Echoing othersâ remarks about narcissism. Some people have such a shallow perception of goodness that they feel they tick the Virtuous And Hardworking box through nakedly surface level actions. They cannot see how those actions might not actually be what the other person wanted. Thatâs not a consideration. That might as well be particle physics, sure itâs real and governs every aspect of our existence, but too much intricacy for day to day life
Comment on Daily Discussion Thread: đđđ Tuesday, September 3, 2024
Seagoon_@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
ok, I need the collective wise mind of the dt to help explain this weird behaviour
my MIL insists on visiting her sick son in hospital every single day, sick son, my BIL, has had terrible cardiac disease which required many months in hospital
So MIL would visit every day. Sheâs not a caring person, If someone is sick she says, "I donât like that you/they are sick. " She doesnât do any actual tending. She is narcissistic , diagnosed.
Her visits became a burden on the son and the doctors told her to stop coming as son needed undisturbed rest. She still went to visit.
I just canât figure what she got out of it. Why did she do it?
She impeded his recuperation. Her visiting usually meant no one else could visit as visiting was restricted. She complained about going.
If the goal was to make people think she was nice and caring it didnât work.
maybe she need reassurance from her son ( yes, that is fucked up )
I am at a loss as to why she did it.
just_kitten@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
Gibsonhasafluffybutt@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
My father was like this. Itâs to keep up a charade maybe. Both for herself and anyone that asks.
She can convince herself and others how much of a martyr she is. How much it impacts her to go everyday, but by God she goes anyway!
You get the idea.
Seagoon_@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
She can convince herself
yes, I got a strong sense of this
Bottom_racer@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
Grandiose Sense of Self-ImportanceâŚ
Attention-Seeking BehaviorâŚ
Lack of EmpathyâŚ
Exploiting OthersâŚ
Ticks a few NPD boxes there. Very rough on the BIL. Have a few in my fam and itâs basically hitting your head against a brick wall :( Feel for you guys, not easy.
Seagoon_@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
Grandiose Sense of Self-ImportanceâŚ
So she is so important everyone must want her presence and she will bestow her presence on those she deems worthy ( or can exploit )
Her visit is more important than anyone elseâs. Does not matter to her other people couldnât visit
she know better than doctors or just doesnât care
Catfish@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
Surely BiL can ask for her to not be admitted?
Seagoon_@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
BIL really did not have the physical or mental energy to ask for much of anything
and I think the doctors didnât want a fight as it would have been extremely stressful for BIL, and she would have fought if denied entry or was asked to leave
thatâs if her meek passive manipulation didnât work
Catfish@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
Grrr!
dumblederp@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
She sounds churchy.
Seagoon_@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
Itâs def important to her that people think she is spiritual.
To her not being spiritual is an insult, so she calls other people not spiritual is she doesnât like them/is angry.
CEOofmyhouse56@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
I am not wise but Iâll give this a crack.
The Martyr - someone who tries to get sympathy from others when he or she has a problem or too much work, usually when that person caused the problem or chose to do the work himself or herself:
I would bet my arse she has told EVERYONE how she must visit her son because nobody else has. Poor me.
Secondly. She doesnât want to miss out on anything that is said by doctors or staff.
imoldgreeeg@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
Yeah this is my vibe too. Sorry. Thatâs super shitty behaviour
Seagoon_@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
I would bet my arse she has told EVERYONE how she must visit her son because nobody else has. Poor me.
No one else could go because he was only allowed one short visit a day đĄ
she never brought him anything he needed, that was still left up to other people
Secondly. She doesnât want to miss out on anything that is said by doctors or staff
Agreed.
And yet she ignored the doctors advice on what would be good for son.
CEOofmyhouse56@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
I copy and pasted the description of what a Martyr is btw but everything else was mine. Iâve met a few martyrs in my time. They stand out like dogâs balls.
How to deal with a martyr? You canât because they wonât listen. They are more wiser than you.
Seagoon_@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
agree
thing is she denies it was her choice
just_kitten@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
This reminds me so much of a selfish, childish uncle I haveâŚ
ugh
He gets very possessive of certain people in his life, and if they need care, it doesnât matter that heâs not helping, or even actively making things worse⌠only HE gets to be there. HE must supervise and monitor interactions. If you are on the phone too long with one of his people you would hear him starting to demand their attention in the background, increasingly louder, cutting midway into sentences. Of course in the first instance when something bad happens to one of those certain people he makes it all about HIMSELF. Full dramatic breakdown and whimpering and redirecting attention to himself. Heâs like 79 Shockingly in the last 2-3 years has he improved to the point that I can visit my aunt and stay out late without him calling in increasingly short intervals after 6pm. And he is more restrained. It took a severe family tragedy, though. Plus realising how many people who formerly tolerated him were actively avoiding him. Some people are beyond any meaningful change though IMO.
TheWitchofThornbury@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
Would like to think through this one in detail - does sound weird on first impressions. Will respond later.
Duenan@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
Just for more context, has she been asked why she visits every day and what her answer to that is?
Seagoon_@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
Yes, she has been asked.
She said she should, no reason given Thatâs all she said.
When told the doctors said not to she just ignored what we said, just like how she ignored the doctors.
SituationCake@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
I can tell from the answers who has suffered a narcissist in their life. Itâs hard to get your head around, because their behaviour is so confounding to a normal person. The thing that finally clicked for me, is for every behaviour, you have to think how is this about the narcissist. Itâs about no one else. They seek adoration, admiration, power, control, status, attention. Constantly. Itâs never about you, itâs ALWAYS about them. They feel bitter inside if they donât get these things. They seek to manipulate situations so they can satisfy their needs. âWoe is meâ, âlook how devoted I amâ, âIâm the most importantâ etc could all be motivators. And probably others, that I canât get my brain to think of, because to a regular person itâs baffling that a person might do something detrimental to a seriously ill person, for their own flowery and control. Has nothing to do with the BIL. Heâs just a convenient tool. I am so sorry this person is in your life. Itâs hard.
Seagoon_@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
I have suffered terribly at the hands of narcissists and I still have so much trouble understanding what is going on. Still naive.
You wrote âConstantly.â I think that is what I need to really remember, itâs 24 hours a day and every situation for them because itâs who they are, in a way they canât help it.
Every word, every action. They believe in nothing except themselves.
StudChud@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
Itâs narcissism, thatâs it. It isnât rational to us because we donât place ourselves at the centre of everyone elseâs universe.
It is important to her that she feels she is right and doing good. Doing something she thinks she is supposed to, against Drs orders, means she gets to feel like a victim, a bullied mother being forced to stop seeing her sick son. She did it because she gets validation about the whole ordeal.
Seagoon_@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
that never occurred to me
I am such a naif
I was thinking from the point of view of the patient
She would really think she was being bullied/is a victim ? I am gobsmacked.
StudChud@aussie.zone â¨2⊠â¨months⊠ago
Yes, she gets to be the victim to all the people who only know her and not her family. Thatâs where the validation comes from because she can spin whatever story she wants, who is going to fact check?