My girlfriend is keeping me a secret from her family. Am I stupid for feeling upset about this?

Submitted ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨bagbadback@feddit.org⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

I’m 19M, my girlfriend is 17F. We’ve been dating for almost a year now. Her family has no idea though, because she refuses to tell them; and it honestly hurts. My family loves her. Her family’s Muslim and she says that’s the reason she can’t tell them yet, but she will… eventually. I get that they’re Muslim, but come on, we live in the West and it’s a free country. I’ve never pressured her about it but it still upsets me.

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xavier666@lemm.ee ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

Her family’s Muslim

That right there is the reason. Trust her on this one.

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nutsack@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
it’s normal to wait for a while before presenting to parents. support her in whatever she wants on this

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Kyrgizion@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
If she knows the backlash will be insane and she still has to live there, totally understandable. Make sure you’re aligned on where to go with this in the future. If she truly wants to choose a life with you she may have to break with her family at some point. You can’t expect her to be ready for that at this time, but you also shouldn’t be strung along if she never sees an actual future with you. Good relationships require honesty on both sides and great communication.

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Mubelotix@jlai.lu ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Yes. She knows her family better than you, trust her

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madjo@feddit.nl ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
It could be for her safety that she’s keeping you a secret. There have been so called “honor killings” of women whose dads or brothers suspected that she had dated someone and had sex out of wedlock.
Even in my western and free country of The Netherlands.

Do you trust your girlfriend? Then let her decide when it’s the right time to tell her family about her, her very life might just depend on it!

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- Wahots@pawb.social ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  What the fuck? People kill their adult child for having sex?
  
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  - Blackmist@feddit.uk ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    …wikipedia.org/…/Category:Honour_killing_in_the_U…
    
    Yes, and for generally just disobeying men.
    
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  - madjo@feddit.nl ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Sadly yes, it’s got its own category of type of killing too:
    
    en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honor_killing
    
    And it’s usually the woman that suffers, or gets killed.
    
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Spacehooks@reddthat.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Ok lots of good advice and comments but let me simplify this for you a bit more.

If you trust your partner let them handle their family, trust what they say about them. If you cant, it ups the chance of break up because she is already stressed.

Unless you suspect you are the other dude or in danger stay out of it no matter how curious you are. There is literally a community full of stories like this and it always back fires when people get involved too early.

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- DrSoap@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  This is exactly the right advice for this situation.
  
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phoenixz@lemmy.ca ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Yeah here is the thing: honor killings still happen in Muslim families in the west.

Not saying her family is that extreme, but they could very well be. If a Muslim girl tells you that she can’t tell her parents about you, idk trust her on her word. I know the feeling, it sucks, but that is part of the deal you made when you got serious with a Muslim girl

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sandflavoured@lemm.ee ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Hey there, am an Australian from a Muslim family. I too have the same, yet opposite, relationship dynamic as you - though our families are both aware now.

Formally, it is considered forbidden for Muslim women to marry outside the faith; her family won’t take it lightly. Perhaps in ways you haven’t considered.

Talk to your girlfriend. Ask her what she is worried about, and she will tell you. That is the best thing you can do.

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spacecadet@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

Her family is Muslim

She is protecting herself. I’ve seen this song and dance too many times in the Muslim community. She is taking a huge risk dating you and that should be enough for you to understand. If you love her, trust her, she is protecting your alls relationship in a way you can’t.

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Rivalarrival@lemmy.today ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
If she is still financially reliant on her parents, you should abide by her wishes on the subject. You should not consider it a reflection of her relationship with you. She is doing what she needs to do to survive and thrive.

Eventually, she might choose to rely on you for financial support. But, you could be killed in a traffic accident, and she would still be dependent on their support. Even after you are supporting her financially, she still needs to maintain her relationship with them.

You should not consider her relationship with her parents to be a reflection on your relationship until she is capable of supporting herself, independent of both you and them.

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Shimitar@downonthestreet.eu ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Respect her and her needs. If she doesn’t want, there are good reasons for that.

She is underage, so that also counts maybe?

Maybe she is protecting you, or herself… Can you tell?

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ChairmanMeow@programming.dev ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Perhaps a slightly less doom-and-gloomy scenario (because not all muslims hate women): in many muslim cultures it’s expected that a relationship turns into a marriage quickly. A non-muslim colleague of mine started dating a muslim girl and her family was totally supportive of the relationship, but he did have to marry her within just a couple months of dating. They were both happy to do so but they’re a fair bit older than you are. Your girlfriend might not feel ready for such a thing.

Talk to her about it, and ask if she’s worried about her family’s reaction, what she expects and why. Don’t pressure her into introducing you to the family, but clarify that you’d just like to know why. You can express you’d like to meet them of course, but just remember that her decision should be final in all this. That will help your relationship going forward, and once she is ready for it you’ll get to meet them.

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Zenith@lemm.ee ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
She’s already part of a religion that hates her for being a woman, no need to give them even more reasons

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sartalon@lemmy.world ⁨23⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Dude, how many stories of Muslim father’s that go fucking crazy over their daughter seeing an “infidel”, have you ignored to not understand that there is a real risk she could be under?

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ZombiFrancis@sh.itjust.works ⁨22⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I assume America by ‘West’ and ‘free country’? Ya’ll are teenagers and she is a minor. Until she is in an independent position and likely a legal adult I would not engage in the affairs of her legal guardians, as close as you two may be or feel.

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- njm1314@lemmy.world ⁨20⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Y’all
  
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  - ZombiFrancis@sh.itjust.works ⁨18⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    I do a lil American conjugation. Prefer it to youse, at least.
    
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Nollij@sopuli.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
You’ve already asked yourself what’s the worst that can happen. Now ask her what she thinks is the worst that can happen, and what she thinks would actually happen. Do not correct her or interrupt, and only ask probing questions so that you can better understand.

I promise you that her answers are not the same as yours.

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Zwuzelmaus@feddit.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

I get that they’re Muslim, but come on, we live in the West and it’s a free country.

Unfortunately, that isn’t up to you to decide for them.

Be careful, try to respect a (probably) different culture. You will not be able to change them.

Try to find out what is possible to do and tell, and what is good to do and tell. It’s going to take some time (we cannot know how long).

If you behave respectful now, it will earn you their respect and this makes both of you a happier life.

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curiousaur@reddthat.com ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I dated a Muslim girl. In college. We were both 22 and she still had to keep it a secret. Her dad called her every night at 8pm to make sure she did her work and was getting ready for bed. I often had to overhear that right before we fucked.

Don’t be a baby about it. If you want to be with her, be in understanding and do what it takes.

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- olafurp@lemmy.world ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  My wife is Muslim, had a very similar experience
  
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Opinionhaver@feddit.uk ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Honestly, her family being Muslim is one of the more understandable - though perhaps not justified - reasons for not telling them. The doctrine of Islam quite directly prohibits a Muslim woman from dating a non-Muslim, or “infidel,” so the fear of backlash isn’t exactly unfounded.

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kreskin@lemmy.world ⁨23⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
She’s almost certainly doing it for a good reason. If you love her then trust her, damnit.

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SaneMartigan@aussie.zone ⁨23⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Nah dude. You gotta respect your girlfriends wishes on this. Maybe consider getting a place when she’s 18 so she can get away? Will she be moving for university?

If her plan is to keep living with her family and never revealing you, there’s no outcome to that path. But if she is looking to move or study or whatever, you might see a future for the relationship.

Talk to her about the future and where this is going.

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someguy3@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

we live in the West and it’s a free country.

Yeah unfortunately to some people that doesn’t matter.

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Kazumara@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Friend of mine had the same scenario in high school. The only one who knew was the twin sister of the girlfriend. The rest of the family would never have accepted a non-muslim. It’s probably the only way to do this until she’s an adult and can tell them to fuck off.

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Gg901@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
You may live in the west, be fairly liberal and think all that religious stuff is old gen but often different cultures don’t live by western standards and stick to their archaic rules. I dated a girl for a few years from a different culture, she was too scared to tell her dad and said she would get disowned by her family… so what to do… anyway didnt end well as i wanted to settle. A year later after we broke up she was dating someone from her culture, she calls me crying and says shes pregnant and wish she had just not given a fuck about what her family thought, fuked me up quite bad tbh like.

Try get a feel of the her familly, if you think you will never get accepted, then better to walk now, you’ll find someone else.

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- starlinguk@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  Muslim extremists murder or maim girls who have “shamed the family” in the west too.
  
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agent_nycto@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Why does it upset you?

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Bosht@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
It shouldn’t upset you. If it was some dumb high school drama shit that would be one thing, but she’s witholding the relationship from her family for a reason and you have nothing to gain by them knowing about it. It’s not affecting you or your relationship with her, that’s her business on her time. If you don’t like it, break up and date someone else but that’d be a pretty selfish dick move on your part.

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- Gg901@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  Well it clearly is affecting their relationship otherwise OP wouldn’t be posting. They are currently having to live on edge and hide their relationship, that will have negativr effects, can’t go into the family home, maybe evenfear of being recognized in public. Its not a dick move to leave the relationship, its self preservation and can hve mental effects continuing on such a path.
  
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  - thermal_shock@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
    His self importance is effecting the relationship. Teens have been abandoned by their families for far less, she’s protecting herself and dealing with his selfishness.
    
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thisisnotmyhat@programming.dev ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
No pressure? You don’t think being upset about it counts? Does it count as pressure when she’s upset with you about something? Is your version of freedom the one where we’re all free to do things your way?

Is it all about the culture gap, or maybe it isn’t about the culture gap at all? Maybe it’s about the culture gap as she perceives it, rather than the culture gap as you perceive it?

Maybe you should start putting the person you love first? Perhaps that’s in your own best interests anyway? Maybe you’re just bad at being selfish?

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ocean@lemmy.selfhostcat.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Many muslim families don’t allow dating, go straight to marriage. Being in the West doesn’t change one’s religion. That’s kind of a bozo comment. Assuming you can figure that out after a year, your question is because your feelings are hurt. I dated a Viet girl in high school that similarly didn’t want to tell her family since her father didn’t allow it. It felt like she didn’t care as I did. So I understand your feelings.

Are you gonna marry her? Would you convert for her? Then things will change. If not this is how it is.

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fraksken@infosec.pub ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
I understand your pain. I (37m) and my husband (43m) are in a loving relationship for about 15 years now. Due to the cultural differences of my husband’s family, he has not declared our relationship to his family (living in his home country). They probably know we’re more than roommates. They like me. But nothing is outspoken. (His homecountry also has a 7y prison sentence for same sex relations)

Like peer comments mentioned. It’s their decision how and when to communicate to their family. It’s not easy, but if you truly love your significant other, you’ll find a way to accept.

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Fondots@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
I have/had a good friend who is a devout Muslim, was born in Egypt but moved to the US when he was very young. His father was from there, his mother was American, white, and I’m not totally clear whether or not she converted but was definitely not Muslim when they met. From what I understand his father got a lot of shit from his family over that.

Over the years, my friend butted heads with dad a lot. At one point his dad wanted to move the family to Egypt, basically because he never fully adjusted to life in the US. My friend stood up to him, because all of his younger siblings had only ever lived here, they had friends and lives here and it would be kind of shitty to uproot all of that, so he kicked my friend out of the house, and wouldn’t let him see his siblings for probably over a year.

So that was always a threat he kept dangling over my friends head- Fall in line or I’ll move the family back to Egypt and cut you off from your siblings.

He also disapproved of any sort of american style dating, and forced my friend to break up with several girlfriends, even if they were Muslim.

One day my friend just totally ghosted all of us. Unfriended everyone on Facebook, leaving pretty much only people with middle Eastern names, stopped replying to calls or texts, etc. a couple of us went to his house to check on him, and did actually make contact with him there but he refused to answer any questions, basically just leaving it at her wasn’t going to be friends with any of us anymore.

We know at that point he’d been seeing a girl he’d been keeping secret from his dad, she later reached out to us because he also ghosted her.

We’re pretty sure what happened is that his father found out that he was dating her and had another blow-up, threatening to kick him out and cut him off from his siblings for good.

Not every Muslim family is the same of course, some wouldn’t have any issues with this sort of situation, in some it will cause varying degrees of family drama, in some it can even get physically abusive, and in a small handful of cases we might even be talking about honor killings.

Where you have different cultures and religions coming into play, this kind of thing can get complicated, it’s not always so simple as “it’s a free country” although it should be.

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