Why does “come here” bother me so much?

Submitted ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨Saraphim@lemmy.world⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

Ok, I have no idea why this bothers me and I don’t even know what to call it. My husband is a “come here” guy. Something he thinks is interesting and wants to show me - hey, come here! Nuclear apocalypse - hey, come here! Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ? I never know if it’s going to be legitimate, a disaster, or something stupid. The walk to wherever he is is insanely stressful because the whole time I’m running through all possible horrible scenarios (we’ve had a lot of issues at the house lately so I never know if I’m going to find water in the basement or raccoons in the attic or a hole in my foundation, or just him looking at a funny cat video). I’d rather he say “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.” Instead I have to have the whole performance and reveal and I fucking hate it. Anyone else know what I’m talking about or am I just mental ?

source

Comments

Sort:hotnew top

jpreston2005@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
tell him to stop issueing the command of “come here,” and instead offer up alternatives.

“Hey, you got a second to see this?”

“Honey, you gotta check this out!”

“Honey, drop everything you’re doing and run to me”

“Hey babe, come experience this crazy thing with me!”

source
Smoogs@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
it’s more to do with their inability to use words to describe what they are seeing. Lack of ability to communicate. And yes, it can be very exhausting. You just reminded me of one relationship I’m actually very very relieved it ended because he was very much a draining human being.

source
Tygr@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
20 years ago when my wife and I first got together, we had a lot of minor issues like this (minor to me not for you).

She was a “come here” lady and I would prance, leap, breathe like a dog, move my head in joyous ways and bark as I came to her. It was a hilarious way for me to say it’s kinda disrespectful.

It’s all about communication. Just have a talk.

source
- RadButNotAChad@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  Wait. Communicate about how something that your significant other does that bothers you instead of coming to the internet to see if it should bother you in the first place? That seems completely unreasonable. Talking bout feelings. Jeez.
  
  But for real, you hit the nail on the head. A little bit of ‘When you do X it makes me feel Y’ goes a long way.
  
  source
iegod@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
You are normal and have every right to be bothered by it. Have a chat with them and let them know how much it bugs you, and offer them an easy fix: just provide context.

source
- Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  I guess that’s what I’m here for, context. I feel like I can’t adequately explain why it’s upsetting when I can’t even explain it to myself. It seems like such a small silly thing to object to but it really freaking stresses me out and ticks me off. Sometimes other peoples’ thoughts help give context to your own.
  
  source
  - RojaBunny@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    I think some of the other commenters pointing out that it reads as a command is probably a big one, but you did a pretty good job of explaining it here (imo). Even just saying to him that you want a heads up of if it’s good or bad and working out a system so you don’t stress would probably be a marked improvement for you, and I would bet it’d be an easy fix.
    
    source
Vub@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
Tell him “No, if you want something from me come to me, I am not a puppy”. That should be enough. See how he reacts, either like a bratty kid or like an adult.

source
- fkn@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  That’s literally the same thing. He isn’t a dog either. Both people should be going to the other. Plus if one person is in the middle of something that can’t be paused, the other person should do the moving.
  
  If it is always an order, then there is an issue.
  
  source
  - Vub@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    In the case that you give as an example or an emergency, sure I agree. But that’s rare. To demand someone getting up and coming to you because you want something undefined is really rude, that’s not normal. I don’t think it’s the same thing at all to tell them what I suggested.
    
    source
    -> View More Comments
FlyingSquid@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
When my wife sees something interesting in the car, she just points and says, “look!” And by the time I figure out what I’m supposed to look at, it’s already gone.

source
- 667@kbin.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  When this happens to me, I pick out the most obvious thing in the general direction my partner has pointed and say something about it, like “wow, that is a lot of trees!”
  
  Makes my partner immediately explain what they saw, and I remind them that they’ve got to be specific. It’s gotten better.
  
  source
  - FlyingSquid@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    I’ve tried things like that before. It’s a lost cause.
    
    source
faintwhenfree@lemmus.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
I have a different nickname for my wife when I want her to come to me. So it’s just so easy I just have to shout and she’ll show up in a matter of seconds. But if call her by regular name, she’ll just reply asking. WHAAAT?

Also I think you’re bothered because “come here” is just so basic, feels like an order, we see ourselves as something being told to dogs. Just two more words can change the tone a lot “can you come here?”

source
wylderbuilds@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
You hate it precisely because of how you described it. It’s a game where you often end up paying a price, where the reveal is more often a punishment, not a reward. You’ve sensibly learned to dread it.

His half of the game is that always gets is to see your reaction in the moment. If it’s something bad, he gets a big reaction out of you. It’s always a payout for him. Not for you.

source
Skkorm@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
I have a similar issue with a co-worker that I trained under for a while: when he wanted to show me how to do a thing, he wouldn’t tell me what he was instructing me on, he would just start walking me through steps so that he could reveal what was finished at the end.

I ended up having a blow up where I told him to tell me what I was doing before I started doing it, and that he isn’t a fucking magician

source
redimk@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
My mother is like this as well, when I was little she used to only say “come here!”, and if I wasn’t showing up right next to her she wouldn’t say what she wanted to say, she would just stay silent. Sometimes it was only to let me know it was someone’s birthday.

She even says it unconsciously now. She lives in Venezuela, I live in Brazil now, and during calls she still says “come here” and every time I tell her “Now how am I gonna go there right now? Are you paying for the plane tickets?”

It’s not just you, you’re not mental, it’s fucking frustrating and at some point in my life I just decided not to react to her “come here” and keep quiet until she tells me what she wants, otherwise I’m not interested.

source
EyIchFragDochNur@feddit.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

Why

Because you’re not the property of a huge baby

source
Lanthanae@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
Follow up question, have you had a discussion with him about this? Have you two attempted to approach and solve this problem as a team already?

source
BilboBargains@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
I’ve heard other people complain about this behaviour. The problem is that your husband is extorting a reaction from you. You are obliged to generate the reaction, out of politeness and respect for his feelings. There is a cost attached to this performance that you are bearing but not really much of a reward. I know because I’m doing it to my wife and she hates it. My daughter is doing it to me and I hate it. I should stop but torturing her like this is fulfilling some dark corner of my mind.

source
- Bitchfit@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  
  I should stop but torturing her like this is fulfilling some dark corner of my mind.
  
  What the fuck my dude?
  
  source
  - BilboBargains@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    Some people say this is one aspect of an attention deficit disorder. For more hilarious examples of the pathology, have a watch of What We Do In The Shadows.
    
    source
    -> View More Comments
TheInsane42@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
I guess it bothers you as it’s a command, not a request. I’m not to responsive to commands as well. My wife doesn’t give them, but states a situation, usually expecting I drop everything and respond. (almost as bad)

As someone already reacted, in the car I get a ‘look’ as well, but th’s usually because she sees an old car. (When busy with traffic, I miss it, but we have some nice spots)

Some consideration from your partner is appreciated though, but that requires telling what is wrong as well. Without communication the problem only escalates. (Which usually doesn’t bode well for relationships)

source
- Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  Hmm that’s part of it. But I literally never know what I’m walking in to. About 2 months ago he was yelling “a little help here. Hurry. I need you.” He said those three things instead of “I cut my hand in the garage, bring a towel because I’m bleeding”. Nope he yelled at me vaguely and then acted annoyed when I didn’t hurry and he was clearly bleeding everywhere and then snapped at me to go get him a towel and move faster because it was an emergency.
  
  source
  - TheInsane42@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    Oh help, bloody idiot (litteraly). Looks like a pampered kid. Was he an only child? The 1st thing a child learns (when out of diapers) in a multiple kid family is to be clear when you need help and help yourself first/as much as possible. When a person is not clear what they want, they have only themselves to blame when others don’t understand what they want. (but alas, it looks like you have some educating to do, but I doubt it’ll stick)
    
    I had an accident (several even) with blood loss, but even with a concussion (after a head-bud from a wheelbarrow, resulting in it and a huge nosebleed) it was clear that just shouting would be useless, so I went to the spot where the help was available. Yes, blood all around, most of it on clothes and outside, but that could be cleaned. I know my wife would rather clean up later then find a non-functioning husband.
    
    source
musicalcactus@midwest.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
What does he do if you stay where you’re at and ask what he wants you for?

source
- Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  “You’ll see! Just come here!” 80% of the time it’s nothing at all. The other 20% it’s something bad involving blood or damage to our house or something equally awful and devastating. It’s horrible to do the execution walk to see which one I’m going to get. He even once needed stitches and was bleeding everywhere and wouldn’t tell me what he wanted, just that I needed to hurry and he needed a hand. I had to experience the big reveal and see the blood everywhere before he told me he needed a towel from inside the house where I’d just been.
  
  Even emergencies he won’t tell me. “I’ll see” when I get there. Surprise!
  
  source
  - musicalcactus@midwest.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    That sounds awful. I dunno. I mean, at the heart of it all, on some level you’re allowing him to continue this behavior by going to him each time. If you don’t go, he has to either keep calling until you give in, or if you don’t give in, he can get pouty about it, yell about it, or eventually come and actually find you.
    
    If you stand your ground and refuse, eventually he has to change his behavior. But, getting to that point will be very uncomfortable. So the question is, how much do you want things to change? Are you willing to go through that discomfort to get your needs met?
    
    source
Nioxic@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
Thats just how he talks. Tell him to try and rephrase it. It can take a while if he is stuck in his old ways though.

source
FReddit@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
As others have noted, this is a command, an imperative in grammatical terms. It’s offensive. The last thing I want to hear after a shit day at work is someone telling me what to do.

Maybe talk to him about this maybe get him to phrase it differently. “I found something I think you’ld like,” or something like that.

source
- lorez@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  It depends on the tone. Lots of times I called a friend of mine to show him something cool. It was not a command. More like a request, a happy one. But I think her problem can be solved with simple communication: just explain like you did here and you even proposed solutions so you know what to do.
  
  source
EatMyDick@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
You sound mental. Talk to someone.

source
Boozilla@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
I hate it, too. It’s like someone ordering a circus animal to perform.

I also hate it when I get vague open-ended texts like “favor?”.

source
- meekah@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  I’m not even sure what that text is asking of you lmao
  
  Do they want a favor from you or do they want to make you a favor?
  
  source
Eternity_html@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
I’ll add to this with the constant “look at this thing on my phone.” It is so obnoxious.

source
- Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  I hhaaaaate looking at things on his phone. We don’t find the same stuff funny and I hate videos. I’ve got the joke after the first five seconds, please don’t make me watch 8 minutes of this.
  
  source
just_ducky_in_NH@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
My husband does this too, and when I ask “What’s up?” he coyly replies “You’ll see!” Argh!

source
- Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  THIS! You’ll see. Why ? WHY?? Just tell me
  
  source
LouNeko@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
There seems to be two kinds of people giving advice here. The ones that try to analyze the situation rationally and give both of you the benefit of the doubt and the ones that have actual experience dealing with a person like this. I’ve been dealing with the exact same thing as you for over two decades. If you can’t live with this issue don’t bother trying to fix it. If that person ignores your request for comfort repeatedly it is definetly a mental health issue.\

It could be trauma or fear of rejection. Maybe they are afraid that if they give you the choice to come to them instead of commanding it, you could reject them and they are afraid of that feeling. Thats the best case scenario, because this can be worked on.

They could also be just plain stupid. Forgetting that you asked them not to do that, or not knowing how to fully communicate their intent. This sucks, because it’s really not their fault.

It could be a form to get pleasure from control. As long as they keep calling you and you keep coming they will get the happy chemicals in their brain. This sucks too, but if you stop complying they will likely find something else to give them the same feeling.

Worst case, they are a narcissist, who don’t value your time or opinion but will pretend they do just enough to not inconvenience them. This sucks the most, because they will never change - their brain is hardwired that way. They can only be learned to be dealth with, ignored or avoided.

I’m not an expert in psychology, just somebody who had to deal with this issue long enough to know how it slowly wears you down and poisons your relationship.
source
bradorsomething@ttrpg.network ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
It’s a manipulation of sorts; you’ve followed the first command so now there’s an expectation to follow the next when you get there.

source
Camzing@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
No! You go over there!

source
amio@kbin.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
Did you tell him?

source
- Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  Oh yes. But he has zero impulse control (because he practices none) so the second he thinks about something he wants to show me he does it again
  
  source
  - 30mag@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    That is the reason it bothers you so much.
    
    source
Draegur@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
your post has just illustrated to me how blissfully uncommon it is that anyone ever tells me to “come here”.

I can’t tell you the last time someone said it. I’m sure it’s not super long ago but I don’t remember a specific circumstance.

There have been differently phrased instances, though:

“hey, can you have a look at this for me please?”
or
“i’d like to show you something”
or
“i need your help with something”
or
“i want to go over something with you when you get a chance” while implying by nodding toward the hallway out of earshot from the others in the office
etc.

…
jordan howlett does it on his youtube shorts though i guess? but that’s not to ME, that’s to the whole audience. and he zooms in with his phone camera. freaking love that guy.

source
Spiffypoop@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
My wife does this, and I understand where you’re coming from. Especially if I’m in the middle of something. Although, at least for me, it’s usually a nice thing she wants to show me, I’d rather know what she wants me for before I make my way over to her. If I ever need her presence I go to her and tell her what I need her for, but she always tells for me in another room. I think that’s what bothers me about it. I’d like her to do for me what I do for her.

source
Jackiedoodle@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
This is an annoying trait that my moms husband has. It’s ok to let it annoy you. It shouldn’t be fucking with your day. If he says come here just say I’m doing or in x(watching the TV, in the kitchen, eating lunch, cleaning) it doesn’t need to be super important but it’ll just communicate you’re doing something she he can bring the news to you. It should not stress you out though. Just change the dynamic a bit.

source
rolu@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
Tell me you’re fat without telling me you’re fat

source
- Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  What the fuck is wrong with you ?
  
  source
Norgur@kbin.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
My wife does that, too. I mean, yes, sometimes we just want to show something and sometimes it's only cool with a tad of surprise (a cat that has hidden in a funny spot or something), but she has me running around for absolutely nothing very often.

source

-> View More Comments