How do I feel comfortable/safe going outside by myself after being so used to have parent(s) be with me outside most of my life?

Submitted ⁨⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

This is a kinda embrassing question to ask so pls don’t judge.

I did have moments where I like… went to the local library alone, or like an all day school trip or something…

But I never really like… explored outside alone… especially far from home…

So like… I feel scared about the idea of like… just going for a walk all by myself…

I realize I’ve always just asked parents to drive me somewhere so I never got a chance to just get in the habit of being by myself.

I don’t have a driver’s license so I don’t really have like a car to “retreat to”, if you know what I mean, like as in sort of “castle”.

How do I even “feel safe” just being outside on my own? For context I’m non-white so it’s… kinda intimidating… especially in the current context of US political atmosphere.

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hedge_lord@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I know what you mean with the parents providing transportation to everywhere! I was in a similar situation when I moved out. I was often too anxious to enter a store on my own because I had never had to do that alone (or really been given the opportunity to do that alone).

What helped me was finding a nice coffee shop near my place. They had delicious matcha lattes and I made a tradition of walking there on weekends. Then I realized that I could stop at a scenic park on the way back home. Then I realized that I liked walking around. Then I realized that there are cats outside and I can pet them! And at some point I also got really into pokemon go. It was a compounding series of small realizations that I could just go out and do things.

Disclaimer: I’m not from the USA and I am white, so that affects my experiences of this. That sounds very scary.

Side note: I’ve made a map of the locations at which I have encountered cats, making note of how many were there and if they were friendly or not. It gives me a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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rimu@piefed.social ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Exposure therapy?

Start small, do it over and over, gradually increasing the amount.

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just_an_average_joe@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
That sounds like me at 23. Do you by any chance have OCD? Or maybe autism? I would try asking for a diagnosis from a psychiatrist.

Just so you have hope. I am funtioning member of the society as in I can go out for groceries/doctor’s appointment etc. So don’t lose hope.

As for how, the hard truth is you will need exposure. It kinda never goes away (atleast for me) but it gets managable. I would recommend asking a friend to accompany you first few times and then try going out alone and slowly and gradually it will get better.

Another piece of advice that was kinda profound moment for me during my therapy. Try not to look for what went wrong in your past, I remember I was listing things to my psychiatrist about how my mom did this and my dad did that and she said: don’t dwel in past because you can never change it, instead think about what you can do today to make it better.

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- DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I don’t think I have autism, I can talk to my peers just fine, I just have separation anxiety because… idk I just never had to chance to be out in the world alone, like truely alone without a parent nearby.
  
  OCD… probably… germophobia probably caused by my highschool looking very unsanitary and just Covid that sort of “flipped a switch” in my brain, constantly aware of all the “contaminations” around me.
  
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  - just_an_average_joe@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    I also don’t have autism but do have OCD. Although my psychiatrist did say I met the threashold for a formal diagnosis for autism but I declined.
    
    Also OCD is way way more than just germophobia, for me i am a lot more obsessive than I have compulsions. I just to watch so many lectures and read books on body language, but in the end they didn’t really helped me as much as just forcing myself to have more exposure
    
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adespoton@lemmy.ca ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Other ideas: play Pokemon Go or try geocaching as a hobby. The main thing that gets you over that weirdness barrier is feeling like there’s a reason for you being where you are — like you belong there. The only way to get that is through exposure, but the easiest way to get THAT is to already have a reason to be there.

Geocaching will only work if there’s others doing it in your area, but it will also give you a sense of community and connection, which will help when going other places. Plus, both things are global, so you can take them with you anywhere.

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Routhinator@startrek.website ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
This is exactly my problem with BCs stupid laws. Kids can’t be without their parents until 11.

ELEVEN!

Christ. How do they ever learn independence when they spend all of the most crucial years of their development forcibly tied to the parents hip?

I was allowed to go to the corner store at five. By ten I was completely independent and mowing lawns as an afterschool job.

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anon_8675309@lemmy.world ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Great question.

I would suggest picking a spot to go to and coming up with a complete plan of how to get there. List all the things you need to do to get there and back as well as what you’ll do when you get there. List all the things that you think may have a stumbling block or learning curve.

I’m old and I still do this for new places.

It’s not embarrassing, it’s planning.

Enjoy! You’ll be fine!!

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litchralee@sh.itjust.works ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Is there anything near your home that you can walk to, to start? A park, a convenience store, or even just a friend’s house? I would start with those destinations, and then work your way to farther journeys. My presumption is that there are at least sidewalks and crosswalks near you, as some parts of the USA are genuinely built in the most pedestrian-hostile way.

Those farther journeys need not be on foot, but you could take a bus, a bike, or anything else that’s available to you.

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- DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I have a library nearby, but honestly I only went there when I was a teen and my laptop stopped working.
  
  I don’t really like to go there just to read a book, too awkward for me, I prefer just downloading a .epub from online.
  
  Its like… its all just older people that goes there. I never seen like someone my age, especially now that young people all have their own computers and they don’t need to use the library computers anymore… it feels so out of place being there, its all just older people there. Cause too much anxiety for me.
  
  There is a park near me that I like to go to, but it’s driving distance away not easily walkable to (takes like an hour or something, I aint gonna walk 2 hours to and from there, public transit doesn’t go there,), my dad just drives me there all the time so I never actually went there alone.
  
  Also like, I’m actually kinda scared of public transit. I also never really been on public transit alone, I’ve always been with at least one of my parents.
  
  Omg I realized my messed up my life actually is. I hear that kids go party during teenage years… but I ended up being just so anxious and never like learn how to be independent.
  
  There are like shopping malls within 20 minutes walking distance, but I don’t wanna like just walk around if I’m not buying anything… feels too weird.
  
  I feel like I really need a driver’s license so I can just like… feel more in control. (I could like borrow parents car for now)
  
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  - pelespirit@sh.itjust.works ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Just walk there and go back home. You’re going to have to embrace the “feels too weird” part. Feeling weird is part of life.
    
    There are like shopping malls within 20 minutes walking distance, but I don’t wanna like just walk around if I’m not buying anything… feels too weird.
    
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  - protist@mander.xyz ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    The best cure for being too anxious to go to the library or ride the bus is to go to the library and ride the bus. Your rationales for not doing these things don’t hold up, because the entire point of this advice is to help you get used to leaving your house by yourself. Don’t make excuses and just go.
    
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  - litchralee@sh.itjust.works ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    I grew up in a suburban neighborhood that was built to only encourage driving and discouraged everything else, so my parents also took me most places during my teenage years. The cul-de-sacs made it particularly hard to walk to anything interesting, even though such destinations were actually fairly close by, as the crow flies.
    
    What I would suggest is that if there aren’t many interesting destinations to start with, perhaps the walk itself can be of interest. Unless the walk to the mall is along a surface freeway with no soundwall – an actual occurrence in my hometown – you might start with an out-and-back trek to the mall, observing whatever architecture, people, or activities are visible. Think of it like people-watching, but less awkward because you’re just passing by, not stopping to stare.
    
    As another commenter wrote, getting comfortable with something is a matter of doing it, first in a controlled manner and then gradually broadening your horizons.
    
    But if this still isn’t a workable plan, then perhaps plan a day out to the 1-hour-away park, taking some time to explore what’s just outside that park. It’s not cheating to use a car to get to a more walkable area. The walk should be the adventure.
    
    I wish you the best of luck!
    
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  - colourlessidea@sopuli.xyz ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    
    I feel like I really need a driver’s license
    
    This could work out in your favor actually. Taking driving lessons will get you going outside without your parents anyway (I assume, if you go to a driving school) and that could be a good start to getting comfortable with it while remaining in a car and working towards a license.
    
    Another option: could you go out with friends? Maybe have a friend meet you at yours and then walk somewhere together?
    
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  - Rozz@lemmy.sdf.org ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Not every kid went and partied as a teenager.
    
    You can start with somewhere you’ve already been. You don’t have to hang out there at first. Buy a drink at a small shop or just walk to the library and back( without going in). Go pretend to mail a letter (are postboxes still a thing?). Walk around the block.
    
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  - Bonifratz@piefed.zip ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    When you go to the mall, what exactly causes the anxiety/feeling weird?
    
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Mongostein@lemmy.ca ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Try riding a bike?

You’re moving faster and people don’t expect you to stop and talk or anything. The bike ride is reason enough to be outside, so you don’t have to feel that awkwardness of being somewhere without a purpose.

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- adespoton@lemmy.ca ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  This is a good idea; having a purpose really helps.
  
  You could also try running short distances in running gear. The “uniform” helps as it becomes your mobile safe place, and the effort and endorphins the running generates keep away the feelings of depression.
  
  And because you can’t get as far away from home as you can on a bike, you can easily get back home (and you’re already running).
  
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  - Mongostein@lemmy.ca ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Also a good idea. Even wear headphones (with nothing on, or something on low) so you can ignore people and they won’t know you’re just being rude. ;)
    
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angelmountain@feddit.nl ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
This is such a foreign question for me. In the country I grew up in children are kicked out of the door to go and play outside as soon as possible (age 3 or 4? Idk, long time ago). My parents would give me rules like “don’t cross the big road! And home by 6” and I would ride my tiny bike around the neighborhood together with my friends.

I think you’ll just have to go out as much as you feel OK with. And maybe think of a plan B for when things do go wrong. Stay close to other people who can help out if something goes wrong, tell others where you are and when they should expect you back, take self defense classes, have a phone at the handy, etc.

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- DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  
  This is such a foreign question for me.
  
  Yea I know, which is why I’m kinda embarassed to ask it on a western forum.
  
  My parents kinda just never really put much effort into encouraging me to be independent.
  
  play outside as soon as possible (age 3 or 4? Idk, long time ago)
  
  Kids in my parents’ village might do that.
  
  I think during 0-8 years old I was mostly living in a city, except like sometimes visiting parents’ villages and I never felt comfortable exploring much anyways, I don’t know the kids and I’d be back in the city for when school starts. Like city-city, not suburb. I was in Guangzhou, China. Like Apartment buildings. I remember my mom warned me a lot about kidnappers (apparantly it happens often in China according to my mom) so I don’t remember going outside often and never unaccopanied. Parents were like busy and worked from early morning till late at night. I mean they even have this weird child-proof lock thing that locked from the outside… like you turn a key all the way in a direction and it locks and prevents the inside from opening it. Cuz if nobody was home, my parents didn’t want us to like… run off or something…
  
  Well I wasn’t like alone-alone, I just get stuck at home with my older brother… who just wanna like fight with me all the time…
  
  Pretty sure this childproof lock thing is a firehazard… 👀
  
  Oddly enough, I remember I’d walk home alone during school lunch time… like I’d walk home, eat lunch at home, then walk back to school (cuz there was no free school lunch), I was like 6-7 I think, and it was like in broad daylight so I guess my grandmother just didn’t feel like picking me up. But I think my grandmother was supposed to take me to school and pick me up most of the time.
  
  That was the extent of my independence. I wasn’t allowed to like play outside… cuz of the supposedly kidnappers that roam the streets (I looked up a few videos now as an adult, kinda terrifying ngl).
  
  When we arrived in the US… similar… but its more because of being in a foreign country so I personally also felt scared. My mom just put me in an afterschool program so I’d be in school till 6 PM then stay at home till next day. Weekends I’m not supposed to go outside unless there’s a parent with me. I always need a parents to go outside… I mean I guess mom both didn’t want me to be in danger and also was afraid leaving us outside unaccompanied would trip up CPS or something… and you definitely don’t want them involved when you’re new in the country.
  
  So yea… I never got to be by myself
  
  So I eventually learned English, and this place became “less foreign” to me. And I also got older…
  
  but still… I think I just got so used to never being by myself from birth till like… 13 years old(I think?), that I never really tried to go outside much, even when I was eventually allowed to walk home by myself when I was 6th grade…
  
  I did like go to the library a few times to use their computer to play some web browser unity fps games… but then stopped doing that when I had a computer at home.
  
  My parents never really pushed me to go outside… and I think I just got so used to the “stranger danger”…
  
  so… yeah…
  
  I guess the takeaway from this post is… I realized how much my parents and the circumstances of my life kinda stunted my mental development?
  
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lime@feddit.nl ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
As others have already said, exposure can be a good way to overcome fear. Start by going somewhere nearby. Maybe ask a friend or someone you feel safe with to accompany you a few times until you are familiar with the route or area. Download an offline map in case you get lost.

You said you feel out of place at your local library , but they’re a quiet, safe place where everyone generally minds their own business. You can probably even bring take your own ebooks there to read. You don’t have to interact with anyone if you don’t want to, just get used to being in a different setting.

Can you take driving lessons? That could be another way to familiarize yourself with different areas and find more independence.

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IWW4@lemmy.zip ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Are you starting university?

If so, take things slow and stick to campus. Dorm room for meal and then back to your dorm.

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- DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I’m supposed to be, but I had to withdraw due to depression…
  
  I mean… I literally got so much separation anxiety when I tried to stay at a college owned apartment.
  
  I mean is it even surprising I have depression… never feeling safe outside and also never feeling safe at home either… yea depression is just a deterministic outcome at this point
  
  Oh btw my older brother never opted for the university housing… he just went to the satelite campuses close by instead of the main campus, to stay at home throught the entire 4 years… like just commutes to college… its a 30 - 45 min drive away…
  
  I don’t think he wants to admit it, but I think he’s also afraid of leaving home…
  
  Literally never seen him go outside or anything besides work… so he’s just like me… but he’s acts, IMO, even weirder than me
  
  So… it’s not just me… my mom has raised kids that are trauma bonded to her and don’t know how to be independent…
  
  Great job, mom 🫠
  
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  - prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Start small, choose some place close like a convenience store or something and keep doing that until you’re comfortable, then slowly expand. After a while you’ll get used to it, and distance won’t matter as much.
    
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  - IWW4@lemmy.zip ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Since you are posting this question, I am assuming you want to get out. Take it slow and stay close to. Familiarity breeds comfort.
    
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natecox@programming.dev ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
One of the best things my parents ever did for me was let me start riding a bicycle to school in high school. I’d walked to and from elementary but that was only a few blocks away, high school was miles away.

I rode about 16 miles a day, across busy streets and through neighborhoods and a state college, and it didn’t take long before I was going much father than that for recreation on the weekends too.

When I was on my own as an adult, I was ready.

If you’re not ready yet, you will get there. Start small, push your comfort zone a little bit every day, pretty soon it will feel normal.

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partial_accumen@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

So like… I feel scared about the idea of like… just going for a walk all by myself…

How about making a list of the things you think would possibly happen to you going for a walk by yourself that would justify being rationally scared. Then go through the list and consider even if each event is possibly, how probable is it? I think you’ll find that that things you’re most afraid of are the least likely to happen.

Now as a comparison, make a list of all the things that could happen to you staying at home. Another list of all the things that could happen to you being driven to your destination. Assign realistic probabilities to each event. I’m guessing you’ll find that the probabilities of bad things on each of these three list will all look pretty equal. If they are equal, then going for a walk is no more dangerous that staying home or being driven somewhere.

In a sense, if you’re afraid to go for a walk, you should be equally or more afraid of going for a drive or staying at home. As such, its not more dangerous to go for a walk than the other option.

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j4k3@piefed.world ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Bikes are anonymous, especially road. No one is watching or paying attention… Part of the problem too, but still. I’ve been through some shit on a bike, but honestly still recommend it 10/10. The odds of you encountering some political refugee with a third grade education and a four page long driving record are nearly zero. You will never learn an area like you will on a bike. I have been all over Orange county and have ridden a lot of Los Angeles, Riverside, and San Diego, all from just starting from home. I know places on a different level than most people, like I know the bike trails, back roads, fire routes, parks, military bases, and all the way down to connections that are not intended like through golf courses, sidewalks and stuff. I know of a bunch of eclectic pastry shops too because I would make them destinations to push up my miles. Like, today I’m going to hit up a Persian place in Tustin, then a French shop in Huntington Beach before heading home for an 80 mile day. It takes awhile to build up that kind of strength, but only around a year. It is the ultimate freedom.

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5715@feddit.org ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Exposure time, taking pressure out of the equation and reflection (thinking what felt good, distinct or interesting etc).

With experience comes confidence, which is like personal infrastructure.

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Lasherz12@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
If you truly haven’t had exposure then really all there is to it is doing it and seeing that it’s okay. I wouldn’t want you to route through dangerous neighborhoods or near an ICE facility entrance or anything, but areas you’re familiar with visiting with your parents that aren’t too far away should be easy targets to talk to and get value from the independence traveling on your own affords you. It should be pretty motivating in itself to no longer have to run on other people’s schedules once you experience it.

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