What if we took a bunch of private firefighters, and kept them on retainer? Then, everyone in the area could agree to pitch in and pay these private firefighters to be on call and put out fires when and where they happen.
Got my boy Crassus on speedial
Submitted 1 week ago by Track_Shovel@slrpnk.net to [deleted]
https://slrpnk.net/pictrs/image/099e66ef-ea9c-4ff5-a8e5-e9980dc1f62b.jpeg
Comments
baggachipz@sh.itjust.works 1 week ago
Track_Shovel@slrpnk.net 1 week ago
Sshh. That sounds like socialism, you fucking commie.
marduk@lemmy.sdf.org 1 week ago
Looks like the man’s living the libertarian dream to be honest.
I bet he paid for a private road to his house too
AtariDump@lemmy.world 1 week ago
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
LandedGentry@lemmy.zip 1 week ago
I always read this start to finish when it comes up lol
omgitsaheadcrab@sh.itjust.works 1 week ago
The fact that his surname is water man kills me
Akasazh@feddit.nl 1 week ago
Rest in peace
then_three_more@lemmy.world 1 week ago
Classic mistake. He should have persuaded his neighbours to have private firefighters. That way they’d have put his house out to stop the fire spreading to that of their clients.
MissJinx@lemmy.world 1 week ago
Is private firefighter a thing?! never heard of this.
Honytawk@lemmy.zip 1 week ago
It used to, before we understood it is much better as a social service.
AllNewTypeFace@leminal.space 1 week ago
Some old buildings in Europe still have plaques with the crest of a private fire brigade their owners had a subscription with in the 19th century.
hungryphrog@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 week ago
Shh, don’t give them any ideas.
Anivia@feddit.org 1 week ago
At least in Germany it’s common for large companies to have their own fire brigade
MissJinx@lemmy.world 1 week ago
Corporate fire brigade is a thing for sure but not prrivate like a service
Sergio@slrpnk.net 1 week ago
Explanation of the post title:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcus_Licinius_Crassus
RedstoneValley@sh.itjust.works 1 week ago
That’s pretty crass
StaticFalconar@lemmy.world 1 week ago
And yet nobody made a song called fuck the firefighters.
hungryphrog@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 week ago
I mean, the firefighters were slaves, so that’d be a bit unfair to blame them.
Honytawk@lemmy.zip 1 week ago
They most likely did at some point during that time
ryannathans@aussie.zone 1 week ago
That’s pretty smart
Saleh@feddit.org 1 week ago
Nahh, its just evil.
7 years old come up with plans like this during play.