how do i deal with love as someone who was never loved?

Submitted ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨fuckyou1@lemmy.world⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

someone here must know

i think my parents caused me to exist just so i take care of them when they are old. they sent love to my direction but they didn’t love me. they loved their insurance plan, themselves (they saw their being in me), what they feel about themselves (through me). i was not allowed to exist peacefully or mind my own business. i was not allowed to have a preference or emotion. i am 10 and 14 years younger than my siblings. they knew my predecessors weren’t gonna be stupid enough. they hate each other. pretty much anything originating from them were negative. this family was a theatre. it takes a certain level of wretchedness to do this. and these people were what i know of humans. so i didn’t like humans.

anyways, at some point, i met many different people in a short amount of time. my opinion of humans improved.

two of them (women) made me feel more alive but i didn’t get close to them physically despite being pulled by them really hard.

then i forced myself to practice being physically close to people (women). it was very difficult.

meanwhile in therapy i realized i avoid intimacy really hard

last two points combined led to some new observations

i think at least one person loved me. i never saw someone looking at me like that before. i think maybe they sensed my background and how i dealt with it.

and i feel weird about it. like what the fuck is even love? what do i do with it? do i eat it? keep it? store it? grow it? do i let it exist by itself? i am asking stupid things but it is just kinda weird.

how do i cope with this positive thing?

i am kinda trying to get myself used to this concept so i can stop avoiding intimacy. i am still avoiding, really hard. but if i stop avoiding, i’ll find myself in a relationship probably quickly

i probably don’t know what i don’t know too.

again, love feels weird. maybe they just love what i might provide to them. maybe there is no such thing as love and it is arrogance or stupidity to expect it to exist

also this might be like a drug. this person can feed me love and take everything in return and i might be ok with it. my brother did that

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cetaceanprayers@lemmy.world ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
men will literally do anything other than go to therapy

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Dumbitch@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
That’s cute but probably above our pay grade. What you need is therapy

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mrcleanup@lemmy.world ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
We learn who we are and what we want by trying different things. If you aren’t sure about something, try it. And it’s ok to discuss it in advance to set guidelines or expectations if you need to.

The one thing that’s non negotiable is respect. If you invest time in someone you don’t really respect, eventually that time ends up wasted.

If you have trouble trusting, start small. Lay your head on her lap while you watch a movie or something.

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Glifted@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
If you can afford I would get professional help. This is not something I have experience with personally but I’ve often heard of people not being able to process certain emotions so I would assume its somewhat common. A decent therapist would likely have a good understanding of how to help you navigate this.

If you can’t afford that then talking about on lemmy or elsewhere probably wouldn’t hurt. Even if we can’t offer much advice I figure writing it out like that could probably help you process your feelings on some level

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BradleyUffner@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

but if i let things happen, a woman is gonna be always around me lol. and i will have to make plans for her and deal with stuff. then a family reeeee.

You don’t have to have kids if you don’t want to. My wife and I are in our 40s and neither of us want kids. Society will try to make it seem like that’s just what normal people do, bit screw that noise. Do what makes you happy.

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0x01@lemmy.ml ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Logic and love don’t really mix well, life is a bit fuller when you embrace love and let yourself feel vulnerable even if you know it will end in tragedy

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- clove@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  There’s only so many tragedy a person can handle before their quality of life taking a dip. If possible, better to find some kind of therapeutic care, preferably from a trained professional.
  
  I recommend the book All About Love to OP. I think they’ll see a lot of themselves in it.
  
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  - Echolynx@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
    Hell yeah, bell hooks! Spot on recommendation.
    
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UndulyUnruly@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
You’re not alone! What you describe could be the consequences and manifestations of trauma for a person raised by emotionally immature parents.

As per your descriptions, it seems plausible that your parents may have failed in caring sufficiently for your emotional wellbeing as a a child/adolescent.

The resulting trauma of such circumstances is absolutely pernicious, destructive, and profoundly shapes (our difficulty to make sense of) social relationships, including what you describe: difficulty to love, be loved, and feel ready to accept and reciprocate intimacy.

I speak from experience, and I will recommend you a book, perhaps the context applies to you or others reading this. The audiobook is great and is read by the author if that’s your jam:

“Adult Children of Immature Parents - How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents” by Lindsay Gibson (she is a clinical psychologist).

I credit this book with changing my life, and I do not say this lightly. I have cried profusely with unspeakable relief to finally see the answers to my omnipresent questions. I literally yelped out in tears “Fuck yes, there it is! This is me!”

The book made me understand the circumstances of where I came from, how this impacted me and my relationships to those around me, and what I needed to do to go forward and allow myself to heal. Perhaps it resonates with you and helps you out.

If you struggle financially and you can’t afford the (audio)book, pm me.

Consider to continue to seek out professional support if possible. Don’t walk alone.

Much love.

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some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

and i feel weird about it. like what the fuck is even love? what do i do with it? do i eat it? keep it? store it? grow it? do i let it exist by itself? i am asking stupid things but it is just kinda weird.

The moral to a story that a sociology professor told us was that if you want to keep your warm-fuzzy supply full, you have to give them out as much as possible. I think that applies here once you get past the current hurdles.

I was not able to love myself until 2019. I didn’t think it would ever happen. I used to hate myself. Keep working on it – massive change is possible but it takes time and persistence. I wish you the best.

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agavaa@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
What a great read! You seem very reflective and aware of yourself. I don’t really have any advice, but it seems you’re on the right track just by knowing yourself and taking steps to wrap your head around it all. Good luck!

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Nomad@infosec.pub ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
You are not alone. In fact this is pretty common. My wife has similar struggles:

simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.ht…

As you already said, it’s caused by parents that don’t give you a safe and living emotional environment in early childhood.

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snek_boi@lemmy.ml ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
You care about love. You wrote this post. You mentioned someone who loved you as “wholesome”. You say you want to stop avoiding intimacy.

I’d dare to say you care about love, belonging, kindness, safety, and independence. I may be wrong with some or all of those, and I’m sorry if I misread you or made assumptions. However, feel free to write your own list of things that you care about. We humans care where we hurt and we hurt where we care. Think about your experience with love, intimacy, and relationships. Notice when something that hurts pops up. What would you not have to care about for this not to hurt?

It’s also important to notice that brain is trying to protect you. It’s trying to avoid the pain it has perceived in the past, the pain it (rightly or wrongly) predicts will appear in your future. It’s important to recognize its suggestions, its predictions, its interpretations. In case you don’t already do mindfulness practices in any way, you may consider taking it up. It’s important to be careful with what kind of mindfulness you do, because unfortunately there’s a lot of bad mindfulness out there, misinformation, incorrect takes, etc. Mindfulness as presented in programs like Healthy Minds are science-based and really helpful.

Once again, the reason I’m recommending mindfulness is because when you notice your brain’s advice, it’s easier to choose what kind of person you want to be. Once you know where you’re standing, it’s easier to take steps to where you want to go.

Just to comment on relationships. You mentioned that in a relationship it’s possible or likely that there’s “a whole-ass human depending on you or giving herself to you in every way”. Yes, some people think this is how relationships work, but it’s not the only way. You could read Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight to see how relationships can be different. The book might also be helpful to you because it explains how humans try to protect themselves even though they want to be close to each other.

Yes, love can be intoxicating “like a drug”. Seeing love through the lens of drugs suggests that we lose control with love. However, if you’re mindful about how it feels, you can both feel its beautiful sensations and also soberly choose what kind of person you want to be. Mindfulness, connection, and personal fulfillment can all coincide with a romantic relationship. Of course, it’s possible to be mindful, connected, and fulfilled without a romantic relationship, but it seems like you think the path towards a healthy romantic relationship is something you predict could make your life meaningful. You’re not alone; plenty of humans seek love in that way.

To readers of this text who have seen my responses to other people, you may think that I see every situation as a nail that I hammer with my EFT, mindfulness, and ACT hammers. On the one hand, I ask whether you truly believe these situations would not benefit from those approaches. After all, they are evidence-based, trans-diagnostic, and have helped millions of people. On the other hand, it’s not necessary to follow the resources that I suggest; it’s possible to gain connection, awareness, and psychological flexibility in many ways. It’s a matter of finding what works for you.

I hope this helps.

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