Comment on Anon's lil bro goes through his first break up
Whats_your_reasoning@lemmy.world 3 days ago
The kid may still come around some day, but it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.
I have no idea what it feels like to be a horny teenage boy roiding up to get muscles, but I can say for a fact that messaging girls and having nothing to show but a muscled-up body and roid-induced anger isn’t going to work the way he seems to think it will. When I used dating sites, seeing a guy’s shirtless, muscled profile pic was always a turn off, if not a red flag in itself. Include the picture if you want, but put it amongst all the other normal pics you might have, because seeing it as a default pic smells of desperation. If that’s what you want to put out, don’t be surprised when your only responses are from shallow people (if you’re lucky) and (if you’re unlucky) catfishers that can sense your need for validation from a mile away.
This isn’t hating on muscle bros. I’m sure there are plenty of good guys that just like exercise, or who get caught up in the idea that big muscles are what women want to see. But when they get burned by shallow women and/or scammers that just want to use them, it often reinforces misogynist beliefs, making the cycle of manosphere nonsense harder to escape from.
I’m a guy. when I posted gym shirtless dude bro pics, I got way more attention. Often from women who said on their profiles they ‘weren’t into guys who most gym selfies’.
People’s behavior is what matters. People will chase what gets them rewards. In dating the point is to get sexual attention.
There’s a big distinction between people’s self-image and their behavior. One’s confidence in telling a story doesn’t come from its adherence to reality, but from its internal coherence. It’s why, in user interviews, you stay away from questions like “how do you generally use feature xyz?” but rather ask things like “tell me about the last time that you did xyz”. It’s an unavoidable aspect of talking about yourself, and I’m not calling anyone a liar, but it’s something to keep in mind when talking abt stuff like this.
Yeah I know.
The issue is that most folks internally can’t see the hypocrisy in their behaviors vs their self-reports, especially in dating.
Hence the prototypical problem of ‘why can’t i find a nice person to date’… and yet when you see them chase/get excited it’s only for folks that treat them like crap. Men and women both. I’ve also had plenty of friends over the years get utterly disgusted by someone treating them well, and had that same reaction in dating experience. I’ve also deliberately treated people like crap, and was shocked and horrific how positively they responded to that treatment.
People largely behave emotionally and irrationally. Though in their heads, it’s all very rational and logical.
The fact your date went straight to violence tells a lot about them. It sounds like they were testing your boundaries. Glad you got away early, I can only imagine what would’ve happened if you’d gotten into a steady relationship then tried to break up. You didn’t just dodge a bullet, it sounds like you dodged a nuclear warhead.
The gym bros would do a lot better if they focused on full body, rather than gains on certain muscle groups. No girl really wants a guy whose pecs are bigger than her breasts.
No one cares how much you can bench other than other gym bros, it’s such a weird exercise to focus on. Why not curl or squat weight? At least some women are into big legs or biceps.
I like the implication that women with big breasts are more willing to date gymbros because they still have bigger breasts than the pec, and that women with small breasts are relegated to dating only scrawny guys. Hilarious mental picture.
Ha! Yes, my husband works out heavy, I am small of bust, and yep he is more stacked than I am.
We think it’s funny though and small boobs is his preference, nice for me.
He does say though that if he could go back in time he would tell his younger middle aged self not to bulk, just focus on strength. Having put on the weight, he cannot seem to lose it and now wants to be leaner as he gets older. It’s not practical to maintain that much muscle mass, and if you try to ramp down you usually end up fat not smaller.
One of my best friends in college told me basically verbatim what I wrote in my comment. She said that she was glad she was a D cup and on the shorter side because it meant she could date guys who go to the gym and her pool of options was big because of her height.
So I think it might happen more often than you think. Probably not as big of a thing as height differential, but seems to be a thing from my personal experience.
Because that’s seen as less manly.
Which is kinda the opposite of ironic, because obviously, manly things are things men like.
Imagine a man’s reaction to a breakup would be to get into things women like, like exfoliating, trimming your eyebrows, etc. People would probably be like “He’s so much better without her”.
I’ve had more than woman in my life tell me how gay I am for having an oatmeal exfoliating facewash and moisturizer in my shower. because apparently i’m suppose to use soap only or something.
You always talk about your experience dating and it is crazy to me, I live in a different world. How you are attracting so many incompatible people, it’s so strange. I would be a bad fit for probably 80% of guys my age (like most people, probably)but only the 20% who do sort of fit ever responded to me in any way, or we figured out fast that it wouldn’t work. And when I was younger, I’m sure it was less than that 20%!
How are you somehow only attracting people who are not attracted to you? Surely your 20% exists, and it seems like the odds of finding one would be pretty good. Like basically - if you just keep the cat picture up, why is it not cat ladies responding?
Some women are for the patriarchy.
Sometimes, an “Are you gay” from a woman even is a “why are you not fucking me”; be it subconsciously, or a conscious flirty challenge.
Sometimes, it’s a “My man would never do anything like that and other man shouldn’t make him look bad in comparison”. Although I guess that’s the patriarchy thing again. Just like red pill podcast pickmes.
Of course all doesn’t matter, you could be the most effeminate man in the world - as long as you’re attracted to women, there’s no question.
gym bros care about what other gym bros care about.
That’s true of any culture. I am a cyclist. I get endless shit from other cyclists about my ‘old’ bikes, not knowing my FTP, wearing ‘cheap’ kit, etc. For a lot of people everything is about bragging rights and showing off they are better than you either based on physical performance or equipment.
Pics with a pet cat were always green flags, and pics doing an activity
The most attention I ever got from a pic on an online dating profile was when my main pic was me on a unicycle.
Activities, yes! Shows you have interests/a personality
yeah because it’s weird and quirky. i knew a guy who slayed because he had a picture of himself laying in a bathtub of milk. he was also a gym bro who agonized about his deadlift and talked about it almost everytime you spoke to him.
it makes you entertaining and people want to be entertained.
now if you had been wearing a clown outfit on said unicycle… you might have had not so great results. because that would freak people out.
statistically men with cats are not desirable. My cat died last year and my matches went way up. Lots of women who would match with me would ask me to get rid of my cat and even when who I met and dated IRL, were very hostile/suspicious that I had a cat.
You may prefer cats… but my dating experience has show me that women overwhelmingly dislike them. I also have a dog… my dog gets nothing but positive responses. Nobody has asked me to get rid of my dog or been weird around my dog when they met her.
You said statistically but provided an anecdote. Is this statistically based on your experience in your specific area or do you have actual stats to back this up?
Because I’ve spoken to lots of women who feel the same way I do. My wonder is whether something else in your profile is attracting women who don’t like cats perhaps or it could be a fluke, because what I’ve heard/experienced does not align with what you have experienced.
…cnn.com/…/cat-men-dating-study-scli-intl-scn-wel…
Cats are coded as feminine. Dogs are coded as masculine. That is just how our society, in North America is. You may not agree, but you are in a minority if you don’t.
I’m a straight guy that is comfortable about non-straight people, I’m also in a minority. But I understand that most folks in America are very uncomfortable around non straight people, and they view my familiarity with non-straight people as suspect that I’m not fully straight.
Don’t mistake your personal preferences for those of the broader public. I also ride bike to work, and most folks are very hostile to that… and the people who aren’t hostile to it are also folks who ride their bikes to work. Only 3% of people in my city commute by bike, 97% do not.
I’ve dated women who loved cats and had cats, and they were weirded out by me liking their cats. Because men are not supposed to like cats, women are. That was before I got my own cat, btw. Once I got a cat I got zero interest from cat-owning women, only from dog-owning women.
I will get another cat. But I would rather have a cat than be in a relationship with another person who thinks me liking cats is unacceptable or weird for a man.
Dungeon Crawler Carl montage coming right up…
When I used dating sites, seeing a guy’s shirtless, muscled profile pic was always a turn off, if not a red flag in itself.
So bizarre that people would do that. When I was single and on social media and on dating websites (before smartphones), I did want to show off a bit that I worked out, but I had the discretion to, like, wear a T-shirt or a polo in the right lighting to show that I had strong looking forearms and a hint that there’s something pretty solid under that shirt. Actually taking my shirt off would have felt way too desperate, and besides, just isn’t something that I’d naturally have a picture of myself in.
Just seems to be a mix of validation-seeking insecurity and confidence in one’s own muscles. Seems like a lot to unpack, and that combination probably doesn’t really send a message that “becoming intimate with me is going to be a rewarding and fulfilling time.”
Or it’s what gets you more/better matches.
I’m not sure that it would, but I’d bet it depends on time, place, and other context. The ideal body looks different in different social circles, even among the very fit (swimmer versus powerlifter versus Olympic lifter versus MMA fighter versus crossfitter versus basketball player).
In my circles, the straight women seem to to mostly prefer thin endurance cardio bodies, which, whatever, let people like things. Either way, that’s not always a great body type to show off shirtless.
Madzielle@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 days ago
I always felt this way too. Not only did I assume they would nit pick my body, because they seem to want perfection, I couldnt help but imagine they would at some point scare me if they ever got upset with me.
A friend of mine had a 17 year old son who just got broken up with for the first time. My son, was only 5 at the time, but the teen said to me, “make sure you teach him how to handle a breakup, I wasnt expecting any of this”. He shortly after tried to tell me the earth is flat, with split screen tiktoks as his reference. So, we know what road he was on. The kid was angry, confused, and hurt. It made me very sad. Ive now opened the conversation with my 13 year old about dating and break ups just recently. Im do my best to prepare him.
The chances you meet your life partner in the first shot is SO low. Everyone gets broken up with at some point, best to be prepared for it.