how do I become the dullest, most boring coworker so this needy man leaves me alone?

Submitted ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨sailordaking@ani.social⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

I work with a needy man, the kind of person who needs constant attention and feels threatened by silence. If I choose to read something on my phone instead of giving him attention he asks if everything’s all right. If I choose to meditate, adopting a yoga like position and closing my eyes before working he asks the same. It’s like he needs people talking to him constantly.

I am the opposite, I believe: I don’t talk about my life at work, I go there because I need a paycheck, but I’m open to learn from more knowledgeable colleagues, something he clearly is not.

What I’ve done so far: avoiding him, not looking him in the eye when he wants to talk to me, telling him that I’m working when he wants to talk to me, giving dull answers, feigning ignorance about several topics, ignoring him when I’m talking to another person and he asks what we’re talking about.

He still comes and sits next to me and tells me about his family, something I don’t care about.

I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.

Why am I like this?

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Comments

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Rooty@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
“I am focused on task x and cannot talk to you”. Does he have a job to do or is he just there to pester people with smalltalk.

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jbrains@sh.itjust.works ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
You’re not responsible for meeting this man’s needs. You don’t need to trick him. “Please leave me alone.” If he does not do this simple thing, then you have not committed any offence and you can train yourself not to feel bad about it. You already meditate, so you might make your tendency to feel bad about this into a object of meditation.

Unfortunately, you can’t control his behavior. He might still try to sit down next to you and talk to you about things that don’t interest you. I don’t know what more you can do than ask him to stop doing this and hope he complies. “Please stop doing this. I’m just not interested. I prefer to be alone.” It is compassionate to say nothing more than this.

As for why you’re like this, that’s very likely because someone taught to you to care about other people’s feelings and didn’t teach you that their feelings are not your fault. This seems pretty common.

The stories you tell yourself about why he does this and the stories you tell yourself to explain your own behavior… they probably don’t help you much, do they?

Peace.

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bear@lemmynsfw.com ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
I’d recommend practicing being direct, polite, and consistent. In the end you can’t control his actions but you can control yours. If you need help then get help from a capable coworker or manager. Don’t waste any time or energy feeling bad about it.

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Dasus@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.

So instead you’ll like youre ruder than you are, hoping he will eventually get it.

You don’t think weeks of having to do this is making you feel worse than perhaps one night of feeling a bit sorry after telling him straight on?

And I know he will appreciate it eventually if the direct reaction isn’t such. You will finally make sense to him. If you’re being rude, ignoring him, why don’t you understand that might make him want to bring you to a normal level of social contact. That he feels he’s done something wrong by just being a chatty person.

Maybe just tell him you’re sorry but you’re not as chatty as him and would like to focus.

And yes, I have also done that to a worker. Told her I’m there to work, not to make friends. Kinda cold? I don’t think so. Colleagues, not friends. Co-employees can be friends but don’t need to.

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PriorityMotif@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
!dull_mens_club@lemmy.world

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dan1101@lemm.ee ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Short phrases like “I can’t talk, I’m working” and “I don’t really want to talk thanks.”

Then ignore them until they leave.

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Boiglenoight@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Everyone’s different, you sound like you may loathe this person, but regardless work is not recreation. If needless social interactions are impacting your ability to work, consider talking to your supervisor. Speaking directly to your coworker may offend, exacerbating the issue for you. Give your supervisor an opportunity to resolve it, who should have more experience and/or training in dealing with conflict.

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lurch@sh.itjust.works ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
first you tell him you don’t like to exchange more than a few sentences per person. then you tell him, he exceeded his limit for years, so you will not talk to him any more, except if it’s a real business matter. then you don’t reply, unless it’s a real business matter, for the next few years.

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Shardikprime@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Holy shit, this is the very same people that later will tell you about how they will “eat the rich” and “deny, despise , defenestrate” (or whatever) every CEO they encounter.

All the meanwhile being incredibly socially stunted and so utterly incapable of even being direct with someone and talking over a perceived issue at work, one of the safest environments they’ll have access to for human interactions.

Totally unhinged, dissociative and disconnected from reality behavior.

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- Worx@lemmynsfw.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Wait, what makes you think OP is any of these things? Are you just projecting your political views you don’t like onto people you don’t like?
  
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Coskii@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
The easy way: one word answers to everything. This can include just saying yup or nope to every response. I am the kind of person to lean in on obnoxious responses while very much not paying attention.

The hard way: get HR involved. Inappropriate attempts to get close to you count.

Example of solution 1: youtube.com/shorts/KdmMiZqskzc?si=AxAqzBSU3nYYvOS…

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hendrik@palaver.p3x.de ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Well, sometimes people just don't ever get it and they need to be told to fuck off in very blunt words. I think that usually poisons the well and dries up further conversation. But I'm not sure if this is the case here. And that strategy comes with possibly other severe consequences. So I won't recommend it.

Another strategy would be to have someone else talk to them... You yourself seem to be getting nowhere. But maybe he listens to other people, or they're somehow more gifted to get through to people like him.

What also sometimes works (depending on circumstances) are large headphones. They might be part of your work anyways, if you're doing online-meetings in the office, or you are allowed to listen to music... Either do that and you can't hear him anyways, or just put them on all day and say "Huh?" 200 times a day and see if he picks up on it. Though, this might not work if he's stupid, as well. Or he might start tapping you on the shoulder and invade your privacy even more... Idk. But headphones have worked for me in various situations. Especially if they're big and noticeable.

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olafurp@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Seems like you tried all the regular tricks in the book. Try telling your manager or HR and see if they can do something about it. You want to work and the company does alse but this guy clearly doesn’t.

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Jarix@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
I dont have an answer for you sorry, but i might be able to point you somewhere you might find inspiration to find your own answer

If there is a lemmy equivalent of the subreddits maliciouscompliance, pettyrevenge, prorevenge, or nuclearrevenge or you are willing to go look at the originals, theres a lot of stories that are entertaining and will be a mine of ideas

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CuddlyCassowary@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
There’s something called “The Grey Rock Method” you may want to check out. This link is just from a quick search, there may be better sources out there:

psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method

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- fine_sandy_bottom@lemmy.federate.cc ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  This is what OP has been doing.
  
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jack_x@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Offend him, who the fuck cares. Dude obviously doesn’t give a shit about your time and energy, or boundaries. He doesn’t respect you, so he deserves no respect in return.

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TranquilTurbulence@lemmy.zip ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Fight fire with fire. Figure out which topic he doesn’t care about, and start talking about it all the time. Like, literally all the time you see him.

Could be a new hobby like flying a kite or an obscure interest like the history green colors used in the textile industry. Ideally, you would pick something you can imagine yourself being passionate about. Look up some videos on how autistic people talk about their favorite topic, and you’ll get the idea.

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kandykarter@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Just tell Brendan to shut up.

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cmoney@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Whenever he asks you something start off by staring at him with a blank emotionless stare for an uncomfortable amount of time, (20 or 30 seconds or so) tilting your head from side to side while you make eye contact with him and finally give him a simple one word response. If he continues talking keep direct eye contact and start making confused expressions on your face (like why are you still talking to me) then do everything you can to make the situation as awkward as possible. If he starts talking about himself or family or whatever make sure you interrupt him as much as possible even talking over him if necessary. Make up a weird uncomfortable story or start rambling on about some wild conspiracy like birds aren’t real, the illuminati are controlling people’s minds or maybe see if he’ll come with you to a scientology seminar, the weirder the better.

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southsamurai@sh.itjust.works ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Have you tried gushing?

Not just responding, and having a busy conversation, but just not stopping, even interrupting him.

It wouldn’t be my first choice, I prefer direct honesty, but you already tried telling him you’re working.

You could try even more directly saying that you don’t want to talk casually at work, but that requires not doing so with anyone, or you might as well just tell him you don’t like him and be done with it that way. Which is an option. He is someone you don’t like, but I assume you’re wanting to avoid that because it’s work, so that’s the absolute last option.

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HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Are you lactose intolerant? Can you fighter or the ideal amount of milk to drink such that you get the death toots but not the vanilla sharts? Next time he stops by, send him a stinky. A really foul one.

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BearOfaTime@lemm.ee ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
“Excuse me”?

“Pardon”?

Blank look. Shrug, turn around, go back to reading.

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