How do you fight abandonment issues when people keep abandoning you

Submitted ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨Baggie@lemmy.zip⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

I’ve had a bit of a rough go with it in terms of being raised in a bad environment, not properly socialised properly early in life, and to top it off my partner of 7 years just ended things because of some pretty nasty issues between us that I felt were perfectly fixable.

Everything as it is, I’ve started having issues with feelings of being disposable. Like I don’t matter, like I’m nothing and I can’t expect people to stick around, like they’re waiting for a reason to abandon me.

On a logical level that doesn’t hold much water, but at this point I’m starting to wonder how to fight these feelings if they come from very factual places. How can I justify the thought that I inheritly have worth, if the reality of the situation is that I keep being treated like garbage.

I’m doing all the right stuff, seeing a psych, prioritising recover, actually have a pretty decent inner voice going, but the feelings are still really strong and it’s hard to fight them. I’m not really sure how to handle this.

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cheese_greater@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
Not to pry, but could you talk more about what actually led to your now previous relationship ending? Like what was the situation as objectively as you can describe it. Sounds like it might have been a last-straw kind of thing but it would be helpful to have a better picture

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scarabic@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
Could you be confusing the facts with your feelings? You thought the relationship issues were fixable but the partner did not. Were they just saying that as an excuse to abandon you? You could look at this differently. Everyone gets to decide if a relationship is where they want to invest their life. If you honor their right to do this, you could stop looking at it as if the entire enterprise was a great big abandonment of you. That really does sound like your take on it. We’ve all had relationships end. I’ve been on both ends of it. I didn’t see it through the lens of abandonment because I don’t have that upbringing.

But you seem to insist that the facts align with your feelings, therefore your feelings are pretty legitimate and so you don’t know what to do. It really sounds like your feelings are 100% in charge of you here. They don’t have to be.

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Jtee@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I find it hard, but try some introspection to find what your mental and physical needs are (hobbies, bodily movement, experiencing nature, whatever it may be) and then see how you can meet those needs on your own.

Once you start to get a better grasp on yourself and your own needs without external validation, youll be closer to the zone of “happy on my own/loving yourself”.

Then you can start to fit someone else into the picture, be it a romantic partner or more friends.

If you do have any close friends you know you can trust, lean on them. Tell them where you are mentally, and let them know they don’t need to be there always, but when you’re in the shits they will be better prepared to support you

And always remember, baby steps are still steps forward. (Also, if you have access to therapy/counseling, please reach out to someone professional)

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AskewLord@piefed.social ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Stop seeking the approval of crappy people.

I’ve been here too. I just kept interacting with crappy people.

Good people won’t abandon you.

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RedSeries@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Are you me? Fuck.

The best I’ve got is to be more selfish and be okay with the idea that people and relationships are temporary. When a relationship feels like an event and not a forgone conclusion it doesn’t hurt as bad when it ends. It also helped me with grounding myself and recording my emotions are not always mirrored.

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- Baggie@lemmy.zip ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I completely understand your logic there, but I’m not sure it’s something I can become accustomed to. I feel like I’ve got a similar viewpoint with the idea of death at least, the inevitability of things passing, but my issue seems more the idea of my own inadequacy, the fear I may not deserve connection with other people.
  
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  - FearMeAndDecay@literature.cafe ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Flip the perspective. For example, you felt like the issues with your partner could be worked on and they didn’t work on them, they just left. So rather than wondering if you deserve a connection with them, consider if they deserve a connection with you. You’re putting work into the relationship, trying to figure things out, and they didn’t put in that effort. If they aren’t willing to put in the effort for you, then they don’t deserve a relationship with you. Surround yourself with people who value and work for a relationship with you. I don’t mean this in like a “test people to see how much they’ll put up with” way, but in a “find people who match the effort and care that you put into the relationship”
    
    If you approach a relationship from the perspective of not being good enough and having to always earn their love and care then you’re always going to give too much and try to take something they can’t give you (self love)
    
    Also, try to remember that you’re going through a rough time right now. The pain of the relationship ending is still raw, so of course everything else is going to feel more shit too. Keep moving forward, working on and caring for yourself. It will get better, so don’t give up
    
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  - RedSeries@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    You absolutely deserve connection with others, we all do. There’s an expectation that you and I have that really hurts us and makes that hard to accept though. I wish I had more concrete or resonating advice to give. Honestly it was a lot of therapy and work just to get to where I am.
    
    You deserve connection and you deserve love.
    
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snek_boi@lemmy.ml ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
In your experience, does fighting the feelings help? Answer not using your logic, but your felt experience.

Odds are, fighting doesn’t help. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here asking for help.

You hurt because you care. You care about belonging, about contributing, about being open to others. And, since you care about this, you hurt.

We can’t get rid of this kind of hurt. Would you even want to? Would you want to be indifferent to other people?

I’m not trying to be mean or brutal. I’m just trying to a place where this hurt is a meaningful part of your life and not something you keep fighting (and failing to defeat).

So what can you do? You could notice your thoughts as thoughts. You can try giving your brain a name and thanking it for informing you about the things it informs you throughout the day. This doesn’t make thoughts disappear, but it helps seeing them as thoughts and not reality.

You can also imagine that you carry your sensations, memories, moods, thoughts, images, etc. in your hands, as if you were carrying a delicate flower. This is a way to honor your life without running a way from it and also without being entirely determined by it.

Finally, you can ask yourself what kind of person you want to be, what you stand for. What are the qualities of being that you would like to adopt in your life? You can discover this intuitively by wondering what you care for. If rejection hurts, you likely value inclusion. If abandonment hurts, you likely value consistency and kindness.

The task the becomes accepting our current reality (thanking our brain for its suggestions and holding our whole life experience preciously) and taking our next step with the qualities of being that we value.

If you’re curious about this perspective, let me know and I can tell you more about it :)

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JayleneSlide@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
The abandonment issues are a huge challenge. Empathy by way of anecdote: my abandonment issues as a child were so bad that I couldn’t tolerate the idea of limited edition breakfast cereals. “What if I really like this cereal and they stop making it?!”

It took me a lot of time, professional help, and mindfulness. Understanding my attachment style helped a lot. The super short, abstract spiel: attachment style is mostly set in stone; we can only work on our reactions. A positive inner voice is a huge step.

Everything as it is, I’ve started having issues with feelings of being disposable… I can’t expect people to stick around, like they’re waiting for a reason to abandon me.

That shit is going to happen. Stick with me here, because this is going to take a dark turn, but I found what works for me. You are disposable to most of the world. And you absolutely cannot expect people to stick around. To wish otherwise invites disaster. Graveyards are full of irreplaceable people.

You can, however, be such a positive addition to your physical circle (with enough self-awareness and boundaries to prevent getting exploited) such that your circle regard it as unthinkable to be without you. That positive inner voice you’re working on… great! But it’s not going to be one big thing that makes everything work better. It’s going to be lots of little (and a few big) changes that turn the ship around. Give the self-work a couple years. You may not even notice the changes, but they all add up.

In understanding your attachment style, you can more easily find people who are compatible. Spoiler alert: avoidant attachment tends to trigger people with abandonment issues; anxious-avoidant attachment styles tend to burn everything down around them.

Calm your reactivity, improve your communication and self-awareness, grow your mindfulness and acting with intention. Non-violent communication (NVC) is the kind of thing that pays dividends everywhere in life. As is mindfulness. Develop a consistent meditation routine.

In my experience, very people are looking for the relationship exit. Those that are, you didn’t need them around.

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Flyzeyez@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I don’t know if my comment is going to help or not I just want you to know you’re heard.

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- Baggie@lemmy.zip ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I appreciate it mate
  
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db2@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
People will tell you what they’d do or what works for them. You can get ideas that way but nobody but you can tell you what works for you.

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- Baggie@lemmy.zip ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  For sure, but I’ll take potential avenues of investigation over nothing right now. Appreciate you making sure I’m not going into this with the wrong mindset though
  
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Zwuzelmaus@feddit.org ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
“Hey Doctor, everybody ignores me all the time! What can I do?”

“Next one, please”

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plyth@feddit.org ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Why do you need them to stay?

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Paragone@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

I’m coming at this from a totally different angle, and I’m not asking you to be the same kind of someone as I am, I’m only giving you this for sake of giving you a greater-scope map, so you can better-decide where you want to go, ok?

WHEN one has no honest-acceptance in any others, THEN … there are several directions one can try to go…

one can try to gain belonging, while doing some work on making oneself more-acceptable ( 1/3 or less of one’s effort going into it, aka part-time )
one can try to gain belonging, committing total-immersion, possibly with a job-change, to earn ( in 1/4-1/2y, or more ) enough identity-transformation to become more-belonging with the someones one wants to be belonging with ( realistically, 3y might be required: bootcamp SMASHES identity, & it still has to take 1/4y to do it gradually-enough that it isn’t killing people )
other options I’ve never thought-of
instead of earning having a home in someone-else’s heart, belonging, earn a home in one’s own heart: self-acceptance.

( there is a fundamental-principle that alone isn’t inherently lonely … that is actually just social-conditioning, including all the love-songs, all the stories, movies, advertising, etc.

Few people break the programming, however… )

Another point is that co-dependency is what’s normal, nowadays, but Stephen R. Covey ( 1st, not 2nd or 3rd: apparently they proliferate, when you aren’t watching 'em : ) spoke on interdependency…

I’m not sure if he understood just how independent people have to become, in order to be independently collaborating in inter-dependency…

but it’s turned-out to be real & significant.

People who’re codependent … simply aren’t standing on their own, collaborating autonomously, independently, as capable individuals…

& society’s wired to push codependency, because dependent-populations are more manipulatable, & therefore more easy-prey, if you see…

People who are self-determining … are much tougher to feed-on, for economic-parasites, ideological-parasites, or “pushers” of other kinds…

While nice in theory, that doesn’t help anyone understand how to earn such a transformation, right?

Simple: exactly as the root-guru of the Christians told us, face into karma … essentially, getting-addicted to growing-up!

He phrased it “take up your cross”, but the meaning’s clear.

( what a soul sows, that soul reaps: karma. there’s no escaping his meaning, once one understands that frame-of-reference )

So, what facing-into-karma would work-on-perfecting your greater-meaning?

I’m not asking you to tell me, any reader, I’m asking you to dig, & dig, & dig, until YOU understand what your greater-meaning is…

& once you’ve identified it, then make it ( if you want to ) your mission to get addicted to grinding-through your unconscious-ignorances, getting addicted to the realizations, to the growing-up process, & to the greater-freedom-of-self that that-process earns.

Here’s an orthogonal tip:

What makes a good partner for someone?

Some want a doormat, so their ego can feel “big”.

Boring.

Some want to be pushed by a domineer, until they reach something deep in themselves, that they can’t reach any other way…

Dig this, though:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anima_and_animus

See how what one wants in a partner changes, as one grows-up?

The final condition in that is wanting someone to be collaborating-with, while earning OUR way into realizing-our-souls, together…

A partner, not a use/having relationship.

Can you understand that if someone I treasure hates/despises me because of misunderstanding, or because of harm in them, or because of how wrong I’ve been, or ANY reason, that it’s fine?

So long as they’re being true to themselves, then they’re progressing, & their-progressing makes me happy.

If circumstance ever grants that they value me, fine. If not, that’s fine too.

They aren’t mine.

NO-one is “mine”, except me, see?

Independence, having broken the belonging-drug’s geas, can feel incredible.

& simply treasuring someone, regardless of where they are, or what they feel about one, wishing them well, wishing LivingSpirit to be taking-care-of-them…

it’s good for one, see?

Not as good as absolute-altruism, but I’m not there yet, & that’s fine…

So, all of this is simply to provide you with a greater “map” of the available territory, which the social-programming-management-process won’t ever tell anybody about…

& if you do a good mind-map of your current condition, & a good mind-map of what you want you to become, & you do a good here-to-there-transformations diagram, identifying what steps are required in each dimension, then you can progress more easily…

I’m recommending a very-few utterly-glorious books, for liberating your life from unconscious-dysfunction-habits that we were all programmed into:

Logan, King, & Dr. Fischer-Wright’s book “Tribal Leadership”, on the 5 culture-process levels ( street-gang/mass-shooter is 1, “LIVING IS SELF-INHERENTLY AWESOME” is 5, btw: 2 is the default )…

I’d require all highschoolers to read that, so as to OWN their own live-quality more, & not be so helpless in the social-processing-machine…

Kegan & Lahey’s book “Immunity to Change” which is on the mechanism our unconscious-mind has in it to fight off growing-up ( hence the title ), so as to protect dysfunction … & how to simply get past that dysfunction-protection-racket that we’ve got in us…

Schneider’s book “Lead Right for Your Company’s TYPE” I also recommend, because we’re all applying the wrong processes onto the projects/works that we’re trying to get done, by default, & THAT is obliterating our life-opportunities from our world!

Schneider puts it upside-down ( most authors who have profound-insights do 1 or more things dumb/wrong, in their books… I hope I outgrow that, but … bleah, on that unconscious-mind habit of making-mistakes! it’s quite noticeable in my writing ), putting the pie-in-the-sky Potential on the bottom, & putting the concrete Actuality on the top, of the 2x2 Matrix, but uprighted it’s brilliant what he gave us:

	People-Centric	Task-Centric
Pie-in-the-sky Potential	Quadrant 1. Growing, Learning, Healing school, hospitals, mentoring, life-coaching	Quadrant 2. Science, Discovery, Exploring, Driven-Excellence products/services
Concrete Actuality	Quadrant 3. Consensus, Urban-Planning, Mediation	Quadrant 4. 6-Sigma, command-and-control, Manufacturing

Notice that in an industrial-accident, in a factory, then suddenly we’d be in ALL OTHER quadrants, except Quadrant-4:

( I’m thinking of that video I saw of a German steel-mill, with a giant noodle of brightly-glowing steel filling the plant, setting fire to anything it could, filling the place FAST, as the ur-example of “industrial accident”, for this example )

Quadrant-1 getting the retrieved-casualties as healing as one can…
Quadrant-2 discovering what the hell’s the cause of the messing-everything-up
Quadrant-3 gaining consensus on “it’s been shut-down”, with no people left on the wrong page…

Why would knowing which frames-of-reference are valid for each of those quadrants affect one’s ability to have quality-relationship?

The more-completely one’s work takes care of itself, because one is now solving the right problem ( wisdom: solving the problem quickly is intelligence, but solving the right problem is wisdom, see? ) makes work more effortless, & that makes more of one’s effort be available for relationship!

I don’t understand why people don’t understand that principle better…

Right infrastructure reduces wasted-effort for all who are affected by that infrastructure ( I’m including software, legislation, public-works, community-harmony, everything we live among, rely-on, work-with, etc, as infrastructure ).

So, here’s the links to those 3 books, in case you, or any reader, want to earn greater freedom-of-your-life from frustrations:

www.kobo.com/…/tribal-leadership-revised-edition

www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/immunity-to-change-1

kobo.com/…/lead-right-for-your-company-s-type-1

& no, I’m not an “affiliate” of any book-company, any for-profit operation, & my not-for-profit hasn’t been started yet ( been working on understanding it for decades ), so all this is just-me recommending stuff.

Good books multiply one’s capability!

Oh, that too!

Please also read John Truby’s book “The Anatomy of Genre”, to understand how we program our unconscious-minds with the 14 genres, which genre works-on which dimension-of-our-unconscious-mind, so maybe you can progress quicker in earning YOUR essence & meaning…

www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/the-anatomy-of-genres

He makes 2 ( plus? ) noticeable mistakes in his book, but he’s of US culture, so … those are kinda expected:

the true Archetypal Village isn’t the Wild West Village of the late-1800’s US, rather, it is the Mother Tribal Village, of the entire previous 2-million years, in the tribal lands of the world.

He grew-up with westerns, so … that pushed him into wrong-framing…

the root of humor is the moebius-strip, aka the strange-loop, not the put-down/drop, as US & English cultures have it.

I’d never have clued-in to the truth, but Hofstadter’s GEB identified this back in the last century.

Being walked around in a circle… but now one’s upside-down for some reason??

THAT is the “shape” of humor.

Surprisingly-violated-expectations!

Aside from those 2 botches, that book of Truby’s is massive psychology advantage for anyone wanting to understand what their own unconscious-mind’s working-on, what others are working-on, what one’s culture considers meaningful, etc…

So, anyone who wants to dig-in, enjoy!

All paths are valid, just some are more-efficient, others more-effective, etc.

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danh2os@piefed.social ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I don’t think you can fight it. I made peace with my loneliness and got closer to myself. I went inward.

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