Why does “come here” bother me so much?

Comments

• sorebuttfromsitting@sopuli.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  you need to talk to your partner and go to counseling forthwith.

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  • capt_wolf@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    As a counselor, there’s very clearly some serious internalizing going on.

    OP, you might want to start asking yourself questions like, “Why does it REALLY bother me so much?” No offense, seriously not attacking, but your post raises some concerning flags. Counselling may be a good recommendation, because it seems there’s more going on here than is being told.

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    • GentlemanLoser@ttrpg.network ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      As a counselor, of course YOU’LL recommend counseling. Which in this case is maybe a good idea, but also, it’s totally normal for spouses to have pet peeves with one another and it doesn’t necessarily indicate an issue in the relationship.

      Source: married for 25 years

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    • DogMuffins@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      This… doesn’t sound like something a counsellor would say.

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    • Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      I think it bothers me on a couple levels. 1- I feel he keeps me in unnecessary suspense and that’s unpleasant. 2- he participates in a lot of behaviours that are self satisfying. If I’m out he will call and ask what time I’ll be home and a thousand other questions no one else would ever ask, just because he was wondering, and he wanted those wonderings satisfied. It can’t wait until I get home, it must be the second he wonders about it. 3-he thinks I have the answers to all questions, and if I don’t know he expects I’ll be the one to find the answer instead of just googling it like a normal person.

      I’m annoyed because it’s constant and habitual and anything that repeats that you find mildly annoying 5x a day for 15 years will inevitably become infuriating instead. Imagine if someone just poked you in the side 5x a day for 15 years. It doesn’t hurt. Doesn’t really affect your day. It’s just annoying and pointless. But after a while you’ll just snap and scream “why the fuck are you poking me ! Stop touching me!”

      It’s like that.

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  • bricklove@midwest.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Not OP here, what do I do if this is my mother?

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    • Swervish@lemmynsfw.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Talk to your mother and go to counseling, or don’t talk to your mother and go to counseling

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    • sorebuttfromsitting@sopuli.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      LOL wish I knew, because my mom makes this look silly. it would take three novels to explain. I went down to visit recently, and my sister and aunt were there, bless them, lovely people. Best advice I got is look out for those you care about. If you’re the only one left, then focus on you.

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    • Knusper@feddit.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Had the same problem with my mum and she did not take my complaints serious in the slightest. Especially with the pandemic, she got so used to just calling me whenever.

      I’m not fully convinced this couldn’t be solved in a less nuclear way, especially if you don’t have my mum, but I ended up resolving that issue, along with many others, by moving out.

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    • TheOtterITGuy@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Talk to them and go to counselling if it can’t be solved with a chat

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    • PrinzMegahertz@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Then you should divorce immediately

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    • ChunkMcHorkle@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Depends roughly on how old you are. Take these age ranges with a grain of salt, but:

      If you’re young, college age or younger, and still living under her roof, pick your battles but chances are excellent you’ll get up at least some of the time just to preserve the free or discounted rent situation.

      If you’re between college age and retirement age, you’ll either work it out with her as a mostly-equal adult OR you’ll go fully passive-aggressive, sit-on-my-ass, you-come-to-me – until you move the fuck out. (Why are you still there, anyway? Setbacks are one thing, but if it looks like a forever thing, take a moment and reconsider your life choices.)

      If you’re over retirement age, you’ll hop up like Almighty God herself was calling you, because now your mom is very old and very frail and very forgetful, and you REALLY don’t want to have the cops calling you because they just found her wandering around the intersection in front of the Walmart a couple miles down the road, so you hop off your ass NOW if you even think you hear her call out.

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• nadiaraven@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  “Hey hubby, I’m not sure why, but when you say “Hey come here” to me, I feel really stressed as I’m walking to you not knowing whether it’s a good ‘come here’ or a bad ‘come here’. Can we workshop a way to communicate that doesn’t feel so stressful to me? Could you say something like “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.”?”

  Tell him what you are feeling until he understands and wants to help you feel less stressed. Another option is to ask while you are walking, something simple like “good or bad?”

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  • Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    This is good. I’m going to try this.

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    • nadiaraven@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      I hope it helps!

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  • Potatos_are_not_friends@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Over dinner with friends, they were sharing their own “communication pacts”. My one friend said they had a “No gaslighting” rule where if something even sounds like a potential gaslight, they call it out and squash it.

    My wife and I have a few rules. A “No surprises” rule would resolve this issue. “Come here” is vague, which can be surprising. I’d enforce that rule.

    We review these couple rules every year or two. Been married for 15 years.

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• Mothra@mander.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  I think I get it, and maybe I’m wrong but it could be that you find it annoying because you don’t know how to set up boundaries.

  Basically if someone tells me to come here without telling me what’s all about, and I don’t want to go all the way there- I don’t go. I just yell back at them, “what is it?” Until they tell me. If they don’t, I don’t go. If they insist, I can explain I’m either busy or don’t feel like moving my lazy arse for something I don’t know what is it about.

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  • MiddleWeigh@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    It took me a while to realize how fundamentally important boundaries were to my mental health and well being. It’s super simple, so its often overlooked. It solves many many issues.

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    • Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      This is a good point. I try to set boundaries and unfortunately he’s committed to the “big reveal”. I know he’s one of those people who likes to “share” life. If he sees something fascinating, he wants me to experience the same fascination so it’s like a surprise. If it’s bad he wants me to feel the same horror he felt when he saw it. Warning me would negate the reveal. We have talked about it frequently and he doesn’t know why he does it, he understands how it could be stressful for me, but can’t seem to break his pattern.

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  • Anamana@feddit.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    This. Learn to set boundaries of something stresses you out

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  • lemann@lemmy.one ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Yupp fully on board with this one - set solid boundaries

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• Slikkie@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  “Hey, [husband], it really bothers me when you just say come here, because it makes me feel X and Y. Can you not do this anymore please? Instead, if you want to show me something say something like Z.”

  People are not mind readers. Talk to eachother.

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  • Snowpix@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Communication can solve SO many problems in relationships. It’s critical.

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• ryannathans@lemmy.fmhy.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Imagine not talking to your partner about this and instead posting online

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  • faintwhenfree@lemmus.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    It’s called nostupidquestions for a reason, my friend and judgment like yours prevents other people’s growth, however late that maybe.

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  • cazsiel@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Imagine coming online to ask people if a thing is normal or not and getting shit on instead

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• SocialMediaRefugee@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Because, unless it is an emergency, the “come here” person expects you to drop whatever you are doing and immediately switch you attention to what they are doing. If it is only “come here” then they provide, like you say, no information as to how important it is or if you even care about it. They may not intend it but it feels like a lack of respect that their time is more important than yours.

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  • LouNeko@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    As someone who’s been dealing with OPs exact scenario with a family member for 20+ years, I can 100% say that this is the only correct answer.

    What started 10 years ago with me asking nicely to drop that habit because it feels like a disrespect of my time, has over the years turned into major conflicts. I can get behind somebody calling me with a simple “come here” to get my attention, but as soon as I ask “what for?” and they go out of their way to make the reason a secret by repeating “just come here” over and over, it’s stops being a bad habit and quickly turns into straight up malice. Especially after being repeatedly told that it’s something that I value for them not to do.

    I’ve adjusted my behavior far more for people that I like a lot less, just to adhere to their comfort. If a coworker asks me not to stack boxes too high because she has trouble reaching them, I will. Even though their respect or friendship means a lot less to me than a family members or friends, I will go through this minor trouble because it’s just common courtesy.
    But for some reason, the request of giving one sentence of context for a call down two flights of stairs from a loved one, is impossible to fulfill.

    Since my situation has been going on for so long, I’ve naturally started looking into this behavioral issue and sought out other people experiences with similar things.
    Simply put, it’s a form of narcissism.
    I’ve started noticing other typical narcissistic patterns with that person too. Like for example on multiple occasions I’ve been busy with something else in another room and hear somebody dropping and breaking a plate, suddenly this person rushes to me and asks me why I made them drop the plate, because their brain is incapabile to recognize their own wrong doing. This isn’t even the most extreme example, just the most common one.

    In short, if this is something that has been going on for a long time and your requests have been ignored, that person has most likely a mental condition. This is not normal adult behavior. If you’re tethered to this person you can read up on how to deal with them or ask some experts. But just know, that getting them to change is fighting for a lost cause.

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• Showroom7561@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  You’re not alone. My wife does this all the time, usually by text, which is even more annoying since we’re always within earshot of each other.

  I think it bothers you (and me) because it’s akin to someone ringing a bell for their servant. It doesn’t value your time at all to simply call you over with no context.

  Once in a while? Fine. Always? That’s just being disrespectful.

  I’ve simply resorted to “what is it?”, “I’m busy right now” or “I’ll come later”, and that usually ends up with a “never mind”, so I know it was never something important enough to stop what I was doing.

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  • bleistift2@feddit.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    If your wife is using text instead of talking to you, I would consider that a sign of respect. At least this is why I text people I could just as easily talk to.

    Texting is inherently asynchronous. Your wife is telling you, “This isn’t urgent. Read it whenever you get the chance.” If you’re in the middle of something, texting is less obtrusive than if they just started talking with you out of nowhere.

    This is just my personal interpretation. Only you can decide if it makes sense in the context of your relationship.

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    • Showroom7561@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      If your wife is using text instead of talking to you, I would consider that a sign of respect.

      Nah, she’s just super lazy. LOL

      She knows I’ll be working, but I have to “come here” because “Can you bring up my water?”… literally just ask me to bring up water and save me two trips and 15 minutes to get back into what I was doing!

      It’s a habit that needs to be deprogrammed.

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    • Ilikepornaddict@lemmynsfw.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      For someone outside your home, I would agree with this. But for someone in the house, especially within earshot, I feel it’s the exact opposite. Just talk to me, use your words, and tell me what you want.

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• jbrains@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  I’m going to guess that it doesn’t occur to him that when someone demands your attention like that, you imagine the worst. It might help him to know that.

  I’m like you in that regard. I got used to asking back “Is there a problem?” That seemed to help me feel less stress sooner.

  Maybe the combination of these two things would help.

  Good luck.

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  • Kikkertje@aussie.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Solid advice

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• Candelestine@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  No, that’s annoying. If he’s a reasonable sort he’d be willing to recognize that too. However, fixing this kind of simple, ingrained-from-childhood habit is a pretty epic amount of effort, and I can all but guarantee he’s mentally weighing whether the effort (probably weeks to months of it) will be overall less annoying than whatever the bad habit is costing you.

  Also worthy of note that he’s probably going to severely underestimate how much it actually does cost you, because it’s not necessarily strictly logical, it’s a conditioned response that built up over time.

  Worth having a serious chat about imo.

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  • Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    We have talked about it a lot. He recognizes it’s a weird behaviour but he can’t break the habit, so the childhood thought tracks. And I also think you’re right about the effort bit. He’s lazy by nature. If something needs doing and he doesn’t know how, he just shrugs and says “I don’t know how”. But when you’re a couple, and something needs to be done, anything shrugged off by #1 becomes the responsibility of #2. Which means instead of him having to learn it, I have to. Just google it dude. Watch a youtube video, like I’m going to when you wash your hands of it. It’s easier for me to learn something new than it is for him to learn something new which is bollocks. The only reason it’s easier is because it’s not his effort. Somehow in his mind learning something new is too hard on his part, but takes zero effort on mine. Like, what?

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    • Candelestine@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      To be fair, they don’t really cover bad habit-breaking in high school. College either sometimes, depending on course of study. They probably do in the military, but most people don’t enlist.

      The information is out there though, perhaps you could find him a useful reference material that isn’t too long and covers a basic, evidence-based technique.

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    • ElmAndYew@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Ah, a bit of the ol’ weaponized incompetence.

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• ttr@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Wanting your best friend to experience something like you did for the very first time is the sole reason he’s doing this. Sure, it can be annoying, but at least it’s coming from a place of love and a hope for a common connection. He’s not trying to inconvenience you, though he may be.

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  • Drivebyhaiku@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    One thing about benign intent - it does not always matter.

    One of the things about the female experience is that there are a lot higher instances of people treating you like a child or a dog. The more you are subjected to a disrespect the shorter your fuse between the incident and the emotional response. OP has stated that this is not her first time broaching the issue with her husband. Moreover women are constantly conditioned to ignore their own feelings because people’s actions “aren’t coming from a bad place” and told to “consider the feelings of the other party.” Less often are they given space to just lay out the unvarnished reasons being what they think about something and request solidarity and understanding without the moral filter of “well that’s not very nice!” applied.

    The question was not "Why is he doing that? " the original question here was "why does this bother me?/ Am I alone in feeling this way about this thing? "What is actually being requested is a sounding board for her feelings, not a defense of the husband’s intent.

    If she thought it came from a bad place she likely would not be trying to rationalize her own feelings to help meter her response or be trying to explain her needs more accurately.

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    • Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Not sure why you’re getting downvoted here. This is accurate with every word.

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  • Smoogs@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    And it could be easily communicated with intent to share an experience just as much to explain what they saw. Laziness to communicate one thing doesn’t explain laziness to communicate another.

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• CapraObscura@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Because when someone says “COME HERE” they’re making the statement that whatever you’re doing is pointless shit that can be dropped immediately.

  I didn’t tolerate that with my parents, and I sure as shit wouldn’t tolerate it with a spouse. If you can’t be bothered to give me a reason to go there, don’t fucking tell me to go there.

  “Hey, check this shit out!” - Fine. Implies it’s on my own time. “Could you come in here?” - Fine. A request can be denied. “Come here.” - I’m not your fucking dog.

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  • hydrospanner@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    True.

    And I agree with you.

    But there’s also plenty of room in the equation for a simple benign intent, so responding with hostility and assuming the worst also seems counterproductive.

    So I agree that OP should issue some sort of a challenge response, but perhaps not go quite so directly to “I’m not your fucking dog”.

    In this specific case, I feel like, “What is it?” is a perfectly acceptable and reasonable response, that puts the ball back in the other court to determine how the rest of the exchange will go and to shed light on the tone.

    If you get a real answer, like “this cat on my phone is playing the piano” then you know it’s innocent and well intentioned and can respond more softly and/or circumvent the issue.

    On the other hand, if you get a response that addresses the request in a way like, “just get over here” then yes, draw your line in the sand and have an argument about respect.

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• raptir@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  So I’m your husband and my wife is you. I can tell you the reason I do it is that it can be difficult for me to necessarily formulate exactly what I want to say about what I want to show you. I want to share whatever experience it is, but trying to explain exactly why stresses me out.

  On the flip side my wife will just tell me what she saw after the fact and I’m left there thinking “…why didn’t you tell me to come look.”

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  • LouNeko@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    I sorry, in what world should
    “Hey, come look, theres a funny picture I want to show you.”,
    “I’m going to need your help in the garden for the next 2 hours.”,
    “I think the sink is clogged, the water doesn’t go down.”
    be communicated in the same way, by saying “come here”?

    Lacking communication skills are absolutely no excuse. If you can’t exite someone and still give them information then work on your delivery, watch some stand up or read novels, there are enough examples how to build tension with plain sight. Communication is the most important aspect in life, and you can’t improve yourself for your loved one, getoutahere.

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  • at_an_angle@lemmy.one ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    My problem is with ADHD. Sometimes, I can explain perfectly.

    Other times, the words are there, but the brain is processing too much; too fast. So ‘come here’ or ‘look at this’ is the best I can muster.

    I know the words and phrases to describe it, but it’s clogged up. So my brain reverts to: Why many word?

    Sounds like the only solution is to go slow the other person what your talking about, if able.

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• cerevant@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  This is a pet peeve of mine as well.

  Long ago I noticed that on Star Trek, nobody wanted to tell the captain what was going on over the comms, they wanted the captain to stop what they were doing and go to a different part of the ship / station. I always eyerolled at the absurdity of the staff having so little respect for the captain’s time.

  Then it started happening to me. I’m not a captain, my time isn’t that important, but have a little respect for what I’m currently engaged in? maybe?

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  • sumofchemicals@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Realizing we’re talking about an imaginary world here, but in some cases probably appropriate not to discuss sensitive matters when you don’t know who is within earshot of the communicator

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    • SickDisturbence@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Not only that but also some things require a demonstration and discussion. Why tie up bride wide comms for 30 mins while explaining something. Come here captain so we can discuss

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• moog@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  instead of letting contempt fester in you why not literally just say “im busy rn can it wait?” and then give your partner some fucking time later to share something with you they find interesting? you sound like a bitter person tbh. maybe just talk to them damn.

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  • Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    I have talked to him. He acknowledges he does it but doesn’t know why. I’ve explained how stressful it is for me, and he says he understands. I’m bitter because it annoys the fuck out of me, not because he’s trying to “share” with me.

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• syl3nt_claudio@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Sounds like you should take this up to him, and ask him yourself, having communication is really important, and remember, you could be doing something that also annoys him and he doesn’t say anything

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• richieadler@lemmy.myserv.one ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Start putting limits. “No, I’m not going until you tell me what’s about.” Ignore any immediately subsequent invocation. Actions speak.

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  • wewbull@feddit.uk ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    This. He can say “come here” all he likes. Doesn’t mean OP gets up and goes. That’s called “choice”.

    Even saying “Not now, busy!” occasionally puts OP back in control.

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• mojofrododojo@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ?

  maybe he just wants to spend time close to you. maybe he likes the way you smell, or the way you stand near him.

  it’s selfish and silly to ask you to drop whatever you’re doing to attend him, that’s inconsiderate and you need to find a way to communicate it. but perhaps he’s just bad at requesting your company.

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• squiblet@kbin.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  My gf used to do that and I found it super annoying. Seems obvious why - do I want to get up over and over again and walk into the other room? No. I might be busy doing something, also. Sometimes the things she’d want me to see were very trivial, too. So it’s just inconsiderate.

  I explained I found it annoying and had to mushy start saying “no”. She also does a similar thing verbally, like she’ll say my name from 2-3 rooms away. I’ve asked her to rather than say my name and make me yell across the house, please just say whatever it is, or even better, SHE can get up and tell me. To make it more annoying, sometimes she says my name, i respond, then she doesn’t say anything. Again, it’s inconsiderate. I don’t want to be required to shout “YES??”. I e asked her repeatedly to please not do it and she still does.

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  • Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Are you sure your girlfriend isn’t my husband ? It’s just fucking annoying. Just tell me what you want. Or as he so condescendingly says to me when I’ve decided something isn’t worth discussing (he’s the king of talking things through until I see his point and agree with him) he tells me to “use my words”. The reason I’m not using my words is because it’s not worth the following 4 hour debate about how I should see things his way.

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    • cavedueller@kbin.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      He obviously needs to use his words to tell you what he wants.

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• ChrisMcConnell@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  I can relate. I’m a words person. If my wife tells me to come see something, I’m thinking “just fucking tell me.” If I click on a news link, and it’s a video instead of an article, it’s the same thing: “just fucking tell me.” But not everybody is a words person.

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  • Crashumbc@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    OMG, I’ll spend an hour looking for an article or a description of a fix for an issue, before I’ll watch a 10 minute video on it! Mostly because that video has about 9 minutes of complete bullshit before answering my question.

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• DeltaTangoLima@reddrefuge.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  “Come here” feels unnecessarily directive to me. Like you, I’d be annoyed too if someone tried demanding my presence like that. You’re not his to command.

  My wife and I, if we want the other to see something, usually just say “Hey babe - check this out”, and the other feels comfortable saying “Hang on” if they’re doing something else. If it has some urgency, we’ll add context: “Hey babe - come see what this idiot’s doing in his car out the front”. If what we want to show is portable (eg. a video on our phone) then we go to them.

  Next time, I’d just respond with “What is it?”.

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  • ryannathans@lemmy.fmhy.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    That’s literally the same thing

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    • DeltaTangoLima@reddrefuge.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Nah, not really, but I get that it’s hard to infer tone in a written post.

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• Stalinwolf@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  I can see how this would be exhausting after a while. I get a “come here” from my wife every couple of days or so when my daughter is doing something cute, or something weird is happening outside. It’s generally reserved (for the most part) for something fleeting that’s worth coming there to see.

  As Tyrone from Trailer Park Boys would say, “You’re sayin’ “come here’” too many times! 80 or 90 times? That’s too many times! Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, man?! That’s too many “come heres”, know’m sayin’? That’s too many times. Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times?”

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  • SuddenDownpour@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    I’m not sure I got the message Tyrone is trying to tell. Could you have him say it 77 or 87 more times?

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  • sorebuttfromsitting@sopuli.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    you are a dangerous dog, to bring TPB in here.

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• Dick_Justice@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Aw, he just wants to share something with you.

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• RightHandOfIkaros@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  This sounds like a you problem that can only be resolved by talking to him about it. Maybe a counselor or therapist if necessary.

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  • Chariotwheel@kbin.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Yeah, kinda sounds like the husband may just be unaware of what's ticking OP off. Even if they show displeasure, if they don't properly verbalize it, they may just be annoyed at the subject matter, rather than how the husband is calling them.

    Some people, like me, are daft as hell and need some things to be spelled out for them.

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    • Vilian@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      as a boyfriend i talk like this too, i don’t think my girlfriend bothers, but i never thought about it, yes, she need to talk to him cos he never gonna know

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    • Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Oh no I have verbalized it. He acknowledges it’s inappropriate and keeping me in unnecessary suspense. But he doesn’t know why he does it so … shrug. He even apologized for it last night as soon as i said something about it (raccoons just sitting on the roof). It was 1am and I was dead asleep and he called me on my phone to wake me to come outside right away and see this. A 1am urgent call from outside the house when I’m dead asleep should be about someone being dead, not “there are two raccoons sitting on the roof of our sunroom.”

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• Tischkante@kbin.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Maybe it's a language barrier thing "come here" sounds rude to my German brain. Like an order you give a dog, not the way you ask a person to come to you. "Check this out" seems the same but it sounds much better to me.

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  • TheRealKuni@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    My guess is that in usage it’s more like, “(hey) c’mere,” which would be less commanding and more friendly. Tone of voice can also play a big role on this particular phrase.

    But you’re right, “come here” can be rude or bossy.

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• tau@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  What would annoy me about it at least, is the implication that whatever you’re currently doing doesn’t matter at all. To him, whatever is currently on his mind takes precedence over anything you could possibly be doing at the same time. He doesn’t even think about how important or relevant to you the thing is that he wants to show you, because he doesn’t value your time the same as his. You’re supposed to just drop everything and do as you’re told.

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  • Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    This is also part of the annoyance. He has no problem with interrupting me for whatever he thinks is interesting. I do sometimes feel like he treats me like the entertainment a bit. When he gets a new game, he doesn’t necessarily even want to play it himself first, he wants ME to play it and he gets to watch while I struggle and learn all the shit. I work a very intellectually demanding job and most times the last thing I want to do at 10pm on a Tuesday is learn a whole new thing. If I’m out and he wonders when I’ll be home, or if what I’m doing, or even has a thought he will call me. I’ve explained to him a thousand times that he doesn’t need to know where I am every second of every day, not because he thinks I’m doing anything, but because he just wonders and that curiosity must immediately be satisfied. It’s so stressful to be out with your fucking mom and he calls five minutes after you leave the house and then 10 more times over the next two hours just wondering when you’ll be home. Like, he can’t even wonder. He has to call me so I can give him an answer. It’s exhausting. My mother says it’s a control thing but I don’t think so. I think it’s an urge being satisfied thing.

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• BobbyBandwidth@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Because “come here” is a command, and when a pattern emerges over the lifetime of a relationship it is disrespectful to you. Are you a dog?

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• DaBabyAteMaDingo@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  I understand that it bothers you when he asks but maybe it’s because you feel obligated to get up and go?

  Have you tried not doing that? Seriously, tell that dude to tell you what it is or ignore him until he comes to you. You’re the master of your brain, big dawg. Don’t stress 🙏

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• Guy_Fieris_Hair@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  My wife doesn’t do it all the time more when we first got together but she would call my name, like I’m a fucking dog. I just started saying “What?” Sometimes she would just say “come here” as a response and I would just give an akward silence for a second and say “Why?” with some attitude behind it. She figured out that it bothered me and stopped. Communication is cool.

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• AttackBunny@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Not the same by my husband used to start to tell me something bad, without any other info. As he’d be telling me whatever it was, I’d be tallying the cost in my head. When you’re listening to a story, and stressing the fuck out about the tens of thousands, or more it was going to cost to fix its terrible and an emotional roller coaster you don’t need. Eventually, after explaining multiple times, what he was doing to me, it finally clicked. So now he’ll tell me things like “so, I broke the blah blah, but I was able to fix it for $10 and some bloody knuckles.” Then he tells his story, and I’m able to actually listen and participate in then conversation.

  He also used to tell me stuff like “oh btw we need to talk about xxx” and then try to get off the phone. Xxx was always something that could be really bad or just funny story. I broke him of that habit too. Now it’s more like “everything’s fine, just need to talk about xxx” this one’s like someone telling you “we need to talk” and then leaving you hanging for a day or two imo.

  Only thing I call tell you is to talk to him. Explain in great detail exactly how stressful it is to you. He SHOULD be willing to change his action to stop hurting you. If he’s not, base your choices off that.

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  • jiji@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Semi-related, my dad taught me if no one was hurt/nothing bad happened to start with that. Like if a friend was in a car accident I start “Everyone is ok, but Michael got rear ended this morning” or “There was minimal damage thankfully, but a tornado went through Jessica’s neighborhood last night”. No point in making someone go through that roller coaster.

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    • AttackBunny@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Yup. Basically the same thing. I got run over by a deer in my Miata. Car was still drivable-ish but the windshield was smashed on the passenger side (along with a lot of ultimately non critical parts, largely cosmetic). I was trying to decide whether I should try to limp it to my shop (like 3 miles away on low traffic residential roads) or try to get a tow, from a very unsafe location to be broken down, on a highway. I started the conversation “I’m fine, but I just hit a deer”. Imo it’s the polite way to treat bad news about loved ones.

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• Tuss@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  I think you alone might need some counseling. Because that is not healthy. Just enjoy the fact that your partner invests time, thought and energy in you by showing you stuff.

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