I am against rape or rapists or any such type of action or person. But my mom who has a daughter. Keeps questioning why these women wait so long before coming out with it?

Submitted ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨Patnou@lemmy.world⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

Like the two senators or anyone for that matter. I always tell my mother that either they are in fear of the power the other party may do, maybe getting paid off, or some even fear of deportation.

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vzqq@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Because usually it doesn’t help. You get a lot of questions about what you were wearing and what your make up is like, your love life is scrutinized, you get to retell the most traumatic moment of your entire existence over and over and over again to people.

And then nothing happens. The perpetrator walks free.

So you just try to put it behind you. Move on. Even though you are severely traumatized, you put in a smile and pretend that if you pretend everything is alright, it somehow will be.

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IWW4@lemmy.zip ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Lordy was a complex question.

Why don’t rape victims immediately go to the police?

There are so many reasons:

fear of reprisal

not wanting to deal with the stigma of being a rape victim

the bizarrely fucked up and contradictory cultural norms associated with sex in the US, in the US women are taught that if they engage in sex they are being a slut.

People victim blame, she was wearing a tight skirt, she should not have been out at night, she should not have ridden around in cars with boys.

Rape kits and rape investigations can be traumatic.

Often the best coping mechanism people can have for such an assault is try and bury the emotions.

Self doubt… did I lead this person on? Did I say yes?

The futility of it, perceived or real. Rapist trials are messy and long drawn out affairs and there are no guarantees. So is there any point in reporting?
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- riskable@programming.dev ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Don’t forget this far-too-common reason:
  
  The person that raped you is a police officer.
  
  It takes, “fear of reprisal” to a whole new level.
  
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- FearMeAndDecay@literature.cafe ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Another coping mechanism is to minimize it. “It wasn’t actually rape” or “at least they didn’t beat me/choke me” etc. They tell themself it wasn’t actually a big deal bc actually admitting to themselves that what they went through was deeply traumatic can be absolutely crushing and can sometimes push them over the edge. As much as we want sa survivors to report the perpetrators so they can (unfortunately hopefully) be arrested, their focus is and should be their own health and well-being. Tho means that sometimes people are only able to speak up a long time after
  
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  - IWW4@lemmy.zip ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    That is a very big one!
    
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Drbreen@sh.itjust.works ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
My father inappropriately touched my wife. When we finally aired out what happened, our ‘family’ turned against us.

Never seen them again.

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hoohoohoot@fedinsfw.app ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I understand 0% of this. Nothing makes sense and there are no actual sentences, please try again -_-

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- Patnou@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Why do women wait so long after getting raped to come out with it?
  
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  - Witchfire@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Because no one ever believes them
    
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Solumbran@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I tagged this account as “suspicious” long ago and it keeps on confirming what I thought

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- Patnou@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  For what its a legit question.
  
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  - Solumbran@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Your question is loaded.
    
    A lot of your posts have a weird background assumption that doesn’t sound good.
    
    Now you might be completely honest and genuine, but you don’t come off as such.
    
    And for your information, rape victims don’t “wait”, they suffer, struggle and feel shamed. They’re not just sitting around thinking “eeh, too lazy to go to the cops today, I’ll just do it in like 20 years”.
    
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Diocese3049@fedinsfw.app ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I am a man that was raped by a woman. Only a small number of people know, and i have never gone to the authorities. It took me years to admit to myself I had been raped. I think it was 10, maybe even 15 years later.

When I talk about it I feel utter shame. The few people that I have shared it with do not believe me, or dismiss it as not rape enough to be real rape. Even my own mother scoffs at it not being real rape.

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Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Never been in the situation, but I imagine that when the rape happened, they either believed, or were coerced into thinking that nothing could be done about it. These things are often he said vs she said, and for most of recorded history, what he said always won.

Then, however many years later they are that these guys are running in national elections, and what was once something that they had decided to move on from, now has the attention of the nation.

They felt they didn’t have a voice before, but know they do, and they want to tell the nation the truth about this person that could potentially have a LOT of power.

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starlinguk@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Two kids raped an eleven year old in the Netherlands, posted it online and they each got 5 days in prison.

What’s the point? In this case there was irrefutable proof and they still got away with it.

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Zikeji@programming.dev ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
The psychological reaction behind a victim’s response is varied and largely unknown. There are many, many factors at play. Fear is a large part, for sure. Our media tends to portray victims poorly - and people react poorly as well. There are so many factors at play that usually culminate in “it’s better if I just keep quiet”. Just like similar factors come into play when it becomes public and now you’re feeling pressure to also speak up.

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- captainlezbian@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Also you’ve got a lot going on at the time. Recovering from sexual violence can be an extremely long and difficult process and victims may want to just not see their attacker and try to put it past them at first
  
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hedders@fedia.io ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Look at what happens to the women who do come forward. Is it really any wonder they're so reticent?

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scarabic@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Cutting to the chase, just ask your mom if any man has ever touched her inappropriate or gotten her to have sex when she would rather not have.

Then ask her why she hasn’t ever told you this before.

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devolution@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Your mom doesn’t understand how power and control works.

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- Patnou@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Well tell the 4 boys/men who are deathly afraid of her lol
  
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RBWells@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I am sorry to say I think all women have experience with this. For me, I mostly just was not as traumatized as I’d expect someone to be, it would be more traumatic to bring it up, so I just moved on. Only if someone asks do I disclose it. If it was someone who later became powerful I might feel different though, right? Might feel like if he did that to me, he doubtless hurt others, and it might possibly do some good.

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InvalidName2@lemmy.zip ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Two big reasons: Times have changed (somewhat and with caveats) and rape changes people.

For these high profile cases, these perpetrators are people who choose vulnerable victims and there’s typically a large power imbalance, along with various social aspects that make victims feel powerless (along with the shame and fear that come with pretty much any sexual violence). And often, the victims do “come out with it” to their friends and family, medical practitioners, and even police. But every rape is different, circumstances vary, and outcomes / decisions run the gamut. These folks eventually try to move on with their lives, put the past behind them. Then suddenly, their rapist shows up on TV and online all over the place. Their name comes up constantly. All those emotions and trauma come back up. And I don’t blame these victims for wanting to take another swing and make a big show of the fact that they were victimized by powerful people.

My situation, not rape but being taken advantage of, gave me a little taste of this. I don’t feel like sharing a lot of traumatic personal details and definitely don’t want to give anything away that could identify me personally. But it gives me a little bit of insight into situations that can occur.

As I said, I was taken advantage of by a well-connected and popular person decades ago. As this was happening, I did tell friends and family. They all gave me support and guidance, and I did my best to get out of the situation as fast as I could. Calling the police wasn’t really an option, and I was in a very vulnerable place in life, didn’t have money for a lawyer, and I was basically stuck. Not only that, the person taking advantage of me was very good at playing on my weaknesses, convincing me that by hurting him, I’d be hurting other people and that everybody believed he was a good person so they wouldn’t believe me anyway. That actually he wasn’t taking advantage of me, it was me taking advantage of him. You name the psychological weapon, he probably used it against me.

Eventually I did manage to break completely free of that situation. I was just so happy that it was over and done with, I really didn’t want to look back. I wanted it out of my life and behind me. As I said, it’s not like I had the money to sue and it wasn’t a situation where police would get involved. I moved on, just lucky that I managed to make it out alive and in a position where I could recover.

Time eventually faded a lot of the trauma and I probably hadn’t thought of my abuser for years. And then suddenly, I find out that they are running for office in my area. And worse, they are presenting themselves as the moral alternative, called upon by God, and a force for good. I see their signs all over and their name on a regular basis. I’m traumatized all over again. And the worst part is, about 90% of the time when I tell people what my abuser did to me, their response is “why didn’t you sue them?” or “why did you let them do that to you?”. As though I’m the one with the moral failing in this situation.

So, I know my situation isn’t exactly the same as a rape victim, but I get it.

And finally, this topic is not one where you’re going to have a gotcha moment with your mom. It’s far too complicated and nuanced for that.

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Eternal192@anarchist.nexus ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Problem is that there have been cases lately where where they would claim they were raped and then a few years later it would turn out the “victim” was lying out of a personal grudge against the “rapist”, example Amber Heard and Johnny Depp as a famous example and maybe someone can find the article where a girl claimed her neighbour raped her or groped her and her brothers or cousins cut the mans legs of with a chainsaw he of course died and they were all imprisoned and then after that when real victims come forward they are scrutinized because of assholes that abused the system for personal gain or revenge.

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- vzqq@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Get help.
  
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  - Eternal192@anarchist.nexus ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    For what? for pointing out why the system doesn’t work? for saying why people that should be receiving help are ignored?
    
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