dating takes time and money, and if I get more of either, I’m using it to better my situation before thinking about dating.
In a time where real wealth is dwindling for most young men, I can imagine I’m not alone on this.
Shezzagrad@lemmy.ml 3 weeks ago
Going through the same problem, I was in uni during COVID, when it hit many things in my life changed or left so I shut down and unfortunately couldn’t complete my degree in the end. Now I’m just job hunting and rebuilding and while I do feel pretty lonely at times, I realise I can’t even consider talking to a girl romantically until I can rebuild myself (my own choice). Luckily I have this close female friend who i can talk to makes me feel a little less alone
Nomad@infosec.pub 2 weeks ago
Life advice from an old’ish dude: find a girl when you are broke. She will always love you, not the money. She will also love you in hardship and she won’t care if you go for a walk or watch Netflix because it’s cheaper. :)
CaptainThor@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Men don’t want to be branded ‘creepy’ and women have constantly stated they want to be left alone. Men listened.
rabber@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
Man vs bear debate sealed the deal for a ton of guys
drunkpostdisaster@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
It made me decide the world would be a better place without us. What right do we have to exist if we make 50% of the world so frightened just by existing?
orcrist@lemm.ee 2 weeks ago
Now now. Don’t blame women.
deathbird@mander.xyz 2 weeks ago
Yeah it’s not women per se, though most guys have had bad experiences. It’s also bad economics, loss of third spaces, loss of communities, excess screens, and the shifting cultural expectations that follow from these material changes.
It is hard to create real human intimacy when you interact with people primarily through profiles and media.
UniversalMonk@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
and women have constantly stated they want to be left alone.
I haven’t seen this in the real world at all. lmao
drascus@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
Every time I see an article like this I think who fucking cares? Like what’s going on with men? Its a generational and cultural thing its not men’s fault. Dating sucks, people get rejected in ultra harsh ways, sometimes being filmed and then posted on social media for trying to ask someone out. If I was in the age range to be dating I wouldn’t bother.
shortrounddev@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
It’s a problem to have so many single, disaffected men out there
taladar@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
Might be a good time to downplay the importance of a relationship for a happy life then instead of trying to push the message that your life sucks if you don’t have one.
tane@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
Yup and it’s a problem that only becomes worse over time
drascus@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
how do you know they are disaffected. Maybe they are single and just fine with it.
x00z@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Women might care?
Flocklesscrow@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
Then perhaps we should expect changes/shifts in women’s behavior to bridge the gap?
I don’t think that cultural evolution is happening - look at Bumble, which had its premise/differentiation with women making the “first move.” They eventually had to nix the feature, because…women didn’t want to make the first move; they wanted to be pursued. Meanwhile, apps in general are just a minefield of emotional rejection, while Corporate ownership drags men through the muck as long as possible to get those $$$. So most men simply stop using apps and simply wait for some kind of IRL meet-cute. And that sparingly happens in a society that has very, very few places for non-commercial social overlap.
drascus@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
well then they should step up and start asking people out instead of waiting for guys to do it.
madjo@feddit.nl 3 weeks ago
Then they get to step up and approach men for a change.
FatTony@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
people get rejected in ultra harsh ways, sometimes being filmed and then posted on social media for trying to ask someone out.
Are you sure this isn’t exaggerating it a little? This may be anecdotal but I have never dealt with any such harsh rejection within my social circles (neither have my associates). What I’m trying to get at is that there may be a vocal minority that gets a lot of online attention.
Then again if thousands upon thousands of people see it and take it as a common phenomenon it still has the same result.
drascus@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
Really the fear of it happening is enough. All you have to do is have it happen once, or know someone that it happened to, or see a video of it for that to scare you off of even trying.
MoreFPSmorebetter@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
It’s a complicated issue with a lot of layers. Like a depressing onion.
Men were told to stop approaching women for any reason in any situation. So we did.
Dating apps and websites have overinflated women’s egos and absolutely obliterated most mens egos. The average looking guy with a job and some normal hobbies is going to get very few matches where as most women get hundreds a day regardless of their level of employment or having hobbies. This leads to women believing they can find the millionaire bachelor if they just hold out for longer when in reality they are not the women that the millionaire bachelor is going to pick.
Most women still expect men to be chivalrous and pay on the first date, but they have no actual intention of pursuing a relationship with that guy. Unfortunately some women have learned they can get a free meal and entertainment for an evening at no cost if they just say yes to dates they have no interest in. Most guys have been burned by that as some point.
A lot of women are still playing games. Saying no because they want the man to “chase” them or “fight” for them. Most guys have stopped entertaining that behavior whatsoever but I still see so many women doing it. As men we can’t tell if that’s what you want or if you actually mean it when you say no so the majority of us will immediately stop pursuing you if you decline us. I’m 33 and women are STILL doing this. I thought it would taper off as I got farther from high school aged girls but from my experience it has not gone down in any significant way.
There are a million other reasons and nuanced details but I am tired of typing.
Myself and most men I know around my age who all did very well in the dating scene when we were younger have just completely given up on dating now. We have zero interest in putting in the time, energy and money into something that yeilds nothing in return these days.
Like most things I think this will reach a breaking point and things will shift but I’m not sure when that will be or what will push things over the edge.
phar@lemmy.ml 3 weeks ago
My aunt admitted she did the free meal thing back in the 70s. It’s not new. This whole thing is bs. People just have whiny echo chambers now.
fluffykittycat@slrpnk.net 3 weeks ago
I’m gay but I’ve only ever been on fates where both of us paid for our own meals. I think hetero dating is just broken and they should start over
MoreFPSmorebetter@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
I never said it was a new shitty behavior from women. It’s just that more men are aware of it now. Especially since a lot of women will post about it online and while they do get to share it with their yaaas queen slay fan base men do also see those posts. They see those comments where women are bragging about how many dates they have gone on with zero intention of actually romantically engaging with the man at any point.
And to be clear I am not sitting here thinking this is a one way street. I am fully aware that men have a long history of going on dates just to get laid and then never talking to that woman again.
Both genders got shit they need to work on just like most people got shit they need to work on.
thisisnotgoingwell@programming.dev 3 weeks ago
Same here. Most women bring nothing to the table, so there’s no rush. I’d rather save the money and spend my time studying or playing video games
reiterationstation@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
If you don’t like women, then date men. You are telling us you can’t connect to women, then you aren’t attracted to them. If you were you would connect emotionally with them. You’re probably just straight because you were told to be for so long and you made it an identity. Open your mind and think about those male friends you had you made excuses to wrestle with a little bit more just so you could feel his touch. Just give in to what you know to be true.
MoreFPSmorebetter@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
I definitely wouldn’t say they bring nothing to the table. It’s just that they expect you to bring a lot to the table and often times they bring little to the table. If they also didn’t expect you to bring much then it wouldn’t be so bad, but they expect it all while doing little to nothing in return.
reiterationstation@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
What stinks like shit? Oh it’s your personality.
MoreFPSmorebetter@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
Interesting response. I take it you must be one of those women I was referring to in part of my comment somewhere.
TheBat@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Says an asshat
ScoopMcPoops@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
You’re complaints sound like they were copy and pasted from an Andrew Tate manuscript. Most men I know who are healthy and well adjusted have a girlfriend or wife. I dont think ive dated a woman in the last 5 years who expected me to be chivalrous or wanted to “play games” with me and make me chase. My friends and I have been having amazing luck with dating recently I guess. 8 out of 9 of us are either married or in a long term relationship. And were not rich or extremely attractive lmfao. Maybe it’s because none of us are incels and don’t just wanna fuck the first thing with 2 legs to say yes. I feel like men like you can’t see anything a woman is past the vagina, like maybe if you tried to just be friendly instead of horny they would’ve opened up to you and trusted you. Instead most men act like women owe them something when they buy them a gift or a meal. My friends have paid for my food before and I didn’t get on the ground and suck them off, why should a girl be expected to do that.
MoreFPSmorebetter@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
First of all: *Your
Secondly: Yikes bro. You made a LOT of assumptions and pretty much all of them were wrong.
I don’t really give a shit about sex. At least that’s not my goal when dating. I am looking for someone that is kind, thoughtful and curious. Someone who is intellectually stimulating and emotionally mature.
I could call up pretty much any of my exes and get sex if that’s all I was after. I am just looking for genuine human connection.
When my choices are expend time, energy and money just to be taken advantage of/toyed with or sit at home and be at peace with myself I’m gonna take the peace every time now.
If you went fishing for years and never caught anything except toxic sludge at some point you just stop fishing. Spend that time and energy on something else. That’s where most men are at these days. And yeah some of those guys are just unrealistic assholes, but most of them really aren’t.
Personally I am just living my life. If I happen to bump into someone and hit it off I won’t fight it, but I’m not going to actively spend my time, money and energy looking anymore.
JackbyDev@programming.dev 2 weeks ago
Let me start by saying I’m not agreeing or disagreeing with the post you’re replying to.
8 out of 9 of us are either married or in a long term relationship.
How long? Because many of the points being made by the comments in this thread are talking about how things changed in the past few years. If you got together pre pandemic you wouldn’t have been dating in the environment many are talking about. Even if you got together in like 2021 you may not have experienced it at it’s worst (according to them).
Disclaimer: I am married and haven’t ever experienced the “dating scene” because I’m with my high school sweetheart. But you need to understand a lot of what the posts in this thread are talking about they’re claiming is very recent.
That said, this post (the image) is 100% incel propaganda, accidental if I’m being generous.
djsoren19@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 weeks ago
One of my friends straight up used a guy to help her move and ditched him immediately after. It’s honestly so fucked up what otherwise very nice women think is totally fine to do. She bragged about doing this and my other friends cheered her on for it. I couldn’t even imagine being the guy in that situation, just getting treated like an exploitable slave?
MoreFPSmorebetter@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
This is unfortunately a very common thing that women pull. I have a lot of “handy” skills and I have had multiple women pretend to be interested in the hopes that I would fix something in their apartment for them.
I cannot fathom pretending to be interested in someone just to use them like that. It’s really quiet dehumanizing and then for so many people to cheer that behavior on is disgusting. Not really a mystery people aren’t lining up to go on dates these days.
NostraDavid@programming.dev 3 weeks ago
MoreFPSmorebetter@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
His videos are hilarious. Mostly accurate too.
Bosht@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Honestly, I get it’s a free text, but this is pretty easily explained. First off: dating is fucking expensive, and unfortunately standard gender roles means the dude foots the bill most of the time. Yes times are changing, but that’s still pretty standard. Pair that with the fact that dudes usually have to make the first move (again, old gender standards) and the fact that social media adds another layer of risk of being ridiculed or making someone viral because they were ‘crimge’ or ‘gave the girl the ick’ and it’s a pretty stacked deck. Hell, point one is such a strong weigh in that it’s enough to explain all of it. People are more broke than ever, and if dating by default involves going out, well guess that date isn’t going to happen.
thisisnotgoingwell@programming.dev 3 weeks ago
I recently ended a 6 year relationship. I’m not going to settle down with anyone again unless they have their own stuff going on like a career and goals. I think a lot of women expect men to manage all the finances, set goals, plan vacations and provide stability but they don’t want to do the traditional gender role stuff like cooking and cleaning or making a home. So what’s the point? Why make someone else’s life easier if they don’t do the same for you? had a son young(I was 19 when I had him) and he’s 11 now, so it’s not like I’m dreaming of starting a family. Most women bring nothing to the table. And if you’re lucky enough like me to have a good income, house, car, etc… you realize a lot of things are easier living alone.
ChexMax@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
If you decide to date again, you should consider dating liberal women. The only women I have known who are like you describe are conservative(and I have met one or two who expect the princess treatment and then don’t deliver on the prince treatment!). I know conservative men who expect traditional roles, and I know conservative men who expect to split the bills and say they’ll split the housework but then the woman ends up doing all the housework anyway. The women in that situation end up feeling like you: if I’m doing the housework AND working, this is easier on my own!
In my liberal circles things seem to be a bit more evenly split, and both partners are often more independent.
It seems like you’re happy on your own though, so you’re doing the right thing by removing yourself from the dating pool! Maybe you’ll find someone independent who will be a good match naturally, but I can’t imagine a woman would want to work and split the housework with someone who has your attitude (“most women are bad and not worth having around”) so you might need to change that if you do decide to get back into dating. I can’t connect on what you mean on sex not being the best thing in the world and the literal purpose of life, but I do know my husband felt like you on that front before he met me. He thought people were just exaggerating on how good it is. Maybe, like him, you just haven’t met the right match there either? It’s not like I’m even that good in bed, if anything I’m a bit of a selfish lover. It’s just that we’re a good fit together. Good luck, man. I hope you find the right fit and realize men and women are equally selfish and equally selfless.
Bosht@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
I get there’s a bit of biterness here, but speaking as an older millennial this was my experience as well. Feminism created a weird gap of women becoming strong and independent, but with some meant ‘im not going to do traditional fem, but expect you to do traditional man’ with no compromise. I ended up finding a wonderful woman and we both split everything, but it took me 20 years.
fluffykittycat@slrpnk.net 3 weeks ago
Agreed. Cost of living and wealth inequality are getting so bad it’s breaking society. We see it everywhere and it’s weird to prioritize non economic explanations.
Although hetero dating is just total bs, speaking as a queer gal. All that old cruft is rotten and it’s gotta go
TangledHyphae@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I went out on a first date with this woman recently and we just split the bill 50/50. It was a refreshing change of scenery. I think that should be standard so that nobody has any expectations on either side. As time goes on you can figure out how to allocate cash flow but first dates should never be 100% on one gender, unless one of them are rich (in my opinion at least.)
UniversalMonk@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
First off: dating is fucking expensive, and unfortunately standard gender roles means the dude foots the bill most of the time.
Not an excuse for most Lemmy users. Most American Lemmy users make far more than the average American. I have seen Lemmy users legit bitch that they only make $80K a year. That’s mroe than I ever made a year in my entire working life. And I never had a problem dating.
It’s a personality issue, not a money issue.
AppleTea@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
45% of men 18 to 25 have never asked out a woman in person
I can’t speak for the whole 45% but some of us have heard stories from women about how that other 55% can behave. I think I’d rather wait for a lady to (never) ask me out then put someone in the position of thinking “Oh, is he gonna take it bad if I say no?”
renamon_silver@lemmy.wtf 2 weeks ago
Also, some of us are gay.
Critical_Thinker@lemm.ee 2 weeks ago
You’ve drank too much ideological koolaid. People aren’t what you read in the news or a great deal of the internet.
It’s actually really easy to get a date in person if you are not a total ogre and treat women like normal people.
Weirdo white knights can easily end up as incels. Neither of those groups tend to do very well in actual social situations.
drunkpostdisaster@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
This is it. I feel like I am inflicting myself on women. That I am a problem for them simply for existing. Why would I do something like that to someone if its as bad as we are always being told?
Fredthefishlord@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 weeks ago
Get out and ask some people. Plenty of women like it as long as you’re polite
DontMakeMoreBabies@lemm.ee 2 weeks ago
Bachelor pride vibes.
2ugly2live@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
So many comments echoing “women told us to stop approaching us, so we did!”
I mean no offense, truly, but you missed the point if that’s the message you took. It wasn’t “Do not, under any circumstances, speak to a woman” it was, “if you shoot your shot and she’s not interested, move on and don’t make it weird. If she is at work, be very careful as customer service does not equal flirting.” Yes, there are some grey areas (not sure even the best gentleman could slide up to a woman alone in a parking lot and not freak her out), but some of you are kicking up the board without even moving a piece. Stop pushing the narrative that only attractive men can speak to women. Not only are you assuming you’re not attractive by saying that (which cannot be good for your confidence) , you’re reducing women’s feelings and concerns as being blindly shallow and unwarranted.
The world is not full of only beautiful people, yet people still live and love. Not to dismiss the difficulties (as an uggo myself, I get it), but you can get out there, I know you can.
TexMexBazooka@lemm.ee 2 weeks ago
This thread is an example of why men aren’t dating.
“I’ve had painful loved experiences and faced unbalanced and unfair expectations, so I’ve decided dating isn’t worth my time right now”
“You’re an incel”
It doesn’t really matter what you say, it’s the fact that you said it as a man that will garner disrespect from some regardless.
exasperation@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
18-25 in 2025 means 13-20 when COVID happened.
We’re going to see the long term effects of people in that micro generation losing much of what the high school social scene represented, that low stakes junior league of forming new relationships, where meeting is easy, with lots of natural opportunities for free interaction, and making new connections is normal. Learning to flirt in that environment is a stepping stone towards being able to navigate the adult world, where people don’t have your schedule planned out for you, and you won’t naturally see the same people 100+ days out of the year, and have 50+ chances to shoot your shot when you’re ready.
And yes, sure, the loss of third places and changing social dynamics and gender roles and the economy play a role, too, for pretty much everyone under 40. But it’s worth pointing out that this specific age cohort has special challenges on top of the issues that everyone else is living, too.
blorps@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
reading this thread I’m glad I’m a removed in a relationship. my spouse is the best. i got so fucking lucky.
there’s a massive epidemic of loneliness out there. the loss of the free/cheap third spaces, lockdowns, and social media have made a fucking shitstorm. I’m scared for the generations below me just starting to enter the workforce. so many kids just unable to function properly.
i can’t solve it. but I’ve been putting my devices down more and (trying) to get out more. get more sunlight and fresh air, even if i just sit outside and watch the ducks. it’s hard out there. give yourself a break, okay? eat a snack and take a walk.
SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Women don’t want to be approached in public.
Men learn this quickly.
DontMakeMoreBabies@lemm.ee 2 weeks ago
People in this thread are fucking wild… In college, and before I met my wife, I’d just get fucking trashed at house parties and then try to hit on anything with a pulse. Now, I’m not some “lady’s man,” and I didn’t pull them all, but it definitely worked well enough to get me laid when I wasn’t dating someone.
Shocker - never maced or reported for sexual assault?
cynar@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Social changes have caused chaos. A lot of the “traditional” dating methods existed to give structure to finding a partner. Unfortunately, those structures got trashed by the general update to gender roles. While these changes are great in many ways, it left young people in limbo. It was eventually replaced with online dating, for many. Unfortunately, that, in turn has been trashed by corporate takeover.
You’ve also got the outlier problem. The problematic men and women make up a small proportion of the population, but do a disproportionate amount of dating. A lot of the complaints are aimed at the problematic groups. Unfortunately, they don’t care. It’s mostly the non-problematic people who get the wrong message.
LongboardingLad@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
For me personally, it’s a combination of factors. A non zero number of my exes lost interest after a while and it damaged my ego pretty badly. Dating Apps are a string of getting ghosted with the occasional date that leads to me paying for drinks and dinner, only to get ghosted. I’ve always been a shy person and I can only handle so much failure before I don’t want to play anymore. I missed out on the high school and college dating scenes and it shows. There is one common denominator in all of my dating failures and it’s me.
5oap10116@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I’m married to a tinder girl now so say what you want about that but for me, it was fear of further social ostracization. I always struggled to fit in, in grade school because I was asian in a sea of white kids. Some kids were literally afraid to touch the “chinese boy” (i was korean but try telling that to rabid white elementary and middle school kids looking for any reason to other anyone). I became a huge people pleaser and tried not to stick out for any reason. I had also seen how the “popular” kids treated any of the geeks who tried to shoot their shot and I didn’t want to fuck up any of the social capital I had left. It obviously got better in late high school as kids grew up but the damage was done. I had a few girlfriends in high school and college but they mostly came after me or we kind of just found ourselves getting close so there wasn’t any formal “asking out” type of stuff. Either way I probably blew a lot of romantic opportunities but it is what it is.
I got a boy due in June so hopefully I can instill more confidence in him that I didn’t have.
shortrounddev@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I started dating my wife when we were both in high school so I’m lucky that I never had to try to start dating in my 20s. But when I was in high school asking out a girl was as simple as walking up and saying “do you want to go out with me?”
I asked out girls that I KNEW there was a 99% chance they’d say no, but I asked anyways. The worst they ever said was “no”. Nobody ever laughed in my face or told all their friends or spread rumors about me, they just said no thank you and I moved on.
This was like 2009-2013 mind you; I think young people are a lot more cruel now than they were then.
1SimpleTailor@startrek.website 3 weeks ago
A lot of people in this thread are talking about how much women suck because of X, Y, Z. But like… have you tried not dating shitty women? Or at least not getting so hung up on a woman who treats you poorly? Yeah, it sucks to be treated badly, but consider that you just dodged a bullet. You don’t need women like that in your life. Find a woman you actually connect with, someone you share interests with, not just someone you want to sleep with.
Two hard truths a lot of single men need to reckon with:
1: Most people are kind of shitty, and therefore, most women are kind of shitty. I could go on about how consumer culture and social media encourage toxic traits, but the fact of the matter is you should focus on not being a shitty person yourself, and you shouldn’t settle for shitty people either.
2: With number one in mind, you need to broaden your horizons regarding what kind of woman you’re attracted to. Porn and social media have rotted our brains when it comes to attraction. Maybe I’m just pervy, but honestly, I can find something attractive in just about everyone. 90% of people are at least a 7/10 if they put in some effort, and a 7/10 who you truly vibe with is better than a 10/10 who treats you like shit. And trust me, when you form a true romantic connection with someone, they become even more attractive in your eyes.
There are good, beautiful women out there, I know because I’m marrying one. We met online, and she’s one of the kindest and smartest people I’ve ever met, and I find her more beautiful than anyone else in the world. And I’m a fat, impoverished, autist. If I can do it, so can you.
Ilovethebomb@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
Is Anon talking out their ass with those stats, or is this actually true?
pec@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
Third place
frog_brawler@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
I’m 41 now but I haven’t gone on a date-date in 3 years or so. The TL;DR online dating is absolutely not worth participating in. Neither is speed dating, and people are isolating more and more.
I’m not wildly attractive but I’m not unattractive either. I’m probably like a 6 or a 7. I think I’m interesting and can hold a reasonable conversation. I’m intelligent. I’ve been told I’m funny (sometimes). I am a bit clumsy sometimes though. I’ve been in two long term (3+ years) relationships in my life but one of those relationships ended due to alcohol (we mutually sucked at the time), and the other due to financial reasons. Both hurt pretty deep when they ended and I didn’t date for a couple years after either of those.
In the time that I wasn’t feeling some form of loss from relationships that meant something, I tried online dating. I tried OkCupid, Bumble, PlentyOfFish, some bullshit regarding a bagel, Tinder, match.com, etc. I probably tried any of them that were active at the time. Not once did it ever amount to a relationship, in probably 15 years of using those sites off and on. I’ve unquestionably had more bad experiences than good. 9 out of 10 dates are bad. 1 ouf of 10 are ok. The worst time I recall was when a woman drugged me after our date. Another bad time I can recall, my date showed up on drugs or drunk or just incredibly stupid or something. She racked up a $110 bar tab during our 30 minute meet and greet and dipped out without saying anything at all or paying the bill. I was once catfished (is it catfishing when it’s just straight up someone else’s picture, or does it have to be your own picture doctored up / photoshopped to be considered catfishing?) by a co-worker on Bumble. I’ve been stood up for a first date at three or four times. I’ve been cancelled on an hour or two before a date at least 15 times.
The last time I had an online date, everything seemed to be going fine, we had a drink at the first bar, established that we seemingly got along, went on a walk around downtown, check out a show and then all of a sudden I’m being told about a sex kit that she purchased from a vending machine while I was in the bathroom that she wants to try out. I thought she was pretty cool before that. I wasn’t 100% sure if I was attracted to her, but I knew we at least got along on a person-to-person level. Telling me about a sex kit like that on the first date was a “eh, hard pass” for me. Maybe as I’m getting older I need more time to get into that idea. I don’t know. I never really mentioned it to anyone.
Speed dating is also, completely shit; and it’s a scam. The first time I tried speed dating, it was some website where you pick your city, your age range, and then what event you’d want to attend based on your other parameters. They take your money, and then send you an email a day before the event saying the event is cancelled because they couldn’t get enough people, but you cannot have a refund either. Then you attempt to re-schedule and it gets cancelled a second time for the same reason, then a third. Finally - you attend one of these things in person, end up getting “3 matches” emailed to you, and then you attempt to make contact and never hear from anyone ever again.
I felt like a complete horses’ ass when I attempted to do speed dating a second time 12 years later and had a very similar experience. This second time around though, I did a charge back on my credit card after the 3rd cancellation because “they couldn’t get enough people to attend.” Thanks for nothing Troy.
After soooo many bad experiences, and never having any success with what are the now conventional methods, I feel like I have a trauma response to the idea of dating now. I’d still like to be in a happy relationship, but thinking about trying again causes me stress.
I’m introverted by nature, and as of 7 months ago, I live alone in a state, where I also work remotely from home and know no one. I tried a few events from Meetup.com thinking, “hey, maybe this is how 40-year-olds make friends,” but didn’t enjoy anything that I went to, other than the events where people sit in an audience quietly and watch someone else on stage. I found a really cool thing that I like attending where anyone is welcome to get up on stage and tell an 8 minute story about pretty much anything - fact or fiction. I really enjoy attending these, but it’s no way to meet people.
I imagine I’m not alone in my experiences.
rabber@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
I just got divorced at 30 after 7 years and I’m probably not going to get involved with a woman again. I’m not interested in having kids because the world is ending so it’s essentially a no win situation unless someone can change my mind on this.
There are a lot of positives being in a relationship but way more negatives. I’m just happier alone.
peregrin5@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
I think a lot of men are just satisfied staying home playing their video game of choice while wanking it or using online apps for hookups.
HexesofVexes@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Let me offer a scenario; two drunk people who wouldn’t normally go near each other spend a night together. The morning comes, regret is in the air for both parties, which of these two people is most at risk?
The correct answer is: “the one who doesn’t accuse the other on social media”.
Just remember, no-one gave any indication of gender there. It’s not really about gender at this point - it’s the fact we’ve constructed a world where a casual encounter has the potential to become the prisoner’s dilemma if it is regretted afterwards.
That’s not a world where people take risks on a date, especially if physical intimacy is on the cards. To much risk!
HalfSalesman@lemm.ee 2 weeks ago
Disclaimer: I’m not 18-25.
I have a ton of women friends (more than men ATM) and have solid evidence that I am a significantly attractive man. I’m also bi so my options are a tad more broad than average.
Even with this I can say that dating is unpleasant and I have never asked for one and barely do them (women are rarely bold enough to be the initiator). It feels like a socially awkward job interview where I have to spend money I don’t have and I fucking hate job interviews.
Admittedly, I also am autistic, socially anxious, and sexually repressed (American sex culture sucks).
dan00@lemm.ee 2 weeks ago
After my long relationship (7+), i started dating again. Unfortunately i discovered that no one is looking for a meaningful connection or a serious conversation. Everyone wants to catered and be heard, no one wants to listen for just a second. I actively stopped myself from flirting/dating anymore, it’s just a complete waste of time 🤷♂️im sorry to say many many many girls are VERY VERY superficial people.
steeznson@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
VR porn and furry conventions
rustyfish@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I assume years of collectively crying about it online has made something as simple and natural like dating seem like this unachievable task.
Not sure if it’s just me, but I feel like young people are less capable than ever to socialise. I thought I was a social pariah, but I don’t have shit on some people out there.
Ilovethebomb@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
I think a big part of it is online dating is just how it’s done these days.
But yes, we’ve done a great job of over-complicating something as simple as human interaction.
rustyfish@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I think so too. Online dating is just too convenient. It’s easier to arrange a date while playing video games than going into a club or other places you don’t like to begin with. I won’t lament those places dying out. Fuck them, never felt comfortable there.
But online dating should have made things easier not worse. Then again those sites aren’t free of blame too.
fluffykittycat@slrpnk.net 3 weeks ago
I was a complete social reject in middle and high school so I don’t even know how to people but I just assumed that was just me and my miserable circumstances apparently a lot of people have the same problem?
someacnt@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
Same, I think it’s just that our kind of people are more active online.
pec@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
There’s no third places where you can just loiter.
Sunsofold@lemmings.world 2 weeks ago
From what I’ve seen/heard, it’s not specifically the ‘crying.’ It’s a general effect from online life. Online activities are much, much easier than in person. Want to feel a connection to someone? Here’s vloggers, talking straight at you in painfully earnest tones about everything in their life. Want someone to entertain you? Here’s half a dozen companies fighting to be the one you turn to. Hungry? Forget cooking. Here’s delivery options from everywhere. Horny? Porn! It’s all a click away and you don’t even need to put on pants. If getting a need met enough to get you to tomorrow takes no effort, many people aren’t going to put in the work to get, not even a guarantee, but only a chance at something better.