[deleted]
Do you have a plan to move out with her when she tells them if it comes to that? Have you thought it through? Is this what you really want? Is this what she really wants? Don’t fuck her whole life just because you’re upset.
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Submitted 2 days ago by bagbadback@feddit.org to [deleted]
Comments
courval@lemmy.world 1 day ago
last_philosopher@lemmy.world 1 day ago
I just want to point out something that I’ve not seen others mention - sometimes girls are just way too paranoid about what their families will think. I know one girl who keeps insisting that her parents wouldn’t let her date a black guy, but then she also admits that she dated a hispanic guy before and thought the same thing but her parents loved him. Honestly I think like 70% of girls imagine that their parents wouldn’t accept some huge swath of men due to some superficial characteristic, but probably in reality only maybe 20% of parents would actually be against their daughter dating a guy who treats her well, even if he’s of a type they dislike.
nesc@lemmy.cafe 2 days ago
You actually don’t get that they are muslim, at best they won’t be happy that she is seeing someone and that someone isn’t muslim. At worst this can go into honor killing territory. In general it’s best not to be involved.
Stamets@lemmy.world 2 days ago
At best, they will be upset
At worst, they will murder
Jesus fucking christ.
First off, at worst, anyone is going to murder anyone. You clearly have never dated someone and met their father who was on the edge of murder.
Second, at best they won’t be happy? So according to you, every single muslim hates their child dating someone who isn’t muslim and won’t be happy? Guess I better tell that to literally every muslim I’ve dated whose parents didn’t give a solitary shit and were actively supportive of their gay kid. Or my friends who’ve dated/married muslims and were accepted into the families while being Jewish or Atheist or Protestant.
What is this racist garbage?
krawutzikaputzi@lemm.ee 2 days ago
The fact that the girlfriend doesn’t want to tell her family is kind of a hint that they won’t be happy about the relationship. So being upset is kind of the best outcome in this situation.
It’s nice that you and also I have met nice muslims who encouraged their kids do love whoever they want. In this specific scenario I would trust the girlfriend though, because she knows her family better than us.
TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.works 2 days ago
What is this racist bullshit?
Not engaging with any other part of your comment, but is Islam a race, now? I thought it was a religion.
nesc@lemmy.cafe 2 days ago
First, religion is not a race. Second, I’m from place where muslims (very secular ones at it) are significant minority. Third, I’ve been in the situation outlined, and heard of similar from people in this situation.
Also there were at least two religiously minded honor killings that I know of one involved tatar (muslim) family, another cyhan (christian) family.
AWistfulNihilist@lemmy.world 1 day ago
I don’t think anyone who mentions that honor killings are a thing is saying that. Honor killings have been recognized by amnesty international as being a distinct threat to women worldwide that is present in America as well specific to Muslim majority countries in the Middle East and Asia.
I think any child has the potential of being killed by their angry parents, it’s happened very frequently from people of all backgrounds, but it’s ok to admit that a Muslim girl who doesn’t want to introduce you to her parents could be motivated by the fear of death or abuse in a very specific way. And i think it’s ok to tell this kid that this is a possible additional pressure based on her culture.
But it’s fair to say this has happened like a half dozen times in the US in two decades. That might feel like a lot, but considering the sheer number of Muslims who live in this country, that might as not happen at all.
I can keep both of these ideas in my head at the same time and not have a weird, knee-jerk meltdown in the comments!
gigachad@sh.itjust.works 2 days ago
Honour killing is such a rare thing, I find what you are saying blatantly racist tbh. Do you know how many Muslims there are in the world?
starlinguk@lemmy.world 1 day ago
And yet, she is obviously afraid.
nesc@lemmy.cafe 1 day ago
I’ve just stated that it’s a possibility, and at worst. These things really happen, if rarely, point was it’s better not to force an issue if other party is unwilling.
thisisnotmyhat@programming.dev 1 day ago
No pressure? You don’t think being upset about it counts? Does it count as pressure when she’s upset with you about something? Is your version of freedom the one where we’re all free to do things your way?
Is it all about the culture gap, or maybe it isn’t about the culture gap at all? Maybe it’s about the culture gap as she perceives it, rather than the culture gap as you perceive it?
Maybe you should start putting the person you love first? Perhaps that’s in your own best interests anyway? Maybe you’re just bad at being selfish?
PunnyName@lemmy.world 2 days ago
What about this situation is causing you to be upset?
Mothra@mander.xyz 2 days ago
She’s underage. I take her Muslim background is different from yours. And every family is an environment unique and different from other families. No matter that it’s a free country and all that, it’s her family, she lives with them, she has to endure the consequences of disclosing the relationship. Not you.
bobo1900@sopuli.xyz 2 days ago
Try and ask her the real reason why she might be reluctant. “Because they’re muslim” is not a really strong argument; “because they are fundamentalist and they might extrange me as daughter or prevent me fron leaving the house if they found out” is a very practical explaination on this compromise she decided to take.
Families are complicated and sometimes shitty, but it’s her family and navigating around you and them could be difficult (she might love her parents and want to maintain a relationship with them, or she hates them but relies on their financial support, both options are valid)
Dagwood222@lemm.ee 1 day ago
Don’t get involved in her family drama. Just don’t.
ryedaft@sh.itjust.works 2 days ago
Is she the oldest child?
And maybe she is scared that her family will kick her out. Having to do school without a family network can be very hard. Common advice for gay teens with homophobic parents is to wait with coming out until you have moved out.
And yes, you love her and you’ll support her but then she will be very dependent on you and your relationship will become lopsided. You don’t want that. You want her to be with you because she loves you. So please be patient with the person you love.
Zomg@lemmy.world 23 hours ago
It sucks that she opened herself up to a relationship when she couldn’t fully commit to it with you.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through things like this.
agent_nycto@lemmy.world 17 hours ago
Why does it upset you?
yournamehere@lemm.ee 23 hours ago
you are 19…that is the definition of being stupid
jagged_circle@feddit.nl 1 day ago
Take her and run.
ikidd@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Hell, I dated a Ukrainian girl whose father and brother both abused her when they found out about us, because I wasn’t part of the Ukrainian community, or part of the Orthodox Catholic church. I tried to get her out of there but she wouldn’t leave.
I couldn’t imagine how this would go with a devout Muslum family.