Do you actually care about your friend's new baby, vacation abroad or similar life events or are you just being nice?

Submitted ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨ContrarianTrail@lemm.ee⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

Because I don’t, and pretending to feels dishonest. I’ll listen if they want to talk about it, but I’m not going to act interested, and I certainly won’t ask about it on my own. What I’m trying to figure out is whether people actually care, or if they’re just playing a social game that I’m simply not interested in.

I’m probably on the autistic spectrum, which likely explains this to some extent. But that’s not an excuse - being an asshole is perfectly compatible with autism, so before dunking on me, please realize I probably agree with your criticism.

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Mouselemming@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Even if you don’t care, it’s probably a good idea to at least pay attention to the announcement of a new baby, because this is a new person, who will be a significant influence on their life and may have some impact on your own. It’s considered polite to at least ask "and how’s (name of spouse) and (name of child or children, or you can say “the kids”). One isn’t expected to remember every detail, but at least acknowledge they exist.

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LordWiggle@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
I do care about the life of my friends. I’m autistic too. I love to hear their stories. Although there are some which I do not care about. Like their kids. I don’t like them, I don’t want to see pictures, I couldn’t care less about whatever dumb, funny or smart thing they did. And I tell them. “Hey dude, nice you have a kid but it’s not for me.” same goes for football or formula 1. You can talk to me about it, but I’ll just be thinking about fun stuff and won’t hear a thing you said.

I prefer to talk to people and hear their stories when it’s something I’m interested in. It generally helps to ask about those things, stimulating them to talk about something you actually like. But sometimes people just need to vent stuff and it’s good to listen, even though it doesn’t really interest you. But giving them a moment for it makes them feel good. But instead of acting like you like it so they will continue to talk about it, after giving them their moment for a bit, change the subject to something you like. At least that works for me. And now my friends know what I’m interested in, and likewise, so we know what we can talk about and do so neither of us gets bored.

For instance, some like to squash. I don’t. Some also like to play boardgames, like me. They don’t ask me to join them for squash, but they do ask me to play a boardgame. Some of my friends talk about football but they know I hate it so they talk about world domination to me instead (/jk).

If you have no common ground with someone, I don’t understand how you can be friends. Everything in the relationship you have with someone would be fake. But if there is common ground, you should focus on that and be honest about what that is for you. Friends become better friends when they know the real you and accept you for who you are. If not, they are bad friends.

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Sam_Bass@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
for the duration of our contact i am concerned for their well being. beyond that thry usually spend less time in my mind than the current rerun of grimm

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johannesvanderwhales@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Kids? Not really. But if I didn’t care about stuff in their life then I don’t think we’re really friends.

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Feathercrown@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
I’m also fascinated to know this

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- Anticorp@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Then read the replies.
  
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  - Feathercrown@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    Bruh
    
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HobbitFoot@thelemmy.club ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Babies and children, no. I mainly care if those kids are sick as children being sick affect the well-being of who I’m talking to.

I like to discuss vacations and I’ll usually ask more in depth questions about travel since I like to travel.

That said, there is usually something beneficial to social cohesion where you care enough about people that you more than just name and role. I’ve found that it is generally a lot more miserable to work in an environment where everyone is a cog in a machine.

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Fleppensteijn@feddit.nl ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Sure, I was always interested to see where everyone was traveling. That’s what I had Facebook for until it turned to shit.

I don’t have to hear anything about babies though.

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Acamon@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
It depends. Mostly I care, a new baby is a big deal, I think about how it will affect them, what the child might be like, the fact that I will probably still be spending time with that child in ten years.

Holidays I care if they’re interesting. If someone goes somewhere I’ve always wanted to go I might have questions, if they’ve been somewhere I’ve been I might chat about what I liked. But when people try to tell you a detailed recount of some trip, it can be very boring. My parents are particularly bad at reminiscing together while notionally telling me, so they keep going “where was it we ate the second day? No that was the other place” it’s awful. But it’s a chance for them to feel happy about their holiday again, so I try to be patient, and I remember how many times my parents pretended to be interested as I explained how I was doing at some computer game or whatever.

But to answer your question, it sounds like you care less than most. But everyone cares less than the people who’s life event it is. There’s lots of scenes in comedies about people hating hearing about new babies, or being forced to look at holiday photos. So you’re not alone!

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trxxruraxvr@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Depends on the event. I dont care for babies, but I’m happy for them if they go on a nice vacation and I might consider their destination for myself if they recommend it.

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jaggedrobotpubes@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
That culture-wide, near impossible to appeal level of stuff you must care about or be an asshole is just the worst. You really lose something critical when you pretend, and everybody seems to be in a conspiracy to bust your hump if you don’t play along.

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Mango@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
I AM nice, so I generally hope the people around me are having a good time, but that’s not really much to think about so I’m generally thinking about anything else.

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scarabic@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Trust me, parents know that not everyone cares about babies. But those who do sometimes care a LOT. My parents live hundreds of miles away from their grandchildren and love to see even small updates about them. Same with many cousins, aunties, and faraway friends. I don’t need you to be interested. I understand if you are not. What I don’t understand is why we can’t just coexist on this. Every so often I need to listen to a post like this declaring how much you don’t care about babies and kids. Does this make you feel better or something? Everyone was a baby once. Everyone had a parent. Can we just allow that this is a normal part of life and not some bizarre niche interest that’s getting shoved in your face out of the blue? Damn. /rant

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jjjalljs@ttrpg.network ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Depends a lot on the details and execution.

Some friends can tell a good story about having a beer anywhere. Other folks would make meeting (some well liked celebrity) tedious.

I’m a little too deep into the “I had an onion on my belt” side of things, so I try to be patient with other people’s meanderings.

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Rentlar@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
I usually like to hear about people’s travels to xyz. I find it less interesting to know about who had a baby, who’s engaged with whom etc. but baby pictures are kinda cute. Usually though the purpose of hearing people talk about there trip is to tell another mutual friend/family member that “person abc went to country xyz” or “had a baby with xyz”. It can drag on after a while so when some anecdote goes on too long I try to fast forward towards the end of the trip or ask “did you bring anything back?” As the last question before changing the subject.

I like telling anyone who’s interested about train stuff, and I’ll share my travels in conversation, but I try to limit it to showing one or two pictures/videos off my phone.

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ultrahamster64@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
I like when people tell me about good things they had, awesome stuff they experienced etc etc because for me their happiness and enthusiasm is contagious. If my friends are happy and sharing it with me, my mood also goes up. Maybe it’s because hearing about good things gets your brain into thinking/remembering good things, or maybe it’s just good to see your friends in high spirits and enthusiastic about something, I do not know.

But as the old saying goes, shared joy is a doubled joy, shared sorrow is a halfed sorrow

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bear@lemmynsfw.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Depends on the friend. Some really do care and others are being polite and we may not always know the difference. Attitudes can change as well.

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PlzGivHugs@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
I definately care some, although not enough that I want to sit through a photo slideshow or that. That said, if its just daily photos to a family group chat, or listening to them talk about a particular trip highlight, then I certainly enjoy it.

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NastyNative@mander.xyz ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Im generally happy when good things happen to my friends. What you learn in the long run is to keep those things to your self. When we go on vacation only my close family knows. Any big steps in life are better taken alone and then celebrated after.

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Tedesche@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
I care about my friends’ babies, but that’s mostly because I get to interact with them. The rest is mostly just politeness.

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boreengreen@lemm.ee ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
If i have somewhere else to be or am short on time, then yea, i cant wait for them to finish telling me whatever they are telling me. Otherwise i can usually challange them with some questions or Insights, to create a two way conversation. Sure, if the person is someone i dont know well, ill usually not ask questions, and i am indeed not interested.

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hddsx@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
youtu.be/LbTB3ASkdOo

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bstix@feddit.dk ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
It gets easier to ask relevant questions when you have some experience in those things.

Regarding vacations, I like to ask about the nature of sights in the area. I’m not interested in what food was in the buffet or how many pools were at the hotel, but I would like to know if the area has anything of interest.

For people having babies, I like to ask questions about how they’re going to handle it, just to check if they are on top of the situation or if they need help with anything.

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- ContrarianTrail@lemm.ee ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Yeah, but this is what troubles me. It’s not that I don’t know what’s expected of me in these situations—I know how to play the game. I’m just not interested in it.
  
  I do try to think about whether there’s anything even remotely interesting about what’s happened to them, and if so, I’ll ask about that. But in many cases, there’s not. Unless their vacation was to a place like North Korea, the most interesting part to me is what kind of plane they flew on and whether they found the baggage carousel mesmerizing.
  
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  - bstix@feddit.dk ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    Well I mean, I am interested in knowing the things I ask. It’s not just politeness.
    
    Vacations are expensive. I appreciate any first hand information on places that I might potentially go to.
    
    I already have kids, so my interest is mainly in sharing my own experiences to anyone willing to listen.
    
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