Should I apologize to this person?

Submitted ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨UCIL19841202@lemmy.ca⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

Roughly five years ago I was looking to contact a friend I knew from college. Long story short I didn’t go about it the right way and her parents got mad at me.

Fast forward five years and I feel incredibly remorseful about what I did. I’ve been told I should just forget about the whole ordeal, but the whole situation lives rent-free in my head no matter how hard I try not to think about it. I don’t want to risk disturbing her again, but I also don’t want to pull a Matthew Broderick and never apologize/admit responsibility for a grave mistake. Any thoughts?

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Comments

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yesman@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
If someone cuts contact with you, it’s up to them to reestablish. You don’t need this person’s acknowledgement to deal with your regret.

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- Zwuzelmaus@feddit.org ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  word!
  
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scarabic@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Just ask yourself one question. Are you doing this to soothe your own feelings? It sure sounds like that. So just out away the “I want to do the right thing” bit and recognize that sometimes the right thing to do is nothing.

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- recklessengagement@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Yep - are you apologizing for them, or for yourself?
  
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- UCIL19841202@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  So Matthew Broderick was right to not apologize for killing those two people? And National Day for Truth and Reconciliation is wrong? That’s what I seem to be getting at.
  
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  - scarabic@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    To answer the question of what Matthew Broderick should do, I would need to have some information about what the victims/family want. Do they want an apology and public statement? They should get one. Do they want to be left alone? They should be.
    
    The thing is YOU DO already have this information. They want to be left alone. You want to violate that and contact them to apologize for… contacting them before?
    
    This isn’t hard dude. You aren’t Matthew Broderick. You didn’t kill anyone. You have an unhealthy fascination with this person from the very beginning of your story and you are working VERY hard to convince yourself that exercising it is in fact a moral imperative for you.
    
    It is not. The only thing you can do for these people is leave them alone and digest your own feelings about it. Get therapeutic help, please.
    
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  - JohnnyCanuck@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    
    And National Day for Truth and Reconciliation is wrong?
    
    Holy shit that’s the stupidest thing I’ve read all day. It has nothing to do with your petty personal demons. Go educate yourself and/or delete your account on Lemmy.ca.
    
    Here’s a start: canada.ca/…/national-day-truth-reconciliation.htm…
    
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Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
They’ve already forgotten about it. Don’t remind them.

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- CiderApplenTea@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  They probably haven’t, but bringing it up on your terms, instead of theirs, is adding to the hurt
  
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ada@piefed.blahaj.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
5 years ago, you contacted someone you met when you were both adults, which was presumably years before that? And her parents were mad at you? I'm not sure how her parents opinion on this matters to anyone but her parents?

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forrgott@lemm.ee ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Write it down in a letter. Like, take a piece of paper and pen and physically write down your thoughts on the issue.

Do not send the letter! But forcing yourself to organize your thoughts so you can write it on paper can help you externalize your feelings. And maybe help you find some closure.

You can also burn the paper afterwards, as a kind of ritual to “put it on God’s hands” kinda thing.

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- UCIL19841202@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Not religious in any way whatsoever.
  
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  - forrgott@lemm.ee ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Ok.
    
    I still think the act of comparing and writing a letter can help you sort out your thoughts.
    
    The “religious” part is, well, irrelevant.
    
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Worx@lemmynsfw.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I’m in a similar situation - I badly hurt my best friend from school and we stopped talking. This was over a decade ago. I know from mutual friends that she’s moved away, she’s happy and has children now. Although I really regret how I acted, I think it’s best to just leave it in the past. No need to dredge up old pain for her just so I can feel better for apologising.

Idk if that’s the right answer, but it’s what I’ve chosen.

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Wazowski@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
“Let the dead rest and the past remain the past”.

-Jean-Luc Picard.

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Veedem@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
The whole “long story short” seems to be a key missing piece to determining what you should do.

But also…Did she “yada yada” sex?

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- Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  You can’t yada yada yada sex! That’s the best part! People come for that part of the story! That part of the story is what people came to hear.
  
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  - bigkahuna1986@lemmy.ml ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    
    That’s the best part!
    
    No I mentioned the bisque
    
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jafffacakelemmy@mander.xyz ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
You’ve come here to ask for advice, then systematically argued with everyone who has given you good advice. Guys, stop feeding this troll.

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floo@retrolemmy.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
“ as a surgeon, you should know the dangers of reopening old wounds”

— Adm. James Kirk Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

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- UCIL19841202@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  By that logic if there’s a tumor inside me I should just let it continue growing?
  
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  - Enoril@jlai.lu ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Wrong “logic” here. A tumor is something that threatened life by just being here.
    
    Are you an active threat to this person? If not, move out.
    
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Chainweasel@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Digging it back up will only do more damage, then in a few years you’ll feel terrible about bringing it back up after it was settled.

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- UCIL19841202@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  While the first part makes sense, the whole ordeal was never settled or resolved.
  
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  - madjo@feddit.nl ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    … for you. The whole ordeal was never settled or resolved for you. You don’t know how the other party dealt with the aftermath.
    
    I’d move on, if I were you.
    
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jeffw@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
It’s been 5 years. Let it go

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FeelzGoodMan420@eviltoast.org ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
OP, you’ve given absolutely zero context or specifics here. It is impossible to understand the situation and we can offer zero advice.

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J52@lemmy.nz ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Really quite simple. If you possibly cause additional harm then even the idea of executing an apology is stupid. No?

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XeroxCool@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I can’t tell you which to do. The comments so far seem pretty adamant in saying don’t bring it up. So what I can offer is my experience for having done exactly what you think you want to do. Unfortunately, I don’t have any real feedback from the other side.

I had a girlfriend for most of high school. Things weren’t great, but I didn’t know better. We broke up abruptly somewhat shortly after graduation and I was an asshole without remorse. Both of us dated quickly and ended up marrying our next dates (though several years down the line). A few years after the breakup, I started feeling deeply upset about it probably monthly. I had avoided all the high school group meetups because I felt she was entitled to those friends more. But at that point, I was alone and didn’t have my own friends - just my girlfriend’s. I feel this was part of an overall feeling of failure. Low paying job, untapped career path, living with my parents, college dropout, and alone. I still thought about the high school girlfriend often. Not in a luatful or coveting way, just in a caring way? Is she OK, does she hate me, did I cause long term pain, does her family hate me, etc.

So one day, probably 7 years after the breakup, I messaged her. I said I was sorry for the way I acted and for hurting her. I said I was glad she moved on. It felt long on a phone by FB messenger, but it was probably just 6 sentences.

She said none of what happened mattered. We were kids. We didn’t know better and it wasn’t a serious relationship anyway and that it wasn’t a big deal. She then asked if I was OK. Twice. I think she thought I was at risk of harming myself. That was the end of the conversation.

I imagine appearing out of the blue and going straight to a painful period brought back some pain. It hurt me to hear her say years together weren’t important. I can hypothesize she was lying a little bit, either now to downplay it to me or earlier to herself. I can hypothesize I put depressing thoughts of us into her head for a while. I don’t know what effect I had on her from that moment.

But I stopped thinking about her.

I hate to promote causing your friend pain to release yourself, but I don’t know how else to do it. I can guess that was a symptom of my overall mental health rather than the cause of my pain in that time period. So before you do this to free yourself, I ask, are you feeling OK otherwise? Are you dwelling on other mistakes? Are you content with your trajectory?

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Chainweasel@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Why come here to ask if you should do it, then argue with every single person who tells you it’s a bad idea?
It seems like you made up your mind that you’re going to do it anyway but you needed someone to pat you on the back and tell you you’re doing the right thing.
If you really need someone to stroke your ego that badly and reinforce your terrible decision, then deep down you must know it’s the wrong thing to do, but if you could just get one person to tell you you’re in the right then maybe it’ll all work out.
Well here you go:

Go for it buddy, do your thing.

I’ll be waiting for the follow up post about how it went the same way, or possible worse than, it did the first time.

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ILoveDurians@lemmy.cafe ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Personally, I wouldn’t risk it. It could cause arguments or cause you to feel worse. I’d just let it go tbh :|

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- UCIL19841202@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Easier said than done.
  
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NegentropicBoy@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Is your name Earl?

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con_fig@programming.dev ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Girl, no

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lordnikon@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
The answer to this could be just write a letter like a real one on paper. Say your peace, send it and if they reach out after great. If they throw it in the trash, well you made the effort and can put it behind you.

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A_norny_mousse@feddit.org ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
“It’s better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven’t done”

Something similar once happened to me, and I tried to contact her almost 10 years later, wanting to apologize, but never got an answer. She probably thought I was being creepy. I still have mixed feelings about this.

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PP_BOY_@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Sounds like its story time

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