Comment on Anon asks out a girl

• lvxferre@mander.xyz ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  What he says boils down to “I was eavesdropping your conversation, and I assume you’re desperate. You might as well lower your standards — date someone random you have no connections with, like me.” It’s bad; not bad enough to deserve that rude reply, but still bad.

  A better approach would be to try to pick up a woman who’s alone, offer her a drink*, chitchat a bit, and then ask her for a date. With no references to what she said to other people. Creating some connection between him and her, before he asks her out.

  *always ask the bar workers to bring it. Don’t bring it yourself.

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  • ronigami@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨minute⁩ ago

    This is stupid and you should feel bad.

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  • Saapas@piefed.zip ⁨41⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago

    That’s damn many assumptions

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    • lvxferre@mander.xyz ⁨30⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago

      Not really assumptions, but how it sounds like, in the context of a social setting. Or, if you want: that’s how people “read” it.

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      • Saapas@piefed.zip ⁨25⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago

        I feel like reading into it would be a better way to put it. Though not sure how different that is from assuming things

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  • KoboldCoterie@pawb.social ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    A better approach would be to try to pick up a woman who’s alone, offer her a drink*,

    A bit of a tangent, but I really hate this. Not meaning to call you out, this is a really common recommendation for an icebreaker and it’s also reinforced by popular media and the like, but it always feels to me like the implication is that if a man wants to approach a woman, they must buy something for them as part of that process. Like it’s a transaction fee to be given a chance.

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    • TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      i date actively.

      most women expect you to pay your way into their company. in my city they had a poll, 80% of women expected a man to pay for a nice (expensive) first date otherwise he wasn’t worth dating.

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      • zalgotext@sh.itjust.works ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        Do you think it’s purely just sexism, or do you think it maybe has something to do with the strategy women must employ to protect themselves from being assaulted by strangers?

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    • frog_brawler@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      I agree, but the location was a bar. Kinda normal at a bar.

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    • Ibuthyr@feddit.org ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Yeah, I think the way it was handled in the greentext was way more natural and sincere. No idea why it’s considered creepy. Buying some random woman a drink is just cringy.

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    • lvxferre@mander.xyz ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      I get your reasoning, but personally I never interpreted it as a transaction fee. It’s more like a token of good will; I do something similar when I find friends in a bar, too.

      The main gender problematic I see is:

      1. If a woman approaches a man with a drink, society immediately labels both sides as bad.
      2. In some cases she’d be better off approaching a bear, but she won’t know it until it’s too late.

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      • KoboldCoterie@pawb.social ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        In some cases she’d be better off approaching a bear, but she won’t know it until it’s too late.

        Sometimes he’d be better off approaching a bear, too, and also won’t know it until it’s too late. This isn’t a gender thing, this is just a “some people are shitty” thing.

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  • frog_brawler@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    It’s not eavesdropping. They were having a public conversation at a fucking bar - a place where plenty of people go in attempts to meet new people… If it was a private convo (one that can be eavesdropped on) that’s different. If it was a private conversation, they shouldn’t have been at a location where it’s normal to try flirting with strangers.

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    • lvxferre@mander.xyz ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Paying too much attention on the others’ conversations, even in a public environment, is creepy.

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      • frog_brawler@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        If someone is sitting by themselves at a bar, it should be assumed they’re listening to everything around them unless they’re wearing earbuds. Have some general awareness of reality.

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  • lightnsfw@reddthat.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Can’t think of a time where I’ve ever seen a woman at a bar alone.

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    • lvxferre@mander.xyz ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      I’ve seen it plenty, plenty times. Because I was looking for it. That was my “plan A” strategy when I still bothered dating; it works great as long as you know to be assertive without being pushy. (Some people want to be left alone, some only want to chitchat, both things are fine and you should respect that.)

      My “plan B” was relying on connections, but that relies on luck. For example:

      • you go to the bar with A
      • A is acquainted with B, who’s drinking with C
      • You say “hey, what if we all drink together?”

      Then you have some room to at least know B and/or C better. And potentially ask one of them out.

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      • lightnsfw@reddthat.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago

        Must be different bars. I see groups of women out but can’t recall any individuals. Plan b has pretty much been my entire strategy my whole life. Just being in places with women and being nice, funny, and non-threatening got me in with a bunch of different groups. Not always a date but they would vouch for me.

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  • Fizz@lemmy.nz ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Nah its not creepy. Its perfectly fine to ask her out like that she just didnt want it and rejected him in a bit of an over the top way.

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    • treesapx@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      “I’ve been listening to your conversation” is not a good way to start. There are some exceptions, but even then you’re starting on thin ice and have to ease into it.

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      • Rekorse@sh.itjust.works ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        You shouldnt have to rehearse the perfect line that is impossible to be offended by just to talk to a stranger. We aren’t robots. We dont always hit 100% of the time. We stumble and overextend. Expectations have gotten out of hand.

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      • snooggums@piefed.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        "I couldn't help but hear your drunken rantings."

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      • frog_brawler@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        I couldn’t help but overhear you and your loud as fuck m, half-drunk friends….

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    • lvxferre@mander.xyz ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Asking her out would be fine; the problem, as I already explained, is how. However I do agree with you that her answer was over the top; a simple “No.” would be the best.

      Whole thing is no issue.

      It was clearly an issue to the Anon, check the last paragraph.

      If you are gonna randomly strike up conversations you will get cooked sometimes.

      He wasn’t just striking up a conversation.

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      Additionally (and that’s neither side’s fault), mob mentality is a plague. She was in a group of four people; people typically behave worse in groups than alone.

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  • uncouple9831@lemmy.zip ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    As opposed to all of the dating people you have connections with that happens all the time these days?

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    • lvxferre@mander.xyz ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      If you’re trying to say something like “you have connections, unlike all of the dating people”: that is not what I said. Everybody has at least some connections; it’s all about how you use them to know more people.

      If you mean something else, please explain - I’m genuinely struggling to parse your sentence.

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      • uncouple9831@lemmy.zip ⁨48⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago

        That’s fair it’s a confusing sentence. My point is that in the modern era more people date people they don’t know on tingerbee vs people they know, so not having a connection isn’t disqualifying.

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• frog_brawler@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Because he spoke to a stranger that didn’t want him to speak to them.

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  • lvxferre@mander.xyz ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Because he spoke to a stranger that didn’t want him to speak to them.

    Don’t be disingenuous. That is not even remotely close to what I said.

    Not bothering further with you.

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    • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      I guess this means the date’s off and you’re going to die alone?

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    • frog_brawler@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      I don’t know what you said. My response was general.

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