Comment on Anon has his way
Hacksaw@lemmy.ca 4 weeks agoFrom personal experience in casual settings it’s femme/sub coded people that tend to oppose enthusiastic consent. The idea of “agreeing” to various acts doesn’t feel “subby” enough.
I suspect the casual femme/sub role is mentally coded the same was bodice rippers/literary smut content is where a strong masc/dom appears and coercively satisfies all the femme/subs desires without real communication occurring freeing the femme/sub from the “shame” of accepting and expressing their femme/sub desires.
I think it would be, to me, difficult for the concept of enthusiastic consent to come from just one side of the equation. Both partners have to find it sexy for it to be sexy. It needs to enter our sexual zeitgeist, likely through advocacy and proper sexual education.
I have a hard time understanding how to people asking for what they want and expressing what they’d like to do could possibly be unsexy to anyone. Like I’m watching everyone get off and have their sexual needs validated and acted on. Non enthusiastic consent sex is SOMETIMES hot like the movies where two people are on the same wavelength and effortlessly act on eachothers desires. MOST of the time it’s awkward lack of communication leading to uncomfortable positions and the partners ESPECIALLY the femme/sub role having ALMOST what they want, getting CLOSE to amazing orgasm(s), but through lack of communication not really getting there, or settling for less.
Ironically the people who most consistently have “sexy hot movie sex” without having to talk are people who have been having enthusiastic consent sex for a few weeks or months and are playing out a scene they both understand.
Whew, thinking all this out is making me feel some kind of ways!
MountingSuspicion@reddthat.com 4 weeks ago
Yeah, I agree with your personal experience regarding who is generally turned off by it, but I think that’s why it needs to be a masc/Dom lead thing. Subs are too turned off by it conceptually and don’t want to take the lead. I think the big issue is how it’s incorporated into foreplay. Unfortunately, being sexy and dom about consent is not second nature to everyone, but it can definitely be done.
“Do you want me to X” or “wouldn’t you like that?” can be sprinkled throughout foreplay. “Tell me when to stop” or walking someone through an RP scenario where you respect their no and then they have to enthusiastically express consent to proceed. Absolute basic outline below devoid of all sexuality and not actually phrasing I would use: “Tell me to stop” “I don’t want you to” “Tell me anyway”
Option A “Ok. Stop” You stop and then have some sexy banter and tell them they need to ask you to continue. You’ve now demonstrated that you will respect their no even if you know it’s just play and you have their enthusiastic consent to proceed. If they don’t want to proceed either they didn’t actually like what was happening or you can try to ask them what they want instead and now they’re in charge.
OR “No I like this too much” You can proceed and potentially ask sexy follow ups to understand what specifically they like. “Oh you like how I X or do you like how I Y better?”
The issue is there’s a fine line between sexy and cringe. Knowing how to read a situation will definitely help, but the concept of using consent to build suspense is not new. There’s a whole genre of bodice rippers where the woman is the one that finally gives in and lets the man take her because he insists he won’t touch her until she begs for it. It obviously requires more restraint from the dom, and different techniques work on different people, but generally a way can be found to put consent in the hands of a sub without letting them feel like the power dynamic has been lost. It really is an art form though and not everyone can be a great artist, but we can all try our best.