Men don’t want to be branded ‘creepy’ and women have constantly stated they want to be left alone. Men listened.
Anon is worried about men
Submitted 1 day ago by Early_To_Risa@sh.itjust.works to greentext@sh.itjust.works
https://sh.itjust.works/pictrs/image/f5f25e71-0ce3-4f54-bfd1-e2dd835be8e6.jpeg
Comments
CaptainThor@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
rabber@lemmy.ca 5 hours ago
Man vs bear debate sealed the deal for a ton of guys
orcrist@lemm.ee 5 hours ago
Now now. Don’t blame women.
deathbird@mander.xyz 4 hours ago
Yeah it’s not women per se, though most guys have had bad experiences. It’s also bad economics, loss of third spaces, loss of communities, excess screens, and the shifting cultural expectations that follow from these material changes.
It is hard to create real human intimacy when you interact with people primarily through profiles and media.
frog_brawler@lemmy.world 5 hours ago
I’m 41 now but I haven’t gone on a date-date in 3 years or so. The TL;DR online dating is absolutely not worth participating in. Neither is speed dating, and people are isolating more and more.
I’m not wildly attractive but I’m not unattractive either. I’m probably like a 6 or a 7. I think I’m interesting and can hold a reasonable conversation. I’m intelligent. I’ve been told I’m funny (sometimes). I am a bit clumsy sometimes though. I’ve been in two long term (3+ years) relationships in my life but one of those relationships ended due to alcohol (we mutually sucked at the time), and the other due to financial reasons. Both hurt pretty deep when they ended and I didn’t date for a couple years after either of those.
In the time that I wasn’t feeling some form of loss from relationships that meant something, I tried online dating. I tried OkCupid, Bumble, PlentyOfFish, some bullshit regarding a bagel, Tinder, match.com, etc. I probably tried any of them that were active at the time. Not once did it ever amount to a relationship, in probably 15 years of using those sites off and on. I’ve unquestionably had more bad experiences than good. 9 out of 10 dates are bad. 1 ouf of 10 are ok. The worst time I recall was when a woman drugged me after our date. Another bad time I can recall, my date showed up on drugs or drunk or just incredibly stupid or something. She racked up a $110 bar tab during our 30 minute meet and greet and dipped out without saying anything at all or paying the bill. I was once catfished (is it catfishing when it’s just straight up someone else’s picture, or does it have to be your own picture doctored up / photoshopped to be considered catfishing?) by a co-worker on Bumble. I’ve been stood up for a first date at three or four times. I’ve been cancelled on an hour or two before a date at least 15 times.
The last time I had an online date, everything seemed to be going fine, we had a drink at the first bar, established that we seemingly got along, went on a walk around downtown, check out a show and then all of a sudden I’m being told about a sex kit that she purchased from a vending machine while I was in the bathroom that she wants to try out. I thought she was pretty cool before that. I wasn’t 100% sure if I was attracted to her, but I knew we at least got along on a person-to-person level. Telling me about a sex kit like that on the first date was a “eh, hard pass” for me. Maybe as I’m getting older I need more time to get into that idea. I don’t know. I never really mentioned it to anyone.
Speed dating is also, completely shit; and it’s a scam. The first time I tried speed dating, it was some website where you pick your city, your age range, and then what event you’d want to attend based on your other parameters. They take your money, and then send you an email a day before the event saying the event is cancelled because they couldn’t get enough people, but you cannot have a refund either. Then you attempt to re-schedule and it gets cancelled a second time for the same reason, then a third. Finally - you attend one of these things in person, end up getting “3 matches” emailed to you, and then you attempt to make contact and never hear from anyone ever again.
I felt like a complete horses’ ass when I attempted to do speed dating a second time 12 years later and had a very similar experience. This second time around though, I did a charge back on my credit card after the 3rd cancellation because “they couldn’t get enough people to attend.” Thanks for nothing Troy.
After soooo many bad experiences, and never having any success with what are the now conventional methods, I feel like I have a trauma response to the idea of dating now. I’d still like to be in a happy relationship, but thinking about trying again causes me stress.
I’m introverted by nature, and as of 7 months ago, I live alone in a state, where I also work remotely from home and know no one. I tried a few events from Meetup.com thinking, “hey, maybe this is how 40-year-olds make friends,” but didn’t enjoy anything that I went to, other than the events where people sit in an audience quietly and watch someone else on stage. I found a really cool thing that I like attending where anyone is welcome to get up on stage and tell an 8 minute story about pretty much anything - fact or fiction. I really enjoy attending these, but it’s no way to meet people.
I imagine I’m not alone in my experiences.
deathbird@mander.xyz 5 hours ago
I think if a woman you like making a hard pass at you makes you want to pass on her, you have something internal to resolve if you’re thinking you still want to be in an intimate relationship with another human being.
I mean dating at 40 has to be hard anyway. Your body does not look the same. It does not work the same. And making friends when you’re older is hard. If you’re religious you can try joining the church. At the stage thing did you go up and tell a story?
frog_brawler@lemmy.world 4 hours ago
I think the rejection of the hard pass was maybe me more deciding that I wasn’t attracted to her. Maybe something else though, you could be right.
Atheist (but maybe Buddhist after a lot of stuff I’ve been reading recently), so the religious thing is mostly a no go. Perhaps I’ll explore Buddhism a bit more though, and see if there’s a temple or something the sort local to me. That could be interesting.
I’ve not gotten up and told a story, no. I don’t really have one that I’d like to share yet. I just enjoy listening to other peoples’ stories for the most part. There’s also the aspect of not necessarily knowing if it’s fact or fiction sometimes that adds some excitement.
LongboardingLad@lemmy.world 7 hours ago
For me personally, it’s a combination of factors. A non zero number of my exes lost interest after a while and it damaged my ego pretty badly. Dating Apps are a string of getting ghosted with the occasional date that leads to me paying for drinks and dinner, only to get ghosted. I’ve always been a shy person and I can only handle so much failure before I don’t want to play anymore. I missed out on the high school and college dating scenes and it shows. There is one common denominator in all of my dating failures and it’s me.
xChronoZerox@lemmy.today 6 hours ago
:(
dan00@lemm.ee 1 hour ago
After my long relationship (7+), i started dating again. Unfortunately i discovered that no one is looking for a meaningful connection or a serious conversation. Everyone wants to catered and be heard, no one wants to listen for just a second. I actively stopped myself from flirting/dating anymore, it’s just a complete waste of time 🤷♂️im sorry to say many many many girls are VERY VERY superficial people.
DontMakeMoreBabies@lemm.ee 9 hours ago
People in this thread are fucking wild… In college, and before I met my wife, I’d just get fucking trashed at house parties and then try to hit on anything with a pulse. Now, I’m not some “lady’s man,” and I didn’t pull them all, but it definitely worked well enough to get me laid when I wasn’t dating someone.
Shocker - never maced or reported for sexual assault?
Semi_Hemi_Demigod@lemmy.world 7 hours ago
at house parties
Try this not at a house party.
I’m lucky that I met my fiance after being loaned to her as a sex toy by someone I met on OKC
Ilovethebomb@lemm.ee 6 hours ago
Well, that’s one hell of a meet-cute.
Ilovethebomb@lemm.ee 8 hours ago
Yeah, but you got invited to parties in the first place.
inb4_FoundTheVegan@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
Quit your doomin’. This isn’t complicated. Parties aren’t like they are in movies, it’s literally just getting drunk on a couch. Don’t let the social anexity win. Just invite everyone you know to yours and tell them to invite who they know. As long as you meet someone new then your circle is growing. Friends of friends exist.
I literally had one friend like 7 years ago until I moved in with a barely functional alcoholic I knew from playing magic. He was an asshole with creepy friends, but those friends were dominos that led me to a few bad relationship, and eventually my wife.
_core@sh.itjust.works 8 hours ago
Survivor bias is a hell of a drug
inb4_FoundTheVegan@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
It’s not survivor bias when others commit suicide. This isn’t arbitrary luck selecting some to have good lives, that’s just doomerism, self loathing and anexity talking.
sin_free_for_00_days@sopuli.xyz 6 hours ago
Before I went to University one of my parent’s University friends told me that my dad got laid a lot back in the day. Like looked me in the eye for emphasis when he said,“A LOT!” I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad, but before I went off to higher learning, I broached the subject with him. “How?” was my basic question. He looked a little confused and just said,“I just asked them if they wanted to fuck. Most said no, some said yes.” It’s not complicated.
MrMakabar@slrpnk.net 6 hours ago
Selection bias combined with it becoming easier to basically not talk with people.
2ugly2live@lemmy.world 12 hours ago
So many comments echoing “women told us to stop approaching us, so we did!”
I mean no offense, truly, but you missed the point if that’s the message you took. It wasn’t “Do not, under any circumstances, speak to a woman” it was, “if you shoot your shot and she’s not interested, move on and don’t make it weird. If she is at work, be very careful as customer service does not equal flirting.” Yes, there are some grey areas (not sure even the best gentleman could slide up to a woman alone in a parking lot and not freak her out), but some of you are kicking up the board without even moving a piece. Stop pushing the narrative that only attractive men can speak to women. Not only are you assuming you’re not attractive by saying that (which cannot be good for your confidence) , you’re reducing women’s feelings and concerns as being blindly shallow and unwarranted.
The world is not full of only beautiful people, yet people still live and love. Not to dismiss the difficulties (as an uggo myself, I get it), but you can get out there, I know you can.
rekabis@lemmy.ca 10 hours ago
It wasn’t “Do not, under any circumstances, speak to a woman”
Actually, as explained to me by a woman, it was exactly that.
This was well after I had married, somewhere in my fifth decade, so I was off that particular playing field for quite some time by that point. But on a lark I had asked a feminist what this “leave women alone” refrain meant. And some of it made perfect sense: don’t hit up cashiers or anyone doing their jobs, they’re just being nice and friendly because they are being paid to be polite.
But it also meant don’t approach women when they’re shopping for groceries, as they’re probably tired from work and just want to go home. Don’t approach women on public transportation, as they’re just trying to get home and don’t want to be accosted in a cramped public venue. Don’t approach women when they’re out with friends, because they are with friends and don’t want to be cleaved off like how a predator isolates a member of a herd.
This went on and on, to some pretty ridiculous lengths. Whereupon I asked, “how is any man supposed to chat up a woman?”, to which she said - and no, not kidding at all - “any man who we’re interested in will understand when we’re interested in them.”
Like… telepathy. Literal telepathy.
Sure as shit, this is what a woman said to me.
Most men get absolutely zero life experience in decoding super-subtle hints, and now they’re supposed to miraculously become an expert in navigating a potentially life-destroying minefield, where the only two outcomes is magically getting it right, or risking incarceration and a criminal record when they (invariably) get it wrong?
No wonder so many men are saying “thanks, but no thanks.” I don’t blame them in the least. They’re the smart ones.
And those who are slightly less smart are at least asking the $10,000 question: why aren’t women making the first approach? I mean, isn’t that what this whole “equality of the sexes” shtick was all about? Why don’t women put their money where their mouths are, and ask MEN out, for a change? Because I can guarantee that while any normal woman will experience a certain level of rejection, it still will be several orders of magnitude less than what a similarly-normal man experiences.
TheDoozer@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
I was with you (to a degree)until:
they’re supposed to miraculously become an expert in navigating a potentially life-destroying minefield, where the only two outcomes is magically getting it right, or risking a non-trivial probability of incarceration and a criminal record when they (invariably) get it wrong?
This is some nonsense. The worst the man will get (barring some VERY unacceptable behavior on his part) is yelled at by an angry (and probably shitty, if all the man did was politely approach at even a remotely reasonable time) woman. Which, turns out, is something women deal with from shitty men fairly regularly. It turns out, when you are interacting with strangers out in public, there is a small chance you are going to interact with an asshole. That doesn’t mean you should be a hermit, that means you met an asshole. And if everyone you meet is an asshole… you’re probably the asshole.
But nobody is going to jail or having life-shattering consequences for saying hello to a woman they don’t know.
THAT BEING SAID, if we, as men, are regularly told that approaching a woman in public is uncomfortable, unpleasant, or downright scary for women, decent men won’t want to approach women in order to avoid making them uncomfortable.
My personal experience has been to the contrary, and have struck up conversations with a number of women I didn’t know in public, and never had a particularly bad experience. Maybe I am generally non-threatening, or maybe I have better social skills than some, but if all a person who rarely interacts with women hears is that initiating any sort of contact is unpleasant to the woman they talk to, I can’t imagine they’d be inclined to strike up a conversation. And if they do make women uncomfortable (due to poor social skills from… not regularly interacting with women), it only reinforces that belief.
What’s the answer? I don’t know. But it feels like making men who care about the feelings of women uncomfortable with approaching them does nothing but leave the ones who don’t care. I think the message needs to change.
Ibuthyr@lemmy.wtf 10 hours ago
I have a feeling this is a very american thing. Random encounters with the other sex were the norm in Germany (at least before tinder and the likes, no idea how it’s nowadays). Being confident got you a long way. Not always, mind you. But often enough. Most women actually like being spoken to, as long as it’s a friendly encounter. I believe it might be different in America because everyone there is trying to one up each other (often resulting in loud and annoying behavior). I wouldn’t want to be chatted up by the cliche american guy either.
2ugly2live@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
I would honestly say your friend misunderstood the message as well if that was her takeaway.
Dasus@lemmy.world 10 hours ago
TonyOstrich@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
Why does it have to be men doing the asking? Maybe it’s the 'tism talking but I tend to be very onboard for the whole equity and equality stuff especially in a relationship. I have never understood why people feel so strongly about gendered roles or activities. Despite being functional in pretty much all traditionally gendered skills (in both directions), I haven’t really ever encountered someone that takes it as seriously.
Of the women I have dated that have been the most vocal about equity and DEI when I point out that they tend to all back to traditional gender roles when it’s to their advantage they have all essentially ended up saying that it is just their personal preference. Well no shit. I’m sure there are plenty of men who would prefer to be able to have all of the housework done by their partner, or billionaires that don’t want to give up any of their money even if they talk about wealth inequality. Just because it’s a preference doesn’t mean it’s OK.
2ugly2live@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
Men don’t have to be the ones asking, but I was responding to the idea that men can’t approach women by default. Either gender can shoot their shot.
And those women can have a preference for a more “traditional” role, it just means they need to be aware that not every guy they meet is going to be cool with that and that may mean making a choice down the line. The idea is that two people are in a relationship that works for them and everyone is safe and respected. So, yes, it’s okay for people to have that preference. The issue is forcing your preference to be the standard.
Pacattack57@lemmy.world 10 hours ago
I don’t know man, it sounds like you follow rule 1 and 2 and don’t realize it.
Guns0rWeD13@lemmy.world 6 hours ago
fuck em. let em figure it out. this is no time for weakness.
AppleTea@lemmy.zip 12 hours ago
45% of men 18 to 25 have never asked out a woman in person
I can’t speak for the whole 45% but some of us have heard stories from women about how that other 55% can behave. I think I’d rather wait for a lady to (never) ask me out then put someone in the position of thinking “Oh, is he gonna take it bad if I say no?”
renamon_silver@lemmy.wtf 12 hours ago
Also, some of us are gay.
Critical_Thinker@lemm.ee 12 hours ago
You’ve drank too much ideological koolaid. People aren’t what you read in the news or a great deal of the internet.
It’s actually really easy to get a date in person if you are not a total ogre and treat women like normal people.
Weirdo white knights can easily end up as incels. Neither of those groups tend to do very well in actual social situations.
fluffykittycat@slrpnk.net 11 hours ago
It’s really easy?
drunkpostdisaster@lemmy.world 7 hours ago
This is it. I feel like I am inflicting myself on women. That I am a problem for them simply for existing. Why would I do something like that to someone if its as bad as we are always being told?
Fredthefishlord@lemmy.blahaj.zone 12 hours ago
Get out and ask some people. Plenty of women like it as long as you’re polite
SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 10 hours ago
Until you approach another wrong one and you get another lecture for saying hi
This shit is actually happening
Semi_Hemi_Demigod@lemmy.world 7 hours ago
“Polite” implies that if you’re agreeable and friendly women will understand that you’re interested in them and not just being agreeable and friendly.
I think part of the problem is that what we’re all really after is fucking, which isn’t polite at all. Being polite about it just makes you look weak and ineffective at the thing that we all say we want but can’t mention.
If any mention of sex by a man is considered inappropriate, how is a man supposed to negotiate sex?
This is a big reason why I’m engaged: We got the impolite part out of the way first.
DontMakeMoreBabies@lemm.ee 9 hours ago
Bachelor pride vibes.
SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 10 hours ago
Women don’t want to be approached in public.
Men learn this quickly.
dukeofdummies@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
It’s starting to change. It’s hardly the norm but speed dating events in New York, LA have had shortages of men.
Especially with the terrible press and stories coming from them… men are starting to just not attend.
frog_brawler@lemmy.world 5 hours ago
Most speed dating events don’t actually exist. It’s just a scam to collect money and put you on an indefinite wait list.
huzzahunimpressively@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
In high school, I tried to start dating a girl by asking for her Facebook account, but she rejected me. Something that women don’t understand is that constantly doing that is demoralizing. But I think that’s part of beign a male.
Women don’t want to be approached in public. Bro, so how are we supposed to meet each other? Telepathy?
SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 7 hours ago
I assume the ones who say that will initiate their own relationships when they are ready.
PurpleSkull@lemm.ee 7 hours ago
Like in the olden days. You raid a village with the boys and rape.
Obviously joking, though keep in mind that warfare and the subsequent rapes was usually how nations kept populations up. Plus, families have more children the poorer and more devastated an area is for some reason. So…good news! We will all have a goth GF in post-apocalyptic America.
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
Women don’t want to be approached in public.
I think the problem is that men don’t want to be approached in public. Or in private, for that matter. Half the joke of this is how antisocial, short-tempered, and easily discouraged men are.
Ilovethebomb@lemm.ee 8 hours ago
We have a tendency to assume other people think like us, so that would actually explain a lot.
missandry351@lemmings.world 7 hours ago
Men are finally leaving women alone? I never thought I would see this day!
madjo@feddit.nl 23 hours ago
Well when men keep hearing “don’t approach us”, we shouldn’t be shocked when men to approach people.
Steve@startrek.website 21 hours ago
Step 1- be attractive.
surph_ninja@lemmy.world 16 hours ago
Just be funny and not a piece of shit. My wife is so gorgeous, people immediately know I have a good sense of humor.
mosiacmango@lemm.ee 11 hours ago
At the same time, lots of men are really shitty when they “approach” women.
SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 10 hours ago
So yeah don’t approach women, got it.
Yerbouti@sh.itjust.works 20 hours ago
Cry me a river. I’ve never heard a women say “don’t approach me”, but I’ve heard many say “don’t be a douche” and “stop thinking you’re a fucking victim”.
aphonefriend@lemmy.dbzer0.com 17 hours ago
You already forgot the bear in the woods?
rabber@lemmy.ca 9 hours ago
I just got divorced at 30 after 7 years and I’m probably not going to get involved with a woman again. I’m not interested in having kids because the world is ending so it’s essentially a no win situation unless someone can change my mind on this.
There are a lot of positives being in a relationship but way more negatives. I’m just happier alone.
Malfeasant@lemm.ee 7 hours ago
My wife of 20 years just suddenly (to me anyway) decided she wants a divorce. I was 30 when we got married. Your life is just beginning. Don’t waste it feeling sorry for yourself.
rabber@lemmy.ca 7 hours ago
Yeah it need therapy. It was the loss of so many friends that really hurt me.
UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
I’m not interested in having kids because the world is ending
I’m hard pressed to point to any ten-year period in which some number of Doomers did not insist The World Is Ending.
Like, take your pick of any ten-year span during the Cold War. That butted right up against the OG World Wars, with a Great Depression breather. Before that you had plagues, famines, and economic crashes that shat all over '08 and COVID.
Westoids live in the wealthiest, easiest, most affluent era of human history. Then someone points out “hey, eating burger every day isn’t sustainable” and they conclude the world is over.
rabber@lemmy.ca 9 hours ago
Go outside, there are no bugs. We’ve lost nearly all biodiversity. It’s over bud.
uuldika@lemmy.ml 7 hours ago
Westoids live in the wealthiest, easiest, most affluent era of human history.
decades ago, houses were affordable, college was cheap, Americans weren’t crushed under mountains of dischargeable student debt, wealth disparity and effective wages were far better, and we had a far more functional political system.
I can’t think of much that hasn’t gone downhill since 2016.
Zetta@mander.xyz 9 hours ago
I imagine you will continue to get disliked and I will as well, but the world isn’t over and it’s not going to end for a long time. People are always going to claim doom in their current time.
No matter how fucked everything is in the world right now, we are, on average, still significantly better off than almost every other human in all of existence.
EndlessNightmare@reddthat.com 6 hours ago
Wholeheartedly agree on not having kids, but a vasectomy will take that off your plate.
Relationships are tough, but I’d at least keep an open mind.
JohnnyMac@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
So your saying that buying a house, which shows stability, maturity, and possibly protection, might make you more appealing to the opposite sex? Yeah that is definitely weird. Women that are looking to settle down definitely are not interest in that kind of nonsense.
rabber@lemmy.ca 8 hours ago
It just doesn’t sit right with me after being friendzoned just prior. Obviously buying a house makes me substantially more attractive yeah
MeThisGuy@feddit.nl 9 hours ago
amen brother
Snowclone@lemmy.world 4 hours ago
I feel like if people are married they should be doing therapy before they hate eachother. Seems inevitable.
rabber@lemmy.ca 4 hours ago
Therapy didn’t save us either
MoreFPSmorebetter@lemmy.zip 16 hours ago
It’s a complicated issue with a lot of layers. Like a depressing onion.
Men were told to stop approaching women for any reason in any situation. So we did.
Dating apps and websites have overinflated women’s egos and absolutely obliterated most mens egos. The average looking guy with a job and some normal hobbies is going to get very few matches where as most women get hundreds a day regardless of their level of employment or having hobbies. This leads to women believing they can find the millionaire bachelor if they just hold out for longer when in reality they are not the women that the millionaire bachelor is going to pick.
Most women still expect men to be chivalrous and pay on the first date, but they have no actual intention of pursuing a relationship with that guy. Unfortunately some women have learned they can get a free meal and entertainment for an evening at no cost if they just say yes to dates they have no interest in. Most guys have been burned by that as some point.
A lot of women are still playing games. Saying no because they want the man to “chase” them or “fight” for them. Most guys have stopped entertaining that behavior whatsoever but I still see so many women doing it. As men we can’t tell if that’s what you want or if you actually mean it when you say no so the majority of us will immediately stop pursuing you if you decline us. I’m 33 and women are STILL doing this. I thought it would taper off as I got farther from high school aged girls but from my experience it has not gone down in any significant way.
There are a million other reasons and nuanced details but I am tired of typing.
Myself and most men I know around my age who all did very well in the dating scene when we were younger have just completely given up on dating now. We have zero interest in putting in the time, energy and money into something that yeilds nothing in return these days.
Like most things I think this will reach a breaking point and things will shift but I’m not sure when that will be or what will push things over the edge.
Bacano@lemmy.world 20 hours ago
I keep saying this cause it’s a take a lot of people gloss over. I haven’t dated in a while because I’m too broke to add anything else to my budget, dive bars included. Dating takes time and money, and if I get more of either, I’m using it to better my situation before thinking about dating.
In a time where real wealth is dwindling for most young men, I can imagine I’m not alone on this.
KillingTimeItself@lemmy.dbzer0.com 7 hours ago
is the joke here that this thread is fake and gay?
Did i do a 4chan correctly?
rustyfish@lemmy.world 1 day ago
I assume years of collectively crying about it online has made something as simple and natural like dating seem like this unachievable task.
Not sure if it’s just me, but I feel like young people are less capable than ever to socialise. I thought I was a social pariah, but I don’t have shit on some people out there.
exasperation@lemm.ee 15 hours ago
18-25 in 2025 means 13-20 when COVID happened.
We’re going to see the long term effects of people in that micro generation losing much of what the high school social scene represented, that low stakes junior league of forming new relationships, where meeting is easy, with lots of natural opportunities for free interaction, and making new connections is normal. Learning to flirt in that environment is a stepping stone towards being able to navigate the adult world, where people don’t have your schedule planned out for you, and you won’t naturally see the same people 100+ days out of the year, and have 50+ chances to shoot your shot when you’re ready.
And yes, sure, the loss of third places and changing social dynamics and gender roles and the economy play a role, too, for pretty much everyone under 40. But it’s worth pointing out that this specific age cohort has special challenges on top of the issues that everyone else is living, too.
Bosht@lemmy.world 18 hours ago
Honestly, I get it’s a free text, but this is pretty easily explained. First off: dating is fucking expensive, and unfortunately standard gender roles means the dude foots the bill most of the time. Yes times are changing, but that’s still pretty standard. Pair that with the fact that dudes usually have to make the first move (again, old gender standards) and the fact that social media adds another layer of risk of being ridiculed or making someone viral because they were ‘crimge’ or ‘gave the girl the ick’ and it’s a pretty stacked deck. Hell, point one is such a strong weigh in that it’s enough to explain all of it. People are more broke than ever, and if dating by default involves going out, well guess that date isn’t going to happen.
1SimpleTailor@startrek.website 13 hours ago
A lot of people in this thread are talking about how much women suck because of X, Y, Z. But like… have you tried not dating shitty women? Or at least not getting so hung up on a woman who treats you poorly? Yeah, it sucks to be treated badly, but consider that you just dodged a bullet. You don’t need women like that in your life. Find a woman you actually connect with, someone you share interests with, not just someone you want to sleep with.
Two hard truths a lot of single men need to reckon with:
1: Most people are kind of shitty, and therefore, most women are kind of shitty. I could go on about how consumer culture and social media encourage toxic traits, but the fact of the matter is you should focus on not being a shitty person yourself, and you shouldn’t settle for shitty people either.
2: With number one in mind, you need to broaden your horizons regarding what kind of woman you’re attracted to. Porn and social media have rotted our brains when it comes to attraction. Maybe I’m just pervy, but honestly, I can find something attractive in just about everyone. 90% of people are at least a 7/10 if they put in some effort, and a 7/10 who you truly vibe with is better than a 10/10 who treats you like shit. And trust me, when you form a true romantic connection with someone, they become even more attractive in your eyes.
There are good, beautiful women out there, I know because I’m marrying one. We met online, and she’s one of the kindest and smartest people I’ve ever met, and I find her more beautiful than anyone else in the world. And I’m a fat, impoverished, autist. If I can do it, so can you.
drascus@sh.itjust.works 22 hours ago
Every time I see an article like this I think who fucking cares? Like what’s going on with men? Its a generational and cultural thing its not men’s fault. Dating sucks, people get rejected in ultra harsh ways, sometimes being filmed and then posted on social media for trying to ask someone out. If I was in the age range to be dating I wouldn’t bother.
drunkpostdisaster@lemmy.world 7 hours ago
I just don’t think people want men around.
JordanZ@lemmy.world 17 hours ago
For any free time I manage to get, dating is so far down the list of what to spend it on. Time is a premium in my life. Couple that with my past experiences dating as well as terrible stories from coworkers/friends. It’s not how I want to spend my time anymore. That’s my short answer. The longer one is more depressing but there are reasons dating just isn’t a priority for me.
pec@sh.itjust.works 18 hours ago
Third place
cynar@lemmy.world 22 hours ago
Social changes have caused chaos. A lot of the “traditional” dating methods existed to give structure to finding a partner. Unfortunately, those structures got trashed by the general update to gender roles. While these changes are great in many ways, it left young people in limbo. It was eventually replaced with online dating, for many. Unfortunately, that, in turn has been trashed by corporate takeover.
You’ve also got the outlier problem. The problematic men and women make up a small proportion of the population, but do a disproportionate amount of dating. A lot of the complaints are aimed at the problematic groups. Unfortunately, they don’t care. It’s mostly the non-problematic people who get the wrong message.
peregrin5@lemm.ee 17 hours ago
I think a lot of men are just satisfied staying home playing their video game of choice while wanking it or using online apps for hookups.
shortrounddev@lemmy.world 21 hours ago
I started dating my wife when we were both in high school so I’m lucky that I never had to try to start dating in my 20s. But when I was in high school asking out a girl was as simple as walking up and saying “do you want to go out with me?”
I asked out girls that I KNEW there was a 99% chance they’d say no, but I asked anyways. The worst they ever said was “no”. Nobody ever laughed in my face or told all their friends or spread rumors about me, they just said no thank you and I moved on.
This was like 2009-2013 mind you; I think young people are a lot more cruel now than they were then.
SuperSpruce@lemmy.zip 13 hours ago
I’ve tried and I’m still trying. As someone who is a bit shorter than average and is socially awkward, it’s tough. Recently I’ve been able to get dates with 3 girls from dating apps (due to me being better at flirting and getting a few more matches than before), but they all went nowhere.
1 girl didn’t seem to want any touching or flirty things on the first date and the conversation wasn’t smooth, so I friendzoned her.
The other 2 girls immediately started with a flirty text conversation.
I hit it off with first one over text, we were having long phone calls and sending raunchy stuff over text. I had one short date with and was planning a spicier 2nd date with but she cancelled because I asked her to be my Valentine on Valentine’s Day.
The 2nd one wanted to take things slower, and friendzoned me after 2 longer dates. She also wasn’t that into touching.
I never kissed any of these girls. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, especially with the first flirty girl.
UltraGiGaGigantic@lemmy.ml 14 hours ago
Damn, I thought I was the only basement dweller
We are to broke to spend $10 on a beer and $10 on Frenchfries at a bar.
It’s free to post a dick Pic on grindr and have a guy deliver himself to your basement to give you the most enthusiastic blow job of your life.
lightnsfw@reddthat.com 12 hours ago
For me at this point in my life trying to find someone to date just isn’t worth the effort. I have limited time, money, and mental energy and there are better ways to spend it than on women who for the most part won’t be interested in me anyway. Unless the relationship turns out great and we’re amazingly compatible it’s going to add more stress than it’s worth. I still go out with my friend (about 30% of whom are women) and we do various activities that I enjoy. I have hobbies that interest me and basically all my free time is occupied between stuff I want to do and chores. If some woman I know I get along with likes me enough to pursue something romantic I might give it a shot but otherwise I’m comfortable with things as they are and I don’t want to risk fucking that up by adding someone else into the mix.
Clinicallydepressedpoochie@lemmy.world 18 hours ago
I don’t know what the problem is there but I can say I stretched too thin. I once went on Prozac and it completely changed my energy levels for a time. Unfortunately, the effects wore off within a year and everything was a slog again. It just sucks to know what it feels like to have excess energy and all the dopamine that comes with it only to go back critically low levels.
The end of the day the amount of time I would need to sort all my shit out is just not afforded to me. So I go with incremental improvements and the way things are the world is getting shitter faster than I’m getting better.
blorps@lemmy.world 4 hours ago
reading this thread I’m glad I’m a removed in a relationship. my spouse is the best. i got so fucking lucky.
there’s a massive epidemic of loneliness out there. the loss of the free/cheap third spaces, lockdowns, and social media have made a fucking shitstorm. I’m scared for the generations below me just starting to enter the workforce. so many kids just unable to function properly.
i can’t solve it. but I’ve been putting my devices down more and (trying) to get out more. get more sunlight and fresh air, even if i just sit outside and watch the ducks. it’s hard out there. give yourself a break, okay? eat a snack and take a walk.