Submitted 2 weeks ago by chilliest@reddthat.com to [deleted]
Keep in mind that these apps are run for profit by corporations. You meeting someone suitable and leaving the app, means less revenue for them.
So they can be fun to mess around for a while, but unless you’re extremely lucky, don’t expect long lasting relationships from them.
Incentives: you find a girlfriend the app lose a customer. They are not optimized for you finding a girlfriend.
Gender imbalance: there are about 3* guys for every girl. There is very little leftovers for you as an average guy. *Very crude counting from me 5 years ago.
Sure you may find one and it’s relatively low effort. Don’t get your hopes up.
Funny anecdote: I’ve had more luck getting dates from World of Warcraft.
Funny anecdote: I’ve had more luck getting dates from World of Warcraft.
Because common interest, and engagement without an agenda.
Funny anecdote: I’ve had more luck getting dates from World of Warcraft.
Same here lmao
That said I’ve never used other dating apps what wow.exe
I met my fiance on Team Fortress 2, so I can back up your anecdote that video games are better for dating than dating apps lol
They absolutely do work, and I can’t recommend them enough - this is coming from a male mid-40s divorcee. I was on and off Tinder for 4 years looking for a relationship and met several women, before finally meeting my soul mate. For somebody like me who isn’t the most outgoing person, they were a godsend in terms of meeting people. Some of the negativity in these responses is wild.
They’re a relaxed, accessible mechanism for starting conversations. Yes, there’s incentive for the companies to keep you on the apps but it’s certainly not forced, because if they didn’t ever work, their incentive for use evaporates.
I am 100% of the opinion that people who have limited luck on dating apps are likely to have the same limited luck in real life. It’s just that the apps present you with multiple “opportunities” in succession that you don’t get in real life, so it could feel like constant rejection for some. If you match with a real person and start a conversation that goes nowhere, that’s down to yours or their communication, or a simple incompatibility. Both parties have already shown an interest at the point of matching. Where goes from there is down to you.
It’s entirely a numbers game. You can’t expect to hit it off with every person you match with online, any more than you could in real life. But you will find someone that you otherwise wouldn’t get the chance to meet through other circumstances.
A lot of young people don’t realize just how difficult post-school dating was before online dating. Once we exhausted the pool of 5-10 single people who were friends of friends, that was basically it. We’d have to go find strangers at the bar.
That conditioned everyone to be slightly more willing to settle for less perfect matches, knowing that there wasn’t necessarily a replacement available. That could be a good thing (people more likely to have the patience to let a spark develop) or a bad thing (a higher percentage of couples who just resented each other).
I can see an argument that things were better before online dating for some subset of people. But having lived that period, I can say from experience that it wasn’t easy then, either. And for someone like me, who is a better writer than I am a speaker, especially over the phone, the rise of text-based communication was helpful for navigating the early stages of relationships when that became the norm.
The free tier will let you swipe x times per day.
Of the 10,000 matches in your area, 1000 might be real humans.
So, it ends up feeling like a waste of time for any guy that doesn’t get their profile pics taken by a professional. The odds of your iPhone pics standing out are slim unless you’re rocking a speedo packing a hog, ridiculously muscular, or apparently holding a fish? That can’t be working…
It ends up feeling like a waste of time.
The main problem is that some younger people don’t even know that dating apps weren’t always that ass. When tinder was new-ish you got unlimited likes and like 5 super likes a week or something. There were hardly any bots. Even with my lazily taken photos i would get a bunch of matches, meet someone, delete it, rinse and repeat.
When i use tinder now i get maybe 3 matches a month and at least two of them are bots.
I’m certain that tinder straight up doesn’t show your profile around if you are male presenting.
I have a female friend who also had tinder and we did a test. I set mine in men looking for women. I got her profile pretty soon, she never got my profile as an option.
The odds of your iPhone pics standing out are slim unless you’re rocking a speedo packing a hog, ridiculously muscular, or apparently holding a fish?
From my experience; that’s not what women are looking for. At least, not the ones I ended up matching & later talking about the dating app experience; but then I matched without any of those types of photos… so there’s selection bias in my sample. I did encounter a number of women mentioning the ubiquitous “fish pic” and though it was strange. I guess if you like fishing as a hobby that’s fine; but I don’t notice that many single men when I’m fishing. As a response I would send them a selfie holding up my kids’ “fish” bath toys and that always got a laugh :)
I met some nice people, but had better luck just meeting people naturally in my 20s. I think the reason why dating apps didn’t work is that it’s kinda like job apps online, where there’s just waves of people, and everyone is just kinda putting their resume on their profile. Hard to stand out and meet “real” people among bots/hidden likes/ app design/bad matches.
Usually these companies make money by having users churn through loads of bad matches and then continually pay for premium.
I’d recommend joining a club IRL or volunteering, it might be a more organic fit. Friends -> dating can come naturally out of that.
It can be rough on your head (emotions, ego, attitude). I went to Match at 67, felt a little like back at Jr. High. Announced I’d give up twice, but arter a bit looked back again. My last “what the hell, one more” connection was with my now partner and I’m glad I stayed with it. I don’t know how much was luck. We’ve been together 4 years, sold our houses, bought one together.
Your sons are speaking from their experience, which may not be the same as yours.
Enough has been said about the dating apps, so I feel it’s OK to remark on something else:
separated from my wife of 31 years - just earlier this month. Honestly, I’m already feeling bored and lonely
Can you provide some more context here? On the face of it it makes you sound like being dependent on a woman to keep you company. Sorry if I misinterprete that. But shouldn’t you be rather busy with other things now - idk, moving, settling in, changing your life alround, finding new friends, recovering from the separation…
FWIW, my (now) 52yo brother and his wife found each other through a dating site/app almost 10 years ago. They seem to be doing well.
Trying to think outside the box here, but maybe if she feels the same (and it sounds like you were both pretty mature about all this) you could join the local swinging scene together? Better and easier as a couple than as a single male.
Just be aware that in many areas if you aren’t divorced then sleeping with someone else is called infidelity. Judges tend to get pissed about that during divorce proceedings.
As someone else stated, they are indeed worse than people say. The has been massive consolidation in the industry, to the point where nearly every app is owned by the same company. And that company has been caught, multiple times, catfishing their own users with bots that then ghost them.
The company is pure Chicago School economics; they don’t care about their users or product, just extracting money from people. Generally, this is men (though not always) as the culture cultivated in the apps is pretty shallow and messed up.
Overall, it’s a much better time to engage in some sort of social hobby of the like. Success rate will likely be higher and the experience less depressing.
They used to be better. I had a lot of success when they were relatively new. However the culture around them has gotten worse and more toxic, and the companies have grown more abusive of customers. Just what I gather… I haven’t tried since 2019.
Tinder was okay for meeting people interested in actual relationships when it was newer. It seemed to turn into more of purely a shallow hookup site. I tried Bumble, and that worked, though it apparently is not as good as it used to be. Never tried Hinge or any of the others.
I met my wife on a dating app in 2019 on Bumble (28 at the time). It can work, but you have to be willing to sift through a lot of bullshit and be patient. You also need to be able to handle rejection and mistreatment (like getting stood up/ghosted). It’s ultimately a numbers game and it takes time to find someone that is actually right for you.
I expect it’s probably also not nearly as bad for older age groups. At your age, I think people are going to be a lot more likely to be direct and know what they want.
My advice is to try it out. Worst case, you decide it’s not for you and try something else.
I used bumble and found my now wife. My advice is to do it like a background task while you are also doing other things, so you’re not desperate you can evaluate people there better.
A lot of negative comments. I went through a divorce last year (male, mid 40s), and used dating apps when I was ready to start meeting people. I was apprehensive going in but ended up shocked by how positive the results were. After a week or two I would have several matches and pause searching while I talked with those and planned in-person meetings. Most profiles you’ll never get a reply. Of those you match again, half likely never respond to initial introductions / questions. But, if you live in a major metro area there’s still plenty of people looking for relationships if you’re willing to filter through that. I’m now happily in a relationship for the past few months so I’ve stopped using these apps.
I tried 3: eHarmony, hinge, and bumble. Here’s my feedback from best to worse.
Hinge: encourages discussion as an initial match prompt. I met the most people on this app and many matches led to in person dates. Met the person in currently dating seriously on here.
Bumble: costs money to send a comment / question, free to “just swipe”. Kept showing me profiles for people currently within my search distance, but who have listed another major city as their home (I guess they’re connecting through the airport and on the app?). Went on multiple dates with matches, fewer than hinge.
eHarmony: where I originally met my wife ~20 years ago. Now had the fewest matches and worst experience (and highest cost). I stopped checking this one after about a month. Went on only 1 date.
Feedback from my matches about the app: many men are using it to find people to cheat with / aren’t serious about a relationship. All of them told me actually holding a conversation on the app put me in the “top tier” of their matches. Many shared that matches just gave super short answers then asked for a phone number. Several noted that half the time they shared a number they almost immediately received dick pics. Multiple said matches tried to get them into crypto (?!?!).
For me (busy work schedule, and still spend half my time with kids) the experience was far better than any dates friends or co workers suggested. The profiles are not super deep… Yes everyone loves live music, travel, and the office. I wanted to connect over something more specific than that. At least the people you match with are also looking for a relationship. Meeting people through my hobbies at 40+ most are in long term relationships or not interested in starting one. The apps are largely superficial… Half the first dates I went on one or both of us decided not to have a second date. Which is honestly expected… Even after filtering through the profiles and messaging in app you still only know the basics for most people.
For you specifically: many matches took issue with the recent timing of my divorce. If you’re separated (not divorced) expect that to be a deal breaker for many.
Grindr is great. No complaints.
I met my wife on… drumroll… FACEBOOK DATING yes I understand if anyone finds that hard to believe. But I think their dating service is fairly new (at least it was 4 years ago) and it didn’t charge me like other dating apps I’ve tried. My dad also found a his wife online, as well as 2 of my uncles. At least three of the four of us also went out socially and met women that way, just ended up trying out the online thing for shits n giggles and found success!
My advice would be to try stuff out for yourself! Just don’t expect to get a hit immediately. Using dating services takes a bit of a learning curve. You got this
They’re an excellent way to expose yourself to way more people than you would in real life. But the people who’ve been using them for a long time tend to have a warped mindset of very high standards. If they drop the person they’re currently seeing they can line up another date within a week. That’s been my experience in the 20s demographic, but maybe the older crowd is different
Yeah. they’re horrible. Find your local library, they have tons of things going on, usually. Probably have something you might find interesting involving others.
Otherwise, there’s plenty of other 3rd spaces, like community centers, or things more directly dedicated to your interests.
Dating apps are bad, full stop. HOWEVER if you are a decent looking person you can get by. Hinge is the only app thats really working out for a lot of people, but as a man youre likely going to need to pay for results. Also it depends on your location. If youre not in a place with a few hundred thousand people, you may not want to bother.
If youre bored, average looking, and have money to throw out, you may want to try it. What can you lose other than some cash?
To be honest, learn who you are before going on an app or trying to engage for a partner.
You’ve been together (in perception, at least) a long time and you’re still that married person and it will take time to remember who you are without that other person, regardless of whether you were a functioning couple or two people in the same house.
The loneliness is just the transition sinking in.
I’m a couple years older than you.
As someone who met the Person i love and live with in one of the dirtiest gay hookup shitholes i can say, yes these Apps are fucking pathetic and literally tuned to make you feel like shit (Its literally an algorithm that wants you to get addicted and spend money on it, it absolutley is that bad).
There are lots of people on it who got so broken by these apps that they just fuck arround there and bully others or scam you.
BUT: there are some people like you, the hard thing is to find them without going insane or getting catfished by a real person or even a bot thats owned by the dating site themselfs (of course there are a shit ton of other bots there to lol) IF, and thats a really really really BIG if! if you have the time for people who will definitly waste it, the media/technical competence to not get scammed in one of thousands of ways and you are imune to social media Algorithms that hit you with dopamine in ways that makes your brain want to vomit after some time using them, you might be able to find someone on there. i was and im looking forward to marry that guy! would probably never found the love of my life if i hadnt wasted 100+ hours in fucking planet romeo and grindr…
It depends.
Those apps rely a lot on your physical appearance, and how good you look in a photograph.
And if you are interested in dating women you’ll have a harder time than if you try to date men.
As a bisexual person every time I open a dating app I have hundreds of likes from men, and barely one or two from women.
Yes and no. Capitalism has lead to shitty experiences for users, but also users self sabotage. It is possible to find success for free, but you’ll probably need to spend time and effort on it.
On the one hand, they are capitalist shit holes. They want to make money, not find you a partner. There’s not enough competition (match group owns a lot of different apps). Those are big factors in why they suck. They’re going to keep asking you to pay for more, and there’s no competition to drive down prices or force innovation. This absolutely sucks and should be changed, but good luck getting the current US government to do anything good.
The other problem is many users are frankly bad at using the apps. They have a blank profile, or one that has no hooks. When they get a message, they dead end the conversation instead of engaging. They ghost.
Don’t be like that. Don’t send generic messages. Have a profile that funnels people into interesting stuff you want to talk about. When the app has a space to write your hobbies, do not write “lol I dunno”. That’s stupid and self sabotage. Write something (true) that gives people an entry point to talk to you. “I really like making pizza! I’m working on perfecting a stuffed crust recipe” is basic but gives them something to talk about. Many people fuck this up and then are like “why does no one send me interesting messages??”. They don’t know you. If you don’t present anything interesting, they’re not going to know.
Once you have the conversation going, ask them out. I’ve heard many people complain about this problem. Guys will match and then text and text and text for days or weeks, and never ask them out. Then they complain “I never get a date!”. Self sabotage. Match, ask a question about their profile, have one or two exchanges, clear any deal breakers (eg: if you’re divorced or have kids), then ask them out. That’s it. That’s the game. People fuck this up and blame the apps.
You don’t need to be mega good looking. That’s just a bullshit self comforting excuse. I used to have a horrible cave man beard and none of my clothing fit right. Still got dates. The bar for men is in hell. If you can converse, be kind, and pay attention to them you’re already ahead of the curve. Getting a good hair cut, clothes that fit, and a good photo helps, but do not think you are immutably unattractive. That’s nonsense.
Your location matters a lot more. If you live in bumblefuck, Wisconsin, where there are 23 people in your age and gender range, you’re going to have a bad time. There’s a special place in hell for people who lie on their profile, though. Don’t say you live in New York when you “might move there some day” or commute in for work.
I never paid for the apps. When I’d use them every day, I could typically get a date a week. Some were just the one date, some lasted weeks, and a couple lasted longer. I’m about 40 and largely unremarkable. You have to put time and effort in. Every day, go through profiles and send quality messages. Most will go nowhere. Don’t be discouraged.
They’re not the best, but there isn’t a reason not to try if it interests you. A good friend of mine in his mid-40s was divorced from his wife and went on Bumble about a year and a half ago. He went on a handful of dates and only a couple months in met his new girlfriend. They’ve been together a year now, they’re doing well and she’s great. Point is there are lots of success stories.
Yeah, I wouldn’t suggest it be your only approach, but they do work in some cases. I’m poly and met one of my partners on OKCupid and another on Feeld.
Dating profiles are like work resumes. They take work and refinement. Not getting responses? Try tweaking your profile and changing your profile pics. I find apps that don’t let you put more than a few minutes into your profile are a waste of time because you simply can’t figure out which profiles are real people and which are bots/scammers. I include everything in my profile that might be a common dealbreaker (poly, not religious, child-free, etc) so that anyone who swipes on me has already already filtered into a smaller and better-matched dating pool.
The other thing that has worked for me is to not chat with a person online for longer than necessary. You need those Once I’m confident that the other person is real and that we have the potential for a connection, I ask if they want to have a quick vibe check meeting. 30-minutes to an hour max, typically over coffee, minimal pressure. Just get that first conversation over with. Let them know you’re a safe person first, then hopefully establish a connection, build up some flirty energy, and schedule a real date on the way out.
I’ve heard it’s actually pretty good for 40yo+ people. The app isn’t the main problem, it’s the people.
Depends on your expectations. Realize there’s roughly 3-4 guys for every girl. If you don’t standout in some way it will be a very quiet experience outside of the initial joining period (and immediately after the subscription ends if you paid).
Just remember, companies exist to make money. If you’re using the app for free, you’re not the customer, you’re the product.
They aren’t bad, they are worse.
It depends on what you want.
If all you’re looking for is casual sex, they’re pretty great. If you’re looking for love, you’d do well to search for it in a more organic way.
He’s just separated from someone he’s been with for 31 years. Probably thought it was gonna last forever.
Might not be looking for the same thing again lmao
Time to sow the royal oats, no doubt.
Haha so many people here getting 0 matches
For real. Matches have much less to do with appearance or age than they do with bad profiles, poor chatting skills, or unpleasant personality traits
How are matches related to chatting skills? you chat AFTER your match.
Have you ever done Speed Dating? Where you have 5 minute dates and if it goes well you arrange another?
It’s kinda like that, except it’s presented in the most shallow way possible and wrapped into a skinner box. The apps are so full of bots (usually scammers/phishers) that most of the matches you recieve will be fake. That’s means there’s a little dangerous with every new person you match with while you both figure out if you’re talking to a human or not. Beyond this, the apps are somewhat anonymous in a dangerous way. You don’t know if you’re meeting the person you say you are until they show up in front of you. Sometimes you match with someone and their personality isn’t what they say it is.
They’re fine, probably just about the worst way to meet someone as a long term partner. I’ve had good luck with hookups on dating apps, but I’ve had the WORST luck actually dating on them.
ada@piefed.blahaj.zone 2 weeks ago
Honestly, I think they're worse than people say. There might be the odd good news story to come out of them, but they are designed to get you to fork out cash, and stay around and keep forking out cash, so their whole goal is to feed you hope, without ever causing you to be successful enough to leave.