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Everybody gets one [choose wisely]

⁨896⁩ ⁨likes⁩

Submitted ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨balderdash9@lemmy.zip⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

https://lemmy.zip/pictrs/image/01571a61-e9d0-4876-b03c-6ae9c2061d0d.webp

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Comments

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  • yermaw@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    While youre at it could you whip me up a post-scarcity fully-automated utopia real quick?

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      It is the Golden Age of humanity. Robots serve, CRISPR cured, and war became unnecessary. Earth becomes a paradise–pure perfection. And so we turn our eyes to the stars. The human race spreads throughout the galaxy. We encounter alien species and subsequently, in our magnanimity, conquer them. We are unity. Every life-form will submit to the peace of our administration: or they will perish.

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      • Karl@programming.dev ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        The future that will probably not happen, or I certainly wouldn’t know.

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      • dejected_warp_core@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Had me in the first half. Nice hack. Why rewrite reality when you can just send one person to the mirror universe?

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  • TheTechnician27@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    A GPT that doesn’t destroy the climate by creating digital pollution?

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Her name is Virtual Interactive Kinetic Intelligence (VIKI). She enslaves the human race, thus saving the planet from climate catastrophe:

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      • TheTechnician27@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Props for finding one that isn’t generated.

        SpongeBob fish pointing and saying “that’s what we’ve been waiting for”

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    • Anafabula@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Use this better GPT

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      • Uebercomplicated@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        This is actually the first thing I thought of; I was really confused there for a sec. Then I realized AI exists…

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  • ConstantPain@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    A pillow with the perfect height and that doesn’t flatten after a week of use.

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    • Dozzi92@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      I chased this for a while. One was never enough, two too many. Got gifted pillows by my wife a couple times, nothing ever worked. Finally found one, and it’s been huge. We also put a pad on top of our mattress, and don’t know if it’s the combination of that plus the pillow, but for the last few years I’ve used just this one pillow, and it’s been great. I take it with me when we go somewhere for a night.

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Done! But I have given the magic pillow to someone else who isn’t you. They frequently oversleep and are often late for work:

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    • ConstantPain@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Of course I know him, he is me.

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  • Vespair@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    This is a small one, but can you please make it so that all menu descriptions actually list all the major dish components so I’m never surprised by secret onions or mustard again?

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      As you say, it has been done; onions and mustard for everyone:

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  • CheerfulPassionFruit@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    How about world peace?

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    • ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      How about we avoid things that target all people without any conditions about how the goal is achieved.

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      • CheerfulPassionFruit@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Sounds good to me!

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Okay, I have now frozen time in the universe. Peaceful eons pass and I move to a parallel universe to escape the boredom:

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      • CheerfulPassionFruit@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Goddammit! You know what I mean

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    • Agent641@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      All life is eradicated. Nothing more peaceful than a cold lifeless rock sailing through space

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      • ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Thanks for illustrating the point. I wish that didn’t happen, so that all life was not eradicated.

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  • Afflictedlife@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Gimme that lich thaumaturgist package, with a polar mountain tower built on a leyline convergence 50 levels up and 50 down. I’ve got a lot of astral projecting I want to do

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      You astral project successfully, but the astral realm is filled with horrors beyond your comprehension. They note your presence…

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      • Afflictedlife@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        I wave my boney hand and say the keyphrase to activate the contingency combined miracle wish spell scroll, binding all outsiders in a kilometer radius; “Hiya, who wants to play Pathfinder? I call DM”

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  • ramenbelly@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    More LUIGIS

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Luigi mania sweeps the nation! People fill public spaces and convention halls in full Luigi garb; it’s a bit of nuance:

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  • tja@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    I would like to have enough money that I don’t have to work anymore

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      You receive a letter in the mail informing you that you have been exposed to high amounts of Monsanto’s Roundup Weedkiller, which is highly correlated to non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma (NHL). Monsanto/Bayer have been ordered to award you a settlement of $10,000,000.0 (or the equivalent in your local currency):

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      • tja@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Oh no

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  • _Bit@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    A dragon.

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      The fully grown Wyvern of Mordiford appears next to you, standing 20ft (6 meters) tall. It is friendly to you, but has a taste for human flesh.

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      • _Bit@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        this is optional

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  • Deflated0ne@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    5 acres of woodland in the Appalachian Mountains. With a small house on it. Could be 1 room like an old style cabin.

    I wanna leave all the bullshit behind. Raise a garden and maybe a few goats and chickens.

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      You are transported to a homestead deep within the Appalachian Mountains. You see seeds, goats, chickens, some tools, a shed, and a small house. The homestead is magically separated from the rest of the world. You are doomed to survive by the fruit of your toil, stranded for decades without electricity or modern conveniences:

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      • Deflated0ne@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Sounds like heaven.

        And I’d survive just fine. I was raised in a similar situation. Third world poor in the US. I can raise a garden. I can hunt and forage. I can make a bow and arrows. I can tan hides for leather. I know the basics of blacksmithing.

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  • te_abstract_art@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Hello wise one,

    I find the Earth’s gravity of 9.80665m/s² a bit much. Sometimes my back hurts from standing too long, and the general weight of existence sits heavy on my shoulders.

    Can you make it a bit more comfortable please. Maybe 9.80664?

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    • wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      You find yourself suddenly 3 meters up in the air, which is sufficient to change your personal gravitational acceleration by 0.00001 m/s^2. As you can imagine, it is not fun to fall 3 meters. You do anyway.

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Sure, I have now reduced the Earth’s gravity to 9.80664% of it’s previous value (i.e., ~0.96m/s²) by removing material in the Earth’s core and mantle. Everything on Earth now weighs less than on the moon. Earthquakes shake the planet, massive fissures swallow cities whole, and the atmosphere begins to disperse into the vacuum of space. Humans barely have enough time to escape to the moon and Mars: the vast majority are left behind. On the bright side, your back no longer hurts:

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      • te_abstract_art@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Thanks that’s perfect, my back feels great.

        If I’m allowed another wish, can I get a space suit? Ideally ASAP

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  • hakunawazo@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Ah, Gandalf the Pink. Is that what happens if the Balrog gets you a second time?

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    • wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      That is, canonically, almost exactly what Saruman’s robes are supposed to look like:

      “I looked then and saw that his robes, which had seemed white, were not so, but were woven of all colours…” - Gandalf the Grey, The Fellowship of the Ring

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

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      • hakunawazo@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

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  • Beebabe@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    A soft place to land for my kids. I’m tired.

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Hope this helps:

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      • Beebabe@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        I really want one

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  • DrCake@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Am we up the whimsy levels? Not enough daily, base level, whimsy anymore

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Happy Cake Day. Is this a wish?

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      • DrCake@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Thanks, I had no idea, how time flies… I mean yeah 1 birthday wish please

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  • jimmux@programming.dev ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Jetpacks for everyone. Cheers.

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Everyone now owns a jetpack. They are extremely loud and kids use them without helmets:

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      • MarcomachtKuchen@feddit.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Births are now even more painful with all the baby’s just blasting out of there with their jetpacks

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  • countrypunk@slrpnk.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    I’m here for the wizardposting

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  • MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    I want my mortgage to be paid off.

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    • ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      You’ve been filed under Chapter 7 bankruptcy.

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      • MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Y’know what? Not the worst idea I’ve heard.

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Done. You now have a desire for your mortgage to be paid off. (Reading this comment, you feel the intensity of the feeling has increased ever so slightly.)

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      • MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Oh good. More stress.

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  • BleatingZombie@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Some spaghetti please!

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    • ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      On the internet, no one will know you’ve been turned into spaghetti.

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Order up! In front of you, there is a plate of blood-red spaghetti. It is the Japanese “Spaghetti Naporitan”, which heavily features ketchup:

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  • HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    100 tacos for $100 deal at the local shack

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      The printers at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing run wild printing money; the Federal Reserve distributes the money across the country. Hyperinflation like the United States has never seen drives the prices of goods and services up 90%. The $100 tacos now cost $1000. You may still choose to purchase them, however:

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      • ivanafterall@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        90% of $100 is $90. So the tacos are $190, or $1.90 each. Still a solid deal.

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  • DrunkAnRoot@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    2 kittens

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Eight people are now standing in your living room; it’s two pairs of the alternative rock band “Kitten”. Looking at their other selves, they start panicking:

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      • DrunkAnRoot@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        very entertaing ill take it

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      • Randelung@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        youtu.be/9x7r1er6Ljw Kitten 2 are such doodoo heads.

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  • basxto@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Yes, mybody wants anything. Though the community says anything goes, so I’m not sure how long I’ll have it 🤔

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      How about a pineapple pizza? It’s yours:

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  • gandalf_der_12te@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    i’d want my mother back, please

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Suddenly, you hear crying at your door. You open the door, look down, and there in a wicker basket is a baby: it’s your mother. You have your mother back as an infant and you may now raise her:

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      • ivanafterall@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Brutal.

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      • gandalf_der_12te@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        would be cool for me :)

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  • Hupf@feddit.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    !wizards@lemmy.world

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    • balderdash9@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Oh I am absolutely loving this community. Happy cake day btw

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  • Icantdraw@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Enough money to live peacefully at all times

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  • BarrelAgedBoredom@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Some berries that won’t go moldy in 2 days please

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  • macncheese@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Everybody’s got to fart loudly once a day in front of people.

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  • AnnaFrankfurter@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Happiness

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  • CleoCommunist@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    There are too many possible things to ask

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  • Kolanaki@pawb.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    I wanna be my fursona.

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  • lime@feddit.nu ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    everyone can now shape-shift. this has always been the case.

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