How did you guys deal with the death of a parent?

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Submitted ⁨⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨fossilesque@mander.xyz⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

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Steve@communick.news ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
My mother died 11 months ago. Brain cancer.
I just kept going. If I had to go to work, I did. If I had to take a minute or 20 to collect myself at a random moment, I took it.

Before her diagnosis in December of 2024, we were planing on her visiting, and us going to see White Sands a couple hours away. I took the trip last April, just me and a little urn. That was a good trip. A few days mostly alone in a quiet place.

It worried my father, my going by myself. But I reminded him even as a kid, I always wanted solitude when I was upset, this wasn’t any different.

But that’s me. You should trust yourself. Greve how you feel is right for you.

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- Whostosay@sh.itjust.works ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  
  Greve how you feel is right for you.
  
  This typo is extremely on brand, follow for more Greve with Steve tips.
  
  In all seriousness, that sounds lovely. You’re a good dude for writing this and trying to help out
  
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thagoat@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I lost my mom to cancer when I was 21. She was the only parent I had. She was 47.

To say it messed me up is a world class understatement. I was drunk for about 7 years.

But honestly what turned it around for me was, of course, time and surprisingly starting a family of my own.

I’m not recommending alcoholism or having children as a recourse to losing a parent. What I’m saying is time, and living your life, will help.

It sucks, and the pain is horrendous, but hang in there. This too shall pass.

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Apytele@sh.itjust.works ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I’m so happy for you that you had a parent you’re able to miss.

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RBWells@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
My dad died when I was 16, it sucked so bad. We were close and I was not so close to my mom. It just gets smaller and smaller until it’s manageable. Grief is one thing that there is no way out but through, you shouldn’t wallow but you have to feel it or it will be worse.

My mom died when she was old and I was more ready for that, and think she was too. That didn’t hurt as much at all because I had more time to know it was coming, so I guess the emotional work happened beforehand.

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IWW4@lemmy.zip ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I am happy for you that you miss your parent.

My mother was a vitriolic nasty bitch who I had cut out of my life so when she finally died it was a relief to see the rest of my siblings be done with her madness.

My father has had cognizant decline for about ten years now and is pretty much at the point where he is just corpse walking around trying not to shit and piss his pants. Dude has three PHDs, has written well over 20 textbooks and was a college professor for decades. Now he can’t even read a menu. It is tough to watch and it is past time for him to die.

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BeardededSquidward@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Sorry for your loss. I like the analogy of the box and the ball to describe how grief works initially then changes overtime.

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- some_designer_dude@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  You should probably expand on that unless you’re trying to give OP some kind of research assignment.
  
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  - BeardededSquidward@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Good point, for the OP this is what I am talking about. https://mantracare.org/therapy/grief/the-ball-and-the-box/
    
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naught101@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I haven’t had a parent die, but a close friend. As others have said, it sucks, it’s hard, it comes in waves. Gradually the waves fade into ripples that just become part of who you are.

Long term, one of the things that helped me most with grieving is the Mexican concept of the three deaths, which I picked up initially through the Pixar film Coco. The idea is basically that people live on beyond physical death in the memories of others. To me this isn’t all that different to normal memories of living people (that you haven’t seen in a while). Those people still influence the thoughts and emotions and actions of the people who knew them, and in that way they continue to be part of the living world.

Idk, it doesn’t change the fact that they are gone, but it makes it also feel like they are still here in a way that means the love that existed before is still here too.

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bassad@jlai.lu ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
You cry less day after day.

But it takes time, for me it was years.

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- fossilesque@mander.xyz ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Yea, I think this is where I’ll be.
  
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Ryanmiller70@lemmy.zip ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I lost my mom back in January. I was luckily already going to a therapist who helped me deal with the initial shock and panic of her no longer being in my daily life. It’s still hard knowing I can’t speak to her about random bullshit daily like I used to. I guess I just have small moments where I talk to her ashes as if she was still here since I knew her well enough to know how she’d react.

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vk6flab@lemmy.radio ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Having had a parent die, I can tell you that the feeling never goes away, but it does get easier.

What’s the best memory you have of your dad?

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- fossilesque@mander.xyz ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Sitting on hay bales in the summer night watching meteor showers, listening to the crickets and sounds of nature.
  
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  - vk6flab@lemmy.radio ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    And right there you have the path forward!
    
    Hang in there, it might feel tough for a bit, but this too shall pass.
    
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maymay@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
My mom died 5 years ago. We used to hang out every day, she was the best person I’ve ever known. I think people mourn in different ways. Some prefer not to think about it. For me, I wanted to remember her more and talk about her, look at photos etc. A quote that stuck with me from that time is something like this: When a loved person dies, they leave a huge hole behind. The hole never gets smaller, but you grow around it. Turned out to be true.

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LadyButterfly@reddthat.com ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
It really is hard mate and I’m glad you’re reaching out. When I need my dad I go to !dadforaminute@lemmy.world and get a pep talk advice or any kind of dad moment. Loads of lemmy dads post there

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- fossilesque@mander.xyz ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  To whatever dad’s and mom’s may be here. My dad died an ocean away while I was finishing my PhD, he used to take me to science museums and do kits with me. I got to tell him over the phone before he passed, but I’m still so sad. I feel so guilty. Please tell me he’d be proud of me. He was an engineer and a lawyer and worked with the homeless too. I miss him a lot.
  
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  - goodgame@feddit.uk ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    I lost my mum 19 years ago. I’ve learned that the pain is a signal that I truly loved her, and I still do but time diminishes the hurt. I’ve learned that she still lives on in my thoughts, “what would mum do?”, I reflect on tricky issues, and she’s back in my world, just not physically. I notice I’ve inherited some of her mannerisms the more I age, so she’s never far away and continuing to persist through me. It sounds as if your dad raised you to be a caring, loving thinker. He’s succeeded, he’d be proud. Now take a deep breath and carry his legacy forward.
    
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  - Blumpkinhead@lemmy.world ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Your dad was so very proud of you!
    
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EbenezerScrew@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
First of all take the time to grieve. It’s a big loss and an empty space. It’s OK to be sad even at what people say are the wrong times. It is your loss and your sadness.

Carry your fathers memory with you. That doesn’t mean you have to be sad, but it is ok if you are, no matter how long it has been.

I would recommend when you really miss him, either do something that you know would make him proud of you, or an activity that you may have done together or wanted to do together and then when you’re done, enjoy the memory of his smile knowing he would have had fun doing that with you or he would have enjoyed the fact that he raised you to be able to do whatever it is you accomplished.

No matter what, just remember in the end this is your loss. Process it howyou need to.

So sorry for your loss.

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Maeve@kbin.earth ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I'm sorry, friend. Take the time to sit with it. Remember the good times. Tell him how you feel.

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NastyNative@mander.xyz ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
The best advice might come off dickish since the question is about how to deal with parents death. Do everything you can while they are alive answer their calls listen to their advice and just listen dont argue. Take them on vacations with you take them out to diner often. Learn what they like to eat and cook for them, have an open door policy with them. Invite them often and make them a priority. So when the borrowed time is up you will have no regrets. Hug them like its the last time whenever you see them and most importantly be patient with them as it will come a day when you will not be able to do any of the above and you will trade it all for one more call from them!

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RagingRobot@lemmy.world ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
My dad died last year. I still miss him but it gets better with time. Being around other family helps if that is possible for you. If not maybe try doing something in their memory. Take up a hobby they were into or something

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- fossilesque@mander.xyz ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Mine was last year too, but it’s been finally hitting me very hard due to everything else that’s going on too.
  
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  - SirSamuel@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Mine too. He was on a decline for a while, so I began the grieving process before he passed away. His one year deathiversay hit a lot harder than I expected. A friend of mine said he gets hit every year, and has learned to expect it
    
    I let the feelings pass through me. Sometimes I use the Litany of Fear if it’s really bad, just to remind myself that the acute pain is temporary. I used to share pictures of my jobs with him, and we’d talk about work and different things we had done to finish difficult jobs. I miss him the most when I take a picture of something I’ve done that looks great. It’s the little stab of remembering he’s not here
    
    My faith helps a little, but it doesn’t dull the pain of missing him. Even though I think I’ll see him again, I can’t see him now. If you have a faith in seeing your dad again, hold onto it, and know that missing him is normal and okay. If you don’t have that hope, cherish the memories you have. As long as his name is spoken, he isn’t fully gone
    
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crazycraw@crazypeople.online ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I ain’t over it and that’s ok.

still very hard to see pics. a few have snuck in here and there and it’s fucking jolting.

a few dreams were not good at first then I had one that wasn’t bad and I felt a little better.

time heals a little. it’s not supposed to feel good but it does serve as a life marker of …hey that will happen to us too.

live!

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- Whostosay@sh.itjust.works ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Might be good to sit down with some of those heavy pictures, friend. Give it some thought
  
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jaycifer@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
This post and the comment from Lupus helped me a lot when my dad passed away: lemmy.world/post/22499928?sort=Top

My own advice is to do what feels right if you can. As my emotions cascaded over me when the doctor told us he was gone, one image went through my head. I saw myself throwing a rock into the lake my grandparents had a cabin on when I was growing up, from the boat landing my dad would walk to with my brother and me to skip rocks. So a day or two later my brother and I drove back to the lake, trespassed around the old cabin to soak in the memories, then skipped rocks for a while. I still suck at skipping rocks, and it didn’t fix things, but it was a little cathartic.

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Thor_Whale@lemmus.org ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
My mother had dementia but that didn’t kill her. Diverticulitis in her intestines ruptured and she died from sepsis. It was pretty awful, she was in a lot of pain and hospice was brutal because it didn’t Help her pass for 7 days. Watching a parent shut down over the course of a week and having nurses who are more or less butchers with syringes make up stories because they’re sadistic about what your mother is going through and when she’s going to pass and all of the in between made my last few days with her days I will never forget.

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HugeNerd@lemmy.ca ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Felt nothing.

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- OryxAndCake@slrpnk.net ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Same. I mourned mine decades before they actually passed, and long before I actually cut off either of them.
  
  Both were cruel, self involved people, with no ability to self reflect or take responsibility for their behaviours and no desire to be better people/parents. I felt nothing when they actually died.
  
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WhatsHerBucket@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I get that. My dad passed away when I was 19. I’m in my 50s now, and I still miss him. Not as much as I used to, but there will be a great song come on that reminds of him, or how he’d be impressed with my kid. And just every now and then I think about how he’d totally love all the technology we have these days. Man, this thread hit me in the feels.

I’m just saying that it gets easier over time, but it’s always there. YMMV

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- Nibodhika@lemmy.world ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Came to say exactly this. Lost my dad at 18 and I’m 37 now, you just learn to live with it. Time makes it easier because it distances you and gives you lots of other experiences without them, but even decades later you might catch yourself thinking about them.
  
  I always remember a quote by Terry Pratchett:
  
  No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away
  
  And you yourself are a ripple, your father is alive within you, remember him and carry him with you.
  
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  - WhatsHerBucket@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Awwww, thanks for the kind words :)
    
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corsicanguppy@lemmy.ca ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Mom and dad are separated, physically and matrimonially, for a decade or two now. Separately, they’re each on their slope.

I have NO hope of coping with their loss. I’m mom’s PoA, so we’re somewhat ready, but I’m not ready.

The fact that billions of people have gone through this in the last 30 years, that doesn’t help one little bit. I’m scared as hell.

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flowque@lemmy.ml ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
This might sound odd, but keep talking to them like they can hear you. Tell them how you feel. I don’t know why, but it helps a lot.

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Today@lemmy.world ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard! Lost my mom in 2023 and I miss her everyday. I was a mess for the first few months - worse than i realized. My thoughts of her are now mostly happy memories and things i want to tell her. I talk to her a lot and i talk to her pets about her.

There’s no one right away to grieve. Be gentle on yourself.

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one_old_coder@piefed.social ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I haven’t yet but:

if it’s my dad, I would rejoice with a good beer

if it’s my mom, I would grief for a few weeks I guess
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- SharkWeek@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  My Mum passed in April. TBH it was mostly relief that I felt, not the expected happiness, and then after the initial shock lots of emotions of all sorts poured out of me that I hadn’t expected.
  
  I think I’ve processed it now, but these things don’t always go how you expect them to.
  
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TootSweet@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Dissociation, mostly.

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- fossilesque@mander.xyz ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Yea, I’m moving out of that one right now and it sucks.
  
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hperrin@lemmy.ca ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Not that it’s the same, but I lost my best friend to a fentanyl overdose two and a half years ago. The first year was incredibly hard. There were so many times every day that something would happen and I’d want to talk to him about it. I got pretty depressed for a while. The next year it was a little easier. Those times that I wanted to tell him something were more like once a week instead of once a day. This year it’s been easier. I still miss him like crazy.

I printed out a wedding photo wall for me and my wife, and since he was my best man, we had a lot of photos of him. I printed some really big ones of him, and they’re displayed prominently on the wall.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him and wanting to talk to him, but I don’t cry anymore when I think about him. It still hurts, but a lot less.

I guess that is to say, grief gets easier, but you never stop experiencing it. It gets easier to think about the fun times and laugh instead of cry.

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melsaskca@lemmy.ca ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I got over it eventually, now I use “obvious”. /s (Sorry for your loss, it does get better with time).

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RebekahWSD@lemmy.world ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Extremely poorly but I keep going because I hate the alternative!

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- naught101@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  💪
  
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FaceDeer@fedia.io ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
There's no one "right" way to deal with it, for starters. People will give lots of advice and describe a bunch of scenarios but don't feel like you "should" do it any particular way or that you're doing something wrong if you grieve in your own way.

For me, I "talk" to my dad now and then. It's been six years now and I still find comfort in doing that. I'm an atheist, I don't believe he's actually hearing me, it's just a thing I do that feels nice psychologically. I've been imagining I'm keeping him "up to date" on stuff, since one of the things I told him on his deathbed was that I'd let him know "how it all turned out" - he was always future-focused and I'm sure it annoyed him that he wouldn't be around to see it.

I wouldn't worry too much about any deep and meaningful "final words" and such, though. I think the words that were exchanged throughout life were just as important, if not moreso.

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