Lost_My_Mind

@Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨how good are you at lying during job interviews?⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago⁩:

  Look man. I don’t know what to tell you. I was the president of the USA from 2032-2040. I’m also a time traveler here to warn you about this crazy pandemic that happens in 2020. Look, it won’t make sense until it happens. Everybody is going to wear masks, there’s murder hornets that turn out to be no big deal, there’s a shortage of toilet paper. It’s a whole thing that shuts down the whole planet. Point is, people thought after 3 years it was over. Turns out, it makes people go batshit insane. They elect a guy who before campaign season even starts is already convicted 34 times, but never sent to prison. He turns out to be a legit fascist and a throwback to nazism in the 1930s. And people just accept this because their brains are rotted.

  Point is, I’m here from the future. Sooooooo, can I have like $500,000?

  What?

  Oh, shit. Thats right. The second great depression hasn’t happened yet.

  Can I have $5.00?

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨What age gap is too big of an age gap if someone's in their early 30's?⁩ ⁨⁨20⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago⁩:

  I’m 100 years old! Gonna get me a niiiiiiice 19 year old!

  What? I don’t give a shit about your little dating rules. I’m 100! I’m gonna get my dick wet using money that won’t be usable in 2 years!

  Now then. Who wants to feed me 30 viagra, and get anally pounded for $20,000? Lets get real weird with it!

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨makes more sense than this shit⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  Well…nazis dying is THE RIGHT THING TO DO!

  And I capitolize it, because it needs to be said, it needs to be heard, and it needs to be agreed on by everybody.

  And if you’re thinking that everybody does agree that nazis are bad, then why are we seeing a resurgence?

  Kill all the nazis I say!

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Let's hear it, little lemmings.⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  Maybe Hawkings wheelchair battery died, and you are at the bus stop. What’s he going to do? Say no? See, he would never say no…because of the implication.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Evolution: 🖕⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  This is just the first step towards making Dr Octopuss a reality. AND WE DON’T HAVE SPIDERMAN TO SAVE US!!!

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨An apple a day keeps the doctors away!⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  Damn dude. I never thought of using an apple as an instrument of murder…

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Sony makes the “difficult decision” to raise PlayStation 5 prices in the US⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  I’ve been gaming since 1985 whenI was 2 years old.

  I cannot for the life of me remember a situation where 5 years after a console releases, they RAISE the price. And its not even like “New PS5 pro edition + knuckles”.

  This is just “It’s the PS5. Pay us more money, assholes! Same shit as before. Now with more cost! Kiss the taint, peasants!”

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨I knew I should have cancelled the order 😑⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  On the base of the statue of liberty is a plaque that reads:

  Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame, With conquering limbs astride from land to land; Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

  “Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

  What that plaque should instead say, is…

  Capitalism is like a cancer that invades, infects and destroys everything it touches. When you think it about the definitions for successful capitalism and cancer are exactly the same … runaway, unrestricted and unlimited growth is the goal.

  Along with something welcoming immagrants to a land where immagrants are hated, and treated as less than second class citizens in a land filled with racism and hate.

  I’m not saying I support or agree with these ideas. I’m just saying if we’re going to put a plaque on a symbol of our nation, it should at least be honest.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Can you dear lemmings help me undo my cat's latest keyboard shortcut?⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  Have you tried putting down the technology and just petting the cat for hours?

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Now I finally get it⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  So there I was. Barbeque sauce on my titties.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Now I finally get it⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  Damn…I’m always low.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨If I stood on a precision scale and farted, would I get lighter or heavier?⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  This is like what would happen if Bill Nye needed to worry about sweeps.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨When Americans Fly Economy, They're Actually Paying for Someone Else to Fly Private⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  Have you ever seen a ducks penis? Just be glad whatever genitals you have isn’t a ducks penis. It’s so fucked up that they don’t even GET a bathroom. They just pee in the drinking water. They pee in lakes. Ponds. Your bathtub. They pee anywhere they want, any time they want.

  Thats why they all hang out at parks, and the government doesn’t stop them. Think about it man. You don’t see lions and tigers and bears at the park…because Disney owns the rights to The Wizard of Oz. So you can’t see those animals for free! They gotta get locked up in jail and then they call it a zoo, and charge you $22.50 per adult, and $12 per child under 12. Except on Mondays where it’s free if you’re a local resident of the county.

  But they don’t do that with ducks. You know what else Disney owns? The Mighty Ducks. Darkwing Duck.

  And NOBODY is paying money to see those properties. So they don’t arrest the ducks, because theres no profit there. Follow the money. It all leads back to those crazy duck penis’s, and nobody wants to admit that Howard the Duck is officially a Marvel character, living in the same MCU as Spiderman, and Ironman, and the X-Men.

  THATS why ducks don’t have bathrooms, while humans fight over things like trans athletes being allowed to play sports in college, and throwing green dildos at female basketball players to promote cryptocurrencies.

  We live in the dumbest timeline.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Why is the abusive parent always portrayed as being the father, why is the mother never portrayed as abusive?⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  Ok. You named a handful of examples. I’m sure there’s a handfull more.

  But I could literally reach the character limit if I attempted to show all the examples of men in media being the abuser.

  So you aren’t wrong per se. But you are still missing the point.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Posting in honor of my nieces back to school week 😆⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Your username makes this suspicious

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Does putting clothes in the closet protect them from dust, or is the dust in there too?⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Change it daily! BE A CONSUMER!!! SPEND YOUR MONEY PEASANT!!!

  …am I doing it? Am I being a rich person now?

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Does putting clothes in the closet protect them from dust, or is the dust in there too?⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Inside my body must be very dusty, because I’m dead inside.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Player Spends $32,000 on NBA 2K25 in Just Five Months⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  This question no longer needs to be asked.

  No. No he’s not.

  Nobody is winning anymore.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨I resigned to my last job and now I need to talk to my former boss to get the job back. Any recommendations?⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Oh, so you’re a lawyer who needs the approval of another lawyer, but beyond that you’re welcome back with open arms?

  Ok. I got this.

  Just buy that one lawyer a ticket to Jurassic Park. Really hype up the T-Rex exhibit.

  Problem solved.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨AOL will end dial-up internet service in September, 34 years after it's debut — AOL Shield Browser and AOL Dialer software will be shuttered on the same day⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Old people everywhere:

  “Why is there an extra $19.99 in my account every month?”

  I’m 100% certain that’s why AOL dialup still “existed”. Just charging old people for a service that doesn’t get used. And now so many people have fallen off over the years that it’s no longer profitable to keep the “service” going.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Bill and Melinda French Gates and Warren Buffett’s Giving Pledge after 15 years: Only 9 of the 256 billionaires actually followed through on giving away half their wealth⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Ruh roh!

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨My earphones' cable has been oozing sticky goo for over a yer now⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  "If I had a nickle everytime someone wanted me to lick unidentified goo from someone, I’d have 10 nickles and a weird aftertaste.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨My earphones' cable has been oozing sticky goo for over a yer now⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Skrillex actually.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨What is the maximum number of potatoes you could grow in your house or on property you own before it becomes a crime?⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Hey man…if I pay for a haircut, I EXPECT a quality haircut!

  If the police mishandle a situation, and kill like 3 guys…who cares? Not MY money! Fuck em!

  (Yes, this entire reply is posted with the HEAVIEST of sarcasm!)

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Why is land/sky so cleanly split between mammals/birds?⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  He looks like he’s sick of my shit, and it’s not even 6am yet!

  But I ask you, who does he think he’s giving those glaring eyes??? Who??? Who??? Who??? Who???

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨What is the maximum number of potatoes you could grow in your house or on property you own before it becomes a crime?⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Look man. You’re not getting it, ok?

  You’re thinking in terms of “Marijuanna is illegal, and potatoes are legal, therefore I can do whatever I want, and the cops can’t stop me.”

  Except here’s how things really work. Do you exist? Yeah? Well then the cops don’t give a FUUUUUCK about your rights, the law, or your life. You could die in their care. They don’t give a shit.

  They smash peoples doors down, and shoot the homeowners. Later to find out they weren’t even on the right STREET!

  It doesn’t matter that your acts are legal. Police are like what would happen if you mixed a bear, with a raccoon, with a chihuahua, with a fascist asshole.

  So…you still want to draw their attention just to point out legality?

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Citing “market conditions,” Nintendo hikes prices of original Switch consoles⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  The new one is one of the best selling consoles of all time.

  I saw one in the wild before I ever saw any marketing material for it. Unless you count youtube videos, including the direct.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨GOG’s Freedom To Buy Campaign Gives Away Controversial Games For Free To Protest Censorship⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  The grumps are also featured in the game now.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨GOG’s Freedom To Buy Campaign Gives Away Controversial Games For Free To Protest Censorship⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  I am the gayest gay who ever was a gay.

  I feel like this is going to be a trivia question.

  “Who was the gayest gay who ever was a gay?”

  “JohnVanDenver?”

  “No, I’m sorry, the answer is JimVanDeventer.”

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨GOG’s Freedom To Buy Campaign Gives Away Controversial Games For Free To Protest Censorship⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  This is the rare case where at no point was a clear coherent statement ever made, and yet everybody knew exactly what your frustrated ranting mumbles meant.