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Comments

• billwashere@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  The “be on the street to greet her as her Uber arrives” is a giant red flag by itself. It’s about her controlling you. You should run, believe me.

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  • SturgiesYrFase@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Classic coercive control, what used to be called brainwashing. It’s emotional abuse.

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• Mothra@mander.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  yes you would be responsible!!!1!1!! you’d be sent to jail with the same sentence as the kidnapper whether they catch it or not!!!

  Of course not. I would brush this off thinking your GF is probably not even 20 years old yet. The situation sounds a bit immature. I would be concerned if she’s older than 25 and making that scene though, it sounds like a very large red flag. Now, perhaps she’s been through some trauma that would explain the behaviour, if that’s the case you may want to consider professional help.

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• norimee@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Has any of you guys commenting even thought that they live in an overly dangerous place and she was genuinely scared?

  Of course, waking him in the middle of the night was over the top and maybe a red flag, but anxiety can do that to you.

  What would you do if the CCTV on our street is broken by chance?

  Who has CCTV in a residential street, that isn’t dangerous to walk through? Nowhere where I live, but I’ve been to some sketchy parts of Manila for example where my local friends would freak out at the thought of walking home from the corner alone. (“Oh my god, do you have a death wish? You can’t let them drop you anywhere that isnt directly your actual door! Someone will kidnap or kill you!”)

  I think her behaviour was somewhat understandable if she was genuinely scared and felt let down by him because he seemingly didn’t care for her safety.

  We all act irrational sometimes when we are scared, that doesn’t mean everyone has a personality disorder or someone even suggested schizophrenia. Seriously people! Cut others some slack for some irrational emotions every now and then.

  OP, tell your girlfriend that you love her and care about her and that you’ll make an effort to be more thoughtful of her safety and her fears in the future. Because this just might be it. She felt unsafe and that you didn’t care if something happens to her. She probably had these thoughts on a loop in her head since she got home.

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  • EatATaco@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    I’m generally pretty generous when it comes to realizing I’m hearing one side of the story and that it’s always much more complicated.

    But, dear God man, if what he says is even remotely true and she was hovering over him while he was sleeping, and then when he awoke she asked if he would murder someone for her, and then what he plans to do with their cat after the murder, that’s not just being “genuinely afraid” and acting irrationally when in the middle of being very afraid.

    She might be suffering from some anxiety that she needs to address, but let’s not play down how disturbing this is…especially because he called it “the usual.”

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  • Skankboot@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    would you kill the guy for me?

    You know, the usual.>

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• lvxferre@mander.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  You’re probably better off trusting your guts, and the guts of people around you, than what anyone in the internet says about this matter. Including me.

  That said: I don’t think that she’s either gaslighting or guilt tripping you. I think that she’s simply feeling insecure.

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• Hikermick@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  She was trying to rattle you. Next time answer ridiculous questions with ridiculous answers

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• RampantParanoia2365@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  My main question is why are you already sleeping in separate bedrooms at this point?

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  • mortemtyrannis@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    One of many reasons; people are shift workers and keep different hours and don’t want to disturb each others sleep when alarms go off/they get out of bed.

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    • RyanLiu@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      I worked night shift for a year or two, that is indeed why we started sleeping in separate bedrooms. Right now, our schedule is still a 1-2 hours apart, enough for us to want to sleep in separate bedrooms.

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• riodoro1@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  I know I’m in the wrong for missing her text. Not trying to argue otherwise.

  Totally wrong to have your own life. What a dick.

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• FeelzGoodMan420@eviltoast.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Rekt

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• solrize@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  I’ll leave the psychological analysis to others but when I’m in a text discussion that needs synchronization (e.g. pick someone up at the train station), I usually respond to incoming texts as soon as I see them, e.g. with “ok”, unless I’m driving and the person is expecting me. Even if I’m driving, I’ll hear the incoming text buzz the phone, so if I think it needs immediate attention I’ll pull over and look at it. So lack of such a text response within a few minutes could indicate “follow up with a voice call”.

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• BearOfaTime@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Her standing by your bed and behaving like that is childish and she’s demonstrating manipulative behaviour.

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• Contramuffin@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Not gaslighting, and from what you seem to describe, doesn’t appear to be manipulative either. She just seems to be angry. Not to say that you can’t be both angry and manipulative, but I don’t see clear intent for her to try to guilt trip or gaslight you.

  Gaslighting would be if she lied and said that she sent you a message when in fact she didn’t. i.e., lying with the intent to make you question your judgment and perception

  Guilt tripping would be if she pressured you into giving her a gift as compensation for ignoring her message. i.e., taking advantage of someone’s feelings of guilt to get them to do something for you.

  I don’t see any lie, and I don’t see hee trying to extract anything out of you. Worst case interpretation, she’s being a bit petty. Best case interpretation, she’s scared of being alone outside.

  I noticed your final paragraph, and I would be cautious in general about saying that someone who’s trying to convince you that their anger is justified is automatically manipulative. That’s kind of just how anger works. People think that their anger is justified. Otherwise they wouldn’t be angry. Manipulation occurs when you start to feel like you are being used for their own motives.

  Either way, you should probably talk to her about it. It seems like she thinks the issue is more severe than you appear to think, and that is something that should be discussed with her

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  • BearOfaTime@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Standing by your bed while you’re asleep and berating you isn’t manipulative?

    Nah, to needs to leave, now. No sense hanging around to see what this escalates to. Not worth putting in the effort for someone who’s demonstrated they need to grow up.

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    • FuglyDuck@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

      This is absolutely manipulative.

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• You_are_dust@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  I can’t tell if this is a joke post. Assuming that it’s not, there’s a lot of missing context. If she wanted you to meet her and you got that text, why didn’t you? Do you live somewhere that human trafficking is that much a part of daily life that this is an issue? You make comments like a lot of her irrational actions are normal things, which they probably shouldn’t be. She wants assurance that you’ll track down and murder a trafficking group like Liam Nesson and then switches gears immediately to what about the cat? I hope this is a joke post.

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  • RyanLiu@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Context: I got the text but that the time, she didn’t know when she’d get home so I was waiting on a follow up test with the time she’d be home (again, my bad for not making sure I can hear them), and we live in Taiwan, where even robbery is rare.

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    • You_are_dust@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      So you’re saying it is pretty irrational for her to be so extremely worried about being kidnapped? Is she a very anxious and nervous person? It sounds like she was dropped off very close to home. Is she one to turn nothing into something like this? From an outside perspective, her reaction seems way out of line.

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  • lvxferre@mander.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    The way that I interpret it, OP’s girlfriend was simply being hyperbolic. I don’t think that she’s genuinely asking OP to kill her hypothetical kidnappers; specially given that, as OP mentioned, they live in a safe place.

    Instead I think that she simply wants to be reassured that OP cares about her and her security. And then started playing around with the “but what about our cat?” thing because come on, if you’re thinking on outrageous scenarios, might as well think on them properly!

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• silly_crotch@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Is she Asian ?

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  • RyanLiu@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    We are both Asian.

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    • silly_crotch@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Yeah I’m sorry if this is insensitive but a lot of this sounds like common cultural expectations for women from east Asian backgrounds. You guys could probably have a discussion about how you understand gender roles and how her upbringing might have informed her.

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• GBU_28@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  I’m sorry, can you highlight anything from this story that aligns with the definition of “gaslighting”? I’m sure you looked up the definition and examples before you typed out this post

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  • 14th_cylon@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    since op is asking questions like

    My question is, am I really responsible if someone kidnaps her

    i’d say she is pretty successful

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    • GBU_28@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      That is not gaslighting holy shit

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• givesomefucks@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  That’s legitimately not gaslighting.

  And gaslighting is 100% real thing, but I always think of this Rick and Morty clip now when someone brings it up:

  www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFM5E93NOF4

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• mundane@feddit.nu ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  Texts are not synchronous communication. If a response/action is needed, a voice call is better suited.

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