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It sounds like your wife is in deep grief. MS is torment, and she might be processing that grief for the rest of her life. She may not have space for a romance at all. That may never change. Sometimes, MS doesn’t let you get “back to normal”.
It is deeply crucial that you get everyone to counseling now, and not just individually but in spouse and group sessions. As much as you can afford. You have already started a new dynamic and grieving your old one is natural. But you can still support each other and it’s important to do the work and figure out what that looks like.
Partnerships can be loving and supportive and caring and not romantic. Sometimes it’s a phase that comes back to romance, sometimes not. But you need to be ready to relearn a lot of things and that starts with counseling.
andrewta@lemmy.world 1 year ago
Therapy for you to figure out if you should even stay in the marriage, then therapy to help you through what ever you decide to do.
Mediocre_Bard@lemmy.world 1 year ago
owenfromcanada@lemmy.world 1 year ago
It’s definitely scary to dive into this, but try to remember: whatever the results of therapy, you’ll almost certainly be better for it on the other side. And your daughter will most likely be better off–because her parents will be in a better place, and because you’ll be setting a good example for her when she grows up and faces challenges.
MerrySkeptic@sh.itjust.works 1 year ago
A therapist shouldn’t tell you what to do, just provide a safe space to explore your feelings, work through all the relevant questions you can think of, and maybe help brainstorm if you can’t come up with your own options.
Your wife and daughter’s situations are relevant, but so is yours. If your wife isn’t in love either but neither of you want to divorce, it sounds like your options are to either work on repairing and rekindling the marriage within the constraints of her diagnoses, or mutual agreement to keep the marriage going for now but see other people. Both are full of challenges and risks. If she’s not ok with either of those, then you may have to make a decision for yourself.
thisNotMyName@lemmy.world 1 year ago
I can tell you from my own experience, you don’t do the child a favor by sticking to a broken relationship, I wished my parents have broken up earlier instead of pretending everything is good and that’s how a normal relationship should be. It took me years and I sometimes still struggle today to draw a line and go into a conflict with my partner to figure things out instead of avoiding the conflict
gravitas_deficiency@sh.itjust.works 1 year ago
It’s important to know that, despite her youth, your daughter might be picking up more of what’s going on than either of you are intending to give her. Whatever you end up doing, having a real conversation about what’s going on is probably going to be beneficial.
Azzu@lemm.ee 1 year ago
The only thing therapy is supposed to do is allow you to be happy/content with your decisions. It doesn’t suddenly make you stop caring about your wife or your daughter. It should allow you to find the best decisions. You’re still your own person with your own decisions that nothing will take from you.
If you don’t want to end the marriage, then therapy will never mean you’ll suddenly want to end your marriage.
RagnarokOnline@programming.dev 1 year ago
It is definitely scary. I want to remind you that you were once a decently happy person and that therapy (both individual and couples therapy) is likely one of the few options you have to move back in that direction.
It’s worth it (speaking from experience). That weight on your shoulders is just waiting to come off, but you likely need a bit of help to get things started.
“hire good private teachers, and accept the resulting costs as money well-spent.” - Marcus Aurelius
TheRealKuni@lemmy.world 1 year ago
I feel you on this fear, but that fear can be aired in therapy. Therapy is ENORMOUSLY helpful. And, not to play the What-If game, could potentially have salvaged your romantic relationship had it been brought in earlier. (I do not say this to make you feel shitty, but so anyone else struggling may see it.)
My wife and I started therapy at the first of our communication problems. We figured we have our car in for regular tune-ups, why not our marriage? And our therapist was thrilled. He said he wished more married couples began the process when they still got along well, because it’s easier.
But it’s definitely worth it even late in the game. Getting an outside, trained perspective on navigating the issues you have as a couple can dramatically improve quality of life. Even if you never expect to be romantic partners again, it can make you work better as a team for the reasons you mentioned.
I cannot recommend couples’ therapy enough.