Right on the head, I’ve had a woman try to tell me to be rougher and take what I want.
Sure, right after you sign a fucking waiver - I’m not about to ‘take what I want’ and have you turn around and claim I forced you into something.
Comment on Anon has his way
Hacksaw@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
“do what you want to me” is my least favourite dirty talk. The base idea is that we both currently WANT to do the same dirty rough sex but for some reason we’re not doing it. What makes her think he’s NOT doing what he wants right now? What if he’s a for fetishist and wants to put her foot in his mouth and jerk off? What if he just wants her to eat his ass?
Clearly “do what you want to me” doesn’t mean do what you want to me. “do what you want to me” means “I have a specific type of rough sex in mind but I’m not able to express my desires clearly, so I’ve projected them into my partner and I’ve made it their responsibility to understand me and do the right type of sex stuff to me”
I know this is basically an unhinged response to a greentext but I’ve had so many bad experiences with that specific line. Is wanting clear communication before and during sex about the sex we’re about to perform too much to ask for?
Jax@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
daggermoon@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
The waiver isn’t legally binding. Wouldn’t waste your time.
rainrain@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
Do all women secretly want to be raped?
Seriously. It might be a genetic primate thing. Built in.
Peruvian_Skies@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
#NotAllWomen but the ones who do like it rough often have fantasies that involve losing power and agency over what their partner does. Hence roleplaying rape and “do what you want to me”. However, sometimes they do have a script in their head and don’t like it when the partner deviates from that script because they just want to play at losing control, not actually lose it.
Then, if they haven’t agreed on a safe word beforehand, which they haven’t because we’re talking about people who don’t communicate properly, it turns into a confrontation.
Lesrid@lemm.ee 2 weeks ago
No.
I remember a fellow thespian explaining it as a perverse take on being desired. It was hot for her that she seemingly turned [her partner] on so much that he did anything he could to access her. She then went on to say that if it was a stranger, and if she could tell they did it because of her allure, she believes she could forgive them. I quit that troupe soon after for unrelated reasons.
Jax@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
Sounds like she was a narcissist, personally.
RBWells@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
I should probably break out the alt account but whatever. No of course not all but probably more of us like it rough than guys do, judging by the comments. One of the best things about getting older, sex-wise, is old guys have stamina and find it harder to get off so can do harder for longer so that I too can get off. I think it’s fair to say that because the stimulation from PIV is indirect (compared to direct clitoral stimulation) in my experience it can work better to be more physically forceful with it.
“Do what you want with me/have your way with me” is not a sexy thing to say though. It sounds like a bad romance novel thing. “What do you want/need?” or “harder please, slower please” you can say what you need without feeling too bossy, if feeling bossy is a turnoff.
prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 weeks ago
Sounds like something that could be very easily solved with basic communication.
Flocklesscrow@lemm.ee 2 weeks ago
No no, I think you captured it perfectly.
daggermoon@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Oh, so “Do what you want to me” doesn’t mean put her feet in my mouth and jerk off? But that’s what I want.
Clairvoidance@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 week ago
She contractually cannot complain
thebestaquaman@lemmy.world 6 days ago
I think this is really a just communication thing: I’m with someone that says “do what you want”, and I’d say it myself too, but we’ve been together long enough that there’s an implicit understanding of what that phrase means.
The point is that it’s a turn on to feel desired, even more so when you can just “give up control” and they’ll still do something you like. My experience is that the whole “do what you want” thing isn’t something you say to turn on your partner so much as yourself. Specifically, when I say it, it’s a way of communicating what I want (because of the mutual understanding of what it means) while keeping the pretense that I’m giving up all control (which turns me on). Likewise, when my partner says it, I know what she wants me to do, but keeping the pretense that I’m in complete control is a turn on.
Of course, this kind of mutual understanding has been built up over time, and I wouldn’t recommend communicating like this in a fresh relationship or one night stand.
MountingSuspicion@reddthat.com 2 weeks ago
I’m very sex positive and my partners have been too, so I don’t really have this issue, but I think porn has really affected both heterosexual men and women’s perception of sex. You hear it from the female perspective a lot where men just start hitting or choking them during sex, but there’s a cultural undercurrent of the opposite experience where women will try and take a guys hand to her throat and apply pressure because for some reason asking to be choked is weird but that isn’t. Both men and women are seeing rough sex portrayed in porn and assuming that’s the sex everyone wants/is having. In reality, it’s dangerous to do breathplay with an inexperienced partner and that’s not something you just spring on them. I think sex is still a taboo subject and people need to get more comfortable speaking about it. I think the idea of enthusiastic consent and how it incorporates into foreplay is often the deciding factor in how an encounter goes, but often neither party knows how to engage in it.
Hacksaw@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
Enthusiastic consent is so sexy! I also love open scene planning beforehand for kinkier sex so that everyone gets what they want out of it and avoid things they don’t want.
A lot of people still find both unsexy and think sex should both be purely spontaneous AND meet all their kinks somehow.
MountingSuspicion@reddthat.com 2 weeks ago
Yes, those are exactly the things that should be happening.
I think the aversion to it is often that it’s not incorporated into the foreplay itself. For more serious things it should be completely separate so that there’s no question what is part of the the play and not, but imho for casual sex there’s less of a need to have a sit down discussion about it. I’m a woman though, so I get that it’s easier for me to say than for a man to say. It sucks because a lot of that onus is put on the person coded as masc/dom in more casual settings, but that’s just the reality of it. I think if more masc/dom coded people incorporated it into their casual sex it’d be less taboo much faster. I don’t think femme/sub coded people are going to be able to push it and still feel like they’re inhabiting the space they want to, so I don’t know if we’ll see a lot of cultural movement unless heterosexual men start to champion this idea of incorporating consent into foreplay.
Hacksaw@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
From personal experience in casual settings it’s femme/sub coded people that tend to oppose enthusiastic consent. The idea of “agreeing” to various acts doesn’t feel “subby” enough.
I suspect the casual femme/sub role is mentally coded the same was bodice rippers/literary smut content is where a strong masc/dom appears and coercively satisfies all the femme/subs desires without real communication occurring freeing the femme/sub from the “shame” of accepting and expressing their femme/sub desires.
I think it would be, to me, difficult for the concept of enthusiastic consent to come from just one side of the equation. Both partners have to find it sexy for it to be sexy. It needs to enter our sexual zeitgeist, likely through advocacy and proper sexual education.
I have a hard time understanding how to people asking for what they want and expressing what they’d like to do could possibly be unsexy to anyone. Like I’m watching everyone get off and have their sexual needs validated and acted on. Non enthusiastic consent sex is SOMETIMES hot like the movies where two people are on the same wavelength and effortlessly act on eachothers desires. MOST of the time it’s awkward lack of communication leading to uncomfortable positions and the partners ESPECIALLY the femme/sub role having ALMOST what they want, getting CLOSE to amazing orgasm(s), but through lack of communication not really getting there, or settling for less.
Ironically the people who most consistently have “sexy hot movie sex” without having to talk are people who have been having enthusiastic consent sex for a few weeks or months and are playing out a scene they both understand.
Whew, thinking all this out is making me feel some kind of ways!
captainlezbian@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
I disagree actually. I’m a sub and historically the Dommes who’ve been good for me hsve been ones who appreciated that I set boundaries right away and am clear and up front about my desires. It took a huge load off my Domme to know that she wasnt the one to ask for it.
savedbythezsh@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
A little off topic, but do you know of a kink community on Lemmy? Not porn, more just to talk about it/share resources, etc.
Imadethis@lemmynsfw.com 2 weeks ago
Right now your best best is the nsfw asklemmy. It likely gets the most views from people, so you’re more likely to connect.
Hacksaw@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
!bdsm@lemmynsfw.com was supposed to be that, if you read the stickied posts it’s still supposed to be that. But it’s mostly porn atm.
I haven’t found an active kink community in the Lemmyverse, but I haven’t looked very hard.
ThatWeirdGuy1001@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
When I hear people say that porn is bad for your brain I’m always confused. But then I remember rape and cheater porn are two of the most popular forms of porn.