As a dad now with a trans son I so get it. I’m blessed in I know who and what I am. I will never “get” what’s going on in his head or understand what trans is or any of that shit. But I love him, I want him happy and I will defend whatever he decides to be until the ends of the world.
Note to everyone and self I use he/him because in my simple brain he has a dick he’s a boy. Like me he doesn’t give a shit because we joke about the old meme “I identify as an attack helicopter” and I tell people my pronouns are “dumb/ass” or if I’m being a dick “she/him”
Digressions aside. If it doesn’t hurt anyone, and it makes someone happy, just let them be happy.
I don’t know your kid or your relationship with them or anything, so I’m just speaking in generalities, but most trans people I know really appreciate being called by their preferred name and pronouns. If your kid is using certain pronouns with new people or with their friends that they are out to, it might be nice to give them a try. Maybe not, again I don’t know you both, but just because someone is willing to joke about pronouns doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t actually care about them. Seems like you really care for your kid and I’m sure that if they wanted to be referred to with new pronouns that you’d be able to figure it out. Wishing you both the best.
The most grounded response and thank you. I commented elsewhere but ultimately I’m big on providing the space to do what you feel is comfortable so in that I’m more of a watch and wait.
Yeah man you should really be using the pronouns your child wants you to use. I imagine that they have accepted that this is the best relationship they can have with you. They’re still your child and your unwavering support is important to building their self confidence regardless of whether they’re cisgender or transgender.
How much effort does it take to not use he/him though? Are you sure they’re just saying they don’t care so you don’t feel bad about it?
I dunno, obviously I don’t know you or your kid and you seem to be handling it much better than many would… It just seems weird to be so ambivalent to something so fundamental about your child.
I’ve had a good number of trans people in my classes over the years. I’ve frankly been shocked by the number of people who do not care if you guess their gender correctly. Obviously it isn’t the norm, but they are out there.
I can’t speak for everyone, but in my experience I’ll not express anything externally when property/improperly gendered, but I’ll still feel happy/sad when it happens.
You’re saying you’ll defend whatever she decides to be, but I don’t think you accept it yourself; that’s why you’re still treating your daughter as if she was a boy. It’s perfectly possible this actually hurts her, but she doesn’t complain because it’s complicated to complain about things towards your parents, specially before adulthood.
I’m laughing that you’re making the decision that they want to be identified as a girl. The point you’re making is moot at this point but how you’re attempting to make it is ignorant AF.
You’re the one assuming shit here far more than I am and in fairness it’s because you know jack shit about me and my kid.
I am not deciding shit for anyone. I’m concluding your kid is most likely MtF, based on the infoyouprovided — “in my simple brain he has a dick he’s a boy” + usage of the word “trans”.
And, even in the chance my conclusion is incorrect (the kid is actually genderfluid, or non-binary, et cetera), my point still stands, even if you pretend it doesn’t dammit. You highlighted you use “he/him” because the kid has a dick, regardless of the kid’s identity, that’s an arsehole move, doubly so coming from a parent. The right approach would be to use the ones the kid chose.
From someone that’s been there, try to work on that mental switch. Even if the kid sees you as an exception, and really doesn’t care if you don’t, it’s still a powerful thing to do it anyway. You can still crack jokes together and fuck around, but if you put in the effort to shift your language the rest of the time, it seriously uplifts someone that’s in the process of finding their path as their authentic self.
And yeah, it is true that a decent number of kids in particular (as opposed to folks that are transitioning as adults) don’t care about pronouns when their loved ones support them in every other way (or even just in most ways). They know some old fart has decades of brain patterns built up, and years of thinking of them as a given gender. They know it won’t happen overnight, and thus aren’t hurt by slips, or are hurt way less. But I’ve never met a trans kid that didn’t feel happy and loved by a close family member putting in the effort anyway.
I promise you, the worst that can happen from trying is you get razzed for fucking up
Points taken what I will say is pronouns aren’t top of mind with any of us. If anything I’m pretty big on using “buddy” which in this day and age is pretty gender neutral. Beyond that think of it as, he’s a kid, I’m providing the safe space for him to be able to advocate for himself. If he wants me to use pronouns I will, but he needs to raise it. Not because I don’t want to, but because he knows I love him unconditionally so he has an opportunity to show growth in himself and advocate that.
In all honesty he’s shown far more growth than I did at his age all things considered.
How can you be sure they don’t care? Could it be, instead, that they know it’ll just be a pain in the ass to get you to do what they want, so they don’t bother even if it’d make them happier? They’re appeasing you so they can still have a relationship with you. You are refusing to appease them. Your child sounds more mature than you do.
How can anyone be sure of anything outside of what their actions tell us?
You’re bang on my kid sounds more mature than I am but in fairness to me it’s a low fucking bar.
What I will impart is that when they told me about being trans it was a good month before they told their mom not because he knew I would be more accepting but because I genuinely do not give a shit. We joke in my house that unless you’re a furry I don’t care what you are (and then yes, I make it very clear even if you were a furry I would still love you but will judge you harshly).
I think the big problem here which came up elsewhere is twofold.
This conversation exists outside of all additional context of my life and my kids life. People are pontificating on something in isolation.
Online is not offline. People are assuming that what we are typing here is the reality when it isn’t.
I think you’re missing the point though. If you actually don’t give a fuck, and it would be something that they appreciate, why not change what you call them? Isn’t that the right thing to do? If it actually cost you something then fine, there’d be an argument to not do it. Also, if you cared about it then there’d be an argument to not do it. Since you’ve said you don’t care, why not just do it? If you can make your kid just a little happier, at no cost to yourself, why wouldn’t you take that opportunity?
I wish I could say you’re being selfish, but you aren’t even doing that. It doesn’t benefit you to not change. It’s just spite I guess. You think it effects who you are to be nice to your child in a way that doesn’t effect anything else.
Yeah, we don’t know what the reality of the situation is. We only know what you’ve said. What you’ve said though is uncomfortable to hear. I don’t like hearing about parents choosing to not do things that make their kid’s life a little easier for absolutely no reason. If you actually don’t care about what your child is called, and if you care about doing what’s right for your child, then change. It’s free, and I’m reasonable sure your child will appreciate it, probably more than you could realize. They obviously still want to be around you and don’t want to make you uncomfortable, so return the favor.
whoisearth@lemmy.ca 3 weeks ago
As a dad now with a trans son I so get it. I’m blessed in I know who and what I am. I will never “get” what’s going on in his head or understand what trans is or any of that shit. But I love him, I want him happy and I will defend whatever he decides to be until the ends of the world.
Note to everyone and self I use he/him because in my simple brain he has a dick he’s a boy. Like me he doesn’t give a shit because we joke about the old meme “I identify as an attack helicopter” and I tell people my pronouns are “dumb/ass” or if I’m being a dick “she/him”
Digressions aside. If it doesn’t hurt anyone, and it makes someone happy, just let them be happy.
MountingSuspicion@reddthat.com 3 weeks ago
I don’t know your kid or your relationship with them or anything, so I’m just speaking in generalities, but most trans people I know really appreciate being called by their preferred name and pronouns. If your kid is using certain pronouns with new people or with their friends that they are out to, it might be nice to give them a try. Maybe not, again I don’t know you both, but just because someone is willing to joke about pronouns doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t actually care about them. Seems like you really care for your kid and I’m sure that if they wanted to be referred to with new pronouns that you’d be able to figure it out. Wishing you both the best.
whoisearth@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
The most grounded response and thank you. I commented elsewhere but ultimately I’m big on providing the space to do what you feel is comfortable so in that I’m more of a watch and wait.
InputZero@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Yeah man you should really be using the pronouns your child wants you to use. I imagine that they have accepted that this is the best relationship they can have with you. They’re still your child and your unwavering support is important to building their self confidence regardless of whether they’re cisgender or transgender.
prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 weeks ago
How much effort does it take to not use he/him though? Are you sure they’re just saying they don’t care so you don’t feel bad about it?
I dunno, obviously I don’t know you or your kid and you seem to be handling it much better than many would… It just seems weird to be so ambivalent to something so fundamental about your child.
DaleGribble88@programming.dev 3 weeks ago
I’ve had a good number of trans people in my classes over the years. I’ve frankly been shocked by the number of people who do not care if you guess their gender correctly. Obviously it isn’t the norm, but they are out there.
nore@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
I can’t speak for everyone, but in my experience I’ll not express anything externally when property/improperly gendered, but I’ll still feel happy/sad when it happens.
whoisearth@lemmy.ca 3 weeks ago
Also worth noting especially with younger people they can’t disassociate online with offline.
lvxferre@mander.xyz 3 weeks ago
…I’ll be honest.
You’re saying you’ll defend whatever she decides to be, but I don’t think you accept it yourself; that’s why you’re still treating your daughter as if she was a boy. It’s perfectly possible this actually hurts her, but she doesn’t complain because it’s complicated to complain about things towards your parents, specially before adulthood.
whoisearth@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
I’m laughing that you’re making the decision that they want to be identified as a girl. The point you’re making is moot at this point but how you’re attempting to make it is ignorant AF.
You’re the one assuming shit here far more than I am and in fairness it’s because you know jack shit about me and my kid.
Anyways, I find that funny.
lvxferre@mander.xyz 2 weeks ago
I am not deciding shit for anyone. I’m concluding your kid is most likely MtF, based on the info you provided — “in my simple brain he has a dick he’s a boy” + usage of the word “trans”.
And, even in the chance my conclusion is incorrect (the kid is actually genderfluid, or non-binary, et cetera), my point still stands, even if you pretend it doesn’t dammit. You highlighted you use “he/him” because the kid has a dick, regardless of the kid’s identity, that’s an arsehole move, doubly so coming from a parent. The right approach would be to use the ones the kid chose.
Not really.
southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
From someone that’s been there, try to work on that mental switch. Even if the kid sees you as an exception, and really doesn’t care if you don’t, it’s still a powerful thing to do it anyway. You can still crack jokes together and fuck around, but if you put in the effort to shift your language the rest of the time, it seriously uplifts someone that’s in the process of finding their path as their authentic self.
And yeah, it is true that a decent number of kids in particular (as opposed to folks that are transitioning as adults) don’t care about pronouns when their loved ones support them in every other way (or even just in most ways). They know some old fart has decades of brain patterns built up, and years of thinking of them as a given gender. They know it won’t happen overnight, and thus aren’t hurt by slips, or are hurt way less. But I’ve never met a trans kid that didn’t feel happy and loved by a close family member putting in the effort anyway.
I promise you, the worst that can happen from trying is you get razzed for fucking up
whoisearth@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
Points taken what I will say is pronouns aren’t top of mind with any of us. If anything I’m pretty big on using “buddy” which in this day and age is pretty gender neutral. Beyond that think of it as, he’s a kid, I’m providing the safe space for him to be able to advocate for himself. If he wants me to use pronouns I will, but he needs to raise it. Not because I don’t want to, but because he knows I love him unconditionally so he has an opportunity to show growth in himself and advocate that.
In all honesty he’s shown far more growth than I did at his age all things considered.
Cethin@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
How can you be sure they don’t care? Could it be, instead, that they know it’ll just be a pain in the ass to get you to do what they want, so they don’t bother even if it’d make them happier? They’re appeasing you so they can still have a relationship with you. You are refusing to appease them. Your child sounds more mature than you do.
whoisearth@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
How can anyone be sure of anything outside of what their actions tell us?
You’re bang on my kid sounds more mature than I am but in fairness to me it’s a low fucking bar.
What I will impart is that when they told me about being trans it was a good month before they told their mom not because he knew I would be more accepting but because I genuinely do not give a shit. We joke in my house that unless you’re a furry I don’t care what you are (and then yes, I make it very clear even if you were a furry I would still love you but will judge you harshly).
I think the big problem here which came up elsewhere is twofold.
This conversation exists outside of all additional context of my life and my kids life. People are pontificating on something in isolation.
Online is not offline. People are assuming that what we are typing here is the reality when it isn’t.
Cethin@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
I think you’re missing the point though. If you actually don’t give a fuck, and it would be something that they appreciate, why not change what you call them? Isn’t that the right thing to do? If it actually cost you something then fine, there’d be an argument to not do it. Also, if you cared about it then there’d be an argument to not do it. Since you’ve said you don’t care, why not just do it? If you can make your kid just a little happier, at no cost to yourself, why wouldn’t you take that opportunity?
I wish I could say you’re being selfish, but you aren’t even doing that. It doesn’t benefit you to not change. It’s just spite I guess. You think it effects who you are to be nice to your child in a way that doesn’t effect anything else.
Yeah, we don’t know what the reality of the situation is. We only know what you’ve said. What you’ve said though is uncomfortable to hear. I don’t like hearing about parents choosing to not do things that make their kid’s life a little easier for absolutely no reason. If you actually don’t care about what your child is called, and if you care about doing what’s right for your child, then change. It’s free, and I’m reasonable sure your child will appreciate it, probably more than you could realize. They obviously still want to be around you and don’t want to make you uncomfortable, so return the favor.
piccolo@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
You claim apathy, but you put more efrort defending yourself then just being better toward you child.
I wont claim to know if it bothers your child to ‘joke’ about it. But have you ever asked?