Do you actually care about your friend's new baby, vacation abroad or similar life events or are you just being nice?

Submitted ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨ContrarianTrail@lemm.ee⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

Because I don’t, and pretending to feels dishonest. I’ll listen if they want to talk about it, but I’m not going to act interested, and I certainly won’t ask about it on my own. What I’m trying to figure out is whether people actually care, or if they’re just playing a social game that I’m simply not interested in.

I’m probably on the autistic spectrum, which likely explains this to some extent. But that’s not an excuse - being an asshole is perfectly compatible with autism, so before dunking on me, please realize I probably agree with your criticism.

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solrize@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I don’t get all wrapped up in imagining sharing the experience or anything like that, but it’s always nice to get a factual update about the other person. And if they have something interesting to say about whatever it is, that’s good too.

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Sarmyth@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
As i got older, I cared more. I uses to listen politely, then I started to look forward to hearing about my friends and family lives. Now I’m one of those guys who calls to ask for updates. 😆

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Jikim@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Yes I do care. The reason i care is because it makes me happy for them as a friend that they’re going through or went through an event that brought them joy or enriched their lives somehow.

If it’s a coworker then I’m usually doing it to be nice, but also because if you’re spending a considerable amount of time with your coworkers each day, you’ll probably have a more enjoyable work culture if you get to know your coworkers.

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tyler@programming.dev ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I care. Some people care more than others. That’s fine.

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TrickDacy@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

I’ll listen if they want to talk about it, but I’m not going to act interested

Yikes

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- AnxiousOtter@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Indeed. OP basically outing themselves as a self centered narcissist.
  
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  - TrickDacy@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Yeah.
    
    I can’t be bothered to even pretend to care about the lives of people I claim to care about
    
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  - mayo@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Not true. If you go through life being expected to act a certain way all the time that eventually takes a toll. OP is doing right by himself the same way everyone else does when they share things expecting they’ll get a narrow and specific reaction from people. If you want to throw around the n word that’s as good a place as any.
    
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ryven@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
How good of a friend are we talking? I care about my roommate’s nephew. I know his sister, and we’ve played D&D with his brother-in-law. The baby is, like, a relevant part of being friends with them. Similarly, if he went on vacation I’d want to hear about how it went, especially if anything interesting happened.

On the other hand some of my coworkers at my last job liked to talk about this kind of stuff, and I didn’t really care, but it was nice to have something to talk about while I was setting up a new printer for them, or whatever.

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- ContrarianTrail@lemm.ee ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  I don’t feel like it makes much difference whether the person is close to me or not. It’s not that I don’t care about what happens to these people, but a huge part of the topics people generally small talk about are the kinds of mundane things I have almost zero interest in discussing. For example, if something interesting happened to you over the weekend, I assume you’re just going to tell me about it - I would. But I sometimes feel like people expect me to ask about those things, and when I see others do it, I’m often a bit skeptical about whether they’re actually interested or just going through the motions. Thus this thread.
  
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  - TimewornTraveler@lemm.ee ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    If you call “mundane” creating new life and welcoming a new person into the world, or exploring new corners of this tiny world that we are confined to, then I would really love to see what you consider fascinating.
    
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  - VerilyFemme@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Asking questions is how most people show interest. That doesn’t mean it’s disingenuous. Conversations are not events where people take turns talking at each other, they’re back-and-forths.
    
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lime_red@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I care that they care. I’m happy that they’re happy. I’m pleased that they took the time to share with me, if even indirectly.

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LucidNightmare@lemm.ee ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I, for one, absolutely LOVE it when people talk about things that excite them. I ask questions because I want to see them get even more excited or passionate. I would honestly be hurt by someone like the OP, only pretending to be interested, because then with no follow up questions or anything, I would assume the conversation is going nowhere and would probably stop even trying to interact with them.

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- ContrarianTrail@lemm.ee ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  I specifically wont pretend to be interested. You’ll notice that I’m not - that’s why I wont ask in the first place.
  
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  - mayo@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    I think I’m a bit like you since I do that too. Everyone (even at work) knows that I don’t want to see baby pictures and I’m not excited about a baby. I don’t think much about having kids but parents usually really really love their kids immediately, even before they are born, and if they are close friend or family then I am ok vibing with that for their sake.
    
    The only time I’ve actually felt positively about it is when my best friend told me they were having a baby. It took me a moment but I thought then felt that I was able to be happy because he was happy and his partner (who I also like) is happy, and then it took me a few days of thinking about it that part of me was also picking up on this excitement because I wonder what my best friends kid will be like. And it’s only because I care about him and his life a lot. I’m not close to my sister and have never felt those feelings before about babies/parents.
    
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intensely_human@lemm.ee ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I used to not care.

Now after a few years in a men’s group, I actually care.

I’m a lot happier and mentally healthy than I was before too.

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- Melvin_Ferd@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  That’s what I found. I thought people were faking because I was cynical. Then I met healthy people and realized it’s actually ok to care and I was choosing not to care instead of choosing to care. Do I care all the time, absolutely not. But I’m getting better. I find I enjoy listening to people who are healthy have these conversations while looking at them without the cynicism.
  
  I started to realize the small talk that a lot of people online complain about is a choice.
  
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- bashbeerbash@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  where did you find a men’s group? I live in a rural area of the US so most men I meet are proudl ignorant/hateful trump fanatics
  
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- ByteOnBikes@slrpnk.net ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Honestly this is how I met my wife.
  
  I used to get all preachy about how stupid Star Signs were and how dumb it was to watch heroine movies. But then, I was just tired of feeling so angry. I just started listening and approaching them from an understanding perspective.
  
  My wife told me that was the only person who ever made her feel heard. and I’m also a lot happier!
  
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idiomaddict@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Autistic and I don’t care, but I do listen and I try to do it well.

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VerilyFemme@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I just use the golden rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. I’m autistic, diagnosed in 2016. One thing I’ve noticed when hanging out with other autistics: they all want to talk about their special interest, and will go on for hours unhindered, but you can try to make conversation about something they don’t care about for 5 minutes and they don’t even pay attention. I’m definitely guilty of this, to a degree. I think that’s part of having autism. But the next time someone is telling you about something and you find you don’t care, consider what it would feel like if you were discussing your special interest with someone and they just acted disinterested the whole time. Doesn’t feel good, does it?

It’s important to realize that in conversations, most people don’t care about topics, they care about the person to whom they’re speaking. When you speak to someone, you’re signing up to have a conversation with them, not necessarily about something. For example, my fiancee is really into musical theatre, and I’m not. I don’t understand any of the terminology, or what even goes into a stage show. But I love her, and if she wants to talk about it, you bet your ass I’m sitting and asking questions because I know I’m going to end up telling her about Black Ops II Zombies lore for like 2 hours straight later. It’s not necessarily transactional, it just would be a terrible relationship if I only talked to her about my interests.

There is no social game. Well, probably to some psychopaths somewhere there is. But people ask you questions about things in your life because that is one of the ways people show interest in others. It’s nothing to do with gaming the social system - they are interested in talking to you, so they give you opportunities to talk about yourself, your interests, and what you’ve been doing. Sure, they probably don’t “care” about what they’re asking about the same way you do, but they’re not asking out of some cold, machine like formula that lets them climb up the social ladder - it’s just how being social works.

I’ll leave you with this thought: being able to listen to and understand the feelings of someone else in a situation you have no attachment to is empathy. Studies on empathy have shown that it is a skill that can be improved, not a static thing that’s rationed out to you in a certain amount at birth. One good way to work on empathy is to imagine yourself as the other person. So, the next time someone’s telling you about something you don’t care about, you could imagine being in their shoes. You may realize that they have something worth caring about after all, and though you may not care as much as they do, you may appreciate what they have to say just a bit more.

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swordgeek@lemmy.ca ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
So I’m in my mid-50s, and I’ve honestly only come up with genuine lasting interest in my friends’ lives in the last few years.

I noticed that I’d get together with friends and they’d say “hey, how did your kid’s sportsball tournament go back in July?” What struck me about it is that they cared enough to actually hear what I said, and remember it - not because they have a deep abiding interest in my kid’s life, but because they cared about me and the things that were important to me.

And I wasn’t repaying the care.

So I’ve tried to change. When people tell me stuff about their kids or vacation, I make a concerted effort to remember it and remember the significance of it, because the fact that it’s important to the people I care about means that to some degree, I care about it as well.

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Tramort@programming.dev ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Somebody I care about has had an incredible event or experience in their life. Of course I care and want to hear about it.

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Wrongdoer4094@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
For some stuff I don’t care, some other makes me jealous and some other is actually cool to discover/learn (think of some new place to have lunch/dinner or some hobby you didn’t know from your friend).

But in general I am with you, and I also feel like most people liking and commenting are playing the social game.

I am not very active in social networks, though…

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IMNOTCRAZYINSTITUTION@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I do care. being part of my friends lives gives me meaning.

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linearchaos@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
You care about your baby and your vacation. Being excited to share that with other people is normal, and when you share something you’re excited about with other people, it feels good; you get a serotonin boost and relive it in your mind. That process requires two people. It’s a social contract. The other person is going to get relatively little out of the situation, but perhaps they get a little nostalgia recounting their own experiences and thinking back to their own kids. You should play along and ask questions because it makes them feel good, and later on, when you’re jazzed about something, they might return the favor.

When someone is excited to recount a vacation abroad, it’s a learning experience. Where did you go? What did you like? How were the people? What was hard about it? How much did it cost? Assuming you get to travel, it might give you helpful information that will make you more at ease with making your own plans.

Children: When you have them, most people get rewired a little. You go from OH KILL ME NOW, THERE’S A CRYING BABY ON THE PLANE to, ohh god, she must be miserable scared and confused, somebody snuggle that baby. When I see my coworker’s baby, I get a wave of feelings/memories from when I cradled my own.

I think I get your frustration, and it echoes my own from years ago. My recommendation is to learn to play social the games. It doesn’t take as long as it feels like it will out of your day to act compassionate. Making those connections with people and how those people see you is important. It opens opportunities and can give you comfort and give them greater patience with you when you need them to be patient. You might also find that moving through the motions strengthens your empathy.
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RonnieB@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
A baby and a vacation aren’t comparable.

Do I “care” about every little detail of their vacation? No, but I’m glad they are happy and had a good time.

People like to talk about their experiences, it’s not really a game.

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fine_sandy_bottom@lemmy.federate.cc ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I think your angle is a bit reductive.

Conversations or interactions generally don’t go from 0 to how-dare-you-not-care-about-my-baby instantaneously.

For example, in a cafe, order coffee, I’ve never met the barista before, they’re not going to flop out baby photos and grill me about how much I don’t care about their kidlet. They might make casual conversation, how are you, great day, bit tired, newborn up all night, oh I have a newborn too, she’s been unwell, yeah ours had HFMD last week, oh that’s tough, is she better now, was the fever bad, and so on and so forth. What I’m saying is, it’s through the too and fro that you guage how interested someone is in the things that are important to you.

If my sister had a child then she would probably just expect me to care about her new baby because she’s family and we see each other every week and the new baby is going to be part of my life for the rest of my life.

Another thing that happens is… people just get excited about things and that’s ok too. I became a new father almost a year ago. To me, it’s the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me. Of course I understand that it’s not very amazing to anyone else, but for those first few weeks of course I was excited about it. It would be fine if I were to “overshare” with my barista, but it would also be fine if they were to tell me to keep my baby photos to myself.

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- ByteOnBikes@slrpnk.net ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  I was thinking about this for a while.
  
  I’m very short and direct with people. I’ve gotten more polite, but like if someone starts to ramble, I politely redirect them back to the focus and to stick to time. It’s great at work! Every non-essential thing eats into my work hours.
  
  But I noticed I was doing it with friends too. and I realized how selfish I was becoming to them. Like, I’d cut them off to bring up something I was interested in. And they’d politely listen.
  
  Over the year, I’ve gotten better at recognizing that fair exchange of time with friends. They can talk about babies, or life. And I can talk about which Pokemon is acceptable to eat.
  
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RBWells@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
About a new baby? Yes, show me pictures. Also your new kittens, kitchen, a cake you made, a painting you painted, sure, yes.

Vacation not so much.

But these weaker social connections are so important to life and to society. You can’t sort people into friends or strangers, care and don’t care. There is a lot of room in between - people you know but aren’t close with are most of the people you know. It doesn’t matter if you are just following the forms, that’s fine. Keep on doing that, be nice.

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nednobbins@lemm.ee ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Do you consider yourself these people’s friend?
If you’re completely disinterested in their milestones, that sounds more like an acquaintance.

But to your question, yes. I actually care about these things for acquaintances and random people too. There are limits to how much I care but it’s not zero.

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- LoganNineFingers@lemmy.ca ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  This just happened to me today. I was talking with a colleague and recalled that they had just gone on a short trip with their partner. First time away from the kids.
  
  I asked how it was, I was a couple weeks overdue but they excitedly told me about it. It felt good to ask, did it change my day? Not really that much.
  
  But this person was excited to share (a few weeks ago) their excitement and anticipation with me. So when I asked how it went, they got a chance to relive it and share with me the results.
  
  All in all, they cared enough to share, I cared enough to ask and at the end of it, I felt good. I got to share in their excitement and make a person feel heard and valued AND they got to relive the excitement again.
  
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  - nednobbins@lemm.ee ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    It happens regularly.
    
    I’d also add that I find everyday stories from real people to be vastly more engaging that the completely unbelievable stories I see on TV.
    
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Jimmycrackcrack@lemmy.ml ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I care, usually not very much, but somewhere above zero. It’s good that they actually have something to talk about which therefore gives us something to talk about. Holidays overseas are a bit easier than kids because there’s some relatability there but whatever they’re talking about it’s usually more the person talking about it that’s interesting more than the thing. You’re already friends, so you already enjoy their insights or way of talking about things and you’ve probably been there for a fair few of their important life events so it’s nice to hear about the latest ones and how that’s shaping then today as others shaped them before.

Because I don’t have kids and wasn’t on their vacation for me there is a natural limit imposed on just how interesting it can be hence saying I don’t exactly care a whole lot, but it’s usually at least enough to make sharing a beer more satisfying.

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FundMECFSResearch@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I care. Sometimes it’s a bit boring but I love my friends and sometimes put a little work in to keep the connection.

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stinerman@midwest.social ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
No, but I’m depressed most of the time so I don’t really care about a lot.

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SkunkWorkz@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Some people truly care, some don’t and some fake it. Nobody is forcing you to care or even fake it. There are just consequences to it if you don’t, some people will think that you are an asshole if you do that and don’t want to associate with you anymore. It’s up to you whether you can live with those consequences or not.

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- VerilyFemme@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  This is probably the most concise and practical answer in this thread.
  
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Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I love how half the answers are “Tell me about your vacation, forget the baby.” And the other half are “OOOOH A BABY! Who cares about where you went!”

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Showroom7561@lemmy.ca ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Very, very, VERY few people actually care about other people’s kids. And that interest only goes up slightly when they are related to the child.

Nothing wrong with you feeling that way.

As for vacations, life events, etc., I’m interested in knowing what goes on in my friend’s lives… that’s kind of what having a friend is about.

BUT… I’m interested in hearing about these things face to face. I couldn’t care less if they’re just social media spam about what they did with their spouse. That’s one reason why I stopped using social media.

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- bamfic@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  I dunno. I always ask my friends what their kids are up to and am interested to hear. It’s usually entertaining or enlightening. I love talking about my kid and most parents are the same way. Tho I have a few friends who don’t feel comfortable talking about their kids for various reasons so I don’t ask them.
  
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- Nightsoul@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Totally agree, when it’s on social media, I don’t care at all about it, just another thing to upvote and scroll on by
  
  If I’m talking to them, whole different story, because then it’s more personable
  
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- yrmp@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  I think your characterization is probably somewhat incorrect. I care, and I have seen other parents care. Maybe single childless people don’t care, but this is not always the case.
  
  I care about other people’s kids. I want them housed, fed, clothed, etc.
  
  I want my tax dollars to improve other’s lives so they have what they need to be self-actualized human beings.
  
  I won’t let them get hurt at the playground if I can help it.
  
  I watch them when they cross the street to make sure they do it safely.
  
  I have little ones myself and I believe it takes a village. I’m also 37 and a German/US dual national. I was raised to care, and the societal standards for the US are not a one size fits all definition globally. My wife is Latina and her family is friendly to all children and show lots of care. Germans watch out for others’ kids as they walk to school or play on the playground. It’s disappointing to hear that the fake niceness of the US really is fake here but not very surprising. You truly can’t relate to each other. I am glad I’m moving out next year.
  
  Yes yes. I know this is the internet and kids bad, but I do enjoy when a child smiles or has a small victory. And I enjoy seeing my friend’s children be friends with mine and grow up together.
  
  TLDR some of us care and love to see pictures and hear about your kids.
  
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  - Showroom7561@lemmy.ca ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    
    I care about other people’s kids. I want them housed, fed, clothed, etc.
    
    I want my tax dollars to improve other’s lives so they have what they need to be self-actualized human beings.
    
    I won’t let them get hurt at the playground if I can help it.
    
    I watch them when they cross the street to make sure they do it safely.
    
    Oh geeze, yeah, I hope that what I wrote didn’t come off as “not caring” about the wellbeing of other people’s children, because that’s absolutely not what I meant!
    
    What I mean is that most people don’t get excited about when someone else’s child just spoke their first word, or took their first step. They really don’t, because it’s not a milestone that impacts that person’s life in any meaningful way.
    
    When someone sends you baby picture after baby picture, or their kid’s school trip photos… nobody actually “cares” about those things. It occupies no space in their head past that brief moment they were told about it. That’s what I mean.
    
    If those things make you happy, there’s nothing wrong with that, either!
    
    Do cute kids put a smile on my face? Of course. But do I care that an acquaintance’s child now uses the potty? Not. At. All.
    
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scoobford@lemmy.zip ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I’m another maybe-autist. I don’t care at all about babies or whatever, but a vacation might be interesting. Not if their vacation was just to a resort though.

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ultranaut@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Yes, if friends. Unless they are repeating themselves, I’m going to be interested at least a little. Coworkers, no. I’ll be polite and sympathetic but if it is not related to work I am unlikely to be interested and will try to bring the conversation back to work topics or end the conversation as soon as I can without being rude. Randos, maybe but probably not. I’ve met lots of interesting people and am always kind of interested in hearing about the human experience from anyone who want to share theirs, but really I think I got too old or jaded for that. I avoid interacting with random strangers if its a choice now, and am always at least a little skeptical of whatever bullshit someone I don’t know has to say to me. I try not to be rude expressing my disinterest but I will be if it feels appropriate or necessary.

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TimewornTraveler@lemm.ee ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
For a real friend? Absolutely! I’ll hunt them down. For a coworker or loose acquaintance? I care a little less, but it’s still nice to see occasional baby photos and vacation pics.

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- dragonfucker@lemmy.nz ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Drag was socially conditioned to pretend to be interested through years of relatives sharing holiday pictures when drag was small.
  
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  - TimewornTraveler@lemm.ee ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    I dont know who drag is. Also, I don’t really care.
    
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Lauchs@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
This feels like the wrong framing.

I dunno, I like my friends and them being happy about something tends to make me happy. Do I find every baby/vacation anecdote amazing? Absolutely not but a lot of them have a kernel of funny or just something interesting for me to note.

Also, from a pure reciprocity perspective, don’t you enjoy having folks to talk with about things going well in your life even they’re maybe not the most unique or compelling things?

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