[deleted]
It’s a dealbreaker for me. I only want to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with me. I don’t just want a yes, I want a YES! with the exclaimation point.
[deleted]
Submitted 9 hours ago by luminelle_rose@lemmy.world to [deleted]
Comments
Nemo@slrpnk.net 8 hours ago
zxqwas@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
First step should probably be looking for an asexual guy.
I don’t think a high or even average sex drive guy in his 20-30 would be very happy. But there are low drive guys too, and if you keep looking you’re doomed to succeed.
WalrusDragonOnABike@reddthat.com 9 hours ago
Curious how compatibility with a high-sex-drive ace and a low-sex-drive allo would compare typically.
Devial@discuss.online 7 hours ago
Scheduled sex is itself fine, however most men (at least those worth considering as a long term partner in the first place) derive much, if not most-all, of their enjoyment of sex of the human connection, and feeling the desire and arousal of their partner.
Sex with someone who isn’t enjoying it, and just passively accepting does not sound appealing at all to me, and I’d be weary around men who are open accepting such an arrangement, because imo it strays into areas of ambiguous consent.
At that point, it’s probably similarly enjoyable, and much healthier, if your partner takes of their urges by masturbing. You could potentially even support a future partner in that, by e.g. gifting him sex toys like fleshlights. It shows that you genuinely care about his pleasure, even if you’re not into actively participating in sex. This is for example a relationship I (as a cis man) could exist in perfectly happily.
And whilst it’s obviously not everyone, and it can be emotionally challenging, I would also consider the potential for an open relationship, where your partners urges could be satisfied without your participation.
Devial@discuss.online 6 hours ago
Also, even if you do decide to try it with a partner who wants to try your scheduled sex idea, I would definitely not start with sex.
Start slowly, by for example offering to jerk him off, or allowing him to masturbate to your naked body. Try it out slowly, and then see if you’re both comfortable with this type/level of intimacy, before jumping straight to penetrative sex.
It’s a very delicate affair, not just for you, but for the man as well. Having sex with a woman who is unresponsive, and just passively accepting, has a potential to make your partner subconsciously feel like they’re abusing, or even raping, you (even if you explicitly give consent, the subconscious rarely care about rational truths), which has the potential to lead serious sexual trauma.
Muaddib@sopuli.xyz 6 hours ago
I think you’d be better served finding an asexual boyfriend or doing polyamoury.
xxce2AAb@feddit.dk 8 hours ago
Depends on the man, I suppose. Personally, I wouldn’t be interested for at least two reasons: 1) That arrangement falls well short of the level of consent I’d require to feel comfortable and 2) Sex in and of itself is pointless. I can take ‘care of my needs’ by masturbating on my own. Sex with another person is about more than mere physical pleasure. It’s ideally a feedback loop: Feeling good by making your partner feel good, because you want that for them.
If the person I’m with doesn’t feel good about it, I wouldn’t either. And I would strongly suggest not seeking out that kind of man who thinks otherwise.
AmidFuror@fedia.io 7 hours ago
Now I'm curious if you do anything with your partner that she really likes to do but you don't.
xxce2AAb@feddit.dk 6 hours ago
Why would you think so? I aim to be considerate, not a doormat let alone a victim of abuse, sexual or otherwise. Consent is either bilateral or non-existent. While I would be open to do things I enjoyed less than my partner, I wouldn’t accept being party to anything to which I’m outright opposed.
Track_Shovel@slrpnk.net 7 hours ago
Lol, you’re describing married life.
With other commitments, kids, etc there is zero spontaneity. Often planned sex falls through because someone is tired or something comes up.
If anything you’re ahead of the curve lol.
Corkyskog@sh.itjust.works 6 hours ago
Married life with kids. Before kids it was never “scheduled”. Now it almost has to be because our kid likes to go to bed late.
mech@feddit.org 9 hours ago
Not all men are the same, so there is no one answer to this.
It definitely wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me. I’m in a similar situation with my wife and we have a very happy marriage.
One condition for me personally is that I’m free to “take care of myself” without her having issues with that, or interrogating me who I think about when I do it.
Whether you’re OK with your partner watching porn is another subject you’ll have to discuss with him.
So basically, the golden rule of relationships applies: Everything is allowed as long as everyone involved consents willingly.ltxrtquq@lemmy.ml 8 hours ago
It’s just like Rush Limbaugh said: if there is consent on [all sides], it’s perfectly fine, whatever it is.
There’s no real need for me to bring up the dead conservative talking head here, but I still laugh to myself sometimes when I remember how mockingly he got it exactly right, and maybe someone else could use a laugh too.
loutr@sh.itjust.works 8 hours ago
I have a really hard time understanding how he considers any of that a problem.
poplargrove@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
No need to reply if this is too personal. When you say “similar situation”, you mean your wife is ace? I dont know much about this so Im curious why else a spouse might not want sex at all.
mech@feddit.org 8 hours ago
I don’t know what the terminology is exactly.
She enjoys sex, but she doesn’t really have a sex drive. For her it’s a completely optional fun activity, not a need.
But we cuddle and kiss a lot.
sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com 5 hours ago
A bunch of people have already pointed out that, generally, most men are not simply looking for a fleshlight with legs attached, they’re looking to have a very enjoyable time with someone who is also having a very enjoyable time with them.
Personally, as a queer dude, nope, I could not do a serious relationship with a literally 0 sex drive guy, gal, any other gender / trans status, etc.
Even if you had a sex schedule that actually matched with hypothetically my sex drive, nope, I would know that you having sex with me is literally a chore for you.
Nope. Doesn’t work for me. I aim to please, and knowing that’s impossible for me to do with you?
I’d end up leaving, due to not being able to satisfy my need/desire to feel that I am satisfying someone else’s need/desire.
The good thing here is that you are honest and upfront about your 0 sex drive.
You would probably, I would imagine, have the best luck finding a mate who also has literally 0 sex drive, and is also as upfront and honest about that as you are.
Also… I have a question.
So, you have 0 sex drive.
How would you view, or feel about, if you did have a long term partner, with a sex drive, and they just slept with other people?
Would you view that as cheating, intolerable, or would you not care at all, or maybe somewhere in the middle, or something more nuanced?
Like uh, say they live with you, come home from work to you every day, you two cuddle and snuggle and go on dates and figure out bills together… but they just take that sex schedule idea you’re proposing, and instead take those timeslots to uh, pencil in somebody else.
How would you fedl about that scenario, or something approximating it?
Would that be like “Great! More time for me to do me stuff!” or … not?
nimble@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 hours ago
There’s nothing wrong with scheduled sex and many couples find it useful. I think the bigger issue for me would be that this is essentially “duty sex” though. I don’t think i could be in a relationship with duty sex alone. That’d fuck with my head too much over doing something that i know my SO doesn’t enjoy, plus duty sex is just not fun for me.
Ps. There’s some ace communities around (asexual @lemmy.world and lemmy.blahaj.zone come to mind). Welcome to lemmy!
rikudou@lemmings.world 6 hours ago
IMO there’s a huge difference between “doesn’t enjoy” and “being indifferent”.
Like, me and my partner watch some movies that they’re definitely not enjoying, but they still watch them because we’re together and they don’t not enjoy them.
Point is, you can do things together if you accept the other side is not into it as much as you are.
Hoimo@ani.social 7 hours ago
Community links:
!asexual@lemmy.world
!asexual@lemmy.blahaj.zone
Both could use some more activity. (Like an asexual’s sex life amirite?)
Nomad@infosec.pub 9 hours ago
I have a partner like this. Only I didn’t know for 10 years. Only noticed she would do her duty. I can assure you this is not enough. She is the avoidant type and can’t help it. Now we have three kids and I can’t leave them. Sex is out of the question now obviously and life together is hard.
mech@feddit.org 8 hours ago
My parents moved into separate bedrooms when I was 6. My mom moved out when I was 10.
It was an incredible relief for us children. Not because we hated her or anything.
But the fighting stopped. Both of them stopped drinking daily. The constant, tense atmosphere at home was gone.
We continued living with our dad, but spent most of the day at our mom’s place 3x a week.
Weekends were usually spent with both parents. Because since they weren’t forced to live together anymore, they actually got along very well in a friendly way.
Later we celebrated big holidays together with my parents AND their respective new partners, and my mom was present at my dad’s second wedding, as was her new partner.
It probably doesn’t work out like that very often. But your children feel when a marriage is only sustained “for their sake”, even if they aren’t conscious of it and can’t put it into words. So separation can also be better for them.protist@mander.xyz 9 hours ago
Divorcing doesn’t mean leaving them. It can be possible to separate amicably. You’re likely to be a better father to your children if you take care of yourself, too
x00z@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
Divorce is a big word.
Where’s the open marriage advice?
XeroxCool@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
It’s obviously hard to know how my childhood would have been had my parents divorced, but my main “benefit” from them staying together is that I saw who I didn’t want to be. That’s not much. It soured my views on marriage, which only got worse when my long-term partner’s parents started pushing for it. Both my now-in-laws were remarried, telling me how important marriage was, while also having a relationship with each other as contentious as my own parents. (Eventually, I had 8 friends get married in one year and the whole thing clicked for me with much, much healthier examples)
Would life have been worse with split parents? Who knows. No way of telling. Lose some negativity, potentially add a ton of instability.
I can’t recommend one way or the other. I only ask you consider your own mental health and attitude and how it affects your family’s home life. But the one thing I can say pretty confidently (and of course don’t know if you do this): as frustrating as shit gets, do not trash talk your spouse to your kids. And if you’re really trying to explain to them why your spouse is hurting you, you better be as innocent as you portray yourself. I took my dad’s words to heart and despised my mom through my teen years, only to come around in my 20s and realized it was my dad who was the mean one. The stories didn’t add up. I mean, he literally complained to me once (after I saw the truth) that my mom withheld sex for 2 years for some bullshit set of reasons that included everything except himself. It was pretty clear at that point she had no interest in the miserable old man he became, along with him watching political “news” all day, complaining about dinner not being done, not cleaning, etc.
Kids see everything. They aren’t naive forever.
CallMeAnAI@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
For me yes.
I’m not trying to shame you or anything, you are who you are, but your entire sentence and intent while well meaning, is an utter turn off. A chunk of me being into it is having my partner into it.
Buffalox@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
For some people sex is a minor thing, what matters is emotional closeness. You can have closeness without sex.
I think you can find someone without too much sex easily, I hear all over the place that men are actually tiring of sex just as much as many women are.
The main difference being that women often think it’s their fault when men don’t want to have sex.burntbacon@discuss.tchncs.de 8 hours ago
Yeah, this would be it for me. If my partner didn’t want to have sex, fine, not a big deal. But if my partner didn’t want to sit next to me and lean on me? If my partner didn’t want to hold hands or hug me from behind while I’m cooking? If I didn’t get a sudden jump into my lap and an insistent plead for a shoulder rub?
Those would break me. Even for the folks who don’t want to admit it, there is a driving need for intimacy, and sex just often sort of fits that need or is used to mask it.
Buffalox@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
Well put, that’s exactly what I mean.
Diddlydee@feddit.uk 9 hours ago
Doing anything with someone who clearly isn’t enjoying it generally won’t work.
falseWhite@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
If you’re okay with sex and aren’t repulsed, why does it have to be scheduled?
Normally, romantic evenings and dates lead to sex, would that be enough of a “schedule”?
I.e. you have a romantic evening with your partner, and he is making moves to escalate, so you know he has “needs” tonight.
ICCrawler@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
There’s enough fish in the sea that there’s probably a guy out there’ll that’ll be a fit if you try hard enough to look, but if I were a bettin man I’d wager they are considerably few in number. How you act during sex also matters, whether act or not. Basically, I doubt many men would be fine with a “dead fish.”
Nefara@lemmy.world 6 hours ago
Ace and demi men are out there, but I won’t pretend they are easy to find. I’m demi and looking for someone else on the ace spectrum pretty much eliminated the idea of meeting someone out in the world and locked me in to finding someone online. Back when OKCupid was data driven it was the best way to find other aces and demis but I don’t know the current state of it. There’s still not much visibility for aces so a lot of people still don’t know to identify themselves as such.
I dated a variety of people but always came back to people who were ace/demi having the most potential for long term companionship. It just simplified everything, removed the tension and potential for hurt feelings. Allosexuals might think they can manage a situation like you’re describing but in the long term might end up feeling frustrated and sad about not being desired. I had trouble finding other aces to date but it was worth it when I did find them.
JoMiran@lemmy.ml 8 hours ago
As you can tell by the responses so far, there is no one correct answer other than being very open and upfront about it. Something I might also recommend is dating older men. In many men, the sex drive falls off a cliff after a certain age to where he might not mind scheduled sex, but you still need to show physical warmth and intimacy. Also, if you put yourself on a schedule to initiate sex, he might not even catch on because sex isn’t as big a driver as is once was.
Please don’t take this as anything but yet another different answer to a question with many different answers.
SirDankbud@lemmy.ca 7 hours ago
I just want to point out that for many of us, sex ends up kinda scheduled anyway. When my wife and I started dating, we were both against scheduled sex and kept things organic. Now that we’re 40 and work 40 hours a week, fridays and sundays are generally the only days we have enough time and energy to do it. It isn’t exactly scheduled, but functionally I see no difference. The only times we’ve deviated from that in the last few years is when we’re on vacation.
drdiddlybadger@pawb.social 5 hours ago
There are plenty of us who would be cool as fuck with that.
aramis87@fedia.io 8 hours ago
If I may ask, without being rude: are you sure you're asexual and not [demisexual](https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Demisexual]? For me, there would be a difference between someone who's really not interested in sex at all vs someone who's really only interested in sex once they've emotionally bonded with a person.
If you are asexual, there are definitely other asexuals out there who would still be interested in having nonsexual partners.
In your original post, you mentioned male partners; I'd also suggest you consider whether you'd be okay with a nonsexual female partner. Again, not trying to be rude, you just seem to be trying to figure out how you can get fit, and I'm not sure what options you've considered.
You should also know that your preferences can change over time, and that's okay as well; it doesn't necessarily mean that you were "wrong" about who you were, it may simply mean something is different about either you or your situation.
rikudou@lemmings.world 6 hours ago
What even is this response? That’s like telling a gay person they should try being straight.
aramis87@fedia.io 6 hours ago
As I said, OP seems to be a young person trying to figure how they fit in the world, and they're not giving much information (which is fine). But we're not all born with an innate understanding of all the flavors of sexuality, or all the options out there.
They say they'd like a male partner, which could be situational depending on where they live; it could be a definite preference; or it could be that they're demisexual and haven't realized that's an option. And if they do get a partner, in extremely general terms, there tend to be different benefits depending on which sex you partner with.
systemglitch@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
It would be a deal breaker for me.
nondescripthandle@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 hours ago
A friend of mine from a while back was an Ace woman who was in a steady relationship. She was very open about her orientation and would answer questions if you asked her in good faith. I don’t think they scheduled their sex, but she much like you was interested in making sure her partner was satisfied. I used to joke that I knew Ace people who had more sex than me because of her, but the moral of the story here is it’s definitely a manageable thing with the right partner.
AnnaLogg@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
definitely not a dealbreaker for me, though i’d also like to know if the woman would experience some form of physical arousal and that post-coital cuddle urge (is there a name for that?)
Onomatopoeia@lemmy.cafe 8 hours ago
Yea, no, I wouldn’t recommend searching for this unicorn.
Scheduled sex with someone who’s indifferent to it?
Do you want scheduled emotional closeness with someone who isn’t into it?
burntbacon@discuss.tchncs.de 8 hours ago
“You have received your standard ten minutes of hand holding, please exit the couch and proceed to the kitchen for nutritional time. Five minutes are allotted for hand washing and table-setting.”
BarbecueCowboy@lemmy.dbzer0.com 7 hours ago
I’ve often thought that scheduling it would be kind of amazing, but for most I’ve been with, feel like that wouldn’t be an attractive prospect.
I’d feel really bad if my partner wasn’t enjoying themselves on this one though and even without that concern it wouldn’t feel like your idea here would be sustainable. It would be very hard to convince me that this was something that could be maintained over a long term relationship.
RumorsOfLove@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 hours ago
I love this idea.
Randomgal@lemmy.ca 6 hours ago
Depends on the man really. O think it would work for some but be a deal breaker for others.
pinball_wizard@lemmy.zip 8 hours ago
Being a great communicator and a generous lover is more attractive than most of the considerations discussed here, so far.
Many the challenges of being ace or on the ace spectrum in a relationship can be overcome by regular use of phrases like:
“Dear, would you like a handjob tonight?” and “I love the look on your face when I fuck you. Let’s fuck tonight.”
Just be sure it is what you really want - it would be kind of silly to put in the needed effort if it is not somehow also serving your needs.
Great communication and generousity are incredibly attractive in a sexual partner, and both can be cultivated by anyone who chooses to put in the practice.
Proprietary_Blend@lemmy.world 5 hours ago
Hypothetical sex is the best
FridaySteve@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
You’d have to also find a man who is only interested in sex to “get his needs met” which is much more rare than Hollywood leads people to believe.
luminelle_rose@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
iii@mander.xyz 9 hours ago
Men are people too
ALoafOfBread@lemmy.ml 8 hours ago
My wife is on the ace spectrum. She enjoys sex, but only experiences reactive sexual desire (i.e. she’ll get in the mood once sex is basically already happening). Effectively she does not experience sexual desire in the way people typically mean that.
That’s been a struggle for us. We don’t do scheduled sex, but it’s something we’ve considered. Even though we have very good (if infrequent) sex, the frequency isn’t the thing that’s hard for me to deal with. The hardest thing is not feeling desired in ways I am used to in relationships. That has made me feel insecure and just overall is not great. But it’s something we’ve had to work through.
So all that goes to say: yes, if you find the right person you’ll be able to make it work. The key, in my opinion, is talking about it and being very clear about how you’re wired and that it isn’t anything wrong with them.
FridaySteve@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
In the early 90s in sex ed they told us all, as a group, that men are only looking for sex to get a load off and women are nothing but submissive cum dumpsters except and of course obviously your life partner who you submit to on your wedding night and stay with forever. Literally we were taught this in public school. It’s no wonder people view sex and gender the way you do. Nowadays thankfully we view both sex and gender as individual.
To respond to your original idea, it sounds like a compromise. When you find the right person (and there’s someone for everybody) you won’t have compromise on that core, basic level. That’s what sexual compatibility is.
Analog@lemmy.ml 6 hours ago
Sex is more than fucking. The fucking is great but even medium term, there absolutely needs to be more. As others have mentioned it’s about a connection, intimacy, and feeling sexually desired.
The scheduled part is only something that would bother someone without kids. With kids, you either schedule sex or only have it very rarely.
Scheduled isn’t a dirty word, it just means you’re making time for someone you care about. I’ve found it’s nice to have a time to look forward to.
I have only surface level knowledge of ace folks, so pardon the question: is scheduled intimacy something you could look forward to and enjoy? With optional sex… knowing that the sex isn’t something you need.
If being intimate without sex isn’t enjoyable to you, it you don’t think you could make someone feel desired (at any level, since it’s obviously not going to be sexual desire!,) then I would suggest looking for other ace or ace-leaning folks.
MolochAlter@lemmy.world 7 hours ago
It’s definitely affecting it, yes.
For most people being sexually desired and knowing they are is a very important part of a relationship.