How do I alleviate bitterness due to lack of intimacy?

Submitted ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨throwaway@discuss.online⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

I have given up trying to find a girlfriend. Even though, I am outgoing, have hobbies (I dance, which is actually filled with women), go to parties, talk to plenty of women. I keep hearing the same thing over and over again: “I am just not so into skinny guys.”

I think this is fair from the woman’s perspective. I for one am only motivated to date attractive women. So, them not wanting to settle for less actually makes very good sense to me. There is absolutely no hate or bitterness regarding that. Fuck all that: ‘all women are whores’-noise.

That being said, I think I should just consider myself celibate by virtue of my own standards. But now bitterness is starting to take hold of me. Bitterness about my life and to me as a person. As I said I am very outgoing and don’t want to become the cynical asshole around my friends. So how do I stop this?

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ving_thor@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
I agree with the recommendation for therapy. I can say that it helped me to get in a more positive and constructive mind set.

Other thoughts on your lack of intimacy:

Getting a pet can give some kind of replacement for intimacy with another human being. Sure, it is not the same. But cuddling with a cat can help to feel less lonely.

For intimicy as in “sex”, I think there is nothing wrong with considering sex workers. Unless of course it is illegal in your country…

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morphballganon@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Is your region particularly conservative?

I’ve heard more right-leaning people associate largeness with masculinity. Being in ablue state, I hear a lot of women talk about liking skinny guys.

But then again, the same people who say that can find bigger guys they like too. Sooo size probably isn’t the main factor here.

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thedeadwalking4242@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
How skinny are you? It might. Be your style or your taste in person you’re going after. I was very skinny but didn’t struggle and I mean 120 at 6 foot 1 skinny

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Kolanaki@yiffit.net ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

I’m not into skinny guys

That seems way easier to fix than “I’m not so into fat fucks.” Just eat more and stop going to the gym.

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- Deceptichum@quokk.au ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Thats way harder than eating less? Like one is literally less work and the other is extra work.
  
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- OlPatchy2Eyes@slrpnk.net ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  You have no idea how much skinny guys hear this haha. I’m sure you mean well by it but at the end of the day you’re making light of what is a struggle for a lot of people.
  
  With that being said, if the financials are there then yeah OP should be building some muscle. I personally needed to be on 3000 calories a day to gain any weight at all. But I swear gaining 20 pounds (8 or 9 kgs) turned my dating life around unbelievably fast.
  
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Vex_Detrause@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
After my last gf it took me 4 years to find someone. I was going through grief on the prospect of being single for a long time. Then when the acceptance hit I rode it like it was the last step on grief. I just do me, meaning I watch movies by myself, eat out by myself, do stuff by myself. Most of my friends are couples so it’s easy to escape a crowd. I had my best vacation by booking 4 days earlier than the group and stay at a hostel and join randoms in their adventure. Sometimes it’s awkward but I didn’t try too hard so when one experience sucks I went to the next one. TLDR: I drown myself with hobbies and things I like to do and didn’t actively look for someone. But when it feels like going for someone then I date.

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Bonskreeskreeskree@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Get in the gym guy

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surewhynotlem@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
You only want to date attractive women. You aren’t attracted to many women. Those ones don’t seem attracted to you.

Does that sound right?

That’s a nonstandard combination, and that’s ok. You might be Ace, but not Aro. An Ace person (or someone elsewhere on the sexuality spectrum) could hold women to a high beauty standard for aesthetic reasons. While still having low requirements for the romantic side (i.e. be willing to compromise to get romance)

Figuring out yourself will then dictate your dating approach. If you are Ace, then finding a beautiful Ace girlfriend is not the same approach as finding a straight one.

All I know is, my desire for sex would (did) easily override some arbitrary beauty requirement. I think most generic straight guys would agree. So if this isn’t happening, it’s worth your time to ask why.

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- Bunnylux@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  I really wish people would stop commenting that someone has this or that identity when they just want a normal life. Having trouble finding a girlfriend? Maybe you don’t want sex! Like what? Stop normalizing this.
  
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  - surewhynotlem@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    I’ll stop as soon as it IS normalized, so that those people who actually are Ace don’t waste fallout their life wondering why they’re unhappy.
    
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LouNeko@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
This is why I feel like the whole “body positivity” movement is a god damn joke. It’s mostly about women who love munching cake more than having unclogged arteries. In the last decade we got so many shows and movies where the characters can be morbidly obese and everybody should praise them for their bravery. We got even plus sized manikins in stores, wow.

But I dare you to name a single character from a show or movie that is skinny (not jacked skinny, but skinny skinny) that isn’t a crackhead junkie, some psycho or a basement dweller with his eyes glued to a screen?

Hell, just name a Hollywood actor that is skinny?

I know one, DJ Qualms, who’s arguably most famous role is a disabled person. Great.

I really don’t blame women for not preferring skinny guys, I blame Hollywood for 3 decades of horrible PR.

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- gigachad@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  OP is asking about not becoming bitter, here you are, spreading nothing but bitterness.
  
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  - LouNeko@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    Oh no, that’s like not me at all /s.
    
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- 2ugly2live@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  That’s a very surface level glance at the movement. Don’t get me wrong, it is about women who “love munching on cake” because those women should be able to do whatever the fuck they want and still be respected and treated with dignity(~~I also can’t ignore that it’s an issue for fat women, but not fat men?~~) . You don’t have to find fat people attractive, hell, you don’t even have to like them, but that doesn’t mean that person should be condemned to a life of solitude and ridicule until their body is good enough for society. Life is too short for that. Even if you’re working towards health, you should still get to experience the world today. However, that’s one piece of of the movement, it is also and stopping the “real women have curves” ideas, and putting body types against each other. It’s about how leading men are showing casually jacked forms like that’s just what the average guy looks like. It’s about men not drinking water before shoots to see their muscles better, even if it leaves them dangerously dehydrated. It’s about men who are ridiculed or turned down for their height alone. It’s about men like OP who think their body type isn’t good enough, it’s about the women OP met who automatically deemed OP’s value by his apperence. If your complaint is that there aren’t enough representations of male body types, that is part of the body positivity movement. These desires are not opposed to each other, but to do one, you have to do the other. You can’t have a message of “All these bodies are great, except those.” It shouldn’t matter how the body got the way it is, or even if the body is healthy. It deserves respect. I don’t chastise and belittle thin people, or even “too thin” people, and go, “you need to eat a sandwich. You need to lift weight. I’m just worry about your health after all. God, just eat more. It’s not hard.” If they’re not friends or family, it’s none of my fucking business.
  
  For some reason fat people feeling good and desirable about their bodies seems like the worst fucking thing for whatever reason. We have had people doing all kinds of drugs and harmless practices to stay thin, or avoid that ridicule. Fat shouldn’t be a social death knell. A condition, sure. Not healthy, fine. Not worth being seen or existing? Not fine.
  
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- lady_maria@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  
  We got even plus sized manikins in stores, wow.
  
  you do know that’s because plus-sized clothing exists too, right? Do you expect stores to just not display their clothes simpy because they’re for fat people, or…?
  
  But I dare you to name a single character from a show or movie that is skinny (not jacked skinny, but skinny skinny) that isn’t a crackhead junkie, some psycho or a basement dweller with his eyes glued to a screen?
  
  Victor, from Arcane; Ben Wyatt, from Parks and Recreation; Gareth Keenan, from The Office (UK); Ken Cosgrove from Mad Men. I’m sure there are many more, but that’s just who I could think of off the top of my head.
  
  I absolutely agree that there should be better representation of men’s (and women’s, imo) body types, including skinny men. But you’re really overestimating the quantity and quality of decent representation of fat women in roles that don’t rely on steroetypes. By that, I mean: isn’t unhinged/shrill/creepy/portrayed as gross or undesirable because she’s fat (and sometimes old)/there solely and shallowly as “the funny fat woman”. The majority of roles played by women, especially prominent ones, are still played by thin women.
  
  Fat female characters are relatable and important to have because—whether you like it or not—fat women exist in real life. One simply existing in media does not inherently come with a statement condoning any particular lifestyle as you seem to be implying.
  
  I know one, DJ Qualms, who’s arguably most famous role is a disabled person. Great.
  
  …and? That’s a bad thing to you?
  
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Wanderer@lemm.ee ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
You need to drink your way to weight gain.

Try 4 meals a day if you can but get some big calorie drinks in you.

Stop looking at the weight in the gym and start looking at the weight on the scales.

But I’m (athletic) skinny and punched out of my weight loads. How? I don’t fucking know. Think girls are just really comfortable around me and for some that works, usually the cute quiet ones. Or sometimes I been blackout drunk and magic happens.

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SassyRamen@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Just remember Mario, your princess is in another castle.

You could start doing single activities, depending on where you live. Even if you don’t find someone right for you, you could hang out with people in the same general situation.

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VelvetStorm@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Have you tried working out and getting bigger?

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- throwaway@discuss.online ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  I have, I go to gym about three times a week.
  
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  - CookieOfFortune@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    Going to the gym won’t make you less skinny. Eating more at a surplus will. Also 1g protein/lb of body weight per day.
    
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