Would you ever straight up say to your son, ‘You are a disappointment’?
No, unless they became a pedophile, serial killer, rapist or something extreme like that
Would you ever call your son a disappointment?
Submitted 2 days ago by PixelNomad@sopuli.xyz to [deleted]
Comments
OriginEnergySux@lemmy.world 2 days ago
monkeyman76@fedinsfw.app 1 day ago
Or an influencer.
OriginEnergySux@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 1 day ago
depends on what they do. theres 2 types, a rich influencer (the most common as most of them tend to come from upper middle class and beyond) and the “semi not come from money ones”. if they produce greed slop likes of mr beast or become a uninformed political influencer than that would be a disappointment.
Pholous@piefed.social 1 day ago
Being a pedophile isn’t a choice, it’s a psychological dysfunction. Acting on that impulse is a crime and something to be punished - or treated in a medical facility.
ickplant@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Thank you for saying that. I have worked with MAPs (minor attracted people), and majority of them do not want to offend, and understand they can never act on their desires. They were actively seeking treatment and felt suicidal because of their attraction.
OriginEnergySux@lemmy.world 1 day ago
I dont care. If my hypothetical son that will never be born turns into a pedophile and has sex with children, then i will call them a dissapointment.
Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 1 day ago
wouldnt that be the fault of the parent for not monitoring the upbring of thier children.
OriginEnergySux@lemmy.world 1 day ago
probably i dunno, i hate kids
Janx@piefed.social 13 hours ago
My dad said it to me. I sat him down, looked him in his eyes and said, “Hi, Disappointed. I’m Son!”
abbadon420@sh.itjust.works 1 day ago
No, but I would say something like “I am very dissapointed in you for doing X”. A kid can’t change who they “are”, but they can change what they “do”.
scarabic@lemmy.world 1 day ago
This is a key distinction. To make sure they understand it properly, I usually push it even further to “You did a disappointing thing.”
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Those are the same things. You are what you do.
scarabic@lemmy.world 1 day ago
You can choose and change what you do.
You can’t choose or change what you are.
If you get confused about do / be just refer back to those rules and you’ll know which one applies.
mojofrododojo@lemmy.world 1 day ago
if they were hateful. punching down types. maga. racists. yeah, yeah, I would.
DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works 2 days ago
Bruh I’m an Asian son and I’ve been on the receiving end of these words 💀
Kolanaki@pawb.social 1 day ago
If they were disappointing, maybe.
01189998819991197253@infosec.pub 8 hours ago
But would they be a disappointment or would you be disappointed in them? Meaning: should they cease to exist, or should their actions cease to exist? Maybe I’m looking at it wrong, but, to me, that’s the difference between “being a disappointment” and “bring disappointing”.
Sharkticon@lemmy.zip 1 day ago
It’s extremely hard to imagine but yeah there are lines.
RBWells@lemmy.world 15 hours ago
What the actual fuck? NO. Kids who are little are little kids, they are all potential, you can be somewhat disappointed in their behavior occasionally but not them. Grown kids are grownups with their own lives, they can disappoint themselves I guess but not me, and if they somehow managed it I still would not say that, they don’t exist to satisfy me, that’s not the point of having kids. Had kids to have a family and to grow some independent adults so they could have lives of their own.
KissyCat@lemmy.world 11 hours ago
Absolutely not. No matter what they have done, my love and support is unconditional. They may do things I don’t approve of, but I try to understand what motivates them and forgive them.
dogs0n@sh.itjust.works 7 hours ago
Even if they murder your dog in cold blood and eat it?
BilboBargains@lemmy.world 11 hours ago
It’s difficult to imagine a situation where this would be an appropriate thing to say. We don’t get to choose how we feel but articulating those feelings can be incredibly damaging. I would think carefully about why you think that. Children need love and compassion no matter what, else they may find themselves in the same situation that you are now in.
dogs0n@sh.itjust.works 7 hours ago
Maybe they eat your dog?
OhStopYellingAtMe@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Yeah, if he came home spirting a maga hat or a Charlie Kirk t-shirt or something.
I’m raising my kid to be smart and to care about others. So really I’d be disappointed in myself for not being a better teacher.corsicanguppy@lemmy.ca 1 day ago
No. “Being a disappointing,” yes. “A disappointment,” no.
The difference is one is a fixable behaviour, and the other is an identity.
9tr6gyp3@lemmy.world 2 days ago
I wouldn’t call any child, as a human, a disappointment, but I believe there are some rare occasions where their actions should be framed as disappointing.
Label the action disappointing, explain the reasoning that led to that conclusion, and explain how it could affect the future for both the parents and the child. Communication is key, and also try to leave some room for the child to grow. The less often you call something disappointing, the more powerful it can be, and can be used as a way to seriously correct behavior.
madcaesar@lemmy.world 23 hours ago
If they were a triple Trumper, yes.
But in all seriousness, you’re a disappointment sounds like a line from a movie, real life doesn’t really do dialog like that.
01189998819991197253@infosec.pub 8 hours ago
real life doesn’t really do dialog like that.
It with great sadness that I report to you, that real life does, in fact, dialog in this exact fashion at times.
BarbecueCowboy@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 day ago
This is some really heavy parenting. I hope I’d never have to, but if it was warranted it would be very important that it was actionable. I.e., I’m disappointed in you because you’re doing [x] and you need to do [y]. It’s my job as a parent in this situation to communicate why and how to do better.
spencerwi@feddit.org 1 day ago
No.
I might, if what they did were severe enough, express that what they did is disappointing. But that’s different from branding them with the iron of disappointment-as-identity. Everyone does stuff sometimes that is worse than they aspire to be. The trick is coming back from it, learning and growing and changing.
I remember how it felt the day I asked my mom, after she had smacked me around a bunch and screamed at me for stuff she made up about me, “what did I ever do to you to make you hate me this much?”, and she screamed back “YOU WERE BORN!”
I was 12. No kid should ever feel the hopelessness and abandonment I felt in that moment.
ephrin@sh.itjust.works 1 day ago
I’m sorry that happened to you.
spencerwi@feddit.org 17 hours ago
Thanks. It wasn’t the worst thing she did, but it was particularly crystallizing.
I’ve done a lot of work on healing from it since. I’ve got a kid now, and it’s been healing to live every day in a way that shows that you totally can just love your kid and not have to treat them like that.
TractorDuffy@lemmy.world 1 day ago
I wouldn’t have children because I’m not a selfish psychopath.
IWW4@lemmy.zip 2 days ago
His behavior yes. He lack of behavior yes. Never him.
daggermoon@piefed.world 1 day ago
He don’t say it but I can see it in his eyes.
ickplant@lemmy.world 1 day ago
No, like others said I might point out his behavior is disappointing, but never him.
laranis@lemmy.zip 1 day ago
I once explored the hypothetical of what would make me abandon the love for one of my kids. I went with something awful: imagine we found out they were a gruesome serial killer in secret. I decided after pondering it that I would continue to love and support them even through that. No one else would, rightfully so. But I think it is my duty even when the rest of humanity has abandoned them.
Writing this I thought of a variation. Instead of a serial killer, what if they murdered my spouse or one of their siblings. I’ll have to ponder that. I’d like to think I’d have the same unconditional love but I’m really not sure. In that case I might have to admit that I’m disappointed in them.
angrystego@lemmy.world 1 day ago
If he turned out to be a cold psychopatic serial killer, I would.
scarabic@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Never. My son is a person I could never have imagined. I don’t see what relevance my expectations of him are to anyone or anything. I’m not sure I ever had any.
Why should I? Our children are not products we purchased or objects we crafted. They are new beings coming into the universe under our care but for a while.
You discharge that responsibility on their behalf. That’s it. Of course that means setting standards for them to meet, but even this discipline you do for their own sake. You don’t get expect them to be anything.
That’s negotiating with fate - about as pointless as negotiating with death.
Nemo@slrpnk.net 1 day ago
I wouldn’t say that to anybody.
Strider@lemmy.world 1 day ago
No
Josey_Wales@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Variation on the theme: would you ever tell your child “You weren’t worth it.”
OP assuming you are asking for a reason, my view after some time is that when a parent make a statements like that it reflects more about the parent than the child.
fizzle@quokk.au 1 day ago
No.
Some people really seem to get something out of hurting other people. My best guess is that its a learned coping mechanism. “I feel bad so im going to make you feel bad and your response might fix whatever i feel bad about”.
The only appropriate response is that whoever said that is a disappointing human.
Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world 1 day ago
I can’t imagine ever saying that.
SCmSTR@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 day ago
No. Because that’s shitty and dumb.
As a parent, it is your responsibility. So if your kid is disappointing you, it is you who have fucked up.
Do something about it.
01189998819991197253@infosec.pub 8 hours ago
No. That’s a terrible name!